Are you a Man?
Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, January 8, 2009
1. If you are over 38, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven’t sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent way too much of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and other equally suspicious ‘exercises’. And you’re probably on the Oprah diet, or whatever it’s called. Faggot.
2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer – it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog: “Killer, come here! I said get your arse over here, Killer!” Now think about how you call a cat: “Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!” Jeeezus, you’re pitched, you’re so queer.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any other such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, cigarettes, pipes, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public toilet or a piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man’s world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you’re as camp as a row of tents. A straight man will never be heard ordering a ‘Decaf Soy Latte’. If you’ve put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you’ve had a man there too.
6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free arse passes. A real man doesn’t have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out ‘chartreuse’ or you know what a ‘fressier’ is, you’re gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a poofter.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel and you aren’t actually in a race, forget it: you’re dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to beep at a slow-arsed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.
8. If you hesitate to tell everyone on your email list that MyLaowai.com is your preferred blog, because you are afraid of hurting someone’s feelings, then you are definitely on the verge on being an arse puncher.