Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

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Archive for the ‘Sex Sex Sex’ Category

Love You Long Time, GI

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, March 27, 2013

It may come as a bit of a surprise to some of you, that we here at Team MyLaowai receive on a daily basis emails from girls wanting to meet us. Now, on the surface this may seem strange, as none of us really like China very much and very few of us actually want anything to do with Chinese people, and we are fairly clear on this. But the simple fact is that even someone who doesn’t want to know you and who despises your culture with a deep and abiding passion, is a better choice than a Chinese bloke. That’s just a fact. Some of these girls are probably gold-diggers and some are looking to get the magic passport of any other country, but I reckon that the vast majority are probably normal, ordinary girls.

Now then girls, I can’t speak for everyone at Team MyLaowai, but speaking personally I have to say that your chances are not great. To start with, Mrs MyLaowai would not be very impressed if I were to park the Aston at your place overnight, if you get my meaning. In fact, she would probably be tempted to do nasty things involving a pair of secateurs and quite frankly I don’t fancy the thought of spending the remainder of my life in the style of John Bobbit. But because you do still keep writing, and because I can’t get into trouble by reading your emails or looking at your pictures, allow me please to give you a few tips.

1. Don’t send me pictures of yourself eating. I don’t want that horrible thought in my head. I have enough horrible thoughts there already. I know you eat, I know everyone eats, but unlike you I don’t find the thought of constantly eating some disgusting muck very appealing, and you are not turning me on with it. Please stop.

2. I can tell the difference between a face that is clean, and one that has a quarter-inch of makeup plastered over it. You’re not fooling anyone with that. If your face has all kinds of growths and birthmarks and disgusting boils and bad acne, so be it. It’s at least honest to show that, instead of hiding it under builder’s plaster.

3. I am not impressed with your iPhone or Louis Vuitton handbag or whatever other piece of fashionable crap you want to show off. I just really don’t give a shit. If you want to show me something that might impress me, then show me your tits if you have any worth looking at.

4. Please, please don’t tell me you are “God-fearing”. To start with, I don’t live in the Philippines and you do, and that would pose logistics problems if nothing else. Secondly, saying you are God-fearing is like me saying that I am mango-fearing, the only difference being that at least mangos do actually exist. If you want to live in La-La Land with your psychotic and delusional fantasies about a mythical Man in the Sky whom you are afraid of, then please keep it to yourself. I am not interested, because I have a brain.

5. Saying that you are “wait me” doesn’t actually mean anything in English. I do appreciate that English is your second language, but in this wonderful age of MS Office, you can do a spelling and grammar check without twisting yourself into contortions, so bloody well do so.

6. So, you are a ‘Traditional Chinese Woman’, are you? That merely means you take it up the Hershey Highway so you can keep your virginity intact. That’s about it, really.

7. Interested in marriage? Great. I’m not. Marriage is something to flee from at high speed. I don’t want to marry you, or meet your family, or have your relatives anywhere near me. I will not visit them at Spring Festival and I don’t give a flying fuck if they need to go to hospital and are short of money. I’m not interested in making babies with you. These are just some of the things that I don’t want, but you get the point.

8. If I was a single chap, I might possibly be interested in meeting for a drink, and maybe you could even offer to buy me one. If that went well, maybe we could date for a while. If that went well, we might end up living together. And then who knows what the future might hold? But I’m not single, and I don’t play the field. One woman is already more bother than I need in my life, and the trouble caused by women is equal to the square of the number of women in a man’s life.

9. I might have hinted subtly at this previously, but I want to be clear: you really do need to show me your tits. This is the main thing, really.

10. There is no point 10. I was going to write a point 10, but now I am distracted by a picture of a girl with no makeup and decent tits who doesn’t have an iPhone or a LV bag, and who isn’t shovelling gruel into her maw. The picture is of Mrs MyLaowai, and she is the gatekeeper. Basically, if you can get past her, you have a chance. Good luck with that, and keep sending me pictures of your tits. Thank you.

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Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Sex Sex Sex, Zhang Ziyi | 44 Comments »

Sex Trip to China? Forewarned is Forearmed

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Guest-Post-Xmas

Hi, single foreign boys and men coming to China. Some simple rules:

1) Yes, you will get lied to. Hourly.

2) Tell them you have no money, house or car. Bye-bye gold-digging whores. So many of them.

3) Tell them you never plan on leaving China. Winnowing the escape artists. So many of them.

4) Survive these, then ask them “And what do your parents think of this?

And if you make it through all of this (down to about 0.001% of available females by now)…

5) 2 out of 3 new AIDS infections in China come from heterosexual sex…

Your brother in legs…

– DaBizzare

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Guest Post, Sex Sex Sex | 9 Comments »

Lei Feng and Mistress Day

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, March 5, 2012

Today is Lei Feng Day. Normally we here at MLHQ celebrate this day by offering a patriotic tribute to China’s only superhero (here, here, here and here), but let’s face it: Lei Feng the Hero is about as plausible as the Gingerbread Man. I mean, a spotty gobshite who was so hated by his fellows that they wrapped him in barbed wire and drove a truck over him twice? A so-called ‘revolutionary screw’ whose greatest claim to fame was that he washed some socks? Puhlease.

Let us, therefore, turn to a much more realistic celebration of Chinese ‘culture’: Mistress Day.

Mistress Day, celebrated every March 3rd throughout the Celestial Empire, is the day upon which Chinese people secretly celebrate their love of bigamy and deceit. It’s a real, actual, genuine Day. The China Mistress Association regularly invites married men and women (not to mention their key demographic) to attend festivals throughout the nation. Discussion topics include such things as: “how to get my man to come to my place every day“, “how much does your man give to you every month?” and “when will he buy me a house and car?“.

I am sooo not making this stuff up. Most Chinese men have mistresses, most Chinese women are taking dictation from their ‘English teacher‘, and a recent study carried out in Beijing hospitals found that over half the babies born there were not the loin-spawn of their mother’s husband. A 2007 government survey found that over 90% of provincial-level officials convicted of graft in the previous five years had mistresses. The dictator Mao Zedong himself had an entire army regiment (consisting entirely of young women) set up to keep his knob polished – not that that stopped him from punching the stars of a number of young boys.

Mistress Day? Now that’s what Chinese culture is really about.

Posted in Festivals et al, Sex Sex Sex | 4 Comments »

Children’s Corner

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Chinese Schoolgirls: what’s not to like? Knee socks, short skirts, and the ones who can run faster than their uncles are still virgins!

Mind you, there’s a lot of competition these days – schoolgirls are amongst the most sought-after of all girls in China, with businessmen, Party officials and the generally well-to-do all paying top dollar for them. Not that the schoolgirls see the money, mind you, because it almost invariably goes to the parents. Well, that’s fair enough I guess: it goes part-way towards making up for the disappointment of not having a boy child.

Of course, you don’t have to be rich to hire a schoolgirl. Oh no. Almost every middle- and high-school in China has a whack-shack located within fifty yards of the main gate, which is ideal when you understand that the schools supply both the employees and the customers. Not sure where to go? No problems – just follow the headmaster at lunchtime and he’ll lead you straight there.

So, here’s to schoolgirls. May they never lose their charm nor have their knee socks slip below their panties. And in the spirit of this tribute, I present you with a colouring-in competition (hint: the scarf is red):

First Prize: one week’s holiday in Hunan.
Second Prize: two week’s holiday in Hunan.
Judge’s decision is final, no correspondence will be entered into unless we can be arsed.

Posted in Pornography, Sex Sex Sex, Zhang Ziyi | 9 Comments »

The miracle of… Wait a minute!

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Having babies – what’s so fucking special about it? Women are forever bleating on and on about how they are better than men because only they can drop a litter of rug-rats, and how this somehow endows them with the ability to create a more compassionate world, and blah de fucking blah. Big whoops I say: come back and talk to me when you have had the experience of receiving a blow job whilst driving your Aston through a built-up area at high speed.

But oh no, we have to treat women ‘special’. And in China they take this to extremes. This probably does not surprise you; it doesn’t surprise me. Very few things possess the power to surprise me any more, except perhaps the (frankly ludicrous) suggestion that someone in China might actually exhibit some fragment of humanity for once in their useless life – but I digress.

Women are ‘special’ in China. Well, retarded kids are ‘special’ where I come from, and there are many similarities between the two groups. Pregnant women are the most ‘special’ of all, of course. You can’t fire their lazy asses, you’re not supposed to beat them as often as the unimpregnated ones, they get paid time off to drop their hatchlings, etcetera etcetera. But this is just the ordinary sort of nonsense we put up with in the West. In China, they don’t watch television, in case it damages the unborn bastards’ eyes. She can’t sit on a crooked mat, or look at bright colours, or have an unharmonious discussion. Food must be properly cut before she eats it, and she can’t eat anything cold, because that leads to arthritis. She doesn’t have sex, of course, but that’s hardly a surprise – after getting a larva on the way, what possible reason could she have for wanting sex ever again?

Best of all, though, is that she gets to wear a lead-lined vest. I’m not making this stuff up folks: Chinese women carrying a codling wear lead-lined vests, a bit like one of those dictators in low-rent countries that you only hear about in the news when we invade them. Apparently, this is to protect the unborn scrag from the dangers of intense radiation given off by photocopiers, computer monitors, fluorescent lights, and in fact anything remotely related to doing her fucking job properly. It probably won’t stop a bullet though, and it won’t help much when she gets pushed down the stairs.

I have a mate here whose wifey-pops is preggers. He’s a good mate, and he reads this blog, so I’m going to be nice about his wife. She won’t go to a hotpot restaurant if it uses induction heating for the food, because of the intense radiation – Sweet Jesus the Jew! So, I’m going to be nice about his wife, but – Holy Fucking Moly! Let’s just hear that one again, shall we:

She won’t go to a hotpot restaurant if it uses induction heating for the food, because of the intense radiation.

What the fuck? I mean, just what the fuck? I’ll ignore for the moment that induction heating is one of the most common forms of cooking in the world, is used in millions of industrial applications, and has been with us since the early 1900’s. This just makes no sense at… all… oh wait. I get it. She’s got a bun in the oven, so suddenly she’s fucking ‘special’. Somehow she suddenly possesses the wisdom of the ancients, as does her mother probably, and every other fucking Chinese woman in the world. Oh no, it isn’t superstitious twaddle or the delusional rantings of a crazed mind, not when it is coming from the gob of a pregnant woman.

Personally, I would not tolerate that shit in my house for one fucking minute. Mrs MyLaowai had better not even think of trying that shit on with me, unless she has plans to be the next Mrs I-Just-Got-My-Ass-Beaten-Up. But hey, I’m a sensitive guy: I also give my workers an additional twenty minutes to have their little polliwogs, before they are required to be back on the production line.

I’m sure that somewhere here there is a moral for you to take away, but quite frankly I’m too disgusted to bother trying to find it. Perhaps it’s just: don’t impregnate a Chinese bird. Hell, don’t bother with them at all, by-and-large. And anyway, all babies look like Chairman Mao – fat, ugly, and always shitting everywhere. Why bother? Nope, if you insist on buying yourself a Chinese girlfriend or wife (and make no mistake about it, it is a financial transaction first and foremost, with a no-money-back guarantee), then for the love of all that you hold dear (beer, cars, guns, and sport), do not under any circumstances allow her to become infected with a baby.

Unless she is ‘special’, of course.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Food, Rules of the Road, Sex Sex Sex | 17 Comments »

Why Come To China?

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Why come to China?

A fucking good question, one pondered quickly and accurately by most laowai as “No why. No come.” (translated for the benefit of our darling, slanty-eyed friends  who insist that Chinglish is a valid language. I’d hate to leave them out of this, seeing as they constantly pester me for this answer.)

Of course, we all have our diplomatic answers. That is, we (the round-eyed big-nosed etc FOREIGNERS) have learnt, rapidly, that you bow-legged buck-teethed freaks couldn’t lie straight in bed if you were clamped in an iron maiden! So we, follow suit.

To cut to the chase, my puerile prepubescent peasants, and for once, I will forgo hyperbole and other forms of misdirection, this is the simple god’s own truth of why I came to China.

I fell in love with an American girl on WoW. She was so damaged goods, but after a lifetime of nurture (foreign concept, ask a local laowai) she was actually way cool. She died of cancer literally the week before my arrival. A real bitch. No, not her, the story, Jesus.

So, I was at an all time low. Chinese chick offered to pay my plane fare, outstanding bills (yeah, that second divorce was a real bitch, she was paid, but I had a few small bills left outstanding in my name at that point in time, about 2 months salary here, or two weeks salary back in homeland…), get me a job etc. All for one transaction.

Now here is where you Chinese girls can have a knowing chuckle, and you Chinese guys can sit down, have another goddam drink, and listen up.

After 42 years of life, she just wanted her first orgasm.

Highly educated, she had heard about these O things. Oh, she had tried, not only with her husband, but after 4 sexless years with him, a few other sex partners as well. She knew, physically, what had to be done. She is, after all, a PE professor chicky babe. You know, Grey’s Anatomy can be quoted direct? Anyway…

I am not bragging folks, just simple goddamn reality. Arrived on the plane (15 hours non-stop thanks, hardly conducive to maximum performance), we found a suitable 4 star hotel to her tastes, and… her lifetime dream achieved.

Now, to brag, but truthfully, and you foreign bastards can also sigh and weep, she, and a couple of girls since, experienced the “blow and still go”. As a PE professor, she was literally applauding. The other few since, had no idea that they were getting the impossible (& wet) dream. Yeah guys, drop your load and don’t stop. THEN, think about leaving a comment. Gotta love her line though my dear Laowai : “You are a special man!” x lots. Yep, she really knew and loved every fucking second of it. She’ll not get it again. She’ll never forget those times and the completely crap way she ended up treating me… But that’s one of those stories for another time and place. Like most Chinese agree, Laowai appear under the level of Chinese dog. See many articles here for supporting arguments.

Why do choose to stay here? Well, that’s another answer, for another time, and certainly after I take care of this 18yr old I am rejuvenating from. No blow and go for her, she’s too tight, it even hurts me.

– DaBizarre

Posted in Guest Post, Sex Sex Sex | Leave a Comment »

Wang Bei Snuffs It.

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, November 29, 2010

Guest Post

Wang Bei, 24, a former contestant on Super Girl, China’s version of American Idol, died on November 15th during “facial bone-grinding surgery” in Wuhan. Official reports cite an “anaesthetic accident” as the cause: “Wang’s jaw suddenly started bleeding during the procedure, blocking her windpipe and causing her to suffocate.”

Yeah right, do you believe this? I didn’t, so with my usual apathy and luck-lustre approach, I began ringing my contacts at her hospital. Chinese nurses are very obliging, especially when they know you have photos of them with you in the KTV where they worked during their training.

Lead Surgeon, Wang Hung Lo, couldn’t resist his natural impulses after he heard that the reason for her surgery was to increase her mandibular extension so she could please foreign judges as much as their Chinese counterparts. He had to sample it for himself whilst she was unconscious, an act routinely performed in KTV’s across the country nightly. Unfortunately, he choked her, the anaesthetic having shrunken her thorax. He can be found at his usual job of janitor at the local bathhouse. He regularly moonlights as a plastic surgeon.

“It’s just like taking out the trash”, he said when I interviewed him. “You peel the skin back like removing the bin liner from a soggy waste basket, then scrape on the bone just the same as scraping week old phlegm off the sides of the bin. Easy work. I get my mum to stitch them up afterwards, she is famous for her embroidery.”

However, the real tragedy is that I had advised her to not worry about the mouth, a tight fit is a good fit, but rather she should get a boob job, as, like the vast majority of Asian women, she was as flat as an airport runway. You can ignore my advice, but be aware there will be consequences.

– DaBizzare.

Wang Bei
Wang Bei. China’s Superbint.

Posted in Guest Post, Newsflash, Sex Sex Sex | 8 Comments »

Ode to the New China Man

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, September 24, 2009

You may have wondered why things have been so quiet around here. Wonder no longer, schmucks! Great artists require peace and quiet in which to perform their wondrous feats of magnificence, and Team MyLaowai, being more wondrous than most, have been nose to the grindstone crafting this post. What, you think writing an award-winning blog is easy?

This is in honour of our dear friends Stoogie, MyFenwai, and all the other patriotic New China Men who flock to this blog in droves (Tianya Anti-Foreign Forum is a source of many, many hits – thanks, Stats Page!).

***

Please do bear in mind that this is copyrighted material, so don’t illegally download it or anything. If you want a copy, write to me at MyLaowai@gmail.com and I will tell you where you can go. To buy a copy, that is.

If this doesn’t play for you, that means you are in China. I’m sorry. Really.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Sex Sex Sex | 3 Comments »

HOT or NOT (by a long shot)

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, April 20, 2009

What is it with women? They get on these dating sites, or marriage agencies, or street corners, and flog their wares, so to speak. I’m okay with that. But then they start with the “I not a typical gal” or “I’m only here becoz my frend put my profile up” or “blah blah blah boring boring blah boring tedious blah so if ur interested msg me”.

Honestly – and I do mean honestly – if that’s the best you can do, don’t bother. We men don’t care.

And don’t even get me started on Microsoft English-educated bitches who write in some kind of code involving obscure and language-defying tongues, interspersed with “LOL” and “hehe”.

Now, don’t get me wrong: I already have a special someone to fill my otherwise wonderful life with pain and suffering. I’m not looking to replace the daily terror of Mrs MyLaowai with that of an entirely new and unknown species of poisonous snake, not at all. But window shopping is an ancient tradition, practised by all men with functional sacks since time immemorial, and you girls are there for precisely that purpose.

So do yourselves a favour: A little more tit, and a little less lip. Please.

MyLaowai is, however, an organisation dedicated to Peace, Harmoniousness, Self Improvement, and Equality, and as such, is offering up guidance and advice for those poor and misguided wretches who believe that their personality actually matters.

HOT or NOT (by a long shot). Part 1 in a potentially endless series…

i'm simple woman looking for simple guy and simple life..........

i'm simple woman looking for simple guy and simple life..........

MyLaowai advises:
A simple woman looking for a simple life? Explain the Fuck-Me Boots then. You’re no more looking for a simple life than your average Czechoslovakian plumber is looking for a nice glass of Châteauneuf-du-Pape whilst visiting the local hospoda. And do you normally sit around showing your admittedly long legs on garden walls all day long? If so, you’re well overdue to find a job, my dear. One that involves working would be my advice. Yes, you are attractive, but wouldn’t you get more satisfaction out of life if you educated yourself to a level at which you were able to capitalise sentences and knew the correct usage of the indefinite article? Lady, give it up now, while you still have a chance. Don’t live with self-hate and regret, existing only to count the profits of your latest illicit tryst. Go on, change your life now. There is still time.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Sex Sex Sex | 18 Comments »

Gratuitous Sex and Music Interlude

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, November 3, 2007

Posted in Sex Sex Sex | Tagged: , , | 3 Comments »