Chinatomy 101
Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, August 24, 2009
By now, some of you may have heard the rumours that MyLaowai is soon to release a book. I certainly hope you’ve heard the rumours, because I’ve been working hard to spread them all over the parish. What you may not know, however, is that the deal is for three books.
The first is to be a children’s book (but probably to lead into a series), suitable for a reading age of 3-5 years. That makes it about right for most college graduates here in China.
The second is to be a scientific study of Chinese society and patterns of social behaviour. It is concerned with social structures and processes, and you can be sure that it will be chock-full of facts and hard, scientific data. Frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if it becomes required reading in forward-thinking universities throughout the world.
The third book gave us some trouble. The publisher demanded a third book, you see, and we didn’t have much to offer that didn’t involve a lot of actual work. I’m dead-set against work, and the girls are all busy doing their nails. Well, we here at MLHQ made the decision last month to write a book for visitors to China, a bit like the kind of thing bird-watchers have. You know the sort of thing I mean: lot’s of pictures of the different kinds of varieties you’d expect to see, descriptions of the habitat, all that sort of gumpf. The idea is that you take this book with you, and when you spot one of the specimens, you tick it off. This particular book specialises in inbreeding deformities of the most amazing kind.
I’ve written before about some of the weird and wonderful birth defects to be found in China, and today we were able to add two more specimens to the list. Look for them in the book. There was the girl, normal in most respects and rather pretty as well, who had Big Spock-Ear Syndrome. I felt a bit sorry for the lass, actually. Perhaps she tells boys she is a pixie or an elf or something. The second rare specimen was more disturbing, for it was nothing less than a middle aged woman with testicles growing from her armpits!
Sweet Jesus the Jew! How is such a thing even possible? How many genes have to be scrambled for a middle aged woman to have testicles growing from her armpits! I went straight home and delved at once into my medical textbooks. Sure enough, I found this very scientific picture:
The scientific words under the picture said that this was either a rare genetic mutation caused by severe inbreeding over five thousand years, or alternatively as a result of being Victoria Beckham. Honestly folks, I don’t know which one is worse. Either is a terrifying prospect.
At any rate, she’ll go nicely between the One Legged Man (with three feet at the end of his one leg), and the Oddly Breasted Munchkin.
What a wonderfully entertaining world we live in, eh?
Wo Shi Laowai - Wo Pa Shui 
S said
Mr Mylaowai,
Does Mrs Mylaowai have Big Spock-Ear Syndrome or testicles growing from her armpits ?
You are trying to take advantage of a retard. You are a sick man.
justrecently said
MyLaowai, methinks that every year or so, you should take some opportunity to express your appreciation and gratefulness to your most frequent commenters – myfenwai and stoogie – and give them some kind of an award. That would be both fair and very civilized. Besides, it might boost their self-esteem, which would be a good deed indeed.
LoveChinaLongTime said
Why Chinese men truly are pussies on Earth (for the past 5,000 years and going strong), controlled by henpeckers…
Push-ups driver pays penalty
HENAN – Xinxiang traffic police fined a driver 200 yuan yesterday for stopping his car in a lane restricted to emergency vehicles to do push-ups to please his girlfriend, Chinanews.com.cn reports. The man ignored a police warning and finished all 100 push-ups, adding that the fine was worth it to make his girlfriend happy. He told police his girlfriend had demanded that he prove himself to be a man by doing the push-ups, and so he had stopped the car immediately and got out to do them.
Ned Kelly said
Does Chinese inbreeding explain why Myfenwai can’t stop farting?
http://justrecently.wordpress.com/2009/08/20/net-nanny-yes-you-can-stop-farting/
justrecently said
If that’s so, even Net Nanny’s advice can’t save him. But I’m always hopeful.
Ned Kelly said
He could at least try to make it musical. But it’s hard to make music when the Propaganda Department – oops I mean Global Times – is stuck in your ass.
justrecently said
Global Times is a bunch of traitors. They look too much like a Western newspaper. They should respect the traditional Han way of writing right to left.
Ned Kelly said
Right to left? Hm. For a foreigner to get a job at Global Times, does he have to let the Party in through the out door?
Ned Kelly said
The equivalent of working for Global Times:
Ned Kelly said
Another music video metaphor for all Foreigners who work for China’s Propaganda Department. But especially for the most recent White American “Foreign Editor” of China’s “Global Times”:
MyFenwai said
Does Chinese inbreeding explain why Myfenwai can’t stop farting?
Everyone knows that the entire white race descended from an ancient Josef Fritzl-like situation. This is proven by genetic research.
MyLaowai said
Really? Everyone?
MyFenwai said
Everyone with at least a third grade education