Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

Next year, 2008, and the Olympics will be coming home to China, the land that invented them. I know this to be true, because I have seen the 40-minute CCTV documentary that proves it. China – the sporting superpower that gave us cricket, soccer, snowboarding and the Tour de France – is experiencing a wave of sporting enthusiasm the likes of which hasn’t been seen since Grog the Neanderthal first learned to throw a stick javelin. As a patriotic , tax-paying, member of this harmonica harmonius society, I therefore bring to you:

Sports. With Chinese Characteristics. Lah.

1. Remember that kid at school that everyone laughed at? Y’know, the one who would stand by himself in the playground with his legs slightly apart, twisting his torso left and right randomly, with his thin little arms flailing wildly and out of control? Yes, the one everyone called fucktard. Well, the joke’s on you, because it turns out that he was in fact practising the National Morning Exercise Of China. Every morning, half a billion fucktards diligent citizens start their day with this display of uncoordinatedism.

2. If that sounds like a little too much work for you (and certainly I doubt I could make myself do it), then how about this: extend your left arm out to the side, and with your right hand, reach across your chest and slap your left shoulder a dozen times. Repeat with arms reversed. Note that it does help with the reaching across bit if you possess a sunken chest, like pirates and Chinese do.

3. Too motionless for you? No problem. Find a nice open piece of lane and walk shuffle slowly backwards for twenty yards. Turn around. Shuffle back. Repeat until you feel dizzy (twice more should do it). Believe it or not, this is the mainstay of Chinese sports, and the reason for their astounding sense of balance and poise.

4. Not Zen enough? Hey, we got it covered. Stand in one place and wave one arm in a slow circle. That’s it, really.

5. For those of you who are into competitive sports, why spectate when you can expectorate? That’s right, sports fans, ‘Long Distance Spitting’ makes a return to the Olympics as the National Sport Of China. Modifications to the points system include bonuses for green colouration of the phlegm, minimal amounts of spray (sidewash), and slipperiness underfoot at the drop zone.

6. Foreigners haven’t been left out, either. The ‘Hop, Skip & Jump Through The Phlegm & Dogshit Minefield’ (A.K.A. the ‘Streetwalk’) has never been more in vogue. Just watch those laowai go!

7. An old favourite, the ‘Get A Seat On The Bus At Any Cost’ event is sure to be a crowd pleaser. Tickets are sure to sell out fast, so hurry to join the queue.

8. Massage is an ancient and traditional Chinese art. Massage is practised widely throughout the Celestial Kingdom, with salons found at convenient locations everywhere, even just outside primary schools. Simply look for the rotating Traditional ‘Barbers Pole’ outside and the Traditional Diligent Qipao-Wearing Masseuse inside. (* see also Press Up).

9. One of the more demanding sports in China, is the ‘Pretend To Pay For Lunch Or Dinner’ contest. The rules are complex and the action intense, but essentially the aim is to wave your money in the direction of the waiter whilst shouting loudly that you insist on paying, and yet somehow end up with your money back in your manbag and your guest having paid. All this after a fourteen-course meal washed down with a nice blend of Coke and Chateau Laroque. Wow, now that’s sport!

10. Finally, there’s the Special Olympics. China is expected to field the largest team ever, with nearly 1.5 billion competitors eligible for the team. Go get ’em, tiger!

Like the Man says… Just Do It!