Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Oh, I’m Sorry

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, October 11, 2007

Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to knock you off your motorcycle as you sped down the footpath towards me this morning. Really, I’m sorry. What is it you Bamboo Monkeys say? Yes, thanks – dui bu qi. I mean it. It really wasn’t my intention to put my elbow out and knock your mirror. Mirror? That’s the useless thing that humans use to help them with their situational awareness. And if my elbow accidentally carried on and hit your arm, then dui bu qi for that, too. All the same, you must admit it was quite funny, that strange noise you made just before you hit the deck. How did it go? Oh yes, “Aiyoaiyoaiyo!“. Hahaha! Priceless! Well done!

What’s that you say? I kicked you? Nonsense. Granted, my foot may have given your rear tyre a nudge, but it was hardly a kick. All the same, dui bu qi. Stop whinging, there’s a good girl – it could have been worse, it isn’t like you actually broke any bones, is it? Oh, you did? Your fingers, you say? How did that happen? I’m standing on them? Well, look at that! Gosh – dui bu qi. I really don’t know how that happened. Lucky for you it wasn’t your windpipe I accidentally stepped on. Not that there would have been any point in that, after all you’ve already spawned your litter and passed on your defective genes, so your death at this point would be almost as meaningless as your entire life.

No, you misunderstand. I’m not blaming your defective genes on you. Not at all. That’s the fault of your mother and the tofu-seller who lived next door. We have a saying: 5,000 years of inbreeding is probably not good. Yep, that’s a real saying. Think of it as a Big Character Slogan, but in a real language. What? Oh yes, I’ll get off your fingers now. Dui bu qi.

Call me a glass-is-half-full kind of guy, but at least there wasn’t a ditch for you to fall into, like the last person who tried running me down did. There she lay, in the bottom of the ditch, legs wrapped around the twisted remains of her motorcycle – Oh how we laughed. Oh yes, she was laughing all right, I could see the tears running down her cheeks. Of course, I did apologise. “Du bu qi”, I said, and I meant it, too.

Well, think of this as an educational experience. Next time you see a foreign devil, perhaps you’ll have learned not to try to run him down with your motorcycle as he walks to work along the footpath. Interesting word, that. ‘Footpath’, foot path, footpath… Almost sounds like it means a path for pedestrians, esp. an alley between buildings or a pavement at the side of a road. Yes, it does sound a bit complicated I know. Call me Mr. Oxford English Dictionary, dui bu qi about that.

Hmmm…? What was that you were saying? Yes, your mobile phone is broken, I’m afraid. Dui bu qi. Perhaps if you’d been watching where you were going, instead of endlessly repeating all your ring tones, it would still be in one piece. So yes, your mobile phone is broken, but on the bright side, your mobile phone is broken. Isn’t it your lot that have that lovely saying, something to the effect of: “If something is broken or stolen then you are lucky, because you can get a new one”? I’ve never really understood that, but I assume you do.

Ah, here comes my bus. It was so nice having this chance to chat with you. No, I don’t have any time now to help extricate you from the wreckage of your former motorcycle, dui bu qi. Perhaps if you are really, really lucky, then one of your countrymen might actually help you.

I wouldn’t count on it, though. Zai Jian lah.

11 Responses to “Oh, I’m Sorry”

  1. Peter said

    Real experiense or fantasy?

  2. MyLaowai said

    I’m taking the Fifth on that one. No sense incriminating myself, is there?

  3. Eric D. said

    I could picture the entire scene in my head. I still remember us walking to hot pot last year, and the bicyclists ringing their bells at us because they also couldn’t figure out foot…path.

    Fuck ’em.

  4. Peter said

    MyLaowai: Understood, just curious. Got my answer and I liked it ;-)

  5. Is this gonna Kill You? No i Dont Think so !

  6. […] Read the rest of this great post here […]

  7. FOARP said

    Wotcha Mylaowai,

    Never really read your full website but I did today and I think you’re one of those commentators who ‘gets’ China, in fact ‘gets’ it rather too well. I think you need some idealism to deal with a country like China without despairing, no country has ever dragged itself so far economically in the history of the world so quickly, so one has to at least hope it’s all going to come out alright, even if it is totally unrealistic to imagine that it might not go totally balls-up.

    Whatever, this website is definitly quality, I hope you keep on posting, this is the only website going that has a touch of realistic pessimism about China and the way it’s going. I also followed those links of yours to Chinabounder, I had never bothered reading the site as I was turned off by all the hype, but never was a quality website about China written with such passion, he (or they) deserved better commentators – it seems this is the fate of all good China blogs.

    At any rate, I’m back in London but find myself always trying to keep in with the life in China, I would give myself about a 50/50 chance of being back on the Red Planet in the next year and 100% chance of at least visiting Shanghai in the next two – so I’ll definitely try to hit you up for a Martini (although G&T is more my thing) when I get there. Send me an email at my address anytime you like.

    The FOARP

  8. shuggie said

    Riding spastically towards you on my shitheap of a motorcycle you might’ve gotten the impression that I was a festering twat or was just acting with precision as one – however I’d like to explain to you that this is just a common loawai misconception, and that doing things like speeding down footpaths, spraying gob everywhere and endlessly repeating all the ring tones on my mobile phone is just our Chinese way of refusing to be lost in the crowd of global culture as it were.

    You’re not Chinese after all so you can’t really be expected to understand this clearly, but 5000 years of inrutting as a form of social glue is often overlooked by the outside world. After all, families that play together stay together…

  9. MyLaowai said

    “5000 years of inrutting as a form of social glue is often overlooked by the outside world”

    hahaha so very true. How would you like to be a guest poster here? You too, FOARP? Gotta do something now that sinocidal has sinocided, right?

    In the meantime, and just to keep the theme going…

    Incest: The Game For The Whole Family (TM)

  10. shuggie said

    “The worst is not always certain but it’s very likely..”
    Am currently having to use “anonymouse” just to get into the site – it seems you might’ve ruffled a few dandruff-laden combovers in the internet police who probably took offense to the theme that there might be something inherently wrong in playing with your daughter’s funbags and more.
    Stoating the baw is a disgraceful act and obviously doesn’t take much balls, [if you substitute the word take in the above sentence for have you’ve got a Wikipedia definition of the local male] but to extend this point a little further it might also explain the utter crap that is men’s football in China where “own goals” and getting arsed by countries like Iraq is the extent of their ability.
    If they had any self-respect or national pride as is the oversung bleat they’d have packed their little farce in a long time ago and left matters to countries like Saudi Arabia and Japan who know what honour is really all about. Try selling cardboard boazi in Riyadh and you’d get that filthy thumb with it’s grotesque fag finger nail cut right the fuck off…if Japan ever lost to Chian at football there’s no doubt that the whole team would pull out those Summery Swords and commit Harry Kewell on the spot…

  11. shuggie said

    Erm..in that second last sentence the word should read China and not Chian..lost my head there for a second.

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