A Definite Pattern
Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, January 28, 2008
I’ve noticed a definite pattern with foreign bloggers in China. Two patterns, actually. They are:
1. The nearer one is to Beijing, the more likely one is to be an apologist.
2. English teachers are more likely to be apologists.
Of course, as with any patterns and trends, there will always be examples that don’t fit the general trend, however the trend itself is clear, as shown in this scientific graph:
Having firmly and conclusively established that the risk of a blogger being an apologist twat in dramatically increased by proximity to Beijing, and/or by being an English Teacher, let us examine the likely outcomes of this condition on the blogger’s Blog.
The most noticeable blog effect of this apologism, is that the blogger becomes obsessed with speaking Ewok-hua at every opportunity. This can be seen in the blog in an increased use of Ewok-hua terms and phrases. Obviously, a minimal level can be considered ‘normal’ whilst blogging in Red China, however the extreme lengths these apologists go to in order to incorporate Ewok-hua in their blogs must be considered as a seriously twat-like condition.
Hand in hand with this use of ‘language’, is a frighteningly high tolerance of fucktardedness on the part of the local citizenry. Things that would never, ever, be acceptable anywhere else in the universe, even by retarded lemmings, are considered ‘cultural’ and thus above reproach. Criticism of this mis-‘behaviour’ is not tolerated and can often result in virulent criticism, by the apologist.
In addition to these serious effects, the apologist exhibits an increased propensity towards living in ‘Hutongs‘, going to KTV’s, eating local ‘food’, and other forms of behaviour that would be considered aberrant in a normal environment.
Finally, and most worryingly, the apologist frequently resorts to parroting phrases used by the Red Gods (a.k.a. the Chinese Communist Party). Phrases such as “China is peaceful”, “China is developing rapidly”, “China is a victim of foreign aggression”, “China has 5,000 years culture”, “Tibet is part of China”, and other, similar, lies are all repeated over and over again with no apparent consideration of the damage done to the security of the apologist’s own nation and culture.
It is indeed a matter of great concern that the Truth is the ultimate victim here, though as caring fellow bloggers we should all do our best to encourage these apologists to either repent or sod off. The latest medical research has suggested that even the most apologistic bloggers can be reformed, and without the use of Laogai slave labour camps. With the right approach, and with the help of Corneal Modification Technology to have the rose-tinted cornea’s removed from their eyes, these apologists can once again be made to see the Truth.
Perhaps some can never be saved, but we owe it to ourselves to try.
Wo Shi Laowai - Wo Pa Shui 
Hunxuer said
Based on my exhaustive research, I’ve also come across the fact that the more remote and “country” a blogger is, the more he/she has become peasant-like in thinking and thus even more apologist than his/her cousin, “city slicker apologist”, who at least can go to some high end western restaurant or entertainment venue to “reconnect” once the inaneness of the locals and realization that he/she will never truly be accepted as a “revolutionary” kicks in.
Poor “Country Apologist” has no such option and is forced to have dorm/apartment/foreign expert guesthouse parties with other of his/her ilk such as “Repentful Jap”, “Overseas Returnee Chink”, “Better Here Than There Bolshevik”, and “I Wanna Fuck Every Walking Pussy Old Perv”. They drink the 750ml bottles of the cheapest local beer, 5kuai er gua tou, and watch the latest Hollywood DVD hits and secretly aspire to move to Shanghai because it’s soooo cooool. Afterwhich they write about the asskicking party on the blog and post numerous photos of their wild-n-crazy blast.
They also must not peruse the zillion other blogs about whacky foreigners in China because in the end, they all write about the SAME GODDAMNED STUFF!! They all think THEY are the trailblazers and no one has written about eating chicken necks or spitting or brain dead hourly workers or LOGIC in China before.
Neddy said
You beauty! Thanks for the read. Only I am at loss now how to work Hunxuer’s take into what you have written – not enough field experience here, I am afraid!
Let’s hope other commenters will join, and help create the Grand Unified Theory of Twathood (or whatever).
MyLaowai said
I think Hunxuer added to the theory. Think of it as an expansion pack.
BJD said
“frighteningly high tolerance of fucktardedness on the part of the local citizenry”
Yep, definitely found my new hangout.
HXR: what about eating the necks of brain-dead workers?
Neddy: Aww bless. You found a new home?
Rob said
You nailed it, the graph makes it perfect though. But don’t hold back, are you going to name the names? Granted it’ll start a bunfight, but it’s hilarious watching apologists try to wiggle out from under the mountains of total bullshit they spew.
Neddy said
Not sure, BJD, but I liked Sinocidal for good reading, and good company. The former is now gone, the latter is about to part. Bless them all, I’ll miss ‘them equal opportunity foulmouths’! Time to move on…
FOARP said
@Neddy – time to get the fuck out of the country you mean.
Yeah, the ‘we’re so genuine’ Beijing student/teacher set are a real pain in the arse, and by the way, since we’re speaking Chinese it should be ‘living in Hutong’ – Chinese has no plurals . . .
MyLaowai said
Not only do they not have plural, they also don’t have tense, prepositions, manners, or the ability to say a simple “yes” or “no”. I’ve also noticed that they find it very difficult to express negative adjectives about themselves, or positive adjectives about anyone else.
Isn’t it so delightfully fascinating, this ‘Culture’ thing?
FOARP said
@Mylaowai – Chinese must also have the lowest words/content ration of any language, or is it just that not having studied in some Beijing foreign student college and spent three years ruminating (i.e., masturbating) over a book of traditional Chinese characters I am not yet ready to grasp its true mysteries?
MyLaowai said
@FOARP:
(Word/Content)*(CivAge/Progress)+Manners = TrueCivWorth
Stranded Mariner said
Well, ‘Manners’ being the big negative in your formula, explains the result…