Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

The Christmas Rant. Again.

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, December 19, 2010

So here it is, as Slade once famously sang, Merry Christmas. And a very Merry Christmas to you, wherever you may be.

I am wishing you a Merry Christmas from a place where the phrase “goodwill to all men” is a concept so alien that there’s more chance of it being understood by arsenic-based lifeforms than by the local inhabitants.

Merry Christmas from a place where 666 is considered to be amongst the luckiest of numbers, and where Christmas Day is translated roughly as ‘Receive Gifts Day’, which, if you have been paying attention these last few years, will not come as much of a surprise to you at all. And, of course, from a place where Santa Claus is a sullen Mao statue dressed in a red coat and any snow you may encounter is likely to be grey in colour.

Merry Christmas from a place in which hatred, resentment and vengeance are all considered virtues, and which is ruled by a brutal totalitarian dictatorship whose legitimacy is based solely on the fact that they share with the general populace an overarching sense of resentment and mistrust against anyone who comes from a place in which the meaning of Christmas might be understood.

Merry Christmas from a place in which no corner is ever left uncut and no good deed has ever gone unpunished. Where showing genuine concern for others and real patriotism for your country is likely to get you thrown into a prison to rot (although it might put you in line for the Nobel Peace Prize).

I wish you all the most joyous of tidings, and I will be thinking of you all – yes, each and every one of you out there in intertube land. I shall endeavour to enjoy my own Christmas, too, though with each and every year it becomes less and less easy to do so in a land where the very best and brightest may have figured out how to walk and chew gum at the same time, but will refuse to do so if there is not a significant cash backhander for them in return. It’s not easy to see the good in all men, when one is living in history’s most corrupt society, in which the sheer cuntiness of one’s fellow men is exceeded only by their unmatched depths of moral depravity and utter ethical bankruptcy, but I shall endeavour to do my best.

Merry Christmas from the country whose school report card would read: ‘Doesn’t play well with others‘.

Merry Christmas from the place where protesters are regularly machine-gunned by the army (and I’m not just talking about T-square, either), but where the survivors would enlist the next day if there was a chance of shooting a foreigner or a Buddhist monk.

Merry Christmas from the land in which ‘civilisation’ is just something that happened to other people.

Oh yes indeed. I wish you all a Merry Christmas, and whether or not you actually celebrate this ancient festival, rest assured that my good wishes apply equally to you all.

Merry Christmas from China.

5 Responses to “The Christmas Rant. Again.”

  1. Michael Yang said

    xmas in china is very good and best.china invent xmas first in ancient time and foreigner take back home and copy.if you not like you go home to your country.stupid foreigner so jealous to us all time.so tired.

    • Slap2tickle said

      Of course, China invented wooden chopsticks which are still in use today, one of only a few things not destroyed in the culture revolution, and as much as I enjoy pulling splints out of my swollen lip during meal time I can’t help but think about the new forms of hepatitis from A-Z also invented in China that I might be picking up, after all the Chinese like to share more than food between friends, though I’m surprised that China hasn’t made claim on inventing AIDS, that’s still blamed on the imperialistic westerners hellbent on destroying Chinese society. Damn laowai!

  2. justrecently said

    “When life seems hard, the courageous do not lie down and accept defeat; instead, they are all the more determined to struggle for a better future.”

  3. Nips Are Great said


  4. Hans said

    my rant turned so long i am sending it in as a guest post :P

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