Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

If MyLaowai Was In Charge…

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Boy howdy, if I was in charge, there’d be a few changes around the parish:

As of today, replying to any question or statement with a noise that sounds like a barking troglodyte is illegal. And so is grunting “Shenma?”.

Believing that the Titanic was a romantic film and nothing more is illegal. It is also proof positive that there is a difference between one’s education being ‘for free’, and being ‘for nothing’.

The word “Hello” or any synonyms thereof must be used only as a friendly greeting, or you will be acting illegally, and are liable to experience summary execution.

If you are a woman who has been waiting in the checkout line at a supermarket and now it is time to pay for your three items, then spending the next eight and a half minutes trying (and failing) to find the exact change, organising your receipts, composing text messages and checking your make-up is illegal.

If you have just spent the last fifteen minutes elbowing your way to the counter at the bar / KFC / McDonalds, finally attracted the attention of the nearest staff member by waving a 100 kuai note at them, and then say “Hmmm… What do you sell? What is on special? Can I have a discount?”, then that is very illegal.

If you leave every open door closed and every closed door open, then that is illegal. I don’t care if you were conceived in a wind tunnel. The same general principle may reasonably be extended to cover lights and air-conditioning units.

Attending important international summits with the sole intention of ruining it for everyone else will be extremely illegal.

If you are a plumber you must not pass yourself off as an electrician, and vice versa. If you are repairing something, then that must be the thing you actually repair. Failure to actually repair it, despite replacing everything else in the room at vastly inflated rates, is illegal.

If you are unable to reverse (or ‘parallel’) park a car without the help of four assistants, three empty parking bays, and twenty minutes worth of time, then you are not permitted under any circumstances to make the attempt. In fact, you are not permitted to operate the vehicle at all. Note that ‘park’ means that your car is not obstructing passing traffic or pedestrians, and therefore leaving it on the footpath or in one of the road lanes does not count.

If you are an oncologist, and you consider that giving patients a henna tattoo and a bag of dried twigs is an acceptable form of treatment, then that is illegal.

With immediate effect all of the following are illegal: Food that was dredged from the moat around the local Town Hall; anything described as ‘traditional’; pickled cabbage; any part of an animal that is known in civilised places as ‘offal’; the parts of a chicken that are made of cartilage and sinew; grass and/or leaf mulch.

Opening your mouth to speak or exhale in public without first removing the mushroom farm and brushing with toothpaste is very illegal. Offenders will be fumigated on the spot with petrol and a match.

Failure to honour contractual agreements is not only illegal, it’s also uncivilised. First offence will be rewarded with a warning shot between the eyes. 100 grains of soft lead will generally cure you of your dishonesty.

This list is non-exhaustive and subject to change by MyLaowai at any time.

9 Responses to “If MyLaowai Was In Charge…”

  1. Chinese Netizen said

    IF you are an attractive young lady that suddenly, and shockingly, squats at the kerb like you’re about to have a public bowel movement while gnawing (like a cow with grass) on that half-meter long sugarcane stick, spitting the splinters onto the sidewalk, you will be beaten to within an inch of your life…

    • MyLaowai said

      And perhaps even an inch or so beyond that.

    • Jeffli said

      some how I’m finding that scene of a nubile Chinese lady 25 to 35 years old, squatting on the sidewalk chewing on sugar cane the smell of petroleum products and stinky tofu a tad arousing!…….and the talk of of so many inches being beat off… .|.
      lol have I been here too long?

  2. Slap2tickle said

    Why show any restraint? Is there any reason to stop within or even an inch after, just keep going.

  3. Wow, that’s crazy! You gotta get outta there.

  4. RecoveredSinoholic said

    Two hangable offenses:

    1. If you are a chink of the fenmale persuasion and stand with your cart, blocking the store entrance as you stare wide-eyed at the receipt as if it were a sutra or the latest Hong Kong sex scandal.

    2. If you are a chink who refuses to cover his mouth while coughing or sneezing. Even though I may be but a lowly overseas barbarian, I do not perceive it an honor be misted with the mucousy contents of a chinaman’s nose and throat.

    • 0112337 said

      So tell me, how do you grow that corn anyways?

      I have always wanted to learn from a real farmer.

      Don’t be pretentious….spill it out.

      • MyLaowai said

        I can understand you confusion, yu being a cuntry bumpkin and all.

        First you start with real dirt – none of that landfill stuff you lot use. Then, you plant corn seeds, not melamine shares. Then, you wait for them to grow into plants, not sell the farmer’s land to property developers, and then you harvest the corn, not murder in cold blood anyone who is protesting the loss of their home.

        Got it?

      • 0112337 said

        Oh Shucks Laowai, you are a real professional at this aren’t ya? Did the tabloids tell you anything else? Who’s sleeping with Zhang Ziyi now?

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