Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

New Policy

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, July 19, 2010

I’ve had it with a certain group of ‘people‘. But rather than go off on another non-productive rant, I have come up with a better policy. Behold the magnificence of my genius:

Whenever a local yokel lies / cheats / steals from my business, I shall fire one of my workers.

This will not fix the basic problem, because of course the basic problem is that 99.99% of Chinese are lying, cheating, stealing cunts, so it ain’t fixable anyway (well, short of opening the door of a fifteen mega-tonne microwave oven over the centre of every major city in China). It won’t adversely affect my production either, because I’ve never seen Chinese actually doing any work. But it will make me feel good, and that’s what matters.

I wish I’d started a business in a country like Hong Kong or Taiwan.

21 Responses to “New Policy”

  1. Slap2tickle said

    Country or County? Difficult to read after a few bottles.

  2. MyLaowai said

    Country. This blog likes to keep things correct and accurate at all times.

    Mind you, if it’s hard to read after a few bottles, it’s even harder to write whilst under the influence of sobriety.

  3. Slap2tickle said

    That’s why my posts are mostly short, sweat and straight to the point, I don’t like to beat about the bush.

  4. 中国万岁 said

    Actually, Taiwan and Hong Kong are part of China. China is Indivisible! Don’t meddle in our internal affairs, Mr. Foreign.

    • MyLaowai said

      Sure they are. Except for the part about Chinese citizens needing a passport for international travel to go there.

      Mind you, China claims lots of other countries as being indivisibly part of China since ancient times. Tibet, for example. And Mongolia. East Turkestan, too. Sikkum and some places ending in -Pradesh also. And parts of Russia, India, Vietnam, the Philippines, Indonesia, and more recently Australia, New Zealand, Hawaii, and the entire South China Sea. Oh, and unofficially Outer Space.

      None of those places are actually China, and neither are Taiwan or Hong Kong, as the people who live there are very quick to point out.

      • Slap2tickle said

        My wife being Chinese says that HK wasn’t controlled by the British, but it was a clever plan by the CCP to control Britain. They’re infiltrating everywhere now and that was the long term strategy with the “bread like rabbits” policy during the Mao era.

    • Scoobydo said

      It always struck me as funny that the ‘richest city in China’ was never Hong Kong or Taipai but rather some poor cousin on mainland China.

      I used to have fun with students when they stated above by aggressively asking them if they were saying Taiwan wasn’t part of China?

      Chinese people – full of double standards.

      Heads they win, tails, you lose.

  5. Scoobydo said

    Mind you, China claims lots of other countries as being indivisibly part of China since ancient times…Oh, and unofficially Outer Space.

    You foolish barbarain! You know nothing. Chinese man Wan-Hoo first in space!

    “Early in the sixteenth century, Wan decided to take advantage of China’s advanced rocket and fireworks technology to launch himself into outer space. He supposedly had a chair built with forty-seven rockets attached. On the day of lift-off, Wan, splendidly attired, climbed into his rocket chair and forty seven servants lit the fuses and then hastily ran for cover. There was a huge explosion. When the smoke cleared, Wan and the chair were gone, and was said never to have been seen again.”


    Space is indivisibly part of Mainland China!

    • MyLaowai said

      The day the American first landed on the moon, Chinese newspapers across the nation led with the headline ‘China First On Moon’ (in chickenscratchenese, of course). Their logic, such as it was, was that this Wan character showed the Americans how to do it, thus proving that China was first.

      I know, I know… [shakes head]

  6. justrecently said

    The moon, to start with something tangible, is German. Live with it.

  7. 0112337 said

    And your momma’s mine…biatch!

  8. RecoveredSinoholic said

    I love that “Wan Hoo” story. The sort of thing that only the wacked-out chinks could have thought up. Dude could have saved himself the expense of buying all those rockets, though, and just eaten a head or two of bok choy.

  9. Slap2tickle said

    He could have saved himself by getting one of his eunuchs to do it, after all isn’t that what the CCP does with the 1.3 billion people?

    • 0112337 said

      But what if the majority of the “eunuchs” are actually content with the way things are? With the general, continuous, progress of things? Have you thought about that?

      What do you suggest? Have a violent uprising (Russian style), then a pseudo-western style democracy, a replay of the Soviet Union collapse so that you imperialist lot can then come in without hindrance and take ownership of unprotected firms and whores the once virtuous women (or what’s the word you animals use? Free love..that’s right), and finally have all the “eunuchs” live in a country like India? Where people die, shit, beg, use drugs, on the streets of major cities? Where roads are almost non-existent, and power shortages are rampant when no bribes were not given on time, and the factories, workers, and managers all dance in the rain, lay off work, and have a big fiesta during the Monsoon Season? Oh and lets not forget the corruption…at the same levels or worse than Russia today?

      Do you want this happen in say…France? Germany? Australia? America (Well, some parts of America are almost like this now after the Great Recession…but that’s beside the point)?

      The clowns on this blog are pathetic. You and I both know that none of you are willing to live like the locals for more than one year in say…South Central Los Angeles, Flint Michigan, Harlem New York (where the street gun battles are more fierce than the battlefields in Iraq or Afghanistan, where the “niggas in the ‘hood” will “pop” your ass for being white), or say…Dehli. But when you come to China, and stand in awe of the great cities like the miserable small village bumpkins that you are, where the kind locals give you the best food, best service, best place to live…out of pure friendship and hospitality, you spoiled, miserable, clowns pass judgment and lie to them about the greatness of your village.

      你们这帮傻屄 are beyond pathetic, especially 那个什么不顾正业的傻屄,我的老外,在这里他妈的到处放屁. I don’t even know how to describe the posters here anymore. Words fail.

      Do you think the Chinese people owe you something? That you are their ancestors and must be respected and listened to by tradition?

      Do you really think they are stupid? That they don’t understand what’s going on, what your countries are like? Or is it the so called “childish attitude” you fools perceive which gives you the impression that you need to discipline them?

      Idiots, they act childishly because pure friendship only occurs on children’s level.

      Chinese people in China think you Laowais are like children too, but are they stupid or disrespectful enough to try and discipline you?

      Don’t you think that your stupidity will cause the Chinese to abandon their great hospitality and eventually oust you ungrateful guests? Do you want to be hated and despised? Is that good for your business in the long run?


  10. 0112337 said

    If you, the foreigner, had so much to eat that you have the energy to dream up absurd thoughts such as pretending you are Hu Jintao, drafting plans to change a foreign country (completely unknown to you), dictating others on how they should live, then consider this, first go out and jog for a kilometer or two. If you still feel the heat or gas rising up in you and it can’t dissipate and you still feel the urge to be Hu Jintao then go to the nearest brothel, and screw as many in there as you can. That usually does the trick, if it doesn’t, live with it or seek the help of a doctor who will balance your gas.

    The best way to change things in China is through connections…or something like indirect lobbying with Chinese characteristics. When you know people, things get done.

    It is my hope that all the children of those in power will use their connections to make a positive change in their country and not merely use them for personal gains.

  11. Slap2tickle said

    Hujintao goes to brothels and screws as many as he can? WOW Thank you for clarifying things for us here at mylaowai, we had our doubts at first but not any more.

    • MyLaowai said

      There’s no proof of this. Sure, his family owns many, many brothels, but there’s no proof that he visits brothels as a paying customer.

      He was conceived in one though, I hear, but that’s just a rumour.

      • Slap2tickle said

        I didn’t think that high ranking officials paid for anything these days, after all they work hard to keep social harmony and to fend of the Imperialist westerners, they deserve some much needed attention from KTV and massage girls to help relieve stress and to keep clarity of mind. What more can the people offer their saviours.

    • Scoobydo said

      I admire Hujintao.

      If I remember correctly, his official salary was less than 2,000 RMB a month but he could afford houses, cars and private foreign eduction for is family.

      Now that man is a saver!

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