Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

A fairy tale with harmonious Chinese characteristics, approved by the Self-Centred Cunts Committed Pricks.

Once upon a time, in a land far far away in the East, lived a KTV princess, married to a fat, rich, dickless businessman. She lived in a huge castle, over 120 squares in size. One winter’s day, when the snow was falling through the pollution like the shed skin from an epileptic leper, she was sewing a new pair of hungry shorts at her window, overlooking the open sewers and the beautiful multi-colored landscape of assorted discarded rubbish and excreta. The rooves she overlooked were of black tile, and as she was sewing she pricked her finger with her sewing needle, which was about the size of the dicks of the men she serviced daily. Three drops of blood fell into the snow, and the sight of fresh blood excited her. She thought to herself, “If only I had a child as white as snow, as red as blood, and as black as the rooves below.”

Soon afterwards, in accordance with State Approved Family Planning Laws, and mainly because the condoms her clients used were of Chinese Well Known Famous Brand Quality, she had a baby, whose skin was as white as snow, hair was as black as night during the frequent power outages and lips were as red as the goddamn cracker litter left everywhere everyday. They called her Little Snow White. The KTV princess then died of AIDS, see above regarding condom quality.

Within a year, the fat, rich, dickless businessman made another of his many mistresses his wife. She was a beautiful woman, but she was proud and arrogant, and she could not stand it if anyone might surpass her in beauty. She had a magic mirror called Weixin. Every morning she took a selfie before it, looked at herself, and said:

Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
Who in this land is fairest of all?

To this the mirror answered:

You, my ho, are fairest of all.

Then she was satisfied, for she knew that the mirror spoke the truth.

Snow-White grew up and became ever more beautiful. Everyday she carried an umbrella to avoid changing a single pantone shade, even though the air was so polluted she couldn’t have tanned if she tried. When she was seven years old she was as beautiful as the light of day when in another country where the sun is visible, even more beautiful than the KTV princess herself. She was in huge demand at the local government offices at lunchtime.

One day, when the queen asked her question of Weixin, the mirror answered:

You, my ho, are fair; it is true.
But Snow-White is a thousand times fairer than you.

The queen took fright and her yellow skin turned green with envy. From that hour on whenever she looked at Snow-White, what passed for her heart turned over inside her body, so great was her hatred for the girl. The envy and pride grew ever greater, like a weed in her heart, until she had no peace day and night.

Then she summoned the triad boss who owned the KTV she worked at, and said to him, “Take Snow-White out into the back-streets. I never want to see her again. Kill her, and as proof that she is dead bring her lungs and her liver back to me.”

The liumang obeyed and took Snow-White into the suburbs. He took out his hunting knife and was about to stab it into her innocent heart when she began to cry, saying, “Oh, dear hooligan, let me live. I will blow a truckdriver and get a lift to the next city and never come back.”

Because she was so beautiful the huntsman took pity on her, and he said, “Run away, you poor child.”

He thought, “The locals will soon devour you anyway,” but still it was as if a stone had fallen from his heart, for he would not have to kill her.

Just then a young bore came running by. He killed it, cut out its lungs and liver, and took them back to the KTV princess as proof of Snow-White’s death. The cook had to boil them with salt and ginger, and the wicked woman ate them, supposing that she had eaten Snow-White’s lungs and liver. Hao chi!

The poor child was now all alone in the great city, and she was so afraid that she just looked at all the doors of the KTVs and did not know what to do. Then she began to run. She ran over uneven flagstones and through construction sites conveniently placed in the middle of the road, and wild officals jumped at her, but they did her no harm. She ran as far as her feet could carry her, and just as evening was about to fall she saw a little house and went inside in order to rest.

Inside the house everything was small, but so neat and clean that no one could say otherwise. There was a little table with a white tablecloth and seven little plates, and each plate had a spoon, and there were seven knives and forks and seven mugs as well. Against the wall there were seven little beds on the floor and covered with grey-white sheets.

Because she was so hungry and thirsty Snow-White ate a few vegetables and a little chicken feet from each little bowl, and from each glass she drank a drop of fake wine. Afterward, because she was so tired, she lay down on a bed and fell asleep.

After dark the masters of the house returned home. They were the seven runts who picked and dug recycleables in the mountain of rubbish the city generated daily. They lit their seven candles, and as soon as it was light in their house they saw that someone had been there, for not everything was in the same order as they had left it.

The first one said, “Who has been sitting on my stool?”

The second one, “Who has been eating from my bowl?”

The third one, “Who has been eating my delicious chicken feet?”

The fourth one, “Who has been eating my pickled vegetables?”

The fifth one, “Who has been using my chopsticks?”

The sixth one, “Who has been dipping into my sauce?”

The seventh one, “Who has been drinking from my glass?”

Then the first one saw a that there was a little imprint in his bed, and said, “Who stepped on my bed?”

The others came running up and shouted, “Someone has been lying in mine as well.”

But the seventh one, looking at his bed, found Snow-White lying there asleep. The seven dwarfs all came running up, and they cried out with amazement. They fetched their seven candles and shone the light on Snow-White. “Oh good heaven! Oh good heaven!” they cried. “This child is so beautiful!”

They jerked off for the full 30 seconds, and that did not wake her up, so they let her continue to sleep there in the bed. The seventh dwarf had to sleep with his companions, one hour with each one, with much vigourous tossing and more tossing, and then the night was done.

The next morning Snow-White woke up, and when she saw the seven runts she was frightened. But they were friendly and asked, “What is your name?”

“My name is Snow-White,” she answered.

“How did you find your way to our house?” the runts asked further.

Then she told them that her stepmother had tried to kill her, that the triad boss had spared her life, and that she had run the entire day, finally coming to their house.

The dwarfs said, “If you will keep house for us, and cook, make beds, wash, sew, and knit, and keep everything clean and orderly, then you can stay with us, and you shall have everything that you want, if everything that you want is a daily bowl of rice and a facial.”

“Yes,” said Snow-White, “with all my heart.”

So she was their maid. Every morning they went into the mountain of trash looking for whores and gold, and they would sing a little song:

“Buy Ho’s! Buy Ho’s! That’s why to work we go!”

In the evening when they came back home their meal had to be ready. During the day the girl was alone.

The runts warned her, saying, “Be careful about your stepmother. She will soon know that you are here. Do not let anyone in.”

Now the KTV princess, believing that she had eaten Snow-White’s delicious lungs and liver, could only think that she was again the first and the most beautiful woman of all. She stepped before her mirror and said:

Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
Who in this land is fairest of all?

It answered:

You, my ho, are fair; it is true.
But Snow-White, beyond the mountains
With the seven runts,
Is still the one with the prettiest cunt.

This startled the queen, for she knew that the mirror did not lie, and she realized that the triad boss had deceived her, and that Snow-White was still alive. Then she thought, and thought again, how she could kill Snow-White, for as long as long as she was not the most beautiful woman in the entire land her envy would give her no rest.

At last she thought of something. Coloring her face, she disguised herself as an old peddler woman, so that no one would recognize her. In this disguise she went to the house of the seven runts. Knocking on the door she called out, “Beautiful wares for sale, for sale!”

Snow-White peered out the window and said, “Good day, dear woman, what do you have for sale?”

“Good wares, beautiful wares,” she answered. “Push-up, pull-together padded inflateable bras in all colors.” And she took out one that was braided from colorful silk. “Would you like this one?”

“I can let that honest woman in,” thought Snow-White, then unbolted the door and bought the pretty bra.

“Child,” said the old woman, “you look as if you now have a B cup! Come, let me lace you up properly.”

The unsuspecting Snow-White stood before her and let her do up the new bra, but the old woman pulled so quickly and so hard that Snow-White could not breathe.

“You used to be the most beautiful one,” said the old woman, and hurried away.

Not long afterward, in the evening time, the seven runts came home. How terrified they were when they saw their dear Snow-White lying on the ground, not moving at all, as though she were dead, knowing for sure the police would blame them and throw them into a labour camp, never to be heard from again. They lifted her up, and, seeing that she was too tightly laced, they cut the bra in two. Then she began to breathe a little, and little by little she came back to life.

When the runts heard what had happened they said, “The old peddler woman was no one else but the KTV princess. Take care and let no one in when we are not with you.”

When the wicked woman returned home she went to her mirror and asked:

Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
Who in this land is fairest of all?

The mirror answered once again:

You, my ho, are fair; it is said.
But Snow-White, beyond the mountains
With the seven runts,
Is still the one that the local government officials want to fuck until they’re dead

When she heard that, she was mighty pissed off, because she knew that Snow-White had come back to life.

“This time,” she said, “I shall think of something that will destroy you.”

Then with the art of bitchcraft, which she understood, she made a poisoned comb. Then she disguised herself, taking the form of a different old woman. Thus she went across the mountains to the seven runts, knocked on the door, and called out, “Good wares for sale, for sale!”

Snow-White looked out and said, “Go on your way. I am not allowed to let anyone in.”

“You surely may take a look,” said the old woman, pulling out the poisoned comb and holding it up. The child liked it so much that she let herself be deceived, and she opened the door.

After haggling for two hours on the price, the old woman said, “Now let me comb your hair properly.”

She had barely stuck the comb into Snow-White’s hair when the poison took effect, and the girl fell down unconscious.

“You specimen of beauty,” said the wicked woman, “now you are finished.” And she walked away.

Fortunately it was almost evening, and the seven runts came home. When they saw Snow-White lying on the ground as if she were dead, they immediately suspected her stepmother. They examined her and found the poisoned comb. They had scarcely pulled it out when Snow-White came to herself again and told them what had happened. Once again they warned her to be on guard and not to open the door for anyone.

Back at home the queen stepped before her mirror and said:

Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
Who in this land is fairest of all?

The mirror answered:

You, my ho, are fair; it is known.
But Snow-White, beyond the mountains
With the seven runts,
Is still the one the local police want to use to be blown.

When the queen heard Weixin saying this, she shook and trembled with anger, “Snow-White shall die,” she shouted, “if it costs me my life!”

Then she went into her most secret room and made a poisoned Apple iPhone 88s. From the outside it was beautiful, white with red trim, and anyone who saw it would want it. But anyone who might use it would die. Then, coloring her face, she disguised herself as a peasant woman, and thus went across the mountains to the seven runts. She knocked on the door.

Snow-White stuck her head out the window and said, “I am not allowed to let anyone in. The runts have forbidden me to do so.”

“That is all right with me,” answered the peasant woman. “I’ll easily get rid of my Apple iPhones. Here, I’ll give you one of them.”

“What?,” said Snow-White, “an iPhone 88s? I don’t care if it kills me, I’ll still have the latest useless fad that all my friends will envy even when I am buried.”

Snow-White longed for the beautiful Apple, and when she saw that the peasant woman was about to take a selfie, she stuck her hand out and took it. She had barely logged onto Weixin when she fell to the ground dead.

The KTV princess looked at her with a gruesome stare, laughed loudly, and said, “White as snow, red as blood, black as tiles! This time the runts cannot awaken you.”

Back at home she asked her mirror:

Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
Who in this land is fairest of all?

It finally answered:

You, my ho, are fairest of all.

She was so happy she ate some delicious duck head to celebrate.

When the runts came home that evening they found Snow-White lying on the ground. She was not breathing at all. She was dead. They lifted her up and looked for something poisonous. They undressed her and inspected her deeply and frequently. They combed her hair. They washed her with water and even used soap. But nothing helped as they dare not remove the all-revered apple from her hand. The dear child was dead, and she remained dead. They laid her on a bier, and all seven sat next to her and mourned for her and cried for three days. They burned paper spirit money to buy off the ho’s in heaven. They hired Sgt Peppers to play tuneless noise to ensure the whole suburb were as upset as they. They lit crackers and skyrockets to scare away the evil spirits and keep the local businesses in ho’s. They drove around in trucks with huge round thingies in the back to… err, do whatever it is that huge round thingies do to help dead people.

They were going to bury her, but she still looked as fresh as a living person, and still had her beautiful red cheeks.

They said, “We cannot bury her in the black earth,” and they had a transparent glass coffin made, so she could be seen from all sides, just like their dear Chairman Miao. They laid her inside, and with golden letters wrote on it her name, and that she was a KTV princess. Then they put the coffin outside on a mountain of trash, and one of them always stayed with it and whacked off over her. The animals too came and mourned for Snow-white, first a mangy dog, then a flea-bitten rat, and finally a pigeon with explosive diarrhea. A dove to love with a glove.

Snow-White lay there in the coffin a long, long time, and she did not decay, but looked like she was asleep, for she was still as white as snow and as red as blood, and as black-haired as roof tiles.

Now it came to pass that a useless, spoiled, only-child superbrat entered this area and happened onto the runts’ house. He saw the coffin on the mountain of rubbish with beautiful Snow-White in it, and he read the golden letters.

Then he said to the runts, “Let me have the coffin. I will give you anything you want for it.”

But the runts answered, “We will not sell it for all the tea in China.”

Then he said, “Then give it to me, for I cannot live without being able to see Snow-White. I will honor her and respect her as my most cherished one. A dead mistress cannot cheat on me!”

As he thus spoke, the good runts felt pity for him and gave him the coffin. The brat had his servants carry it away on their shoulders. But then it happened that one of them stumbled on some uneven pavement, and this dislodged from Snow-White’s hand the poisoned apple that she had used. Not long afterward she opened her eyes, lifted the lid from her coffin, sat up, and was alive again.

“Good heavens, where am I and what’s to eat?” she cried out.

The brat said joyfully, “You are with me.” He told her what had happened, and then said, “I love you more than anything else in the world, even though I only know your name, just because I had a good look at your a-cups. Come with me to my father’s castle. You shall become my wife.” Snow-White loved his money, and she went with him. Their wedding was planned with great splendor and majesty.

Snow-White’s stepmother was also invited to the delicious feast. After putting on her beautiful clothes she stepped before her mirror and said:

Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
Who in this land is fairest of all?

The mirror answered:

You, my queen, are fair; it is true.
But the young bint is a thousand times fairer than you.

The wicked woman uttered a curse, and did not know what to do, but she had to go and see the young gold-digger. When she arrived she recognized Snow-White, and terrifed, she could only stand there without moving.

So they put a pair of tiny iron shoes into burning coals. They were brought forth with tongs and placed before her. She was forced to drink delicious baijiu and then step into the red-hot shoes and dance until she fell down dead. Which one was more painful, is in doubt. This was most amusing and enjoyed by all.

– DaBizzare