Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

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Could YOU be a CCP Official?

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, July 27, 2009

The recent examinations are over, and now three quarters of a million young men and women are anxiously waiting to hear whether they have been accepted for this years intake into the Chinese Imperial Service.

It’s a big deal: no other position on Earth offers the same opportunities for graft and corruption, no other nation in history has endowed it’s officials with such vast powers over the lives of mere mortals, and no other job in existence is as financially rewarding for what amounts to virtually no work whatsoever. Imagine it – all you have to do is lick the brown star of your superiors and hail the red star of your Party, and in return the world is the mollusc of your choice, the masses forced to cater to your every whim for the rest of their worthless and miserable lives. It’s really no wonder the competition is so tough.

But not everybody is cut out to be a Chinese Communist Party Official. The slightest hint of moral compunction, for instance, would rule you out on the spot, thus denying any foreigner the opportunity. And many Chinese, for whom morality is a alien concept, are still disqualified by the fact that they do not have the right connections. In China, it isn’t who you know, it’s who you blow.

So, do YOU have the right stuff? Do YOU have what it takes to be an Official of the Empire? Take this simple test to find out…

Could YOU be a CCP Official?

1. A coal mine that you privately own suffers a collapse, burying nearly six hundred miners. Many are believed to still be alive, trapped in a small air pocket. What do you do?

a. Mobilise every man, woman and child! We must save every miner! When we have time, conduct an intensive and exhaustive review on mine safety, and get me a pick axe – I’m going in myself!

b. Mobilise every man, woman and child! I don’t really know what for, but it will look good if my superiors find out about this disaster!

c.
Mobilise every man, woman and child! Every moment that pit stays closed I lose money! Bring slave labour from the nearest camp to help with the effort, and have these pesky reporters taken out back and shot!

*

2. A recent audit has found evidence of serious irregularities in your county books. What do you do?

a. We must get to the bottom of this. Inform the Police and the Prosecutor, and begin your own investigations.

b. We must get to the bottom of this. Inform the Police and the Prosecutor, and decide quickly which of your underlings you must sacrifice.

c. We must get to the bottom of this. Inform the Police and the Prosecutor, and decide quickly which of your underlings you must sacrifice. If any have beautiful wives, this could also be the perfect opportunity to force them into having sex with you, for the sake of their husband and children.

*

3. A real estate development in your district has suffered a building collapse. It’s going to be hard to hide the fact, as photos are all over the internet and the international media has picked up the story. What do you say?

a. “This is indeed a tragedy. I am saddened by the terrible loss of life, and I promise an independent investigation at once.”

b. “This is indeed a tragedy. I stood to make a large profit on that development, and now it appears as though the project will have to be put on hold, at least until such time as we can find more workers.”

c. “This is indeed a tragedy. Foreign forces and splittist elements have conspired to hurt the feeling of the Chinese people. Dalai and Rebiya Kadeer will not succeed against the historical facts. Harmonious nature is our Chinese way and China has always been a peaceful country since ancient times. Also, I stood to make a large profit on that development, and now it appears as though the project will have to be put on hold, at least until such time as we can find more workers.”

*

4. Central Government is demanding steel production be set to double within the year, most of the increase coming through backyard steel furnaces. What do you do?

a. We must serve the people! Hire foreign experts and invest in new technology in order to meet our quota.

b. We must serve the people! The masses should mobilise to work as hard as possible, in order to produce as much steel as possible, before the rice harvest is due.

b. We must serve the people! Huge efforts on the part of peasants and other workers must be made to produce steel out of scrap metal. To fuel the furnaces the local environment must be denuded of trees and wood taken from the doors and furniture of peasants’ houses. Pots, pans, and other metal items must be requisitioned to supply the scrap for the furnaces, so that the wildly optimistic production targets can be met. Farmers and workers at factories, schools and even hospitals will be diverted to help.

*

5. At a Press Conference, you are asked about internet censorship. This is a tricky one – how do you respond?

a. “The Internet must be safe for our young people. I support a program of educating parents and the young, and trust that the people themselves will be wise enough to know what is right for them.”

b. “The Internet must be safe for our young people. Development and administration of Internet culture must stick to the direction of socialist advanced culture, adhere to correct propaganda guidance, and Internet cultural units must conscientiously take on the responsibility of encouraging development of a system of core socialist values.”

c. “The Internet must be safe for our young people. International claims that our country tramples Internet and media freedoms stem from a cultural misunderstanding of the role the press plays in Chinese society, where news media must work with the government. Chinese websites offer probably the freest forum for opinion in the world. Web sites should only republish information from the Xinhua News Agency, and should not open forums, blogs and interactive columns to discuss this.”

*

How did you score?

Mostly a’s. I hope you like coal, you’ll be digging plenty of it! You are a soft and weak! Bloody and damn! Send you to Laogai at once!

Mostly b’s. I hope you like rice, you’re going to the countryside to learn correct Socialist Values! You’re getting there, young grasshopper, but you are not a Jedi yet.

Mostly c’s. I hope you like power, for you are ready to abuse it! Serve the Party, screw the people, eh comrade?

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13 Responses to “Could YOU be a CCP Official?”

  1. Josh said

    *clapping silently…

    -Well done, sir.

  2. C.A. Yeung said

    None of your suggested answers for #5 resembles what a top CCP official will say. For a start, you are too polite. A real expert asshole will not beat around the bush to make apologise for his party. He’ll simply say:

    “I answered this question at the last regular press conference and here I’d like to reiterate my answer briefly. The Internet in China is fully open and the Chinese Government manages the Internet according to the law. As for what you can and cannot read, read what you can read, and don’t read what you cannot read. Everything I need to say on the subject, I have already said, so I have nothing to add to the matter. Okay. Next question.” – Qin Gang, Spokesman for China’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs.

  3. LoveChinaLongTime said

    Answer choice d. for every question should have been “LOL” and “ha ha” showing your true aptitude as a CCP wannabe in getting humor from your own thoughts and comments…

  4. MyLaowai said

    :(

    I was particularly proud of #5, given that all the answers were composites of actual quotations.

  5. Neddy said

    Yes, you too can be a CCP official! But MyLaowai’s excellent little quiz only scratches the surface of what it takes to become one.
    In words of a Xiamen University professor, Yi Zhongtian: “If you are not retarded, you cannot be an official in China”. Tough!
    http://shanghaiist.com/2009/07/23/if_you_are_not_retarded_you_cannot.php
    Alright, he does not actually say the words “in China”, but here we can reasonably assume he doesn’t see it necessary to a) state the obvious, and b) risk an arrest.

  6. Neddy said

    Another good way of saying “If you are not retarded, you cannot be an official…” is “If you are not a passionate idiot…” (see the last paragraph):
    http://chinadigitaltimes.net/2009/07/from-chinese-twitterers-internet-supervision-officials-theory-of-local-truth/
    Also, see the above CDT item for an interesting idea of “Theory of Local Truth”… with Chinese characteristics, of course.

  7. Ned Kelly said

    The Communist custom of exterminating all of the most intelligent, talented and cultured people might have something to do with that.

  8. Neddy said

    Right, Ned. Then, when the shit hits the fan, they blame “mass incidents” on “people who don’t know the truth” (lovely expression, TM of CCP)
    http://www.danwei.org/front_page_of_the_day/blaming_people_not_knowing_the.php
    And they are right: These incidents happen because people only suspect the truth. If they actually knew it, they would go apeshit!

  9. … and I promise an independent investigation at once
    Come on, that would be retarded, too. An independent investigation by whom? Don’t you know that an independent investigation would be an interference into China’s internal affairs?

  10. MyLaowai said

    …Hence the [a].

  11. Ned Kelly said

    Surely the most expeditious way for China to solve the problem of lack of transparency would be to hire an American “Foreign Editor” for Global Times?

  12. Priceless post ML!

  13. Ned Kelly said

    A prominent American China blogger (anonymous) offers the following perspective on his experiences working for the CCP’s Propaganda Department: http://underthejacaranda.wordpress.com/2009/08/03/guest-post-by-a-loathsome-coward/

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