Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

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Archive for the ‘Wet Pussy Awards’ Category

How Wet Thou Art, Pussy!

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, August 19, 2010

Well now, Lee Hannon, it seems you have been a bad boy recently. A very bad boy indeed. Been working for ChinaDaily, have we? Tsk, tsk. As the Chief Editor no less, according to your LinkedIn profile, although ChinaDaily themselves say you are a mere ‘journalist’. My word, Mister Hannon, you have been stretching some truths, haven’t you? Naughty, naughty.

But hey, it’s cool with us. We don’t mind if you get your kicks by licking a Panda’s arse, and we don’t really care if you do love the Party more then you love your own family, because it takes all sorts to make the world go round, and even treasonous vipers like yourself have a place in society. Granted, that place is swinging from the end of a rope tied to your gentleman’s vegetables at one end and a lamp post at the other, but it’s a place nonetheless.

I was, however, interested to read a recent article in which you slagged off England, the nation of your birth. In it, you said words to the effect that the UK was not a good place for tourists to visit during the next Olympic Games. As evidence, you cited the Anholt-GfK Roper Nation Brands Index on the quality of welcome offered to visitors, in which the UK ranked 14th. You probably thought you were quite safe in doing so, as this Index is not widely available for public consumption.

You obviously read the report thoroughly, right? I mean to say, it would hardly be responsible of you to not have read it from cover to cover, agreed?

You made a point of bemoaning the fact that, in the particular category quoted, the UK ranked 14th. Where did your beloved China rank, I wonder? But wait, it would appear that I have a copy of the report myself. Let’s just have a look, shall we? Oh yes, here we are…

Overall Nation Brands Index
UK 4th
China 22nd

Exports Index
– contribution to innovation
– effect on attitudes towards ‘country of origin’
– degree of creativity
UK 4th
China 17th (quality of products 45th)

Governance
– competently and honestly governed
– respect and fair treatment of it’s citizens
– responsible behaviour in international peace and security
– responsible environmental protection
– responsible for reducing world poverty
UK 7th
China 49th (just in front of Iran, in last place)

Culture
– sports
– cultural heritage
– music, films, art, literature
UK 4th
China 7th

People
– friendly towards visitors
– other people want them as friends
– valuable employees
UK 6th
China 35th (but hey, up from 41st, which is good)

Tourism
– people would like to visit
– rich in natural beauty
– rich in historic buildings
– vibrant city life
UK 5th
China 19th

Immigration & Investment
– foreigners want to live there
– quality of life
– good place to study
– businesses worth investing in
– equal opportunities
UK 4th
China 33rd

Special Category: Contribution to Global Recovery from the Economic Crisis
UK 3rd
China 11th

There’s something else worth noting about this report, and that is that the authors have a website on which you can see how ordinary people around the world rated cities and countries across the globe, including their own.

This is how the Chinese people (and Lee Hannon) ranked Beijing:
Most important city in the world (with Shanghai 2nd and Shenzhen 3rd. Hong Kong 4th, of course.)
Best services and accommodation in the world
Best people in the world
Most lively city in the world
Most opportunities in the world

However, China was the only country in which it’s citizens were not allowed to give their opinion on their own country. I find that telling.

What I find equally telling, is that you, Mister Hannon, have lied through your back teeth whilst in the service of the Party. You have crossed the line, sunshine. The Wet Pussy Award is given to those bottom-feeders who “actively seek out ways to support the Han Regime, who publicly side with the Chinese Communist Party… A great many of these sympathisers work […] in the entertainment industry, and most show their support by […] agreeing in public with the position the Han regime takes on anything and everything […] they [also] do the ‘look at the stupid Laowai’ entertainment shows in which Han Chinese are shown to be superior to the nasty barbarian foreigners.”

Mister Hannon, I believe you qualify in the worst possible way, and I award you this Wet Pussy for being a complete and utter toe-rag, wastrel, scumbag, and all-round traitor to humanity. You’d better hope you never meet me in a bar, because I’ll have your guts for my garters, sparky.


Mister Lee Hannon, Wet Pussy Winner.
I hope you die of cancer.

Posted in ChinaDaily, Lies & Damned Lies, Media, Olympics, Propaganda, Wet Pussy Awards | 14 Comments »

My Wet Pussy And Other Tidbits

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, October 8, 2009

All has been harmonious in the Celestial Kingdom this week. The ardent nationalism and military displays have shown the world that China is interested in a ‘peaceful rise’, and the citizens of this fine empire have not had their joy disturbed by anything so mundane and unimportant as news of tsunamis or earthquakes or typhoons in other parts of the world. Obviously, part of the reason for this is that there are no other parts of the world, except of course for ‘Foreign Barbarian Land’.

The MyLaowai surveying and statistics bureau carried out an interesting study back on October 1st: We here at MLHQ asked a selected group of Laowai’s to carry out a survey for us. We did not tell them what or who the survey was for. There were two questions in the survey, which they were to ask of all the Chinese people they knew:

1. What are you doing this evening?
This question was asked during the morning. Of the several hundred responses, all but two replied that they would be at home watching the military parade on television with their families. Of the remaining two, one was on a train to her hometown and was disappointed to be missing the parade, whilst the other was on a pilgrimage to Beijing to watch the parade in person.

2. Did you enjoy the parade?
One hundred percent of those questioned enjoyed the parade mightily, although the respondent who had made the pilgrimage to Beijing was saddened to learn that no member of the public was permitted to watch the spectacle in person. Many went on to express further thoughts on the subject. The two comments that sum it up best were:
“I only like the part of the Army”
“This show is amazing. China is more stronger and great”

As a result of the worrying demonstration of Chinese military intentions, many nations around the world have raised their Threat Level assessments:

The British have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” Brits have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. China has been re-categorised from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability.

It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly And Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform And Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose”.

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new navy ready to deploy. These beautifully designed state-of-the-art warships have glass bottoms, so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from “Baaa” to BAAAA!”. Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is “Shut, I Hope Austrulia Will Come End Riscue Us”. In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called “Bondi”.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No Worries” to “She’ll Be Right, Mate”. Three more escalation levels remain: “Crikey!’, “I Think We’ll Need To Cancel The Barbie This Weekend” and “The Barbie Is Cancelled”. There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.

Finally, MyLaowai has authorised the awarding of a Wet Pussy to these traitorous scum, for services rendered to the Chinese Communist Party:

f8
Really Wet Pussies. We hope they die of cancer.

Posted in China, Festivals et al, Propaganda, Wet Pussy Awards | 9 Comments »

My Wet Pussy Special

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, April 27, 2009

I get quite a few emails from readers, and in general they fall into one of three categories:

1. Why do you live in China if you hate it so much?
2. I am Chinese and I am going to kill you and your entire family!
3. I wish you still did the Wet Pussy Awards – I loved that!

The first will be comprehensively answered in an upcoming post. The second provides me with an unending source of amusement and glee, and the third is being dealt with here and now.

That’s right, folks. The Wet Pussy Awards are back!

It wasn’t easy, y’know. To start with, the MyLaowai Central Committee had to purchase new pussy. And because we live in China, and because we have this thing about catching some horrific disease, we had to have it vaccinated (we despise diseased pussy). And because, whilst young pussy is great, it’s also a bit time consuming and of dubious legal status, and so we had to wait for a while until the pussy was old enough to be safely wetted.

But everybody loves new pussy, and now the pussy is ready.

There’s this chap who goes by the name of ‘Gavin’ Menzies, and who claims to have been born in China. If you are thinking that this is an odd name for a Chinaman, then you would be correct, for ‘Gavin’ was actually born in London (and his actual first name is Rowan). No one is quite sure why he claims to have been born in China, but then again this is by far the least lunatic of his many claims.

‘Gavin’ (or Rowan to the Courts) Menzies has a number of rather, er, fascinating theories on world history. Here’s a few of them:

* The Chinese discovered the whole world in 1421.
* The Chinese invented a method for measuring longitude without using clocks.
* The Chinese were the first to colonise the Americas.
* The Inca’s were Chinese.
* New Zealand, Australia and Hawaii belong to China.

There’s plenty more – this is just a sampling. For an evening full of joy and laughter, just buy one of his books. Then again, perhaps it would be best not to encourage him. His latest book is a doozy, folks. In it, he claims that the Renaissance was a Chinese invention, brought to Italy by a “magnificent Chinese Fleet”, and that Leonardo da Vinci stole his idea for a helicopter from Chinese sailors. Printing, too, was generously brought to poor Europe by Chinese sailors, as was the idea of medicine. The hits just keep on coming.

So, who the hell is this Menzies character? Here’s a quick list of things you should know about him:

1. Menzies joined the Royal Navy age 15 and went into submarines. He claims that the Navy taught him advanced cartography skills not available to ordinary historians, which is fine except that the Royal Navy doesn’t teach cartography to submariners. He also claims that, whilst in the Navy, he retraced the voyages of Magellan and Cook, which is fine except that the Royal Navy is unconvinced. A friend of mine who sailed with him, believes he suffered from oxygen deprivation. This may have some truth to it.

2. Mister Menzies was an officer with twelve years of seniority, who nevertheless managed to avoid promotion to Commander. This isn’t usual. Whilst in command of a Royal Navy submarine, he managed to ram an American minesweeper, which was moored at a pier. For this, he was asked to resign his commission, which is very usual for such a disgrace. He ‘retired’ age 32, his only naval qualification being that of Torpedoman (TRS).

3. Following some rather misguided investments, Mister Menzies was declared bankrupt and, subsequently, a vexatious litigant. For those unsure of the meaning of this term, it refers to someone who regularly and repeatedly sues people for trivial reasons, and has done so often enough that the courts have refused to deal with him any more. Or, in simpler language, a crank. Bring it on, ‘Gavin’.

4. Menzies, as an “astronomer and navigator”, declares that in the 1420’s the Chinese could sail to the North Pole, as it was 300 miles further south than now – this isn’t true. He also claims that the North Pole coincides with Polaris at 90° altitude – this is also not true. He goes on to claim that he analysed Chinese sailing directions and a star guide in the Wu Pei Chih of 1422 to calculate that the equator was at 03° 34′ North. There was (he proclaims) a corresponding shift northwards of ice limits in both the Arctic and Antarctic, caused (he says) by a shift in the earth’s axis that began a miniature Ice Age in 1450. We also happen to know that none of this is true, either.

5. According to Menzies, the Chinese calibrated logs and used sextants long before the British produced a mechanical log in the middle of the 16th century, or the first mariner’s sextant in 1757. He says that the Chinese could ‘eliminate magnetic variation’. This is impossible.

6. Menzies claims to have discovered the wrecks of nine Chinese ships in the Caribbean. He has yet to let anyone else know where, precisely. The same applies to the remains of a number of Chinese ships he has discovered 300 feet up a cliff in New Zealand (washed ashore there of all places when a comet landed in the Pacific Ocean), not to mention “large dockyards and buildings constructed from their stone ballast” – no one else has yet managed to discover these remains, though people have found some perfectly normal and natural rocks and trees and birds. In fact, not one single piece of evidence has ever been found to support any of his theories.

7. Menzies has often talked about the “riddle of a lost Chinese city on the [US] Atlantic coast” and made the claim that an unnamed Canadian architect “might reveal the location of the unidentified site where he discovered some buried ruins whose origin is unknown”, though Menzies says it was a Chinese naval depot established by Zheng He. This depot is, apparently, “two-thirds the size of the Forbidden City”. Menzies also claims to possess a ‘lost World Map’ of Kublai Khan (1260-1294), that includes the Americas.

8. Menzies claims that the Chinese sent a fleet to visit Italian mapmaker Albertin di Virga in 1408, on their way through the Mediterranean and on into the Atlantic. They entered the Mediterranean from the Red Sea through a non-existent Suez Canal. Not the present Suez Canal, of course, but via the Nile by an earlier ditch that a Caliph had filled with sand in 775. Menzies, of course, knows where this canal was.

Why does he do it? Honestly, no one really knows for sure. Some (like my friend) claim he has brain damage, caused by oxygen deprivation. Others claim he is merely a nutter.

But I find it interesting that Mister Menzies’ books have so neatly summarised the Chinese Communist Party’s claims that China was the first to discover large swathes of the world, including Hawaii, New Zealand, Australia, and more. In fact, Mr Menzies has on several occasions amended his statements to reflect changes in official CCP policy regarding Chinese territorial claims. China’s Party Chairman, Hu Jintao, used Menzies’ books as the basis upon which he made direct references to Australia having been been first discovered by Chinese sailors when he addressed the Australian Parliament. And I also find it interesting that, despite being declared a bankrupt, Menzies found it so easy to raise large sums of money for his ‘research’.

But whichever way you view him, there can be no doubt that ‘Gavin’ Menzies is a Wet Pussy of the first water.

Menzies, this Wet Pussy Award is for you, you traitorous wretch. I hope you choke on it.

wetpussyaward2009

‘Gavin’ Menzies. Wet Pussy Award Winner.

Posted in Lies & Damned Lies, Propaganda, Wet Pussy Awards | 24 Comments »

The Award Formerly Known As Wet Pussy

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, September 30, 2008


In an effort to be more harmonious, and to celebrate both 5,000 spam comments and 5,000 years of ‘Culture’, I’ve decided to give the Wet Pussy Award a facelift. That’s right folks, instead of focusing on those traitorous laowai who have gone over to the Dark Side, we will from now on be looking more closely at the rich tapestry of Chinese Culture. I will, every month, review a major Chinese contribution to the World.

Oh, and there’s a new name, too:   The Falling Cow Award. Nice.

I will start with one of the finest museums in the country, the Shanghai Natural History Museum.

According to the official blurb,

The Shanghai Museum of Natural Sciences is one of the largest museums of natural sciences in China. Located at downtown Shanghai, the museum features some British traditional style and covers an area of 12,880 square meters.

Prepared in November 1956, the Shanghai Museum of Natural Sciences opened the Division Museum of Animals to the public in 1960, and the Division Museum of Plants in 1984. The building for exhibition of samples covers a floor space of 3,053 square meters. The exhibition halls of the museum are situated in the Shanghai Botanic Garden and cover a total space of 4,726 square meters.

The museum has a collection of 240,000 samples, including over 62,000 pieces of animal specimens, 135,000 plant specimens, 700 specimens of the Stone Age, and 1,700 specimens of minerals, which are of high value to research on natural evolvement.

The largest exhibit is a dinosaur skeleton of over four storeys high. There are also some rare species, which cannot be found elsewhere outside China, on display, such as a Yellow River mammoth, a giant salamander, a giant panda, and an alligator from the Yangtze River. Besides, the museum boasts more than 60,000 volumes of documents and books on scientific research.

The museum features four exhibition halls: the Hall of the History of the Ancient Animals, the Hall of History of Ancient Anthropology, the Hall of Animals and the Hall of Plants.

It’s a load of hooey, of course. A dilapidated falling down building that hasn’t seen any basic maintenance since the British had it stolen from them by Communist rebels, with a few bits of rocks and a tatty stuffed animal or two on display, hardly qualifies as a museum in my book. That said, it actually is “one of the largest museums of natural sciences in China“, which just goes to show the value Chinese people put on education and science.

There’s a wonderful walk-through exhibit that shows the evolution of Man, from terrible ape-like Africans, to the classical-Greek Caucasians, to the Han Chinese. It’s not only guaranteed to offend, it’s ‘Historically Accurate’ as well. The best part is the signs that explain it all from start to finish. Here’s what they say:

About 10-20 million years ago and after having undergone many vicissitudes and frustrations, the natural selection, the adaption and arduous labour, one branch of extremely highly-developed apes, known as early apes, finally brought about their gradual transition from Ape to Man.
…
As soon as human beings appeared, the human society took shape.
…
As early as 5,000 or 6,000 years ago, there were ancients living and multiplying in the Shanghai District. Scientists have unearthed more than twenty-five ancient sites ranging from the Neolithic Age to the Spring and Autumn and the Warring States Period, obtaining large numbers of precious cultural relics. This is a splendid local history created by our Shanghai ancients.

F-F-F-Fantastic! But not nearly as wonderful as my personal favourite, the Vertebrates Hall. On display was a sampling of the various ways in which Chinese people prepare for consumption many of the unique animals and plants to be found throughout China, for example:

Following that, you walk past a few moth-eaten stuffed mammals and birds, and see before you an enormous map of China, Tibet, East Turkestan, Inner Mongolia and Taiwan. This map has marked on it many of the species that Han Chinese have eaten to extinction during the last hundred years:

For a ‘developed modern city’ with a population of over twenty million citizens, the showcase of and richest city in a nation of one and a half billion citizens, a nation that can put people into space and can afford the world’s largest standing army, it’s all quite frankly a bloody disgrace. Granted, it only cost me five kuai to get in, but even so I felt ripped off. Chinese people, get your arses to the British Museum at once and see what Culture actually looks like. Alternatively, try any of the Smithsonian sites. Or take a look at some of your neighbours such as Japan or Thailand and see how they do it there. I didn’t see 5,000 years of culture reflected in “one of the largest museums of natural sciences in China“, what I saw was far nearer the 5,000 spam comments I’ve deleted from this blog.

And for that reason, I award the Shanghai Museum of Natural Sciences the inaugural Falling Cow Award:

Shanghai Museum of Natural Sciences – Falling Cow Award September 2008

Posted in Falling Cow Zone, Wet Pussy Awards | 2 Comments »

My Wet Pussy Award – August ’08

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, August 31, 2008

Poor China. It seems that no matter what it does, it’s wrong in the eyes of the Evil West. Poor China has long been the victim of foreign aggression, foreign discrimination, foreign conspiracies, foreign trade restrictions, and foreign media reporting. Poor China, indeed.

But hang on a moment. Poor China? Hasn’t China in fact been a net beneficiary of bias in all of the above cases? Foreign aggression, for instance: Since the country was founded in 1949 following the Communist Terrorist victory over the legally elected Government, China has invaded or initiated wars with East Turkestan, Tibet, Korea (against the UN), India (twice), Vietnam, Taiwan (Yachen, Quemoy, and Matsu Islands), Burma, and Russia, in the process nearly doubling the size of the country. They have sponsored terror in places as far-flung as Cambodia (Khmer Rouge), Peru (the Shining Path), the Philippines (New People’s Army), and India (Maoist Communist Party), not to mention supporting materially and financially people such as Osama Bin Laden. As for trade issues, China has long been known for an apparent inability to abide by any international agreement or treaty (take for instance the Treaty of Shimonoseki, in which China ceded Taiwan in perpetuity, and which China unilaterally abrogated). Or the opium trade, in which the Chinese Government was the primary force behind the growing, production, refining, selling and exporting of the narcotic substance (but for which the British were blamed when they, too, sold a little in order to try to restore the trade imbalance caused as a result of the Chinese Government’s reneging on international trade agreements). As for discrimination, I feel quite comfortable in saying without any hesitation whatsoever, that there’s no one on earth quite like the Chinese when it comes to discrimination. Really, there isn’t. Hell, I had a three-year-old (!) toddle up to me a couple of days ago whilst I was minding my own business, say “Wai Guo [foreigner]” to me, and try to spit on my foot (in response I picked up the little bastard with my left hand, and with my right gave him a smack on the arse so hard his grandchildren will be bruised, thus confirming that we foreign devils are not to be trifled with). And as for media bias… well, more on that shortly.

What has all this to do with Wet Pussies? In case you were unaware of it, Communist China has just hosted the Summer Olympics. For anyone who missed it, they were given this great honour by those wettest of pussies, the International Olympic Committee. It seemed an opportunity too good to pass up on – we in the West give them this opportunity to prove themselves ready to join the community of nations, and they in return promise to start acting like adults and not kill quite so many of their own people. And that was the deal, make no mistake about it. We in the West kept our side of the bargain…

In a way, it was a marriage made in heaven: the IOC, long known for being one of the most corruptible organisations in the world on the one hand, and on the other, Red China, probably the most brutal dictatorship in human history. Each on their own was utterly beyond contempt, and yet together they seemed to give each other such credibility – no wonder that Jacques Rogges was always so keen to meet his commie buddies in the KTV at Zhong Nan Hai.

Ah, Jacques. What a bastard you are. A lying, crooked, corrupt appeaser and in general terms a complete twat of the first water. I’d dearly love to award you this Wet Pussy Award for services to the Chinese Communist Party.

But unfortunately, I can’t.

Because, you see, there’s an even more deserving recipient, and that would be the Western Media, those same people who are so regularly accused of showing unfair bias against Poor China.

Oh sure, there are a few journalists and reporters who do know their topic, and who are not afraid to write the truth. Sadly, though, they are few and far between. For those of you who might read this, please understand that I value you all the more for it.

Let’s just go back to my opening remarks, shall we? When, in all those events, did China ever get the caning it so richly deserved from our media? Somehow, they’ve always managed to squeak through smelling, if not of roses exactly, at least not like the dogshit that they are. For hundreds of years they’ve had the benefit of doubt, they’ve been the poor underdog who just needed to be given a chance and a little encouragement, the child who always got let off lightly when he didn’t play well with others. And then they got the Olympics, and the harsh glare of the international media spotlight was upon them. And we let them off the hook again!

“Greece won the gold medal in doping”, said Jacques Rogges, and his words were faithfully reported around the world. But, how many reporters mentioned that the Greek athletes in question had had their dietary supplements laced with steroids, quite deliberately, by the Chinese company that produced them?

“Keep politics out of sport”, cried the Chinese Propaganda Ministry, and the media picked up the tune. How many reporters mentioned, even in passing, that China had boycotted more Olympics than any other nation in history?

“Protest Zones have been established in Beijing”, announced the Chinese Security Services, and the media loved it. Very few made much of a deal about the fact that not a single protest was ever approved, and that many of the applicants were taken directly to a slave labour camp for re-education.

Rogges again: “For the first time, foreign media will be able to report freely and publish their work freely in China. There will be no censorship on the Internet.” And our media loved that one. Well then, why didn’t they use the opportunity to exercise their new-found freedom, and report on the plight of the millions of people who are currently in Laogai slave labour camps for Re-education Through Hard Labour, and who are quite outside any legal system. Or report on the vast number of people who were sent to live in the countryside, so as to hide Beijing’s true squalor from the gaze of any Olympic visitors? How many reports did you read quoting stories of horror from the lips of Tibetan victims of torture and oppression? How many Uyghur’s were interviewed for their views on the illegal Chinese occupation of their country? I didn’t read a single report highlighting the fact that the face on the money is that of Mao Zedong, the greatest murderer in all of human history, who was proudly responsible for the deaths of more people than Hitler and Stalin combined? Did you just happen to miss that one, did you, media hacks?

Western Media, you are the people we trust to give us the truth, and who are, by dint of the sacrifices made by our forefathers, in a unique position to be allowed to do so. You have let us down again. You have conspired to support China once more at the expense of the truth, and for this you deserve nothing less than this Wet Pussy Award.

 

Oh yeah, and in case anyone thought I’d forgotten it, here’s yer Pair of Tits for August, while I’m at it:

Posted in Human Rights, Media, Propaganda, Wet Pussy Awards | 17 Comments »

My Wet Pussy (Musical Interlude)

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, July 31, 2008

Crikey Bruce! It’s well into August, and I still haven’t done anything about July’s Wet Pussy Award. In fact, there is a winner for July, but he/she/it is going to have to wait now until September (seeing as how August’s winner will almost certainly be an Olympics journalist visiting China for the first time).

In the meantime, let’s take a look back at a few previous holders of the trophy…

There was the inaugural winner, Daniel Newham. He truly is a cun… wet pussy, and won January’s award for his services to the Han Regime and their policies in occupied East Turkestan. February’s winner was the ‘Superstar Entertainer’ David Wu, who makes my life hell whenever I take a taxi in Shanghai. March’s award went to Ian Morrison, for his instructive insights into Chinese Democracy. April’s winner was Kim Beasley, but as he’s a politician, that should come as no shock. May starred the Un-Named Twat, for his habit of extorting money from other foreigners in collusion with the local goons and thugs (a.k.a. Police). June of course gave us Barry, who won because, well, because he is Barry.

What a line up, eh folks? Wet pussies, every one. And what should we do with Wet Pussies?

This.

Posted in Wet Pussy Awards | 1 Comment »

My Wet Pussy Award – June 2008

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, June 30, 2008

June’s award goes to Barry, for thinking that China isn’t such a bad place compared with the terrible places he has actually been. Places like Kuala Lumpur, Phuket, and Hong Kong – all of which were terrible places, apparently. He hasn’t actually ever been to China, but he knows it must be a nice place.

Which is fine, except when you’re thinking that on my time and on my lunch bill.

Fuck Barry.

Barry, Wet Pussy Award winner, June ’08.

Posted in Wet Pussy Awards | 7 Comments »

My Wet Pussy Award – May 2008

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, May 31, 2008

It’s a bit of a different story this month, and it took me a while to figure out how I was going to tell it. My apologies for being a couple of days late.

I have a friend who’s just gotten out of a Chinese Detention Centre. He was inside for a month, and what he went through was fairly horrific. He’s certainly not the man he was before he went in. Before I tell you a bit more of his story, however, I’d like to talk briefly about a few of the other foreigners that were in there at the same time.

There’s the guy, for instance, who made the mistake of being in a bar at the same time that a bar fight broke out between two groups of Chinese. He wasn’t involved in any way at all, but he was the one the Police picked up because he was the only customer who wasn’t a local. He was, in fact, a sailor on a container ship that had docked up the river, and this was his first visit to China. He spent every night crying and praying. He only got out when the Captain of his ship payed an enormous bribe to the prison guards.

Or the guy from South East Asia, who was picked up in a random sweep in the far west (Xinjiang to the locals, East Turkestan to the rest of the world). His crime was ‘looking like a separatist’. The local Police there, unwilling to admit they had picked up a foreigner by mistake, shipped him off to distant Shanghai. He’s been in for months, and has no prospect of getting out any time soon.

Then there’s the foreign investor whose Joint Venture partner, a corrupt member of the Shanghai Government, decided he wanted the whole operation for himself, and had this poor blighter arrested and put away.

Worst of all, the guy who has been inside for a year and a half. His crime? In the words of the guard who boasted to my friend: “He’s black, and we don’t like black people in China. We don’t want to let him out”.

None of these people – none of them – have ever been charged with any crime. None of them has, to the best of my knowledge, been allowed to see a lawyer. Their consulates don’t know they are in there. Their families haven’t heard from them. They have simply disappeared.

Which brings me to my friend.

He was in a bar with his colleagues after work early one evening, when a very large, very drunk American came over and accused his boss of stealing his drink. He was very obviously looking to start a fight. The target of his aggression offered to buy him another drink to replace the one he had lost, and the American went away after roundly abusing the entire group. Half an hour later he was back, and made to attack my friend. My friend threw up his arm to protect his face, and the glass he was holding nicked the American (but not badly, just enough to draw a little blood). After the American was restrained, my friend left quickly so as to avoid further incident, but apparently the American was able to find out where he worked and what his name was.

Several days later, my friend got an email from this American, which said “I’m gonna fuck you up”. That night, when he arrived home, the Police had set a trap for him, and whisked him away to the Detention Centre.

My friend was lucky – his girlfriend knew what happened to him. Why lucky? Because when the girlfriend went to the consulate, and the consulate went to the Police asking why they hadn’t filed the mandatory report with them, the Police denied any knowledge of the incident. They continued to deny knowing the whereabouts of my friend for a week, and when they finally admitted to knowing where he was, it took another week before they allowed Consular officials to see him, in clear violation of several international agreements. My friend was warned at this time not to say anything except that he was being treated well.

He was not being treated well, not by a long shot.

He was being subjected to intense political re-education, all day every day. No exercise, bright lights all the time, emotional abuse, you name it. He was placed in a small cell with half a dozen Chinese murderers who had also been subjected to the same political re-education, and who as a result harboured a particular hatred towards all foreigners. He ate stale rice and drank dirty water for a month. He slept on the floor. No showers, and one shave per week, with a blunt and bloodied razor that was used for the entire prison population (he refused to shave). Following the events in Sichuan recently, the guards came around and demanded that all prisoners sign a document ‘donating’ their money to the guards, for an ‘Earthquake Appeal’, and when my friend refused, the guards saw to it that all the other prisoners knew it.

My friend was not treated well. Not by a long shot.

He was released after his family agreed to pay the American 350,000 RMB (although he had originally demanded 1,000,000). That’s a lot of money.

And what about this mysterious American, the one who arranged for him to be there? Well, it turns out that this particular Yank has rather a history of doing this sort of thing to people. His modus operandi is to start fights with other foreigners, younger than himself and smaller in build, and then have them arrested. He either pays the Police a percentage or a set price, it isn’t clear which. And then he pockets the money and moves on to the next victim. A regular, old-fashioned, extortion racket. Just like in the old days.

This bastard lives in Shanghai, and has in fact been here for quite a few years. He is involved in real estate, and has a lot of local connections to help him do his dirty work. I know who this person is, I know what he looks like, I know where he works and where he lives, and I know what I’d like to see happen to him. My friend has asked that I don’t publish any of that, and I intend to respect his wishes. But I will also be hitting my knees on the floor every night, praying that this bastard gets his just desserts.

This Wet Pussy Award is for him.

Un-named Yank Bastard, Wet Pussy Award winner.

And where now are the righteous Chinese patriots, the ones who cry foul whenever China’s human rights record is questioned? I can only presume they are okay with their own Police and Party Officials colluding with this American, to extort money out of other foreigners. But hey, feel free to prove me wrong – until you do, I’ll go right on believing that the more things change, the more they stay the same.

And while I’m quoting others, here’s another one for you:

“Why is that camera off? You don’t know what you’re doing here, but maybe I know what I’m doing here. These people [the State] are risking their lives for us? I want to see what they’re going through, even if they don’t want us to. And I want other people to see it. What do you think they’re doing out there? Protecting and defending secrecy? That’s the world of Mao, the world of Stalin, the world of secret police, of secret trials, of secret deaths! You force the press into the cold, and all you will get is lies and innuendo, and nothing – nothing! – is worse for a free society than a press that is in service to the Military and the Politicians. Nothing! You turn that camera off when I tell you to turn it off! You think I give a damn what you think about me? You serve the People? So do I.”

Posted in China, Corruption, Human Rights, Wet Pussy Awards | 31 Comments »

My Wet Pussy Award – April 2008

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, April 30, 2008

It wasn’t enough for me this month to merely name some hopeless schmuk as a Wet Pussy, just because he had sided with the butchers in Beijing. Oh no, I wanted more. I wanted a bigger fish to fry, and by the Lords of Kobol I got it.

Now, to be perfectly Francis with you, I’ve always kind of liked the Kiwi’s. They play good rugby, drink good beer and plenty of it, can usually manage a laugh at themselves, and have a healthy disrespect of authority. I like that. I’ve also been to New Zealand, and it’s a very nice place indeed. Good huntin’ and fishin’ for those of us who’re into that sort of thing, amazing rivers and lakes and ocean and forest and snow, and all that good Nature stuff. And Hobbits, everybody likes Hobbits.

The thing is, I never thought I’d live to see the day when I’d side with the French over the New Zealanders. The French do have somewhat of a, er, shall we say reputation for, er, shall we say not always making the bravest or most moral decisions. I’m not saying that I hold that opinion myself, you understand, but it’s a reputation that precedes any French citizen, fairly or otherwise. And it’s a reputation that is diametrically different from that which the Kiwi’s possess. So you can imagine my shock and horror when the French honoured His Holiness the Dalai Lama with the keys to the city (Paris), and the Kiwi’s honoured Hu Jintao (a.k.a. the Butcher of Lhasa) with a Free Trade Agreement.

What the fuck were those idiots thinking? Why not simply give Poland to Hitler’s descendants? Same deal.

So, to my everlasting sadness, I was ready to award April’s Wet Pussy Award to New Zealand, when out of the blue, Australian politician and all-round fucktard Kim Beasley gives an interview on Chinese TV and, when asked about Australia’s position vis-a-vis Tibet, says: “Well, let’s get back to first principles. Everyone in the world knows that Tibet and Taiwan are now and have always been part of China.”

Mister Beasley, are you out of your tiny retarded fucking mind? Who the hell are you to speak for everybody in the world? You can’t even speak for the people of your own country, ever since your own party kicked you out of the hot seat. When I hear knuckleheads like you speaking, it reminds me of the joke about the Eighth Wonder of the World being an Australian in a bar… with his mouth shut.

Mister Beasley, how dare you sell out the tens of millions of poor sods in Taiwan and Tibet, who look to your country with hope? How dare you hand the murdering bastards in Beijing such a propaganda coup? Sure, it was a question that was hard to answer, so why answer it at all? You’re a politician! You’ve spent years not answering questions, distorting facts, telling lies – surely you could have kept yer trap shut just this once? What the Hell were you thinking? Mister Beasley, pray you never run into me in a bar, unless you want to be picking up your teeth with broken fingers, then walking to the dentist’s on broken legs.

Mister Beasley, it is my greatest pleasure to be able to sling this Wet Pussy Award at you. I hope you go and choke on it.

Kim Beasley, Wet Pussy Award winner and right bastard.

Posted in Annexed Territories, Wet Pussy Awards | 39 Comments »

Next Post

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, April 7, 2008

March’s Wet Pussy Award is up now.

Sorry for the delay… I just tunneled out of the Provincial No.9 Laogai slave labour camp (a.k.a. Shangzhenzi Farm) and there wasn’t any WiFi in the tunnel.

Posted in Wet Pussy Awards | 1 Comment »