Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Flipper? Nah, Sushi.

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, September 28, 2010

You’ve probably heard about how Panda’s are the cocksuckers of the Animal Kingdom. And it’s perfectly true: they are. However, there’s another animal out there that’s far worse than a poxy panda, and it’s a fucking fish!

I’m talking about dolphins.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know already, I can hear the bleating from here: “Oh but the Dolphin isn’t a fish, it’s a marine mammal“. Blah blah blah. Like anyone even cares. If it looks like a fish, and swims like a fish, it’s a fish already. Except that this particular fish has more nasty habits than Al Capone.

But okay, just to shut you hippies the fuck up, let’s all pretend we’re David Attenborough, and imagine for a moment that dolphins really are mammals. And then we can hold them to a higher standard because of it. Now, here’s the full schpiel on Mama Nature’s second most horrible species, your beloved marine-stinking-mammal the dolphin…

Dolphins are murderers. That’s right, stone-cold killers. Gangs of these marine bastards have been repeatedly observed and filmed killing baby porpoises, ramming them, tossing them out of the water, drowning them and chasing them down to their deaths. This isn’t even a genetically-encoded behaviour, this is something that mother dolphins actually teach to their own young! There’s no reason for it either, because they don’t compete for food or space. It has been shown, however, that they do it for sport. We’d call it ‘Target Practise’. And why do they need such target practise?

Simply put, because porpoises make excellent substitutes for other baby dolphins, and dolphins just love to kill baby dolphins from other families. Yes, dolphins are that shitty.

In the old days, we used to blame the US Navy and all their bombs and stuff for killing all these porpoises, but now we know better, we really, honestly do.

A Cetacean Research and Rescue Unit team that studied this porpoise-murder described the mammals’ injuries as “perhaps the worst example of inter-specific aggression any of us had ever seen…  [a] young female had literally had the life beaten out of her.

Dolphins brutally kill the peaceful, fun-loving porpoise for kicks, and go on to practice infanticide on their own species. Jew-on-a-stick, that’s fucked up!

But it gets worse, because dolphins are also sexual predators… on us! It seems there’s this dolphin called ‘Freddy’ (yeah, as in ‘Kruger’ I bet), that has been swimming around the place, wrapping his sea-snake around innocent swimmers, and dragging them out to sea. That’s just fucking sick.

Folks, I am not making this up.

It wouldn’t surprise me to hear that dolphins were behind the recent leak in the Gulf of Mexico.

Anyway, why do I even care? Well, for me it started with this friend of mine (a nice girl but terribly naive about the world), who wrote on her blog of her recent experience with dolphins. She’d been swimming with them, apparently. Amazingly, she even lived to tell about it, and she went on to write about what “loving, fun, loyal, [and] unselfish” creatures they were.

What a crock of shit.

What the hell is it with these marine toerags that has every hippie all glowing and fuzzy? They’re always bleating on about how we should “protect these beautiful creatures”, but why? What’s so Goddamned important about dolphins?

I’ll tell you who I feel sorry for in all this: I feel sorry for the poor tuna who are innocently caught in the dolphin-nets. I’ve eaten dolphin, and it’s delicious! The last thing I want when I’m eating my sushi is the thought of all the tuna who died needlessly to ruin my appetite.

Take me to an aquarium, give me a sharp and pointy stick, and we’ll see how Mister Killer Sexual Predator Infanticide Rapist Dolphin fares against someone who is big enough to fight back.

But for goodness sake, leave the Tuna alone.

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13 Responses to “Flipper? Nah, Sushi.”

  1. Neddy said

    Sounds to me like dolphins come from China, no?

  2. MyLaowai said

    Well, at least one dolphin species did, and that was the Yangtze River Dolphin. They are, of course, extinct now.

    That said, efforts were made to preserve this delicacy for future generations of diners, and a consortium of Government and local business set up a ‘sanctuary’ (ironically using international aid and development money and foreign experts), where the dolphins would be easier to catch for the pot. As usual in these things, however, the appetites of local officials overcame their patience, and the last of these dolphins was eaten in 2006.

  3. Slap2tickle said

    好吃!!

  4. Slap2tickle said

    Is anybody having proxy or VPN trouble again, it seems there must be something that the CCP wants to hide, could it be to do with a bunch of rocks in the middle of the East China seas, or just total fear of losing control on power. My VPN just went off-line this morning though it seems I’m still getting through with Firefox which pleases me. What’s the verdict with the MLW team? I hope you can get over the wall on these dark days, we need you…

    • MyLaowai said

      Yes. Hence why I’ve not been on much lately. Even the proxies are shite recently.

      Verdict: These dirty shitemonkeys always have something to hide, so what’s new? I think they’re just fucking with us again. Incidentally, my computer always developes terminal problems and requiring reinstallation of the OS two days before National Day. This year was no different. It’s as regular as clockwork.

  5. MyLaowai said

    I’ve just received this from a reader:

    * *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *
    LOL – love the blog –
    (I’ve just burnt my stuffed dolphin)
    * *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *

    Dear reader, you have just won this months best comment award. That would mean something if there was actually a prize, such as the NOBEL PEACE PRIZE for instance. Sadly, my Chinese credit card won’t buy jack shit in the real world.

    Come and visit me, and I’ll make you a martini, though.

  6. Slap2tickle said

    You must be careful, your wife might be put under house arrest and disappear………. A Chinese friend of mine asked why Chinese academics or scholars don’t receive the Peace Prize, I told him one word “plagiarism”, allegedly over 70% of papers received from Chinese scientists are plagiarized due to pressure from the directors of the universities in order to receive recognition………

    • Chinese Netizen said

      Chinese do win in sciences…overseas and after they are exposed to civil society and throw off the yoke of a CCP dominated “research” regime and a certificate collecting system…

  7. Slap2tickle said

    As usual the CCP thinks that international recognition, respect and economic strength comes from the amount of certificates, gold medals or number of events held in China and not the actions of the government on such issues as human rights, animal rights or showing general respect for it’s people rather than how much the officials can line their pockets with riches….

  8. Neddy said

    “I’m getting the impression that Mylaowai himself is under house arrest, without an internet connection.”

    No, JR, I think it’s what happens when one overindulges on sushi. Unless one makes sure that the fish is untainted, such as imported from Norway…

    Wait a minute; did you say “house arrest”? You may have something there…

  9. MyLaowai said

    Jeez fellers, I’m sorry. Whilst it is true that Mrs MyLaowai has me under house arrest of late, I am not without an internet connection. Truth to tell, work has caught me up.

    Sorry. I’ll be back in gear shortly.

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