Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Archive for the ‘Ask MyLaowai’ Category

An Book Review – Party Members

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, October 13, 2016

Party Members, the new book by Arthur Meursault, is finally out. And the eagerly-awaited review of this book, by MyLaowai, is also out.

I probably should start out with a few trigger warnings. But I won’t, because trigger warnings are for people who are so intellectually weak and emotionally inadequate that they might as well be vegetarianists or poofs or Trump supporters*.

*For anyone who wants to be offended by that statement, but who doesn’t feel quite entitled, please feel free to consider yourself a cunt in a very general sense.

There are many reasons to buy this book, and one of them is that I know the author is struggling under the crushing weight of unforgiven student debt and is forced to give blowjobs in exchange for bowls of noodles on the streets of Anyuan*.

*This is a lie. The author does not live in Anyuan.

But the real question is, is this book right for you? Here’s a handy Q and A to help you decide:

Q. Is this book right for me?

A. I don’t know. Are you an American?

Q. Yes, I am as it happens. How did you guess? Was it the perfect teeth? It was, wasn’t it?

A. No, it was the smart suit and matching power-tie that looked so stylish. Bad news chum, this book probably isn’t for you.

Q. Oh? Why not?

A. You will be offended by it. You should have read all those trigger warnings. Plus, you probably have some sort of romantic notions about China and how it would be lovely if only the Communist Party would let the humble and very ordinary people get on with their lives, but things are no doubt improving and anyway people are basically the same everywhere and it isn’t their fault they are poor and besides…

Q. Um, no. I intend voting Trump.

A. You will still be offended by it. You should have read all those trigger warnings. Plus, you probably have some sort of notions about China stealing all your jobs and coming over here and buying all our real estate and obviously they want to start WW3 because Alex Jones said so, just like the Chinese killed millions of Americans during 9/11 and they are jealous because we beat them in the last war and besides…

Q. Um. Sorry. I lied, I’m actually English.

A. Really? Fascinating. Which part of Blighty doest thou hail from?

Q. Newcastle.

A. This book might not be for you. I checked on the results of the last referendum and it’s clear that you are 49.3% likely to be unable to read. Although, that said, the pages are nice and soft so you will at least be able to make some use of them. I’m a Daily Express man myself, when it comes to these sorts of things. Your call.

Q. Is this book really as offensive as everybody says?

A. Is your screen-name Robert Black, by any chance? Because if it is, you’ll hate it. It’s well written, descriptive, and essentially accurate. Though, there are rather a lot of references to sexual assault, so maybe you’ll be turned on by it after all.

Q. No, my name is Mike Hunt.

A. Righto. Thanks. Well, as a work of literature it’s definitely on the rough side. Not for persons of a delicate disposition, certainly. Not easy to read if you are sensitive or a delicate snowflake. But fairly factual.

Q. Factual?

A. Certainly. Not in the sense of being about a real person or being set in a real place, but more in the sense of being about facts in a general sense of the word. Sort of thing.

Q. So, what do you reckon? Is it for me? Should I buy it?

A. Honestly, I don’t know. Look, I’ve been very patient but I’m incredibly busy getting these Christmas decorations made and these coolies don’t work all that hard without a good beating from time to time, so why not just buy it and then let me know what you think, hmmm? Tell you what, if you buy it and don’t like it, I promise on my first-born’s grave that I’ll totally reimburse you*, alright? Get it on Amazon here: Party Members

*This is a lie.

And for what it’s worth, this reviewer has a copy, liked it a lot, and is now going to pour a gin and tonic and try to think of a creative yet unfair way to be cruel to his workers. Again.

Have a nice day.

Advertisements

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, China, Media, Newsflash, Propaganda, Zhang Ziyi | 1 Comment »

Party Members

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, June 25, 2016

160625 Party Members

Party Members: A Book by Arthur Meursault

 

Got so much money you don’t know how to spend it? Yeah, I know. It’s tough. I mean to say, there are only so many times you can have your Aston detailed before the shine blinds you. And frankly, I’m a bit over bathing in champagne. Which is why I was so delighted to be introduced to a new book, priced at a level that ensures you can afford it, and your coolies cannot. Read about it here:

https://arthurmeursault.com/2016/06/23/announcing-my-book-party-members/

I’ve read this, and it’s my considered and very important opinion that you should, too. At the very least, it’ll give you something to do while you’re waiting for the champagne bath to fill. Again.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, China, Media, Newsflash | 7 Comments »

The Fashionista’s – A MyLaowai Exclusive

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, September 19, 2015

Fashionista

If you have followed this blog for any length of time, you will be only too aware that we here at MLHQ stand squarely and solidly behind the position on the field of play, that is referred to as ‘reasonableness’. Oh yes indeed, we have dedicated ourselves to being reasonable and moderate in all things. And so it continues to this day.

With that in mind, let us turn our gaze to the very unreasonable state of fashion in what is laughably referred to as The Celestial Empire. Now, I am not one to tell others how to live, as long as they do so in a civilised manner. Yet there is unquestionably and certainly a need in this modern world for someone to play the role of a fashion inspector of sorts – a Fashion Policeman, if you will. I am sure I am not the first person who thought so.

And we here at MLHQ know a thing or to about what looks good. We know, for instance, that Adolf Hitler was the only man ever to look good in the back of a convertible. If you are in the back of a convertible and you are a man, but you are not Adolf Hitler, then kindly step out, at once.

A Fashion Policeman – Fashionista? – should have powers that are clearly and sharply defined. We would not, for instance, want to have folks fined merely for wearing last years’ Calvin Klein jeans, would we? Not when the real crime being committed was the wearing of Calvin Klein jeans, of any year. Obviously, there was a time when an empty brassiere was considered acceptable – though in the modern era it really ought to be a capital offense: It’s false advertising, at the very least.

The wearing of glasses without lenses is wrong, clearly, but it needn’t warrant more than a small fine, nor would taking a selfie, though in combination the dual crimes of wearing glasses without lenses whilst taking a selfie really ought to be punishable by being shot in front of your own children. And when I say “ought to be”, I mean “on my land you will be”.

As I say, reasonableness in all things. If you want to be dressed like a street whore, that’s fine – as long as you actually are a street whore. And in my street, that really is practically everybody. So that’s all good. Want to dress like a Middle Kingdom version of Princess Leia (with the brass bra and Heidi von Glockenstrudle hairstyle, obviously)? Not a problem, as long as you actually are either a/ Princess Leia; b/ actually are Carrie Fisher; or c/ attending one of those events where you dress up in weird clothes and call it ‘cosplay’ because ‘German hardcore porn’ would freak your mother out.

And, if you want to have a shoe covered in rabbit fur, at least have the decency to ensure the rabbit is dead before you slide your boot up it’s arse.

Thank you for your attention.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, China | Tagged: , | Leave a Comment »

Land of the Free

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, June 13, 2015

150615 Murcans

So yeah, the folks who live there call it the “Land of the Free”, for reasons that I’m sure make sense to them, though pretty much everyone else in the world calls it the “Land of the Oppressors”. But whatever.

No-one ever called it the “Land of the Smart”. Obviously. Because while Yanks are generally pretty nice people, they sure be dumb. And, unlike the Chinese, who are so dumb that they make two short planks look like quantum mainframes by comparison, Yanks don’t even have an excuse for their appalling tardness.

I leave it to you to make your own judgements, but I refer to you exhibit ‘A’ above.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai | Tagged: | Leave a Comment »

I am not Charlie

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, January 15, 2015

150115 I Am Not Charlie
A great many people have recently come out in support of the publication Charlie Hebdo, with the declaration “Je Suis Charlie,” or “I Am Charlie”. That’s fine with me, and I totally understand those sentiments. I share some of them. But MyLaowai is not Charlie; it is MyLaowai.

To put things into sharp focus, it is the policy of Team MyLaowai to support criticism of Islam. And Christianity. And Judaism. And any of the other weird and wonderful ‘beliefs’ people sometimes have.

Also, whenever possible, dictators and elected representatives, the police, the military (including the men and women who serve under arms). Parents are not given a free pass, nor are schoolteachers. Presidents and Kings and Queens and Generals are fair and legitimate targets. In fact, anyone in a position of power or authority can and should be open to criticism.

When you are in a position of power or authority, it is free and open and above all public criticism that helps keep you honest. The Chinese Communist Party doesn’t allow that, nor does Kim Jong-Un, to give a couple of examples. But what about the people who feel offended by criticism, direct or implied? Don’t those people have a right to not be offended?

No. In places where human expression is a value that is valued, if you don’t like what someone is saying, you have a whole slew of options available to you – you can simply not listen, you can make counter-arguments, or you can even try to persuade people to change their minds. And you can certainly harden the fuck up and grow a thicker skin. Hearing things you don’t like is a part of life in any sane society, it can even be educational at times, and the sooner you learn to deal with it in a mature fashion, the better and happier you and your society will be. And if you are in any way a civilised person, you will step in to support the underdog in almost every situation.

Well, what about so-called ‘hate speech’? Should Neo-Nazi’s and Communists and Tea Party spokespeople and anti-abortionists and anti-gay marriage activists and other dribbling idiots be allowed to preach violence at all and sundry? That’s not where we should automatically draw the line, but it is precisely the place where we need to examine where lines might be drawn. You might think that’s an easy one, that preaching violence against a group is clearly wrong, but what about the oppressed peoples of the world who live until the heel of a powerful and dictatorial regime and who have tried unsuccessfully for decades to win their freedom by peaceful dialogue? I wouldn’t draw the line against them, though I’d understand it if you did. A better way to look at it, would be to look at who has power and who does not, and in general terms I think most reasonable folks would say that those without power have a greater right to express themselves against those who do. And what is the difference between saying that you support people who commit violence, and actually committing that violence yourself? A big one. I should very much like Tibet and East Tukestan to be freed, and on this point you may agree or differ. But not many of you would argue that it was morally wrong to free the oppressed peoples of France in 1943, for example. And from this we can see that the exact same lines have been drawn in different places, because they were politically or practically expedient to do so. That is morally wrong, but it is a geopolitical reality that I can’t change.

I wouldn’t want to be the guy who drew up the laws that define precisely where the lines are, though, which is one reason why I’d rather criticise a politician than be one myself. The best I can do is draw my own lines, try to persuade you that they are drawn correctly, and be open to you changing my mind instead. It has happened before.

So what I can, perhaps, change, are my own beliefs, and the beliefs of the people I speak with. I know people who actually believe that the current Emperor of China is a good guy. Wow, I’m as opposed to that point of view as it’s possible to be, but rather than get all hot under the collar, I try to talk them around. Sometimes I am successful and sometimes I am not, but they remain people all the same. I know people who criticise my country. Fine with me – if you say something I disagree with I shall do my best to set you straight, just as I do when someone criticises your country in a manner that I feel is unjustified.

So, my personal line is drawn in a personal position, and that is a position you may share or not. I shan’t burst into tears if yours is different. But I will say this: be very careful when you feel a sense of outrage or wish to support someone out of a sense that is not your own, because that is when you are most likely to overreact and, in so doing, actually reduce the rights of the powerless to free speech.

MyLaowai is not Charlie, because the lines here are drawn differently. We do, however, support Charlie Hebdo’s absolute right to say the things they wish to say, as well as the absolute right of anyone to not agree with them. But not to pick up a gun as a way of winning the argument.

I hope you think about this issue, and think on it long and hard. Not because you should share the view here, but because the better people understand the issues and the more they have thought about their own positions and why they hold them, the less likely they are to pick up that gun themselves, except in extremis.

Thank you. Normal programming will now resume.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Censorship, Democracy | 1 Comment »

China Dolls

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Brace yourselves, because this doesn’t happen often. I am about to defend something in China.

In recent days, a Chinese seller of Chinese sex dolls in China has been persecuted by some angst-ridden fucktards whose parents obviously never taught them to mind their own fucking business, and those dolls are no longer for sale.

The hate-mongering wanksocks who orchestrated the anti-free market and anti-consumer choice campaign against this purveyor of marital aids were, of course, American. From New Jersey, no less. Fuck, I can feel the bile rising in my throat already. The founder of the anti-freedom organisation responsible, one Kelly Master, is someone I have fortunately never had the misfortune to meet, and I’ve been bruising my knees praying to a fictitious God that I never do. That said, she is no doubt the kind of dried-up minge who thinks Emily Brontë is far too racy for young girls to be exposed to. She no doubt firmly supports a complete ban on the eating of bananas, on account of how sexually suggestive that can be. She obviously has cobwebs in her cooch, too.

I mean, seriously? It’s a sex doll. It’s not like it’s going to run about the world telling everyone else how they should live and drop bombs on some poor fucking village from a Predator drone, or force people into ‘stress positions’ until they confess to believing in the wrong imaginary God or whatever. It’s. Just. A. Sex. Doll. Get a fucking life already Kelly. It’s less real than my right hand. It’s the same real as a coffee cup. A coffee cup doesn’t make most folks turn to pedophilia, not even the ones filled with Starbucks coffee.

Here’s what the doll looks like:
Doll

As you can observe, it has the same expression that every middle-aged Chinese woman has. It has the same body shape too. Same hairstyle, same lifeless eyes, same fashion sense. Obviously, it is a recreation in plastic and latex of a middle-aged Chinese woman.

I haven’t the faintest fucking idea why anyone would want to buy one of these things. It’ll be no better to have sex with than any other Chinese woman, though to be fair it is unlikely to be any worse, either. But thanks to you, Kelly Master, you moistureless, wizened skank, thanks to you I am going to buy one of these dolls. I am going to install it permanently in the passenger seat of the Aston. And I shall put up a little sign next to it, that reads:

“At Least This Bitch Knows How To Mind Her Own Fucking Business”.

Have a nice day folks. I’ve got people to fire.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Censorship | Tagged: , , | Leave a Comment »

Fuat Yalan – Almost Right

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, August 19, 2013

Fuat Yalan This is Fuat Yalan, a politician who, after seeing a video of Chinese people beating up a poor Uighur boy, made some comments that various weak-minded fucktards have called ‘racist’. Now, I’m of the opinion that when a politician says something he honestly believes to be true, then that should be applauded, particularly when, as is the case here, he is right.

However, whilst Mister Fuat Yalan is generally correct in his sentiments, something that all right-minded humans who have been to China won’t for a moment doubt, he is incorrect in the particulars. Here is his quote:

“I hope that it will be 140 degrees and that all the Chinese will burn, so the world will be free of that Chinese filth.”

And here is what he should have said:

“What China really needs to do is have three weeks of petroleum rain, followed by a decent lightning storm, and have the resulting fire extinguished with napalm.”

Have a nice day. Unless you are in China, in which case you won’t.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Media | Leave a Comment »

What Really Happened…

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, June 4, 2013

What Really Happened

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Censorship, China, Democracy, History, Human Rights, Motivational! | 1 Comment »

Love You Long Time, GI

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, March 27, 2013

It may come as a bit of a surprise to some of you, that we here at Team MyLaowai receive on a daily basis emails from girls wanting to meet us. Now, on the surface this may seem strange, as none of us really like China very much and very few of us actually want anything to do with Chinese people, and we are fairly clear on this. But the simple fact is that even someone who doesn’t want to know you and who despises your culture with a deep and abiding passion, is a better choice than a Chinese bloke. That’s just a fact. Some of these girls are probably gold-diggers and some are looking to get the magic passport of any other country, but I reckon that the vast majority are probably normal, ordinary girls.

Now then girls, I can’t speak for everyone at Team MyLaowai, but speaking personally I have to say that your chances are not great. To start with, Mrs MyLaowai would not be very impressed if I were to park the Aston at your place overnight, if you get my meaning. In fact, she would probably be tempted to do nasty things involving a pair of secateurs and quite frankly I don’t fancy the thought of spending the remainder of my life in the style of John Bobbit. But because you do still keep writing, and because I can’t get into trouble by reading your emails or looking at your pictures, allow me please to give you a few tips.

1. Don’t send me pictures of yourself eating. I don’t want that horrible thought in my head. I have enough horrible thoughts there already. I know you eat, I know everyone eats, but unlike you I don’t find the thought of constantly eating some disgusting muck very appealing, and you are not turning me on with it. Please stop.

2. I can tell the difference between a face that is clean, and one that has a quarter-inch of makeup plastered over it. You’re not fooling anyone with that. If your face has all kinds of growths and birthmarks and disgusting boils and bad acne, so be it. It’s at least honest to show that, instead of hiding it under builder’s plaster.

3. I am not impressed with your iPhone or Louis Vuitton handbag or whatever other piece of fashionable crap you want to show off. I just really don’t give a shit. If you want to show me something that might impress me, then show me your tits if you have any worth looking at.

4. Please, please don’t tell me you are “God-fearing”. To start with, I don’t live in the Philippines and you do, and that would pose logistics problems if nothing else. Secondly, saying you are God-fearing is like me saying that I am mango-fearing, the only difference being that at least mangos do actually exist. If you want to live in La-La Land with your psychotic and delusional fantasies about a mythical Man in the Sky whom you are afraid of, then please keep it to yourself. I am not interested, because I have a brain.

5. Saying that you are “wait me” doesn’t actually mean anything in English. I do appreciate that English is your second language, but in this wonderful age of MS Office, you can do a spelling and grammar check without twisting yourself into contortions, so bloody well do so.

6. So, you are a ‘Traditional Chinese Woman’, are you? That merely means you take it up the Hershey Highway so you can keep your virginity intact. That’s about it, really.

7. Interested in marriage? Great. I’m not. Marriage is something to flee from at high speed. I don’t want to marry you, or meet your family, or have your relatives anywhere near me. I will not visit them at Spring Festival and I don’t give a flying fuck if they need to go to hospital and are short of money. I’m not interested in making babies with you. These are just some of the things that I don’t want, but you get the point.

8. If I was a single chap, I might possibly be interested in meeting for a drink, and maybe you could even offer to buy me one. If that went well, maybe we could date for a while. If that went well, we might end up living together. And then who knows what the future might hold? But I’m not single, and I don’t play the field. One woman is already more bother than I need in my life, and the trouble caused by women is equal to the square of the number of women in a man’s life.

9. I might have hinted subtly at this previously, but I want to be clear: you really do need to show me your tits. This is the main thing, really.

10. There is no point 10. I was going to write a point 10, but now I am distracted by a picture of a girl with no makeup and decent tits who doesn’t have an iPhone or a LV bag, and who isn’t shovelling gruel into her maw. The picture is of Mrs MyLaowai, and she is the gatekeeper. Basically, if you can get past her, you have a chance. Good luck with that, and keep sending me pictures of your tits. Thank you.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Sex Sex Sex, Zhang Ziyi | 44 Comments »

Sex Trip to China? Forewarned is Forearmed

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Guest-Post-Xmas

Hi, single foreign boys and men coming to China. Some simple rules:

1) Yes, you will get lied to. Hourly.

2) Tell them you have no money, house or car. Bye-bye gold-digging whores. So many of them.

3) Tell them you never plan on leaving China. Winnowing the escape artists. So many of them.

4) Survive these, then ask them “And what do your parents think of this?

And if you make it through all of this (down to about 0.001% of available females by now)…

5) 2 out of 3 new AIDS infections in China come from heterosexual sex…

Your brother in legs…

– DaBizzare

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Guest Post, Sex Sex Sex | 9 Comments »