Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Are You Chinese?

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Are you Chinese? Just take this quick test to find out:

1. You look at a chicken, an animal that is 97.2% succulent meat, and all you can see are a few spine fragments and some claws. Mmmmm… Delicious!
+1 point

2. Read the following:
I was a terrorist who helped overthrow the legally elected government of my country. I then murdered or exiled my closest comrades and those who had helped me get to the top. I hold the title of Greatest Butcher in Human History, having killed more than 120 million people, more people than Hitler and Stalin combined – most of them citizens of my own country. I ordered the invasion of many neighbouring countries, annexed three of them, and ordered their populations massacred. I declared war on the United Nations, and tried to get nuclear weapons from the Russians because I actually wanted a nuclear war with the West. Who am I?
You have no idea who I am: +1 point
You know who I am, and think I’m great for kicking out the foreigners: +3 points
You can’t read: +1 point

3. How many of the following statements do you agree with?
* Cold beer gives you stomach cancer.
* Four legs good, two legs b er, The East is Red!
* Pregnant women shouldn’t watch TV, to avoid damaging their baby’s eyes.
* China has always been a peaceful nation.
+1 point per ‘yes’ answer

4. You know that China invented the following:
* the compass
* gunpowder
* the wheelbarrow
* concrete
* the Olympic Games
* mountains
* oxygen
* grass
+1 point per ‘yes’ answer

5. You can count to ten using the fingers of just one hand.
+1 point

6. How many of the following statements do you agree with?
* “[my hometown] is very developing fast and beautiful”
* “Chinese food is best delicious food in world”
* “One world, one dream”
* “Western media is not honest”
+1 point per ‘yes’ answer

7. Read the following passage:
Opium: an addictive drug grown by Chinese farmers, harvested and processed by Chinese workers, sold by Chinese Government officials to Chinese drug users, and exported by Chinese traders.
You read this, and immediately blame the British for the Opium Wars: +2 points

8. If it moves, you eat it. If it doesn’t move, you kick it until it moves.
+1 point

9. When asked to describe any animal or plant in the world, you start by saying how delicious it is. Then you run out of things to say.
+1 point

10. Geography Section. How many of the following are true?
* Africa is a country.
* Meiguo is the name of a country.
* China is the biggest country in the world.
* Himalaya is a biggest mountain in world.
* ‘Western’ is a country.
+1 point per ‘yes’ answer

How did you score?

0 points: Nope, you must be one of those no-good laowai we’ve been hearing about. HELLOOOO! Mind if I stare?

1-5 points: You’re not Chinese, but your mother and I are a little concerned. You could be a student.

6-10 point: No doubt you are a foreigner, but you probably think hutongs are cool places to live. Twat.

11-20 points: Borderline insanity at best, why not just shoot yourself now and send your family the bill for the bullet?

21+ You are Chinese. If you get to this part and you are still able to count higher without using your superfluous fingers and toes, congratulations. No doubt you will make a fine addition to the Fenqing Army. Why not go and eat a chicken claw and then beat your wife / husband to celebrate your cultural superiority?

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22 Responses to “Are You Chinese?”

  1. little monkey said

    I believe question #5 is not a good test since most Germans I know can do that, too, with slightly different hand signs.

  2. MyLaowai said

    That may very well be true. Then again, most Germans only have five fingers per hand.

    Just something to oonsider…

  3. I’m German, but the only way I could think of counting to ten with only one hand (before I learnt some Chinese) was to use one hand twice.
    If there is an original German way of doing it, please enlighten me about it, monkey. Having only five fingers per hand, makes counting-to-ten just the more skillful.

  4. little monkey said

    Come to think about it, I might have being fooled by those guys. When they showed me that (4 years ago so I don’t remember how they did it now), they were trying to tell the Chinese student in our group that the Germans can do that, too. Oh, well.

  5. justrecently said

    I guess in that kind of situation I would have made something up, too. Discussions with Chinese people tend to be pretty competitive in recent years. Anyway, we invented China.

  6. Meursault said

    Well hello there. I’m currently at rest within the warm bosom of my native constitutional monarchy: where the beer is warm, the weather is cold, and the police indifferent. That said, I thought I would drop by to see how things are going with you and I am pleased to see your output is still of the same high calibre. I do think the old page format was better though, but maybe I’m just a reactionary pig ranking just below landlord class in counter-revolutionarianismismism.
    I was also once told by someone in Beijing who I believe is technically known as “a cunt” that we shouldn’t say hutongs because there is no plural in the original Chinese, and thus the “s” is superflous. I stabbed him in the eye with sharpened split infinitive.

    • 0112337 said

      Meursault, I am guessing you are French? Isn’t this what the French do to foreigners or tourists on a regular basis? Correct their language?

  7. Neddy said

    Meursault,
    You have done well. I believe MyLaoway wrote “hutongs” on purpose. As for the page format, I must be a rightist, too: My first thought on seeing the change was that my (almost) spanking new Firefox 3.0 got “inr pissed”, or something!

  8. Hunxuer said

    After taking the test, I have determined that I am a “Jabba”. Now please allow me to waddle to my black Audi with my bitch bag tucked in my armpit…

  9. Disgusting American Hypocrite said

    I think the reason why you constantly run into shit in China is because you are shit, and you are drawn to scum and whores just like you are in your native countries.

    At least 95% of white people are ignorant, hypocritical parasites with no soul or any shred of humanity: history has proven this time and time again. The white race is a cancer.

    Therefore you will draw the attention of vultures, maggots, and little yappy dogs whenever you visit other countries as you are essentially a 220 pound steaming pile of human shit. Anyone with sense would avoid you like the plague.

  10. MyLaowai said

    “At least 95% of white people are ignorant, hypocritical parasites with no soul or any shred of humanity: history has proven this time and time again. The white race is a cancer.”

    Shenma?

    But you were right when you went on about the large number of “vultures, maggots, and little yappy dogs” I see here all the time.

    Have a nice day.

  11. Neddy said

    “I think the reason why you constantly run into shit in China is because you are shit”
    No, the real reason is that there actually *is* shit there. In fact, it’s a 4999 years worth of manure. That pile is difficult to miss, and so is the stink.
    BTW, how did you score in the test, Disgusting?

  12. Guess he is fetching his bitch bag too :)

  13. Disgusting American Hypocrite said

    But you were right when you went on about the large number of “vultures, maggots, and little yappy dogs” I see here all the time.

    This is probably because white pieces of shit gravitate towards other shitty subhumans like themselves. Kinda like how the Russians were drawn to Mao and Amerikkka was drawn to Mobuto Sese Seko, Papa Doc, Pinochet, and Shah Reza Pahlavi.

  14. stoogie said

    @mylaowai

    You are such a clown

    here comes a bit of traffic you are yarning for

    * Pregnant women shouldn’t watch TV, to avoid damaging their baby’s eyes.

    was this from you wife or your mother-in-law ?

  15. Neddy said

    Stoogie, if YOU were a clown, you would be unemployable. Is there anything you can do right?

  16. stoogie said

    Yes you are so bright for a change. That is why I’m a spectator.

    The white yank is dum diddy do then you must be dum diddy dum..

    Go ahead .. jump … make me laugh.

  17. FOARP said

    Dude, even with Chinese styles you still need two hands for ten, and I believe the plural of hutong is hutong or hutongr. Don’t you love the Olympics?

  18. MyLaowai said

    Happy happy everyday!~~~~~~~>< :)

  19. justrecently said

    The plural of hutong is hutongmen.

  20. […] – bookmarked by 6 members originally found by happyexpat on 2009-01-31 Are You Chinese? https://mylaowai.wordpress.com/2008/07/09/are-you-chinese/ – bookmarked by 1 members originally […]

  21. 0112337 said

    This is HILARIOUS. 8+9 are so true.

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