Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

The miracle of… Wait a minute!

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Having babies – what’s so fucking special about it? Women are forever bleating on and on about how they are better than men because only they can drop a litter of rug-rats, and how this somehow endows them with the ability to create a more compassionate world, and blah de fucking blah. Big whoops I say: come back and talk to me when you have had the experience of receiving a blow job whilst driving your Aston through a built-up area at high speed.

But oh no, we have to treat women ‘special’. And in China they take this to extremes. This probably does not surprise you; it doesn’t surprise me. Very few things possess the power to surprise me any more, except perhaps the (frankly ludicrous) suggestion that someone in China might actually exhibit some fragment of humanity for once in their useless life – but I digress.

Women are ‘special’ in China. Well, retarded kids are ‘special’ where I come from, and there are many similarities between the two groups. Pregnant women are the most ‘special’ of all, of course. You can’t fire their lazy asses, you’re not supposed to beat them as often as the unimpregnated ones, they get paid time off to drop their hatchlings, etcetera etcetera. But this is just the ordinary sort of nonsense we put up with in the West. In China, they don’t watch television, in case it damages the unborn bastards’ eyes. She can’t sit on a crooked mat, or look at bright colours, or have an unharmonious discussion. Food must be properly cut before she eats it, and she can’t eat anything cold, because that leads to arthritis. She doesn’t have sex, of course, but that’s hardly a surprise – after getting a larva on the way, what possible reason could she have for wanting sex ever again?

Best of all, though, is that she gets to wear a lead-lined vest. I’m not making this stuff up folks: Chinese women carrying a codling wear lead-lined vests, a bit like one of those dictators in low-rent countries that you only hear about in the news when we invade them. Apparently, this is to protect the unborn scrag from the dangers of intense radiation given off by photocopiers, computer monitors, fluorescent lights, and in fact anything remotely related to doing her fucking job properly. It probably won’t stop a bullet though, and it won’t help much when she gets pushed down the stairs.

I have a mate here whose wifey-pops is preggers. He’s a good mate, and he reads this blog, so I’m going to be nice about his wife. She won’t go to a hotpot restaurant if it uses induction heating for the food, because of the intense radiation – Sweet Jesus the Jew! So, I’m going to be nice about his wife, but – Holy Fucking Moly! Let’s just hear that one again, shall we:

She won’t go to a hotpot restaurant if it uses induction heating for the food, because of the intense radiation.

What the fuck? I mean, just what the fuck? I’ll ignore for the moment that induction heating is one of the most common forms of cooking in the world, is used in millions of industrial applications, and has been with us since the early 1900’s. This just makes no sense at… all… oh wait. I get it. She’s got a bun in the oven, so suddenly she’s fucking ‘special’. Somehow she suddenly possesses the wisdom of the ancients, as does her mother probably, and every other fucking Chinese woman in the world. Oh no, it isn’t superstitious twaddle or the delusional rantings of a crazed mind, not when it is coming from the gob of a pregnant woman.

Personally, I would not tolerate that shit in my house for one fucking minute. Mrs MyLaowai had better not even think of trying that shit on with me, unless she has plans to be the next Mrs I-Just-Got-My-Ass-Beaten-Up. But hey, I’m a sensitive guy: I also give my workers an additional twenty minutes to have their little polliwogs, before they are required to be back on the production line.

I’m sure that somewhere here there is a moral for you to take away, but quite frankly I’m too disgusted to bother trying to find it. Perhaps it’s just: don’t impregnate a Chinese bird. Hell, don’t bother with them at all, by-and-large. And anyway, all babies look like Chairman Mao – fat, ugly, and always shitting everywhere. Why bother? Nope, if you insist on buying yourself a Chinese girlfriend or wife (and make no mistake about it, it is a financial transaction first and foremost, with a no-money-back guarantee), then for the love of all that you hold dear (beer, cars, guns, and sport), do not under any circumstances allow her to become infected with a baby.

Unless she is ‘special’, of course.

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17 Responses to “The miracle of… Wait a minute!”

  1. Bill said

    I for one think you are being a little harsh. All of the things you choose to call folly or poke fun at were garnered from millions of years of evolution that has made the people of China the sparkling members of civilization that they are today.

    One need only gape in awe at the voluptuous builds of the local women and imposing figures of the ‘men’ who tote their Grucci bags for them to see just how far those ancient Chinese secrets and wisdom has gotten them…..

    I will reblog this post, however, as I find the use of Fuck inspiring and maybe, just maybe there will be a jilted soul out there who finds solace in your words….

    • Long Long Time Been Here said

      “One need only gape in awe at the voluptuous builds of the local women and imposing figures of the ‘men’ who tote their Grucci bags for them to see just how far those ancient Chinese secrets and wisdom has gotten them…..”

      I’m a little confused with this statement, define “voluptuous builds”, I’m assuming it doesn’t involve ass and breasts..

      • Bill said

        Yeah, nor does it imply curvature of any sort on the part of the woman and muscles on the ‘andro-men’. I think you can feel the sentiment of my comment.

  2. Hans Dampf said

    Once again…. so you have an Aston? :D

  3. Hans Dampf said

    on a second note, good to see you posting regularly again!

  4. Winnie said

    I can’t believe you could writing something so fucking ignorant and offensive. You accuse the Chinese for lacking humanity? What about yourself?

    Unsubscribing, because I don’t think I can tolerate your racism, sexism, and narrow-mindedness.

    • justrecently said

      Unsubscribing, because I don’t think I can tolerate your racism, sexism, and narrow-mindedness.

      May I nominate this line (and its countless variations all over the internet) as the most meaningless one on the global blogosphere? People may follow through on “I’ll change my life by 180 degrees from today, noon”, or “I’m going to hang myself tonight” (which may count as another 180-degrees change), but not on “I’ll never read here again”.

  5. Nips Are Great said

    Jesusfuck tell me about it.

    And I’m glad you included something about the fucking mother.

    My mother-in-law hung around ’cause my wife portrayed herself as too fucking incapable to do anything. And what a fucking monster she was. Thankfully she’s dead now. At the time she was on her third fucking marriage, yes, 60+ and on her third marriage. There was obviously good reason for that. Nobody really cried at her funeral except for the obligatory crocodile tears. Really her funeral was more an acting session than anything else, chinks, they’re so fucked up.

    Well the old Red Guard Bitch hung around our place while my wife was pregnant and it was then I started drinking seriously.

    I took my wife the hell out of the country because I didn’t trust the local monkeys dressed up in lab coats calling themselves doctors to manage birthing my child without fucking-up. It also gave me relief from the bitch-in-law who really didn’t do anything except make a big fucking greasy mess in the kitchen, burp and fart at the table, and sew little clothes together from rags she used to use for her monthly.

    I keep my child away from the in-laws as much as possible. They’re a dreadfully unhealthy influence. From the words of a child, my child, “Daddy, Chinese people act better when foreigners are around.” Perfect.

    And every time I see a pregnant local the only thing that goes through my head is, ‘Just what the world doesn’t need, another fucking chink.’

    Cheers!

  6. Samuel said

    Fucking hilarious! :D I love reading these, entertaining and honest descriptions of the world we live in :)

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  9. ZHONGGUO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! said

    stupid foreigner!you tell the lie!!! CHINA is most civilization in world! Hate you, stupid foreigner! We are fine highest people culture of all world of all times is CHINA! and superpower now! you respect now and dieeeeeeeee!!! you low foreigner! beat you very hard and you learn culture and education you low ugly foreign dog! chinese people kind and harmonious high culture and innovate all things you use now and steal you stupid foreigners! highers the sciencest and education and best powers smart race country in WORLD and best Handsomes and STRONG THAN WHITE DOGS!!!!!!!!!!! we the beauty in world and best race purest race blood of world to rule world.we clean manners civilizations and you slave now to CHINA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CHINA NUMBER ONE RACE AND MASTER OF WORLD AND SPACE NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!WORLD BELONG TO CHINA! ALL BELONG TO US WE DESERVE BECAUSE Stromng race and smart!!!!!!!!!! THE STRONG AND INNOVATE HIGH CULTURE! AND YOU WILL DIE AND SLAVE TOI CHINA WHITE DOGS! WE MASTER! YOU LOSER LIAR FUCK LOW WAIGUOREN! YOU NO CULTURE; DOGS!

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