Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Flies, and more damned flies.

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, July 22, 2011

Downstairs, near the entrance to my building, there is a pile of stinking, rotting, filthy garbage. Sometimes it opens the gate but usually it just sits there, sleeping, although it generally stirs thrice a day to eat a bowl of rice. Now, quite honestly I don’t care whether the gate guard is sleeping or not, because I’ve yet to meet any ‘worker’ in China who works at all, and in some cases the more they sleep the less harm they cause. But, now that summer is here, they do start to pong a bit. And this is a problem, because they attract that most accursed of Nature’s creations: the housefly.

Obviously, there are solutions. But with inflation in China running at 15-20% pectin is becoming expensive – my Jamboy is now costing me nearly a dollar a week! Plus I’ve had to make a second one to keep the flies off the Aston. However did they manage in the old days, I wonder?

Bloody flies. I hate them. But the simple fact is that the locals attract them, and there’s nothing to be done about it except pray for nuclear war. Which I do. Every day, in fact. But enough chit-chat about my eternal optimism, today’s essay concerns flies.

It’s a little-known but obviously true fact that the housefly is, in actual fact, a reincarnated Chinese. That’s right, Johnny Wang risen from the dead to plague us foreigners in yet another of his accursed guises. Don’t believe me? Then check out this scientific evidence:

You see what I mean? And it explains the constant buzzing as well as the the risk of disease. Oh, sure, some of you will say that reincarnation is a myth dreamed up by fools and buffoons and that it is merely the by-product of a disturbed religious mind, but that doesn’t alter the fact that it’s true, does it? I’ve watched those detect-a-ghost shows on the Discovery Channel, you know, and my standards of evidence are far more exacting.

This is why, when I go out, I take a can of anti-local disinfectant with me. It’s my own special recipe, containing a mixture of DDT, lead arsenate, blitz-fog, and Zyklon-B. It’s doesn’t actually affect the locals in any way, shape, or form, because when compared with the air, food and water, it’s really more of a mild nuisance than a cure, but when used in conjunction with the large walking stick I carry it can sometimes be effective in keeping them at a distance. And it does keep the reincarnated ones from getting too comfortable.

I hope this has been of some small benefit to you. After all, I am here to help. And now, I’m off to beat a coolie and fix myself a Gin & Tonic…

9 Responses to “Flies, and more damned flies.”

  1. Nips Are Great said

    Love your graph.

    I need a wife like the one in the second pic.

  2. Long Long Time Been Here said

    Is the anti-local disinfectant available in the webstore and how much will it be? I want to pre-order 10,000 spray tins for the next 2 weeks worth of disinfecting.

    • MyLaowai said

      Unfortunately, Chinese Customs will not allow the importation of this spray, much as they also do not allow one to import a tin of Freedom, or a can of Clean Air, or a packet of Justice. Which I why I produce it myself in the MLHQ Secret Bunker.

  3. Long Long Time Been Here said

    I sure hope you are using live specimens for the experimentation process, I won’t accept any substandard products that don’t get the job done properly or at all. Will there be any boxes of dissent in the product line?

  4. wtdevflnt said

    You must have been tired while writing so I’ve taken the liberty of editing the initial part of your post.
    “China , near many civilized countries is filled with piles of stinking, rotting, filthy garbage….”
    No charge this time…..

  5. Hans Dampf said

    try pure clean water on the locals, works WONDERS!

    • MyLaowai said

      Ha ha nice try mate. Only two problems:

      1. Pure, clean water is not available in the Land of the Long Gray Cloud

      2. At the first sign of moisture, Chinese people put plastic bags over their head, feet, hands, and any exposed skin.

      Upon reflection, I instead suggest 60 grains of hot, soft lead between the eyes. As a warning shot, of course.

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