Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Haibao? Is That You?

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, September 5, 2011

I have a small confession to make. A small, but telling confession. It may shock some of you, and this is definitely not for small children. If you are easily shocked, or you is a small children, then look away now.

I’m that guy. You know, the guy who sings Eighties songs to himself on the plane. I even know the words. My computer is filled to overflowing with Eighties songs, I have Eighties music videos, I even have some Eighties music posters, including a few of Sam Fox. Lovely girl.

I think Joe Satriani was great. Belinda Carlisle too. And Bryan Adams before he started doing soft, weak songs – in fact I happen to believe that upon reaching the age of adulthood, every Canadian should be led into a special government office and shaken by the hand, just because of Bryan Adams and ‘Summer of 69‘. And then punched in the face, for Bryan Adams singing ‘All for Love‘. The Buggles were tops. Madonna didn’t have AIDS in the 80’s. Olivia Newton-John didn’t sag. Bruce Springsteen gave the appearance of having talent. Queen and Europe and Joan Jett and Pat Benatar were all bloody brilliant. As was Transvision Vamp.

So yes, I am that crazy old guy. Perhaps some of you suspected it already. That’s fine. But here’s the twist:

I was watching Tiffany on YouTube, singing ‘I think we’re alone now‘. Excellent song. And then out of the blue, whammo! I saw Haibao! Tiffany was dancing with Haibao! In the 80’s!

How did she know? How???

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8 Responses to “Haibao? Is That You?”

  1. Bill said

    What about Blondie before she looked like a ‘crack ho’?

  2. Bill said

    Is it just me or is Haibao sporting wood?

  3. 欢迎fuckyfucky said

    fuck i’m bitchy today

    so what could it be

    yes, i had a very nice coffee this a.m. followed by a regular man’s breakfast which means it wasn’t fucking rice gruel and some steamed bun with or without the fucking shite mix of dodgy pork dog chink ground-up and with local shit pickle and peppers.

    and i went out onto the street

    and i did my usual rounds and saw some brainless little shit who always wears the ‘i love chinky-land’ shirt that was popular among the locals in 08 he wears it every day every fucking day i’ve had the odd conversation with him now and then i think everybody should be able to guess what i mean by ‘odd’ because you can’t really have a conversation with the brainwashed twats and this little monkey is as brainwaSHed aS THEY COME

    i betcha every laowai remembers when he had his first mooncake

    yes i sure as fuck do

    it was ’94

    and i went to see my chinese ‘buddies’ – what’s a friend among chinks anyways they were all single living on a fourth floor/roof set of rooms (one got the shit kicked out of him for FUCKING ANOTHER’S WIFE) and they all had the same shit-face smile on talking about mooncakes and so they told they they were so very fucking good good good good good to eat good to eat you guys know the routine in chinkyland mindless shite they spew

    yes so they had a couple boxes of moonckaes that their kommiE work-unit gave them and they took about a half fucking hour debating among themselves which one to give me yes, i hadn’t been in chinkistan long eNOUGH TO KNOW THERE ISN’T ANYTHING GOOD TO EAT HERE I THOGUHT THEY COULD AT LEAST DO THEIR TRIBAL FESTIVALS WITH SOMETHING DECENT PASSABLE EDIBLE NO NO NO THAT WAS SURE WRONG YEAH, JUST ANOTHER NAIL IN THE COFFIN FOR THE NONESENSE WHICH PASSES AS CIVILIZATION HERE

    SO ITs chosen and presented to me and I BITE INTO THE FUCKING THING AND I’ve got the shite in my mouth and i think just like when i was a kid and had to eat the fucking boiled ‘nips at dinner time i need a fucking beer to wash this fucking piece of shit down my gullet well all my monkey friends are watching me/my reaction ‘oh goddamned this is so fucking good’ i say ’cause at least by then i knew that lying was perfectly acceptable ‘fuck this is so fucking good, how come there can’t be mooncake festival every month in your monkey voodoo doctor calendar’ yes yes they liked that response ‘hey, how about a beer’ yes yes it was warm as the monekys didn’t know any better in ’94 to put beer in the goddamned fridge and keep the fridge turned on but christ it washed the moocake down ok

    ‘have another’

    ‘no no i’m mooncaked out laowais can eat too many mooncakes our stomachs aren’t like yours, right’

    yes that made perfect sense to them

    well you may have noticed that i’ve changed my user name from

    Nips Are Great

    to

    欢迎fuckyfucky

    yes, because that what this shit-hole is

    a fuck fest for foreigners – notice the four fs

    make sure you double bag it

  4. 欢迎fuckyfucky said

    Isn’t it time for a champion rant session?

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