Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Archive for the ‘You’re Joking?’ Category

Minging in the Rain

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, May 22, 2012

I was talking the other day with a newly-arrived young man, who asked me about the quality of Chinese poontang, and was it as awesome as he’d heard. This reminded me of a conversation I’d just had with a friend, in which he’d told me he’d met a girl who had a clit like a pickle.

I asked in wonder: “Wow, was it really that big?”, to which he replied:

“No, it was that sour”.

Advertisements

Posted in You're Joking? | 5 Comments »

Bang Out Of Order

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, February 27, 2012

News Headlines for China last week:

Following the recent riots in Guangdong, it’s important to remind ourselves that not all Chinese people are stereotypical thieves and arsonists. The vast majority are drug dealers and rapists.

Wang Xiansheng now has to travel 5 miles every day for fresh water, 7 miles every day for food and 10 miles every day for medicine for he and his family. This is because the daft bastard and all his mates torched the local convenience store, KFC and Medical Centre and now he has to walk to Dongguan for his breakfast.

Riots in Henan last month caused over £1 million worth of improvements.

The MyLaowai Foundation just fostered a Chinese kid.
All three cans hit him right on the back of the head.

They’ve had to change the script for the pantomime ‘Jack & the Beanstalk’ in Hefei, Bejing, Chengdu, Shanghai, Changsha, and Shenzhen. Apparently, the giant couldn’t smell any Englishmen, only Chinese peasants.

Finally, it has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting some Persil in to stop the yellows running.

Posted in Newsflash, Wang Xiansheng, You're Joking? | 1 Comment »

The Immigrant

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, July 15, 2011

A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa.

A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region, but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about ten hens. Not wanting to interrupt these ‘Chinese customs’, he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it.

Not wanting to interrupt another ‘Chinese custom’, he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man lead a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull’s bum.

The Aussie bloke can’t handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says “Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs?

I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull’s bum, it could just about shit on you.”

The Chinese man is very taken back and says “Solly sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.”

“What do you mean mate?” says the Aussie, “Those aren’t Australian customs.”

“Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me” replied the Chinese man. “He say to become true Australian, I learn to chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit.”

Posted in You're Joking? | 1 Comment »

Design-A-Logo Contest

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, April 27, 2011

According to the South China Morning Post, “China’s space programme is asking the public to come up with a name and logo for a space station it plans to launch into orbit in the future.

Here are the three front-runners, as they will look when in service:

Takeaway Station
Jiuquan No.6 Golden Dragon Lucky Garden Rice Bowl Station
In Space, No One Can Taste Melamine

***

Laundry Station
Dongfeng No.39 Red & Yellow Super-Lucky Double-Happy Wonderful Laundry Station
In Space, No One Can Hear You Steam

***


Peking No.888 Extra-Long-Time Wonderful Lucky Happy-Ending Massage and Donut Emporium
In Space, No One Can See You Cream

Posted in You're Joking? | 6 Comments »

An Audience With H.M.

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Hu Jintao is in Britain, having been summoned to a conference. Whilst there, he begs an audience with Her Royal Majesty, Elizabeth the Second.

When given permission to speak, he says: “China is a great country, and I think it would be helpful if you named China an Empire, as it would be good for trade.”

The Queen looks at Hu thoughtfully before replying: “My dear wee chap, to have an Empire, one must first have an Emperor, and you my little man are certainly not that”.

Hu looks downcast, but then perks up. “As we all know,” he says, “China has 5,000 years history. If you name China a Kingdom, it would be good for trade.”

The Queen, God bless ‘er, replies: “My dear little man, to have a Kingdom, one must first have a King, and you, my entertaining laundryman, are certainly not that!”.

Poor Hu is distraught for a moment, but then recovers. “All the world knows China invented everything. It would be good for trade if you named China a Duchy.”

The Queen laughs politely. “My dear chap, to have a Duchy, one needs a Duke, and you do not come close to qualifying!”

The Queen sits back upon her throne and considers Hu carefully. “No,” she says after a moments contemplation, “Upon reflection, we are quite satisfied that China is, indeed, a country.”

Posted in You're Joking? | 11 Comments »

Oh, Ha Blurry Ha!

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, February 4, 2010

Whilst some of the material on this blog is topical and clever, there are far too many idiots with half a brain posting racist material. As a man of Asian descent myself, some of these “jokes” offend me long time.

Posted in You're Joking? | 2 Comments »

The Masque of Augurs and the Two Dancing Bears

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Some say that the Chinese Olympic Swimming Team has taken to wearing executioner masks,
in order to remind themselves of the penalty for failure.

Others say that the legendary Chinese fear of sunlight is now out of control on the beaches of the nation,
and that vampires and were-beasts have begun roaming the Land openly.

All we know, is that this photo was taken in Qingdao.

swimsuit

[Camel Toes An Optional Extra.]

Posted in China, Olympics, You're Joking? | 57 Comments »

StarTrek with Chinese Characteristics?

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, November 7, 2007

I’m sure you’ve heard the old chestnut:

Q. Why aren’t there many Chinese in StarTrek?
A. Because even in the future, they can’t be made to work properly.

Racist claptrap, of course. I’ve actually been wondering about the role of the Chinese in the StarTrek universe, and I reckon there are plenty of Chinese out there, amongst the stars. Don’t believe me? Try these on for size, then…

Top Ten Possibilities for Chinese in StarTrek

10. The Arbazan
A highly conservative semi-humanoid race known for their ultra-right, almost fascist, political and social policies, with a reputation for arrogance. They are perennial sources of right wing dissent among the liberal Federation. They are easy to take offence, and find haven in boring, bureaucratic jobs or mundane research jobs.

9. The Jarada
Jarada are known for being quite vengeful if wronged and actually ate the ship’s crew who mispronounced their greeting in 2344.

8. The J’naii
Androgynous race from the system of same name. Federation principles of tolerance and understanding run contrary to J’naii law (which requires rigid enforcement of a code that prevents J’naii from exhibiting any sign of gender specific behaviour, amongst other things). Violators are subjected to a brainwashing therapy without appeal.

7. Lenarians
Often found as miners, or working in other menial professions, their original homeworld has been lost to antiquity. In their exodus from a polluted homeworld they lost the records of the pre-exodus times including the coordinates of their homeworld. All that survived were isolated stories and legends. Their technological progress has been very slow, and they hold a resentment against the Federation because of its rapid progress.

6. The Pakled
These humanoids maintain a profitable cargo shipping consortium along the Federation / Cardassian border. They have an obsession with stealing advanced technology they did not develop. Pakled ships usually have stolen or copied Klingon, Romulan, Cardassian, and Federation technology. Because of this they often find trouble with governmental shipping contracts, preferring to stay to grey-market or low budget shipping. Their simple speech conceals their highly cunning and ambitious nature.

5. Tamarians
Faintly reptilian race with yellow skin, and a language that could not be understood until 2368. Their language translates into a system of stock phrases and metaphors. It was later understood to be metaphoric analogies to Tamarian myths. Unfortunately, little else is known since their language is still largely unknown and they have limited interest in interchange since the first language breakthrough.

4. The Vorta
With a generally humanoid appearance except for very tight skin and a light grey complexion, they are easily identified. They have negligible social, artistic, or scientific activity and seem to exist almost exclusively for the purpose of administrating the Dominion and commanding the Jem’Hadar.

3. Tribbles
They eat and reproduce, apparently without having sex. That’s about it, really. Oh yes, and they make an annoying “tribbletribbletribble” sound when happy.

2. The Borg
A Borg is linked into a collective mind where the concept of the individual is meaningless. The Borg exists solely to assimilate other races into it’s Collective. They are the greatest strategic threat to the Federation today.

…and finally, the Number One Candidate…

1. The Ferengi
Greedy humanoid race first encountered in 1266 by Marco Polo in 2364 in the Delphi Ardu system. Possessing a rigid and inflexible code requiring males to relentlessly seek profit while females are left naked and submissive, they appear as short humanoids with skin tones ranging from dull yellow to dark brown. They have no firm alliances and prefer to maintain business with all sides. Many rogue Ferengi pursue profit as pirates: this is legal only through a loophole in their laws.

So, there you have it – The StarTrek universe with Chinese Characteristics. I leave you now with a list of the known Chinese Laws of Acquisition

1. Once you have their money, you never give it back.
3. Never pay more for an acquisition than you have to.
6. Never allow family to stand in the way of opportunity.
7. Keep your ears open.
8. Small print leads to large risk.
9. Opportunity plus instinct equals profit.
10. Greed is eternal.
13. Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.
16. A deal is a deal… until a better one comes along.
17. A contract is a contract is a contract… but only between Ferengi.
18. A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all.
19. Satisfaction is not guaranteed.
21. Never place friendship above profit.
22. A wise man can hear profit in the wind.
27. There’s nothing more dangerous than an honest businessman.
28. Whisper your way to success.
31. Never insult of a Ferengi’s mother… insult something he cares about instead.
33. It never hurts to suck up to the boss.
34. War is good for business.
35. Peace is good for business.
40. She can touch your lobes, but never your latinum.
41. Profit is its own reward.
44. Never confuse wisdom with luck.
47. Never trust a man wearing a better suit than your own.
48. The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife.
52. Never ask when you can take.
57. Good customers are as rare as latinum – treasure them.
58. There is no substitute for success.
59. Free advice is seldom cheap.
60. Keep your lies consistent.
62. The riskier the road, the greater the profit.
65. Win or lose, there’s always Hupyrian beetle snuff.
75. Home is where the heart is… but the stars are made of latinum.
76. Every once in a while, declare peace… it confuses the hell out of your enemies.
79. Beware of the Vulcan greed for knowledge.
82. The flimsier the product, the higher the price.
85. Never let the competition know what you’re thinking.
89. Ask not what your profits can do for you, but what you can do for your profits.
94. Females and finances don’t mix.
95. Expand… or die.
97. Enough… is never enough.
98. Every man has his price.
99. Trust is the biggest liability of all.
102. Nature decays, but latinum is forever.
103. Sleep can interfere…. [cut off]
104. Faith moves mountains… of inventory.
106. There is no honour in poverty.
109. Dignity and an empty sack… is worth the sack.
111. Treat people in your debt like family… exploit them.
112. Never have sex with the boss’s sister.
113. Always have sex with the boss.
121. Everything is for sale, even friendship.
123. Even a blind man can recognize the glow of latinum.
139. Wives serve, brothers inherit.
141. Only fools pay retail.
144. There’s nothing wrong with charity… as long as it winds up in your pocket.
162. Even in the worst of times, someone makes a profit.
177. Know your enemies… but do business with them always.
181. Not even dishonesty can tarnish the shine of profit.
189. Let others keep their reputation… you keep their latinum.
190. Hear all, trust nothing.
192. Never cheat a Klingon… unless you can get away with it.
194. It’s always good business to know your customers before they walk in the door.
202. The justification for profit is profit.
203. New customers are like razor-toothed greeworms. They can be succulent, but sometimes they bite back.
208. Sometimes the only thing more dangerous than a question is an answer.
211. Employees are the rungs on the ladder of success. Don’t hesitate to step on them.
214. Never begin a business negotiation on an empty stomach.
217. You can’t free a fish from water.
218. Always know what you’re buying.
223. Beware the man who doesn’t make time for oo-mox.
229. Latinum lasts longer than lust.
236. You can’t buy fate.
239. Never be afraid to mislabel a product.
242. More is good… all is better.
255. A wife is a luxury… a smart accountant a necessity.
261. A wealthy man can afford anything except a conscience.
263. Never allow doubt to tarnish your lust for latinum.
266. When in doubt, lie.
284. Deep down, everyone’s a Ferengi.
285. No good deed ever goes unpunished.

Posted in You're Joking? | Tagged: , , | 3 Comments »

The Emperor’s Old Clothes

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, July 19, 2007

Chairman Hu Jintao and Premier Wen Jiabao were discussing what to do about the rising tide of civil unrest in the country. They had almost come to the point of admitting that there was nothing they could do except send in the Army again, when Wen had a brainwave!

“Hu,” he cried out, “why don’t we go on a tour of the country, disguised as peasant farmers. That way we can blend in with the common people and learn what they are really thinking. As Harmonious Communists it will give us great Political Correctness.”

Hu thought it was a wonderful idea, so they dressed themselves up in peasant garb, with shiny trousers rolled up above their knees, shirts that may once have been white but which was now yellow and stained, an old and poorly made double-breasted jacket apiece, slip-on shoes, and thatched rice-paddy hats to top it off. They also got themselves a small and very dirty pig and tied a rope around its’ neck as a leash, to complete the disguise.

And off they went into China, to be amongst their people.

The first day out, towards evening, they espied a ramshackle tea house near the edge of a small and humble hamlet. “Ah,” said Hu, “the perfect place in which to mingle with our people.”

They both shuffled up to the counter, at which was slumped an old peasant.

“Ni hao, comrades,” muttered the old peasant. “Cup of tea?”

Hu and Wen, feeling that a cup of tea would be just the thing, assented.

Shortly afterwards, an old woman entered, looked around, came up to the pair, and then studied the pig carefully. After some time she lifted up the pig’s tail, had a good look, then shuffled out the door into the evening. Hu and Wen exchanged mystified glances, then went back to their tea. Some minutes later, a peasant worker entered, ambled up to them them, glaced at their faces, then looked down at the pig. After a moments contemplation, he lifted the pig’s tail, took a close look, then ambled out again. This process was repeated again and again, and each time the two great Leaders grew more and more puzzled.

“Excuse me,” Hu finally said to the peasant currently lifting up the pig’s tail, “what are you doing? All night our comrades have been coming in, lifting up our pig’s tail, then leaving. Is this a traditional local custom?”

“No.” replied the peasant, “I was just investigating the rumour that in this ‘ere teahouse, there was a pig with two arseholes.”

Posted in You're Joking? | Tagged: , | 6 Comments »

Strange Deformations

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Inbreeding is breeding between close relatives, whether plant or animal. If practised repeatedly, it often leads to a reduction in genetic diversity, and the increased gene expression of recessive traits, resulting in inbreeding depression. This may result in inbred individuals exhibiting reduced health and fitness and lower levels of fertility.Results of inbreeding:
Inbreeding may result in a far higher expression of deleterious recessive genes within a population than would normally be expected. As a result, first-generation inbred individuals are more likely to show physical and health defects, including:

  • reduced fertility both in litter size and sperm viability
  • increased genetic disorders
  • fluctuating facial asymmetry
  • lower birth rate
  • higher infant mortality
  • slower growth rate
  • smaller adult size
  • loss of immune system function.

(source: Wikipedia)

China has had, for the last 3,000 years, a population that seldom bred outside the confines of the village. Added to this, has been an ongoing program to cull from the herd any individuals that were, well, individual. Anyone who acted with independence – Chop! Anyone who showed courage in the face of Confucian ‘Authority’ – Chop! Anyone who had their own ideas about how society should be – Chop! The results of this culling program combined with the reduced size of the gene pool (now believed to be a small gene puddle), not to mention artificial genetic manipulation via environmental poisoning, are clear to anyone who travels outside the major cities: all kinds of weird and wonderful birth defects, low life expectancy, reduced variety in individuals.

I’ve seen the One Legged Man (who nonetheless sported three feet at the end of his one leg), whole tribes of Six Toed Dwarves, thousands of large facial moles sprouting luxurious lengths of hair, and vast quantities of birthmarks that make Mikhail Gorbachev’s inkspot look like a mere freckle.

All that pales, however, in comparison to the sight that greeted me yesterday: The Oddly Breasted Munchkin.

So, there’s this girl. She’s fairly short, not bad looking, otherwise indistinguishable from the sweating masses, except in one respect – her breasts are too low. Now, I don’t mean that they sagged, I mean that they were too low. Call me an old-fashioned kind of guy, but I reckon that having your breasts start at the bottom of your ribcage cannot be a good thing. Everything else was right – good cleavage, nice shape – but the altitude had me muttering “Pull up! Pull up!”. It was, honestly, something that I never expected to see and I hope I never see again.

The Chinese have a word for all these weird mutations. They call it ‘lucky’.

I think there’s something in that for all of us.

Posted in China, Environment, You're Joking? | Tagged: , , | 4 Comments »