Which is Better?
Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, February 25, 2009
“In this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.”
Thus spoke Benjamin Franklin. A wise man, but a man whose vision failed to have the foresight to predict Walt Disney: a man whose cryogenically frozen husk continues to this day to cheat both the Grim Reaper and the Taxman.
To that list of inevitable certainties, Mr. Franklin should also have added being judged by others. And for a man who liked to spend most of his free time wearing tights and getting struck by lightning, this is something he should have known firsthand. No matter what we do in life, no matter how we choose to conduct ourselves, someone, somewhere, will always have something disapproving to say. Take last week for example: I was innocently forcing a glass coke bottle up my seven year old boyfriend’s arse in a public park, when some narrow minded idiot felt the need to come along and tut his disapproval. It wasn’t my fault that he preferred Pepsi to Coke, but how was I to know? Live and let live, that’s what I say.
That said, primarily because I’m deliberately slacking off from work today after my boss decided to cancel my pre-booked holiday, I’m about to pass judgement myself. For today I will ask that age-old question which man has been asking since the gnu:-
Which is better? Chinese Food or Actual Human Shit?
There are two ways of deciding. Evaluate the taste of the aforementioned items, and evaluate their nutritional value.
Taste: Actual Human Shit has been renowned for generations for its diversity and flavour-range. The watery mid-morning green splashes of a middle aged alcoholic Scotsman can be compared to the delightful and piquant aperitifs of Southern France; whilst the sturdier, solid, black poos of a Guinness based diet are ideal warm, comforting, family fillers in countries with colder climates. Little indigestible treats can also be found in most deposits, like sweetcorn nuggets and peanuts, which only add to the smorgasbord of flavours that can be found in most lavatories.
On the surface, Chinese food also appears to have an astonishing range of taste sensations, ranging from sweet, to sour, to sweet and sour. However, though menus in restaurants with names like Joy Luck Dragon House promise much, the constant onslaught of chicken, pork, noodles, dumplings, monkey brains and civet cats all surprisingly contain the same taste of greasiness and rottenness that can only normally be found in expired Brylcreem.
Safety: As Bruce Willis pointed out in Fast Food Nation: “We all have to eat some shit now and again.” You know where you stand with Actual Human Shit, as long as you don’t play with it and then touch your eyes you’ll probably be alright, and even if you do go blind, you probably don’t want to be looking at your excre-meal anyway. We eat the falling produce of chickens’ arses, so why not our own? Let’s face it; if you’ve ever eaten any form of vegetable or processed meat in your life, you’re probably a regular eater of Actual Human Shit already. However, the product may contain nuts, so those with peanut allergies should exercise caution.
It wouldn’t be just caution you’d have to exercise if you decided to eat Chinese food, but your right to be sectioned under the 1981 Mental Health Act too. As of the last check, eating Chinese food or food made in China can lead to SARS, Bird Flu, Sudan Red, melamine overdose, MSG induced cancer, mouth ulcers, baby death, malnutrition, diarrhoea, lead poisoning, salmonella, and the full alphabet of Hepatitii. Not only that, but eating Chinese food alongside actual Chinese people can even lead to manic depression, existential crises and brain melting. Quite frankly, you’d be better off eating arsenic.
So, it looks like a clear victory for Actual Human Shit over Chinese food. Alas, it is, however, a Pyrrhic Victory. You see, Actual Human Shit and Chinese food are intrinsically linked in a Lion King-esque circle of life. In order to produce the Actual Human Shit we want to eat, we must unfortunately consume Chinese food, which in turn contains Actual Human Shit. Thus, the cycle perpetuates for eternity. Interestingly, the same model can be used for Chinese political thought: we would all much rather read MyLaowai’s enlightened treatises on 21st century China, which in turn generates absolute bollocks from angry Chinese youths, who ironically provide the inspiration for more online bonmots.
I hope you’ve enjoyed this discussion on shit versus shovel. I’m off to cook myself a Brown Trout, have a great week.
– Meursault
Wo Shi Laowai - Wo Pa Shui 
Don Tai said
Good writing and very entertaining. I sense a very pissed off Laowai that’s had it up to the neck with Life in China. Like gas, it will pass. If your trip is prebooked and approved by your boss, then I would go.
rjeremy said
Excellent to read some of your writing again Meursault.
Qingdao’s warm beer and dysentery inducing dishes send their regards!
Macau Dave said
Wow, I knew I was doing something wrong in my culinary journey through China! The Portuguese here in Macau must have already discovered this, hence their dishes have some of that ol’ brown spice added in to increase palatability.
WangXingJongXianZhangDingDongPingPongChina said
Chinese are the most ridiculous and most stupid people on this planet. This is my conclusion after living over a decade among them. They can do nothing, they cannot create anything. they cannot move anything. they even don’t know how to LIVE. They don’t even know how to shit and to make food. Not to mention the fact that they even don’t know how to lie. They are not a smart race. Compare them with retarded little kids (no offence to retarded little kids: they are actually civilized compared to the common chinese in China), and you will be fine.
But they are the champions of making shit appearing as gold! Well..anyone who dares a closer look will clearly see the 10.0000 year old shit shining through the fake gold…rainbow colors with chinese characteristics…Oh i like to compare this ridiculos neandertal race as Lice in on your head. You can’t get rid of them by speaking nice words and in a civilized manner. The only way to get rid of them is to wash out your head with vinegar. Only once and they disappear. Lices are no dragons.
I live since 10 years in China (no…not in those expat palaces. I live among them and enjoy their hospitals and public shitting in front of my door!). Food in China is: Spicy, rotten, dirty, has the same taste + ingredients all over (except those DIFFERENT dog- and pig anus dishes that makes CHINA so DIFFERENT and SPECIAL from the rest of the world..) and contains stuff (chemicals, human and animal excrement etc.) that WILL and DOES shorten your life expectancy. Yes :-). No, there is no “Oh china is so big, every province has its own food; so special, everything blabla” -SHIT, heard by so many of your monkey chink friends and fuck sluts. Everywhere it is the same. Same taste. Same dirt. The same disgusting ingredients. Ask the chicken you just ate. How did he get such a bodybuilder breast? Did it enjoy to eat his own shit..and do YOU enjoy it now in your favourite chink restaurant? Bon appetit.
Oh wait: Those non-Han countries, those which are occupied by the most “advanced culture on this planet” (original quote by CCTV!) have indeed better food (for example: Xinjiang). Even so, Xianjiang didn’t invent hygiene, their food taste and looks better. But hey, this is a POSITIVE thing I just said about CHINA “cuisine”! Why? Xinjiang is CHINA! So food in Xinjia….ehhh…China is great! Just go to Urumqui….Also, the food in Taiwan is great CHINESE food. See?`CHINA has great food. Enjoy it in Tibet, Xinjiang and Taiwan!
One world. One dream.