Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

Why come to China?

A fucking good question, one pondered quickly and accurately by most laowai as “No why. No come.” (translated for the benefit of our darling, slanty-eyed friends  who insist that Chinglish is a valid language. I’d hate to leave them out of this, seeing as they constantly pester me for this answer.)

Of course, we all have our diplomatic answers. That is, we (the round-eyed big-nosed etc FOREIGNERS) have learnt, rapidly, that you bow-legged buck-teethed freaks couldn’t lie straight in bed if you were clamped in an iron maiden! So we, follow suit.

To cut to the chase, my puerile prepubescent peasants, and for once, I will forgo hyperbole and other forms of misdirection, this is the simple god’s own truth of why I came to China.

I fell in love with an American girl on WoW. She was so damaged goods, but after a lifetime of nurture (foreign concept, ask a local laowai) she was actually way cool. She died of cancer literally the week before my arrival. A real bitch. No, not her, the story, Jesus.

So, I was at an all time low. Chinese chick offered to pay my plane fare, outstanding bills (yeah, that second divorce was a real bitch, she was paid, but I had a few small bills left outstanding in my name at that point in time, about 2 months salary here, or two weeks salary back in homeland…), get me a job etc. All for one transaction.

Now here is where you Chinese girls can have a knowing chuckle, and you Chinese guys can sit down, have another goddam drink, and listen up.

After 42 years of life, she just wanted her first orgasm.

Highly educated, she had heard about these O things. Oh, she had tried, not only with her husband, but after 4 sexless years with him, a few other sex partners as well. She knew, physically, what had to be done. She is, after all, a PE professor chicky babe. You know, Grey’s Anatomy can be quoted direct? Anyway…

I am not bragging folks, just simple goddamn reality. Arrived on the plane (15 hours non-stop thanks, hardly conducive to maximum performance), we found a suitable 4 star hotel to her tastes, and… her lifetime dream achieved.

Now, to brag, but truthfully, and you foreign bastards can also sigh and weep, she, and a couple of girls since, experienced the “blow and still go”. As a PE professor, she was literally applauding. The other few since, had no idea that they were getting the impossible (& wet) dream. Yeah guys, drop your load and don’t stop. THEN, think about leaving a comment. Gotta love her line though my dear Laowai : “You are a special man!” x lots. Yep, she really knew and loved every fucking second of it. She’ll not get it again. She’ll never forget those times and the completely crap way she ended up treating me… But that’s one of those stories for another time and place. Like most Chinese agree, Laowai appear under the level of Chinese dog. See many articles here for supporting arguments.

Why do choose to stay here? Well, that’s another answer, for another time, and certainly after I take care of this 18yr old I am rejuvenating from. No blow and go for her, she’s too tight, it even hurts me.

– DaBizarre