Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Just Another Train Journey

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, March 14, 2009

Hey there peasant wench. How’s it going? I’m not sure whether or not you are aware of this fact, but you’re in what is laughingly referred to as the ‘First Class Carriage’ on this train. It’s for people who have paid a premium in order to avoid being reminded of the fact that they are in China, although obviously it’s quite impossible to escape that harsh reality at any price.

I’m also not sure whether or not you know this, but by the age of five, most little boys are quite capable of using a toilet unassisted. In any other country, that is, but apparently not here. Certainly your son doesn’t need you to hold his legs apart in mid-air so that he can piss all over the aisle. Jesus Christ, wench! Put the kid down! Just. Put. The. Kid. Down.

What the fuck are you doing now? It’s bad enough that you are training your son to piss all over the aisle, but now you’ve just hitched up your own tresses and squatted down in the aisle, too. In the fucking aisle? What’s wrong with you? And what’s that rotten fish smell? Oh God, you people make me sick.

It isn’t like you even had to wait for much longer – I mean, there’s an unoccupied toilet not ten feet away! What the hell is wrong with you, peasant wench?

Right, this really is too much. I’m going to give you a disgusted look… No, as I feared, you have no sense of shame at all. Plenty of face, I’m sure, but a complete absence of shame. Right then, hear this: “That is uncivilised behaviour, and not harmonious”. No, don’t ignore me. I mean it.

Nothing huh? Well, you asked for it: “You are a disgusting animal”. It’s no good turning your head away and pretending you are somewhere else, because you’re not. You are right in front of me, squatting in the aisle of the First Class Carriage, pissing in a puddle. I hate you, I really do.

Oh, you’ve finished now? Good. Maybe the poor conductor will mop up your puddle of piss from the aisle. Wait a second… What’s this? It’s no good, you know. Holding a hand in front of your face while you hold a conversation about me isn’t much use when your whispers measure 67 decibels. What’s that you say? All foreigners are rude? I beg your par – I beg your fucking pardon?!

Wait one. Let me get my phone. Shhh… I’m trying to arrange for this train to be diverted to the nearest disinfecting siding. There’s vermin on this here train, and only the cleansing power of Lysol® [note edit, who says I’m not harmonious?] will do.

No, I’m afraid that no one will miss you if I kick you out the door at speed. Your entire extended family, who are apparently sat here with you, won’t miss you. Particularly since I mean to chuck them out, too. Your friends won’t miss you either, not in a society in which your best friend is the one most likely to inform on you to the Party. And sure as eggs, you won’t be missed by me.

It isn’t like you’ll even be a loss to the species in the event you don’t survive the fall. I seriously doubt that anyone in the entire history of your province has ever made a worthwhile contribution to the human race. You’re all just a waste of oxygen that could be put to better use by higher lifeforms, like pigs. That’s not just my opinion either – the Law of Averages is quite clear on the subject.

I wish, I really do honestly wish, that every pink-spectacled do-gooder in the West could be here now. I wouldn’t give your culture ten minutes if the people whose fingers are on big red buttons knew what you were really like. Personally, I’d turn the place over to people who are more civilised, more cultured, and who understand the meaning of ‘personal hygiene’. The Japanese, for instance.

That’s it, enough is enough. I can’t stand the sight, smell, or sound of you any longer. I’m getting Mister iPod out and going to sleep. Please try not to rob me (again).

And the next time I hear some hollow-chested nationalist fucktard bleating on about how the West never looks at the good things about China… I’m giving the blighter a warning shot between the eyes.

5 Responses to “Just Another Train Journey”

  1. Hunxuer said

    WOW!! Venom!!!!

    But I too have seen this cunt on a train to Fuzhou from Nanjing. Waste of Zyklon B but very necessary!

  2. justrecently said

    Wait one. Let me get my phone. Shhh… I’m trying to arrange for this train to be diverted to the nearest gasworks. There’s vermin on this here train, and only the cleansing power of Zyklon-B will do.
    Sorry, mate. But this is neither fun nor a way to vent ones anger.

  3. MyLaowai said

    Some edits.

  4. Bunnyhugs said

    Why is ‘fingers on red buttons’ OK and ‘Zyklon-B’ not?

    Less of the PC crap. . .

  5. MyLaowai said

    The guy who requested the edits also wrote to me privately explaining his reasons. Now, I’m not saying I agree with his reasons or his reasoning, but he did put them to me in a reasonable and mature manner. Given that it wouldn’t change the main thrust of the article, and given his manner of delivery, I made the edits. If only people in China would learn how to be reasonable and mature when dealing with other people, there’d be no need to have this blog.

    I find it interesting, too, that use of a nuclear device would be more acceptable than use of a poison. Certainly the nuke is far less selective. So, I guess you could say that MyLaowai does not discriminate against anyone (even though when we hire people we do).

    :) Happy Happy Everyday!

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