Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

An Open Letter To Top Gear

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Dear Top Gear,

You guys are great, you really are, and now I can honestly say that I’ve seen every episode up to the beginning of Season 11, thanks to illegal downloads. Well, you’d do it too, if you lived in China and were otherwise forced to watch endless repeats of China inventing the Olympics during the Tang Dynasty and winning WWII single-handed.

China… Hmmm… Did you know that Audi sell more cars here than in the US? Or that 4.7 million cars were sold here last year? All of which leaves me wondering why you don’t head over, under, or through the Bamboo Curtain for your next safari.

I mean, yes, the North Pole – very cool. Africa, the whole redneck USA experience – awesome. But it would be as nothing compared to the ‘roads’ here. China: 1.4 billion people, yet not a single capable driver. Ever. Surely that’s a record?

Don’t worry about challenges – the lads and I would have no trouble at all getting a short list together. Starting with being able to actually buy a car here and then be allowed to bring in anything as evil as a BBC television camera…

Give it some thought chaps, martini’s are on me.


15 Responses to “An Open Letter To Top Gear”

  1. Damn, it’s a good day when I can get to this website from my GoogleReader.

    Maybe they could have one of there ‘challenges’ – where Clarkson gets super-fkn-dooper sports car and goes from Nanjing to Shanghai via the ‘expressway’ and the Hamster gets a wee mini van and gets to go via the back roads. See who gets there first. I think Clarkson would fill his nappy and back off while the hamster would be zipping in and out like crazy through the villages and be in O’Malley’s by lunchtime.

  2. Oh, I’ll have a Martini – make it dry and extra large.

  3. MyLaowai said

    I probably should point out that I actually did write to Top Gear with this letter. I’m all-fired-up keen to see the boys come over.

    It would at least relieve the tedium of living in this putrid backwater.

    I’ve also been giving a lot of thought to the challenges. If you too have any ideas, please don’t put them here – instead email them to me MyLaowai AT gmail DOT com. That way potential challenges would actually be slightly unexpected in the unlikely event that anyone at the BBC ever bothered to read this humble blog (like the kind gentlepersons at the Wall Street Journal and the Guardian did, according to my stats).

    Tell your friends, spread the word. Write to Top Gear if you think it’ll help – visit the website at:


    (…unless it’s blocked again. Bloody China.)

  4. Neddy said

    Speaking of super-fkn-doopers, I’d be careful when challenging local talent and technology! You have heard about the 5000 years of innovation and all that; now get an eyeful of it:


  5. MyLaowai said

    Worryingly, it actually does meet every relevant Chinese standard.

    I think the inventor also makes milk powder and children’s toys.

  6. justrecently said

    God bless the Audi. They insist on buying the original.

  7. Neddy said

    Possibly. But if he makes milk powder and children’s toys, too, how come he doesn’t drive a black Audi?

    Maybe he makes this

    and actually drinks the stuff himself. Which would also explain some of the more advanced design features of his invention…

  8. Neddy said

    P.S. Trust me, I know. I once designed a lift (elevator) controller with three buttons: ‘Up’,’Down’ and ‘Surprise’. Bugger if I remember what I was smoking then.

  9. Neddy said

    Justrecently, are you saying this IS an Audi knock-off? Gosh, is anything sacred any more?

  10. justrecently said

    The Audi is a very weak German fake version of the Hong Qi (Red Flag). You keep forgetting that China invented the car. The Hong Qi was invented fourthousandfivehundred years ago by the Yellow Emperor. The chinacartimes is full of Western lackay journalists distorting true history.

  11. MyLaowai said

    I love those Red Flags – the only car in China that doesn’t suffer from chassis distortion every time one closes the door.

  12. MyLaowai said

    I’m embarrassed to say that Mrs MyLaowai, when shown a picture of the immortal Mk.2 Jaguar, asked “is it French?”

    Needless to say, she is currently spitting soap from her mouth.

  13. justrecently said

    An Audi is a revolutionary car.

  14. South China gets to watch Top Gear all the time. Every morning the glorious PRC replaces dreadful CBS Evening News from Foreignland with the same episode of that car show. Many laowai have given up hope of watching unapproved news.

  15. MyLaowai said

    I’m genuinely serious about this, Herr Mao – I really do want to get the Top Gear people over. Write to them, tell them how much we need them, offer them your first-born for medical experiments, whatever you can think of to help.

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