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Palace Museum: Home to Many ‘Mosts’ and ‘Firsts’

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, May 22, 2014

Guest Post
For reference: http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/culture/2014-05/14/content_17505075_5.htm

Of course, it is high time the MyLaowai team turned its unbiased, unprejudiced but somewhat bleary eyes on the centerpiece of Chinese tourism. Unlike the propaganda promulgated by our colleagues at China Daily, that shining example of harmful harmonious reporting and a beacon of light to all lovers of suppressed free speech globally- we here at the MyLaowai newsteam have done a more thorough report on one of the world’s largest tourist traps.

First, let’s look at the claims.

1. The Forbidden City is the largest and most intact ancient building complex in the world.
Err, someone hasn’t been to the Tower of London. Size-wise, as in most important things, laowai much bigger than Chinese… It’s also older… much older… Technically speaking, the chink king brothel is listed by UNESCO as the largest collection of preserved ancient wooden structures in the world. There, if we narrow it down a lot, seeing as most smart little pigs built their houses from stone to stop the big bad wolf from burning them the fuck down… we can finally find a biggest. It’s the biggest surviving fire hazard from ancient times. Not really that ancient either. When I think of Ancient, I think of 1,000+ years, our chinky king brothel is about half that.

2. Biggest collection of old chink things.
Well, that’s a gimme, especially considering they include collections held elsewhere… and nobody, even the Palace Museum, is interested in over half the shit they have anyway…

3. The Palace Museum has been visited by the most tourists in the world.
Another gimme, seeing as Chinese can’t afford to visit other countries, even when they are granted permission to leave. What is with that, permission to leave your own country? Sigh. I can just see it now: “Let’s go visit the Louvre my honey-steeped locust” – “Sorry duck-face, we can’t get passports, Beijing ok?” Talk about a captive audience.

4. The Palace Museum was among the first batch listed as a world cultural heritage by UNESCO in China.
One of the first group of… not the first, but if we STREEEETTTTCCCCHHHHHHH the facts we can squeeze a first out of this I guess. A bit like a Chinese girl with a size-C push-up padded bra claiming to have C-size tits. No hun, they are AA’s. As in the battery…

5. The Palace Museum located in the most beautiful city central axis in the world.
WTF??!!! OMG. Excuse me while I have a martini or 60 to get over the shock. Once we wipe the pavements clean of blood, and ignore the fact it’s a giant bloody concrete pavement, how about we settle with “Located in the middle of one of the most polluted cities on the planet” and call it quits.

6.
Hang on, there isn’t a number 6. You mean, even with including an outright lie or two, and stretching the facts until they can be plucked to accompany a mosquitoes hum, you can only find five?

There are plenty more, here’s just a few:

6: Museum with the most number of citizens slaughtered onsite in the modern era.
Argueably also true for the ancient era.

7: Most number of toilets in any museum without toilet paper!
Google ‘forbidden city toilet’ for a chuckle at reviews.

8: Least disabled-friendly museum.

http://blogs.wsj.com/chinarealtime/2014/05/02/un-forbidden-braving-beijings-biggest-tourist-attraction-in-a-wheelchair/ as one example. Let’s not forget, this is after the HUGE (Chinese huge is anything bigger than tiny) effort put in for the Olympics…

9. Museum with the most number of military police on duty.
Well, they hafta do something to keep unemployment rates down I guess…

10. Museum with the most ignored signage in the world.
From “No Spitting” to “No Photos” and “No Smoking”, I have yet to see any Chinese taking ANY notice at all of any of these signs…

That’s enough for now, but at least we made it to 10, and did it with the raw truth. MyLaowai > ChinaDaily, yet again.

Have a harmonica day!

DaBizzare.

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8 Responses to “Palace Museum: Home to Many ‘Mosts’ and ‘Firsts’”

  1. penguincadi said

    本博的帖子一如既往地扯淡。我会英语,但还没高超到本博文作者这样。所以,我用汉语留言。建议你用google translate看。http://translate.google.com

    不乐意去故宫,谁请你去了,是吧?既然来了,就好好看看,好好玩玩呗。咋那么多的屁话(你也用 脏话了,所以我只好跟你一个水平了)?谁 请 你 来 中 国 了 ?不喜欢你可以滚啊。最讨厌屁话那么多的人。

    好,回到故宫。故宫原来叫紫禁城,它位于一个在过去的600年里绝大部分时间大一统王朝的首都。600 年大一统王朝的首都,对于智力低下,人格分裂,内心黑暗的傻比们,这是很难理解的。你们来看故宫,要学习这些东西,知道不?

    我先喝口水,再说。

  2. penguincadi said

    Google did a good enough job. Let me post it here:

    The blog posts always crap. I speak English, but not superior to the author of this blog so. So, I leave a message in Chinese. I suggest you use google translate to see. http://translate.google.com

    Forbidden City is not willing to go, who you go, huh? Now come, take a look, have fun chant. Ye so much shit (you can also use bad language, so I had to tell you one level up)? Who ask you to China it? Not like you can roll ah. The most annoying shit so many people.

    Well, back to the Forbidden City. Originally called the Forbidden City Palace Museum, which is located in the capital of a unified dynasty in the past 600 years, most of the time. The capital of the unified dynasty 600 years, for mental retardation, split personality, inner darkness stupid than they, it is difficult to understand. Come and see the Forbidden City, to learn these things, you know?

  3. penguincadi said

    Warm tips: Those mentally and linguistically retarded guys who very misfortuntely cannot read my Chinese comments are rudely directed to seek medical help from Google Translate. Thanks for your cooperation!

  4. penguincadi said

    Size-wise, 埋老外’s pecker is way too much bigger than his thinker. The former fits a gorilla’s dilated asshole and the latter a squeezed lousehead. Isn’t this revealing??

  5. Long Long Time Been Here said

    Hilarious but true. I suppose the truth hurts for some people.

  6. […] Continue https://mylaowai.com/2014/05/22/palace-museum-home-to-many-mosts-and-firsts/ […]

  7. Rock it. Reblogged after pissing my pants while reading it. Blog on my man, blog on.

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