Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

OPENING SCENE: Central Perk Coffeehouse

Ross walks into Central Perk with his head down and a depressed look on his face.
Ross: (sadly) Hiiiiiiii
Rachel: What’s wrong, Ross?
Ross: Oh ……..I just got a phone call. (Yells joyfully) I’M GOING TO BE THE KEYNOTE SPEAKER AT THE PALAEONTOLOGY CONFERENCE IN BEIJING! WOOHOO!
Rachel: Oh, that’s great! Congratulations!
Ross: And there’s more! As a bonus, they gave me these 6 passes……. TO ALL THE OLYMPIC EVENTS! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
Monica: OH MY GOD! Hey, we should all go. I haven’t seen Chandler for 6 months. I can use some of that good lovin’.
Phoebe: Yeah, I still can’t believe he fell asleep during a meeting again and agreed to head up his company’s Shanghai office
Rachel: That’s a good idea. I could use some time away from Emma. She’s starting to be a real bitch.
Monica: Plus we can visit Joey. It’ll be just like old times.
Rachel: Yeah, poor Joey. After they cancelled his spinoff show he got so depressed he moved to China. I hear he’s an English teacher now and is a DJ at some disco on the weekends.
Phoebe: Well, count me out. Right before my mom committed suicide I promised her I wouldn’t go to China until Tibet is free.
Rachel: Where is Tibet, anyway?
Phoebe: Hmmmm………. South America?
Ross stares at them blankly
Ross: (sarcastically) Yes, that’s correct

ROLL OPENING CREDITS AND FRIENDS THEME SONG (By: The Rembrandts).

THE ONE IN BEIJING

SCENE 1: A classroom at the DOS English School in Hangzhou.

Joey: NO! NO! NO! It’s not “how you DOIN’?” It’s “how YOU doin’?” Let’s try it again. How YOU doin’?
Class: HOW you doin’?
A ringtone of the opening bars of ‘I’ll Be There For You’ (By: The Rembrandts) goes off on Joey’s mobile phone.
Joey: Wei?
Estelle: Joey, it’s Estelle. How ya been kiddo? Listen, I got a job for ya…
Joey: Estelle? I thought you were dead.
Estelle: It’s possible but not unbelievable. Besides, this is all in Lang Lang’s head. Look, do you wanna know about the job or not?
Joey: Sure! Whaddaya got?
Estelle: NBC wants some celebrity guest announcers for the Olympics. So far, Paris Hilton, Gary Coleman, Larry The Cable Guy, Steven Seagall and The Man Who Met Andy Griffith are all onboard. Are ya interested?
Joey: Hell yeah, sign me up!
Estelle: You got it. Good luck kiddo. Knock ’em out.
Joey turns back to his class.
Joey: Now, in English, if we want to say something is really great, we say “It’s abysmal.”
Class: It’sa abysmal

SCENE 2: The cabin of a China Air 747 jet

Ross: …………….and so, in conclusion, due to the sediment flow rate of the alluvial strata from the Protozoac Era and Post Punk Era, the fossils found at the Peking Man Site have been widely discredited and validates my theory that Piltdown Man was actually the first true species of Homo Erectus indicating…
Rachel: Oh Ross, can you just give it a rest? You’ve been going on and on and on for 6 hours already!
Ross: Hey, you’re the one that said you would help me practice my speech.
Rachel: Yeah, well, if I hear about trilobytasaurus one more time, I’m just going to freak out! It just freaks me out!
Ross: I’m sorry. Maybe we should just………… take a break.
Ross: Fine by me!

SCENE 3: The arrival gate at the new Beijing Airport

A pretty Chinese lady is holding a sign that reads ‘Dr. Ross Geller’ It is Ross’s former girlfriend Julie.

Rachel: Julie? What are you doing here? It’s good to see you.
Julie: I live in China now. I’m the dean of the palaeontology department at Beijing Abnormal University. Actually, I’m the one that pulled some strings to have Ross appointed as the keynote speaker at the convention. But I’ll be honest. I only did it because I was hoping he would bring you. I haven’t stopped thinking about you ever since I left New York. Do you think Ross ever suspected our night of unbridled passion?
Rachel. Not a chance. Actually, I’ve been thinking about you too. That was the most special night of my life.
Julie: I’ve got champagne and sunflower seeds back at my place. Care to join me?
Rachel: I’d love to. But what about Ross?
Julie: (giggling) Let’s ditch him.
Rachel: Ok!

They skip through the airport, holding hands and giggling like schoolgirls.
A montage of scenes switching between Julie and Rachel making love and frolicking around some of Beijing’s most famous landmarks, acting silly, and enjoying some of the Olympic events (especially women’s soccer and beach volleyball) is set to the music of REO Speedwagon’s ‘I Can’t Fight This Feeling Anymore’
Meanwhile Ross, separated from Rachel after having been caught in the middle of a mob of zhongguotongs that had jumped out of their seats to grab their bags from the overhead bins as soon as the wheels touched the runway, is wandering through the airport looking for her. In the confusion, a pickpocket has stolen his wallet and mobile phone The snippy girl at the China Air counter has just informed him that his bags have been bumped to a later flight. Walking in a daze he accidently bumps into a longhaired Italian guy. He turns around and they recognise each other.

Paulo: Rossa! Marinara. Tutti spumoni frutti pesto. (English translation: You fucking horse-faced buttmunch).
Ross: Paulo. Gee, I never expected to see you here. Have you seen Rachel around by any chance?
Paulo: I teacha the English. I worka the sama schoola witha Joey.
Ross: Oh…… great. Listen, I’m having a bit of a problem. Can you loan me a few bucks? I’m promise I’ll pay you back as soon as this all gets straightened out
Paulo: Vafanapoli! Palermo pizzaria roma. (English translation: Go fuck a goat! Suddenly I’m your new bestest friend. If there was a fire, you’d save me first and then your whole family, right? I wouldn’t loan you a wooden nickel)
He makes the insulting Italian gesture of throwing his fist up from under his other arm and storms off. Ross dejectedly walks away, almost in tears.

SCENE 4: The NBC broadcasting booth at the Bird’s Nest Stadium

Bob Costas: And joining us in the booth today we have a special celebrity guest. Why, it’s Joey Tribbiani from the hit TV series FRIENDS and the not so hit show JOEY! Thanks for joining us Joey.
Joey: WOW! Are those nachos?
Bob Costas: So, Joey, what is your favourite Olympic event?
Joey: Well Bob, I like to watch the women’s gymnastics. I mean, can you imagine the sexual positions those gymnasts can do? They’re really bendy. How YOU doin’?
Bob Costas: Joey, you know, most of those girls are like….. 12.
Joey: Well let’s see……… I’m 38. So when I’m 76, they’ll be 24. And I see tons of 70 year-old dudes with 20 year-old babes around here. Especially up there in those CCP and IOC luxury suites. DAMMIT! Why doesn’t this country have any decent nachos?
Bob Costas: What about other sports? Do you like archery?
Joey: I wonder if it hurts when those girls fall on the balance beam and land straight on their crotch.
Bob Costas: Uh……………… OKAAY! That was Joey Tribbiani, formerly Dr. Drake Ramoray of the daytime soap opera Days Of Our Lives. Thanks for stopping by…
Joey: What? I got to leave now? But I just ordered a meatball sub!
Bob Costas: Security!
Joey is immediately swarmed and dog-piled by about 20 PLA troops and undercover police
Joey: HEY! LET GO OF MY MISTERS!

SCENE 5: Pudong Airport, Shanghai

Monica sees her former boyfriend, Richard, walking through the airport.
Monica: Richard? It’s me, Monica.
Richard: Monica? Wow, I almost didn’t recognize you. You look…………. different
Monica: Yeah, after Chandler got sent to Shanghai, I kind of put on a little weight. I ate an Oreo every time I got horny, to try to compensate for lack of sex. I ate a lot. Lot-lot-lot.
Richard: Really? How much weight did you gain?
Monica: 235 pounds. So, what are you doing here?
Richard: I come here every August to give free eye surgery and glasses for the poor.
Monica: (adoringly) Awwww… Oh, there’s Chandler. Hey Chandler! Over here! Look, it’s Richard!
Chandler: Oh my god, Monica. Could you BE any more fat? And where are the twins?
Monica: Uh…….. I ate them. (sobbing) I’M SO SORRY!! I ran out of Oreos.
Richard: Well, I’d better catch my flight to Qinghai. Nice seeing you guys again.
Monica: Bye Richard! (She gestures her hand like a phone and mouths the words ‘Call Me’)
Richard: (smiles, strokes his moustache and walks away, whispering under his breath) Chandler, you poor bastard.
Monica: So, there’s a broom closet over there. I think we have time to knock out a quicky before we meet Joey and catch our flight to Beijing.
Chandler: Uh……… no thanks… Maybe another (he coughs the word ‘life’) time.
Monica: (shaking her hips and moving her hands down her sides) You mean you don’t wanna get-with-this?
Chandler: Whoa, take it easy there Michelin Mon.
Monica: (angrily) WHAT?
Chandler: Look! Joey’s here!
Joey: DUDE!
Chandler: DUDE!
Monica: Ok. Dude alert.
Joey drops his bags and gives Chandler a million-dollar, back-slapping hug.
Monica: Well, I’ll leave you 2 girls alone. I’m gonna go find the ladies room. I gotta pee.
Chandler: Yeah, well be careful. Those toilets were sooooo designed for Chinese-sized asses, not………. reindeer….. sized……… asses.
Monica scowls at Chandler as if he were toilet film and then uses the FRIENDS way of flipping the bird by clapping her fists together 2 times, then stomps off.
Chandler: I still got it!
Joey and Chandler laughingly do the finger-pull hi-five thingy.

SCENE 6: Inside the ladies restroom at Pudong Airport

All the toilet stalls are full. Monica is holding her crotch and shaking with pain trying to keep from peeing in her pants. Finally, a toilet flushes and a girl vacates one of the stalls. Monica walks quickly towards the stall when suddenly Zhang Ziyi cuts in front of her. Monica taps her on the shoulder.
Monica: Excuse me, I believe I was next in line.
Zhang Ziyi: This China, you fat laowai. There no line. Don’t you know who I am?
Monica: You listen here, missy! I’ve been waiting here a long time.
Zhang Ziyi: I know kung fu. You don’t want fight me.
Monica: Maybe I do. I’m pretty feisty. Slut!
Zhang Ziyi: Tramp!
Monica grabs Zhang Ziyi’s neck and shoves her face into the toilet. A giant splash of toilet water accidentally flies straight into Monica’s mouth. Zhang Ziyi jumps up and gets into a fighting stance and aims a couple of roundhouse kicks at Monica’s head without effect. She is clearly outmatched (and outweighed). Monica grabs her and puts her in bear hug.
Monica: (with a Mexican accent) ANACONDA SQUEEZE!
Locked in a life or death struggle they thrash around the room, neither willing to surrender. Suddenly, Monica slips on a giant gob of yellow phlegm and lands directly on top of Zhang Ziyi ( all 337 pounds of her), nearly crushing the life out of her and fracturing several bones. Monica gets up to walk away. Stops. Then grabs one of Zhang Ziyi’s ears.
Monica: You know, if we were in prison you would be, like, my bitch.
Zhang Ziyi: (sprawled on the floor, her body the texture of tapioca pudding, moaning with pain) ooohhhhh………….s hiiiiit…..

SCENE 7: Zhongshan Park

After several days of wandering around Beijing, an unbathed, unshaven and generally dishevelled Ross is nearly at the end of his mental rope. He lies down to take a nap on a park bench. Suddenly, a gust of wind blows a business card onto his face. He looks at it but it is written in Chinese. He drops it on the ground. The card flips over and lands on the ground revealing the other side, in English. He recognises the name on the card.
Ross: Oh my god! Julie? She’s here in Beijing?
With a renewed energy he stops a Beijing resident and throws him off his bicycle.
Ross: (pretending to flash a police badge) Beijing PD! I’m commandeering your vehicle! He pedals away as fast as he can.
Park Security Guard: Hey, that gweilo just stole your bike!
Beijing Resident: It’s ok. I can just steal another one. He hands the guard a 5 kuai bill
Park Security Guard: That red 10-speed over there is pretty sweet. The guy won’t be back for hours.
Beijing Resident: Thanks.

Exhausted and breathing heavily Ross throws the bike down and runs full throttle up the stairs of one of the staff apartment buildings at Beijing Abnormal University.

SCENE 8: Julie’s apartment

Julie hears a pounding and opens the front door
Julie: Ross? What are you doing here? Quick! You’ve gotta get out of here!
Ross: Oh Julie, I can’t tell how glad I am to see you. You have no idea what I’ve been through.
Julie: Ross, this is kind of a bad time. I’m really busy. Can you come back later?
Ross: But…… but……
A voice comes from Julie’s bedroom
Rachel: Juuuuliiieeee. I have a surprise for yoooouuuu.
Ross: Hey, that sounded just like Rachel.
Julie: (nervously) Uh….. uh….. no. It’s just the TV.
Ross: Wait a minute. He pushes past Julie and goes into the bedroom and finds Rachel on the bed, naked, except she’s wearing a huge strap-on dick. WHAT IN THE NAME OF RUBBER CEMENT IS GOING ON HERE?
Julie: Ross, I can explain!
Rachel: HEY! WE WERE ON……. A BREAK!!!
Ross:(gazing up to heaven) Are ya kiddin’ me?

EPILOGUE: Phoebe, Ross and Monica are lounging on the couch back at Central Perk
Phoebe: Wow, Monica, look at you! I can’t believe it!
Monica: I know!
Phoebe: What happened?
Monica: I caught dysentery! Isn’t it the best thing ever? I spent 2 weeks wishing the toilet had a seatbelt, but look at me now! I’m back to my Season 3 weight.
Ross: So Pheebs, what have you been up to while we were gone?
Phoebe: Oh, great news! Mike got a gig playing keyboards for that really cool band called Dulang on their world tour…
Ross: Oh, I love those guys! Does he get to talk to Cissy? Mike is soooo lucky!
Phoebe: Yeah, I know. He just called me from Tierra Del Fuego. But before he left we broke into the NYU Laboratory and released 50 spider monkeys and a French poodle. Actually, the poodle just laid there and licked his balls. But the spider monkeys ran up a tree right above some pro-China demonstrators and pelted them with faeces.
Ross: Ahhh, good times.