Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

An Audience With H.M.

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Hu Jintao is in Britain, having been summoned to a conference. Whilst there, he begs an audience with Her Royal Majesty, Elizabeth the Second.

When given permission to speak, he says: “China is a great country, and I think it would be helpful if you named China an Empire, as it would be good for trade.”

The Queen looks at Hu thoughtfully before replying: “My dear wee chap, to have an Empire, one must first have an Emperor, and you my little man are certainly not that”.

Hu looks downcast, but then perks up. “As we all know,” he says, “China has 5,000 years history. If you name China a Kingdom, it would be good for trade.”

The Queen, God bless ‘er, replies: “My dear little man, to have a Kingdom, one must first have a King, and you, my entertaining laundryman, are certainly not that!”.

Poor Hu is distraught for a moment, but then recovers. “All the world knows China invented everything. It would be good for trade if you named China a Duchy.”

The Queen laughs politely. “My dear chap, to have a Duchy, one needs a Duke, and you do not come close to qualifying!”

The Queen sits back upon her throne and considers Hu carefully. “No,” she says after a moments contemplation, “Upon reflection, we are quite satisfied that China is, indeed, a country.”

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11 Responses to “An Audience With H.M.”

  1. DaBizarre said

    Standing goddamn ovation.

  2. Chinese Netizen said

    The “People’s” Republic is 60 years old. That’s it.

    The CCP should refrain from co-opting the whole 5,000yrs bullshit.

  3. justrecently said

    Hu? No confusion with the Right Honorable David Cameron, by any chance?

  4. Moderately Prosperous Society said

    China, however is still an Empire as its conquered ethnic minorities are painfully aware. Every other Empire, the British, Austro-Hungarian, Japanese (who must be rather embarrassed by having an Emperor but no empire), Ottoman etc have lost or granted independence to their former territories.

    The Chinese however are the only ones to keep theirs like a little fat boy screaming “it’s mine, it’s mine!” when someone points out that the lollies they stole don’t actually belong to them.

    When a Chinese invariably points out to your seemingly deficient grasp of their country’s glorious history that Xinjiang “has always been a part of China” you simply utilise “Mind Fuck Technique 324b” which consists of reminding them that Xinjiang was conquered by the Chinese at about the same time that India was conquered by the British and then asking if India has therefore “always been part of Britain.” The most delightful aspect of “Mind Fuck Technique 324b” however is when halfway through their protestation that “India’s religion, language and culture are so different from….” POW! Mind fuck! The sudden realisation that they have been arguing your point leads to cerebral haemorrhaging so profound that blood is dripping from their ears as they stop talking suddenly and gaze that distant gaze that only a Chinese can when you have “hurt the feelings of the Chinese people.”

    • Slap2tickle said

      Hmmm interesting, please enlighten us with more mind fuck techniques, I particularly enjoy these methods to prove points to our friendly “China has never been aggressive” hosts.

      • Moderately Prosperous Society said

        KTV University Press will be bringing out my Classical Chinese version under the title 《脑肏兵法》 and the English version will appear as an appendix in my travelogue “A Saunter though the Communist Insurgent Occupied Areas of The Republic of China” to be published in the provisional capital Taipei next spring.

    • Chinese Netizen said

      Ahh, but you didn’t take into account the Han counter to MFT324b which states: If ever faced with an argument where you know you lost and must humbly admit it, revert to sudden no emotion shown and dismissing your opponent with a wave of the hand. Then go cower in your corner with thumb in mouth, drooling, while trying to figure out ways to regain face.

      • Moderately Prosperous Society said

        Yes, the application of certain eternal verities in many a discussion leads invariably to many loosing face but let us not feel any grief for this. There are over 1.3 billion faces in China, it hardly matters if they lose a few.

    • MyFenwai said

      Yes never mind the fact that middle Xinjiang (or Xiyu, as it was called) was Han territory. Don’t let that get in the way of your subhuman eeking and ooking, chimp.

  5. taide said

    Why was my blog found with the searchwords mylaowai 杀 today?

  6. justrecently said

    So was mine.

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