Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

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Posts Tagged ‘Christmas’

The Sinocidal Christmas Pantomime – Part Three

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, December 27, 2015

From the Vault
Sinocidal Banner

The Sinocidal 2006 Christmas Pantomime – Part Three
By ChouChou

What is Christmas? It’s a little Robin Red Breast shivering in the winter cold. It’s a hungry orphan being led into a shed. It’s a lone snowman whose nose-carrot is missing because it has been stolen and subsequently eaten by a gypsy thief. However, most importantly it’s the grand finale of the Sinocidal Christmas Panto, which even cable destroying earthquakes cannot prevent.

(This final act is brought to you by Gordon’s Gin)

Act the Last: In which Hu Jintao takes a dump on a futuristic toilet.

SCENE: Last week we left Hu Jintao trapped in the Cavern of Chinese Delights with only a mysterious lamp for company. As the curtain raises, Hu is sat crying atop a mountain of Kenny G albums

HU: Bah Mantou! What am I going to do trapped in this cave for all eternity? Without me at the helm, who is going to send out the orders to knock down Beijing’s last remaining hutongs, and shake hands with the Foreign Minister of the Solomon Islands on his next trip to Beijing?

(He whips out his diminutive penis and stares at it in his hand)

HU: No. Even though I may be stuck here forever with only Pizza Hut discount coupons and 1000 year old eggs for company, I should still lead a socialist lifestyle and say no to masturbation. I know, I’ll rub this lamp instead.

(He rubs the lamp, and astonishingly, a genie pops out)

GENIE: Take a wild fucking guess who I am. Come on, you know the score, three wishes and I can go back home. And if you think I’m going to sing and dance like Robin Williams did in that Disney film, you are very much mistaken my friend.

HU: Ok, for my first wish I would like a bottle of XO Remy Martin brought to me by a girl in a Tiger Beer leotard.

(The genie snaps his fingers and the wish is granted)

HU: For my next wish, I would like a can of 7-up to wash it down with.

(The wish is granted and Hu drinks the repulsive cocktail and plays dice with the Tiger Beer girl for 45 minutes)

HU: And finally, I would like you to send me hundreds of years into the future so that I can meet the Representative of Harmonious Christmas Future. I want to see how wonderful Chinese society is in the future thanks to my well-thought out policies.

(The curtain closes and then reopens to a new scene set in the 24th and a half century. It looks a lot like present-day Beijing, only dirtier, and for some reason an animated cartoon duck is flying about in the background. A sinister hooded figure dressed all in black awaits Hu Jintao as he is lowered by string onto the stage)

HU: Finally! This must surely be the new golden age! An age when China has risen again to her rightful place as master of the universe! An age where the GDP doubles EVERY SECOND! An age where all the people of China can live in peace and harmony as long as they don’t question the Communist Party! An age where piped music comes from the ground everywhere on Earth! I guess that you are the Representative of Harmonious Christmas Future.

(The Representative nods his head solemnly)

HU: This is great! Representative, show me some of the great things about this all-new Cyber-China!

(The Representative transports Hu Jintao to Tiananmen Square. Nationalities of every minority are dancing around in national dress and a huge sign proclaims “Only 972 days to the Second Beijing Olympics)

HU: Wonderful, wonderful, I can almost smell the harmoniousessnessness.

(Suddenly, the minorities stop dancing and start firing laser beams out of their eyes and burning down buildings. A tree is blown up which reveals the sign to be actually saying “Only 972 days to the second time Beijing will be allowed to compete in the new Olympics”)

HU: Noooooo! Oh, the huge manatee! What’s going on?

TIBETAN: Where have you been worthless Han scum? As you know, all the real minorities of China were persecuted to death years ago, and you Han created robot models of us to cover up the truth. But now we will rise against you! Come my brothers, let us combine. Tibetan…

MIAO: Miao!

UYGHUR: Uyghur!

MONGOL: Mongol!

HUI: Hui!

TIBETAN: Together we shall form UltraSuperMechaMinority!

(They form together to create a giant ethnic robot and begin trampling all over the Forbidden City)

HU: Bah Mantou! How can this be? Where is the government? Who is leading the country during this hour of crisis?

REPRESENTATIVE: I can answer that: for I am the new all-powerful leader of China.

(He pulls away his cloak to reveal he is none other that Tom Cruise)

HU: Tom fucking Cruise? B,b,b,b, but… how?

TOM: Actually, I’m the second cloned version of the original Tom Cruise, and I am head of the joint Scientology-Falun Gong government which took power in China years after your death. Thanks to your ridiculous ideologies of harmonious societies and Market-Leninism, the people of China were willing to accept any old rubbish, and so took our chance.

HU: (Weeping) No, no… it can’t be true. I have seen the past, and I have seen the future, and now I realise how wrong I have been. I promise to embrace the spirit of Christmas, I promise to be a good man, I promise to make China a better place. Just please, take me back!

(There is a wibbly-wobbly noise like the kind Garth and Wayne used to make in Wayne’s World, and Hu is back on his chair in Zhongnanhai)

HU: I’m back! Oh, I’m so glad! Was it all a dream? No, I don’t think so, it seemed so real.

(Wen Jiabao re-enters)

WEN: Oh great leader, where have you been? We were so worried.

HU: You would not believe me young Wen. I have been to the past and seen the first Christmas in China, and I have been to the future and seen the consequences for our country if things don’t change.

WEN: So then, can me and the lads have the day off?

HU: Bah mantou, absolutely not! Get my bags ready and I want a ticket for the next flight to Canada as soon as possible. I’ve seen what the future has in store for China, and there’s no way I’m staying here for it. See you later, fuckfaces!

(Hu Jintao runs off to steal as many public funds as possible. Wen Jiabao is left on stage to deliver the final speech)

WEN: Well, folks, you may think that I’m annoyed that Hu failed to see the true meaning of Christmas and deserted the country, but actually I’m not. You see, in my spare time I’m actually the Representative of Developing Christmas Present, and I got together with my other two mates so that we could scare Hu Jintao off and I could be leader. So you see boys and girls, it was a happy ending after all. For me anyway. My first rule will be to ban Christmas and place emphasis on getting drunk and receiving bribes at Chinese New Year instead. Now get out all of you before I have you all shot.

(The lights go out, there is the sound of gunfire, and then an eternal eerie silence)
The End

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The Sinocidal Christmas Pantomime – Part Two

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, December 26, 2015

From the Vault
Sinocidal Banner

The Sinocidal 2006 Christmas Pantomime – Part Two
By ChouChou

In the last act of Hu Jintao and the Three Represenatives, we placed a vicious Communist dictator in a cuddly family friendly situational pantomime, and asked you to suspend belief when we said Jiang Zemin had a soul. Now read on!

Act the Second: In which our hero takes a trip back in time to a humiliated past

SCENE: A British gentleman’s club that has been built on the ashes of a destroyed Cantonese yamen. Pictures of Queen Victoria hang on the walls, and the distinct smell of over-boiled vegetables fills the air. A number of crusty old Englishmen sit in huge armchairs smoking cigars made from first editions of the Tao Te Ching. Rosie O’Donnell, dressed as Widow Twankey, enters the stage and introduces the second act.

ROSIE O’DONNELL: Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,
Hu Jintao is in the past to study Christmas Day – hey!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,
Ching chong ching ching chong chong ching ching chong!

(ROSIE leaves in order to find somebody who “grasps” her sense of humour)

ENGLISHMAN 1: (Putting down his newspaper) Look here Caruthers, you know what I find very very funny?

ENGLISHMAN 2: (Smoking a pipe) What would that be, my dear sir?

ENGLISHMAN 1: A man wearing women’s clothing.

ENGLISHMAN 2: Steady on Grayson; don’t get ahead of yourself, man.

(Hu Jintao and the Representative of Christmas Humiliated Past materialise by the fireplace with the stuffed panda’s head hanging over it. The Representative’s features are disguised by his white hood)

HU: I want answers and I want them now. Just what in the sweet name of a Harmonious Society is exactly going on here? You wouldn’t be Taiwanese, would you?

REPRESENTATIVE: I am the Representative of Christmas Humiliated Past, and this is Christmas Eve 1857.

HU: 1857? Bah Mantou! If this is 1857 than I’m an unelected head of government who graduated from Tsinghua University with a degree in hydraulic engineering in 1964. Anyway, who are you exactly and why have you brought me here?

REPRESENTATIVE: I have brought you here to these years when Christmas was first introduced into China to teach you the true meaning of this special time. And as for who I am…

(The Representative throws of his cloak to reveal that he is none other than Zhang Ziyi)

ZHANG: …I am Zhang Ziyi! And I took this part because my last period role was a pile of poo. But look around you Hu Jintao, what do you see?

HU: A couple of fat old men sat round drinking tea. It looks like the last meeting of the National People’s Congress.

ZHANG: Yes, but look beyond all that. See how these foreigners from afar have waged war on the Motherland and humiliated our people. Do you know why these Englishmen came here?

HU: To learn more about our 5000 years of history and to stand in line at the Bank of China whilst others push in?

ZHANG: Your hairdye has affected your brain Hu Jintao. These men made war on China because we would only accept silver for their goods, and they were forced to find other ways to do business with us. Even now, your government is committing the same mistake by hording foreign currency and refusing to devalue the yuan. And besides, in 1857 we only had 4850 years of history.

HU: Bah Mantou! I demand that you take me back to Zhongnanhai. The Supergirls Contest is on in five minutes and I want to see if another androgynous dyke wins.

ZHANG: You may return to the present, but first I ask you to do me a favour. In the next room is a very precious lamp, which was stolen by the British during this time. I want you to go in and retrieve it for me.

HU: Why can’t you go yourself?

ZHANG: I haven’t brought my body double. Remember! Everything else is yours, but bring me the lamp!

(Hu enters the next room while Zhang Ziyi waits by the door. In the room is a multitude of wonderful Chinese objets d’art)

HU: Wow! I’ve never seen so many beautiful things! Snoopy car chair covers, Hello Kitty toilet roll holders, over-sized Lacoste belts, plastic cats which wave their paws, and fibreglass rods with neon fireworks coming out of the top! Such beauty! Ah, here’s that lamp she was asking for.

ZHANG: (Shouting) Give me the lamp now, and I promise your death will be a painless one!

HU: Well, if that’s the case, no. The problem with you Zhang Ziyi is that it was exactly this kind of unsubtle performance that ruined your career in The Banquet.

ZHANG: Then you are doomed to be trapped within this room forever!

(Zhang casts a spell on the door so that it was made in Gansu. It thus closes, breaks, and can never be opened again)

HU: Oh no! What am I going to do?

How will Hu Jintao escape from the Cavern of Chinese Delights? How are we going to fit the other two Representatives in our next and final act? And how the hell did a mediocre pastiche of A Christmas Carol suddenly become a mediocre pastiche of Aladdin? All will be made clear in our final extravaganza act: “Hu Jintao in the 24th and a half Century”! In colour!

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The Sinocidal Christmas Pantomime

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, December 25, 2015

From the Vault
Sinocidal Banner

The Sinocidal 2006 Christmas Pantomime – Part One
By ChouChou

As a special Christmas treat to both of our readers, Sinocidal is proud to present a very special pantomime with Chinese characteristics. Featuring a full chorus of Communists, Supernatural Beings, Buddhists, Friendlies, Ethnic Minorities, Supergirls, laobaixing, Confucians, the foreigners, and more things than you can shake the Official Sinocidal Shaking Stick(TM) at. So get the kids around the laptop, hand the dog over to the city authorities, and enjoy this seasonal story of how one very special President discovered the true meaning of Christmas.

Hu Jintao and the Three Representatives
(Or A Christmas 民歌)

Act the First: In which Hu Jintao receives a surprise visitor.

SCENE: It is Christmas Eve in Zhongnanhai, although you would be hard pressed to know it. Hu Jintao sits behind his huge desk made out of skulls, with only the light from the carcasses of rabid dogs burning on the fireplace to guide him. Scrolls of paper hang over tall in-trays and out-trays which are labelled “Arrested Officials” and “About To Be Arrested Officials” respectively. Andy Lau enters the stage dressed as a giant turkey and breaks into song:

ANDY LAU: ‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through Zhongnanhai,
Homosexuals were being persecuted, even those that were bi.
The Death Lists were hung by the chimney with care,
With copies made out to Bush, Putin, and Blair.

HU: Bah Mantou! We’ll have no jollity here! This is Zhongnanhai, not some Shanghainese brothel full of Japanese sex tourists!

(Pulls out a gun and shoots Andy Lau. A nation cheers.)

HU: Anybody would think that Christmas was a festival designated by the state for approval. We are a proud nation with 5000 years of history: we have no need for some foreign holiday celebrating the birth of some waidiren who was nailed against a giant number ten.

(Wen Jiabao scurries into the room and kowtows before Hu’s desk)

WEN: Oh Great Munificent Sovereign Who Upholds the Heavens…

HU: For Marx’s sake, get up off the floor. That carpet was made in Hebei and won’t be able to endure your knees rubbing against it.

WEN: Sorry, your benevolence. It was just that, with it being Christmas and all, the lads and me were wondering if we might possibly have the day off tomorrow so we could go out and give alms to the poor…

HU: Do my fucking ears deceive me? (Pulls out a baby panda from his drawer and dashes its brains out on the corner of his desk) You see that? You made me do that. And every minute you don’t work, another of these baby pandas has to die. Christmas Day indeed! Anybody would think you didn’t have enough holidays as it is.

WEN: But sir, the only time we’ve had off this year was a couple of hours during National Day. And even then you made us go to the Mao Zedong Memorial Hall along with the rest of the population.

HU: (Pulls out another baby panda and stamps on its head) Now look: there’s only three Friendlies left, so get out of my sight and help to increase our nation’s GDP.

WEN: Yes your Dyed-Black-Hairyness.

HU: Bah Mantou! If it’s not pregnant workers wanting the afternoon off to have babies, it’s disloyal cadres trying to undermine my legacy.

(Suddenly, the lights dim and a strange fog begins to emit all around. An eerie voice booms out from above)

VOICE: Woooohh! Hu Jintao! Hu Jintao! Heed my words and repent your evil ways! Woooooh!

HU: What? What’s this? Is somebody playing those Karen Mok songs again? Who is this?

VOICE: It is I, the ghost of Jiang Zemin!

(Jiang Zemin materialises in the middle of the room. He is dressed in revealing red negligee and chained down to a thousand books.)

HU: Impossible! You died during an overdose of karaoke at Buckingham Palace! And why are you wearing red negligee?

JIANG: It’s the weekend. Now Hu Jintao, listen to me. You have forgotten the true meaning of Christmas, so tonight the Three Representatives of Christmas Humiliated Past, Developing Present, and Harmonious Future will visit you and teach you what this day really means.

HU: Bah Mantou! I know already that the true meaning of Christmas is just another method by the imperialist West to contaminate us with their spiritual pollution.

JIANG: Heed my words Hu Jintao. Heed my words, or like me, you too will be burdened for all eternity with a thousand copies of your own memoirs. Remember the Three Representatives! FAREWELL! Farewell! farewell…!

HU: Why are you repeating yourself and pretending to fade away? I can still see you.

JIANG: Yeah, sorry. We spent the special effects money on another empty skyscraper in Pudong, so this is the best we can do. Anyway, see ya!

(Jiang disappears)

HU: What nonsense! Three representatives! As if anybody could believe such rubbish! (Note to reader: this is the subtle satire that we promised) I shall spend this Christmas Eve like I’ve spent every other Christmas Eve: meeting the Prime Minister of some obscure Pacific Island and getting them to agree to the One China Policy.

(A pillar of smoke appears and a voice booms out)

VOICE: Take heed President! For I am the Representative of Humiliated Past!

HU: Crikey! What are the chances of that happening, eh?

Is Andy Lau really dead? Does Hu Jintao really dye his hair? Will the spirit of Santa prevail in Zhongnanhai, or will the only “ho ho ho” be a trio of AIDS infested prostitutes from Henan? Tune in next week viewers for the second act of our Sinocidal Pantomime: “Widow Twankey meets the All-China Woman’s Federation”!

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Merry Christmas. Again.

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Right, so it’s Christmas time back in the civilised world. Lucky you. I imagine you are enjoying being with people who don’t want to steal everything you own and then expel you. Or who don’t look at your pets with recipes in mind. You may even have received gifts, or have given them away yourselves. I can only imagine how nice that must be. What’s the weather like there? Winter or summer, I bet you can at least see the far side of the street without the smog getting in the way, right? Of course, it’s not easy for everyone at Christmas time – many families will have people in the armed forces away, for example. But look on the bright side: at least they are not about to go to war with Japan / the Philippines / Taiwan / Vietnam / India / Malaysia / Australia / the United States.

In China of course, everything is wonderful. The glorious Party and the magnificent and ancient Culture of mighty China lend, as always, a certain special majesty to anything and everything, and nothing is more improved by exposure to Chinese culture than poorly Western rituals that are a mere shadow of truly important Chinese festivals. Like, um, the one about eating dumplings. Or the other one about eating other dumplings for a different reason. Oh yeah, We All Love China. There’s a special word for how much we all love China, and that word is ‘Bollocks’ [note to censors: ‘Bollocks’ means ‘masculine’, sort of].

I wish I was in Taiwan.

Merry Christmas from all of us here at MLHQ. You, our readers, we do love. We’ll try to spend more time with you all next year.

Xmas Girls

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A Forced Relocation

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, November 19, 2007

About this time last year, I was sitting at my desk at home, when there came a tentative knock on the door. Naturally, I did the smart thing and ignored it. It wasn’t long before I heard the noises of someone trying to fit various keys into the lock, and it became obvious that my unwelcome visitor was either the landlord hoping to see what I had under the bed, or yet another botched attempt by the PSB to place yet another bug somewhere in the living room. I crept over to the door and flung it open, surprising the small group on the other side.

The conversation proceeded thusly:
MyLaowai: “Who the fuck are you?”
Unwanted Visitor: “I am the estate agent who is selling the house, and these people are potential buyers who have come for a look.”
ML: “You have the wrong house, this one isn’t for sale.”
UV: “This is the right house, your landlord gave me the keys.”
ML: “You have ten seconds before I break your nose. 9… 8… 7…”

And they departed rapidly. But the Unwanted Visitor had been telling me the truth, and my landlord bluntly confirmed that she had handed over the keys to several estate agents, with instructions to come only at times when I wasn’t expected to be home. A lucky thing that I had changed the locks shortly after moving in a year previously. Anyway, it was made clear that she was selling the house and that Mrs MyLaowai and I had better get another place sorted out PDQ (although we wouldn’t have known anything about it until after it was sold, had I not been working at home that day).

Well, we found another place and it seemed not-too-bad, if slightly on the pricey side. We explained our situation to the new landlord, and he assured us that he had no plans to sell the place, and that he was very happy to sign a nice, long, lease with us, so we paid out two months rent in advance and moved in. And a week later he left us a note saying that we had ten days to be out, because the place had just been sold. Yes, we did refer to the contract, the same standard contract that is used for all apartment rentals – and discovered that the estate agent had removed the section that gave us any recourse at all. No surprises that the owner was working in collusion with the agent, and that the victim was a stupid laowai.

Well, I’m going to skip through the next few days, because the point of the story is that we found another place nearby, and moved in. There’s not a lot of point in letting you know that every estate agent in the area had been made aware of our situation and tried to fuck us over, nor is there any point in going on about the fact that prices in the area suddenly went up overnight. Suffice to say, we found a place, got moved in, and that was that.

That was about a year ago.

Last week, we got a call from our current landlord. She asked whether we were happy, to which we replied that yes, we were very happy. Did we want to sign for another years rental? Oh yes, we replied, we like this place. Good, she said, in that case the rent goes up 40%.

Forty Percent?

So now we’re looking for a new place again, and I’m wondering why it always happens this way? For the longest time I thought it was merely the absurdly greedy and desperate desire that these mongrels all seem to have to be rich before lunch, without actually doing any work, or even getting out of bed in many cases. That, I knew was true. My landlady had certainly lost some money investing gambling in the stock market recently, and obviously wanted to recoup her losses from a stupid and rich laowai – no shocks there, either. But, I found myself wondering, is that it? Can that really be all there is to it? The the truth hit me – the reason that Chinese all try so hard to fuck us up at this time every year, is that they hate Christmas. Don’t believe me? Here’s why:

Ten Reasons Why The Chinese Hate Christmas

10. The Grinch was Chinese. He only lost because of a Conspiracy Against China.

9. If Rudolph & Co. flew over Chinese airspace, they’d be shot down.

8. Christmas is a time of goodwill to all men – Chinese never got that concept.

7. Christmas is a time for giving, not petty theft.

6. Chinese homes don’t have chimneys. Or fireplaces. Or heating. Or insulation.

5. There are no Christmas Trees in China – they’ve all been either cut down or killed by air and water pollution.

4. When an old Chinese man asks little children to sit on his knee and tell him what they want, it means he’s a paedophile.

3. Red is the colour of bloody revolution, not the clothing of fat, jolly, old men.

2. The angel on the tree doesn’t have the approval of the State Religious Affairs Bureau, in accordance with Order Number Five, and is therefore officially “illegal and invalid“. A bit like reincarnated Buddhists.

And finally, the Number One reason why Chinese hate Christmas:

1. Although lovable Santa Claus has the same Body Mass Index as dictator Mao Zedong, he doesn’t have anything like the same body odour, possibly because Santa Claus is on record as having had a bath more than once during his entire life, and Mao Zedong is on record as never having bathed, ever. The Chinese love Stinky Dictators.

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