Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

The recent examinations are over, and now three quarters of a million young men and women are anxiously waiting to hear whether they have been accepted for this years intake into the Chinese Imperial Service.

It’s a big deal: no other position on Earth offers the same opportunities for graft and corruption, no other nation in history has endowed it’s officials with such vast powers over the lives of mere mortals, and no other job in existence is as financially rewarding for what amounts to virtually no work whatsoever. Imagine it – all you have to do is lick the brown star of your superiors and hail the red star of your Party, and in return the world is the mollusc of your choice, the masses forced to cater to your every whim for the rest of their worthless and miserable lives. It’s really no wonder the competition is so tough.

But not everybody is cut out to be a Chinese Communist Party Official. The slightest hint of moral compunction, for instance, would rule you out on the spot, thus denying any foreigner the opportunity. And many Chinese, for whom morality is a alien concept, are still disqualified by the fact that they do not have the right connections. In China, it isn’t who you know, it’s who you blow.

So, do YOU have the right stuff? Do YOU have what it takes to be an Official of the Empire? Take this simple test to find out…

Could YOU be a CCP Official?

1. A coal mine that you privately own suffers a collapse, burying nearly six hundred miners. Many are believed to still be alive, trapped in a small air pocket. What do you do?

a. Mobilise every man, woman and child! We must save every miner! When we have time, conduct an intensive and exhaustive review on mine safety, and get me a pick axe – I’m going in myself!

b. Mobilise every man, woman and child! I don’t really know what for, but it will look good if my superiors find out about this disaster!

c. Mobilise every man, woman and child! Every moment that pit stays closed I lose money! Bring slave labour from the nearest camp to help with the effort, and have these pesky reporters taken out back and shot!

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2. A recent audit has found evidence of serious irregularities in your county books. What do you do?

a. We must get to the bottom of this. Inform the Police and the Prosecutor, and begin your own investigations.

b. We must get to the bottom of this. Inform the Police and the Prosecutor, and decide quickly which of your underlings you must sacrifice.

c. We must get to the bottom of this. Inform the Police and the Prosecutor, and decide quickly which of your underlings you must sacrifice. If any have beautiful wives, this could also be the perfect opportunity to force them into having sex with you, for the sake of their husband and children.

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3. A real estate development in your district has suffered a building collapse. It’s going to be hard to hide the fact, as photos are all over the internet and the international media has picked up the story. What do you say?

a. “This is indeed a tragedy. I am saddened by the terrible loss of life, and I promise an independent investigation at once.”

b. “This is indeed a tragedy. I stood to make a large profit on that development, and now it appears as though the project will have to be put on hold, at least until such time as we can find more workers.”

c. “This is indeed a tragedy. Foreign forces and splittist elements have conspired to hurt the feeling of the Chinese people. Dalai and Rebiya Kadeer will not succeed against the historical facts. Harmonious nature is our Chinese way and China has always been a peaceful country since ancient times. Also, I stood to make a large profit on that development, and now it appears as though the project will have to be put on hold, at least until such time as we can find more workers.”

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4. Central Government is demanding steel production be set to double within the year, most of the increase coming through backyard steel furnaces. What do you do?

a. We must serve the people! Hire foreign experts and invest in new technology in order to meet our quota.

b. We must serve the people! The masses should mobilise to work as hard as possible, in order to produce as much steel as possible, before the rice harvest is due.

b. We must serve the people! Huge efforts on the part of peasants and other workers must be made to produce steel out of scrap metal. To fuel the furnaces the local environment must be denuded of trees and wood taken from the doors and furniture of peasants’ houses. Pots, pans, and other metal items must be requisitioned to supply the scrap for the furnaces, so that the wildly optimistic production targets can be met. Farmers and workers at factories, schools and even hospitals will be diverted to help.

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5. At a Press Conference, you are asked about internet censorship. This is a tricky one – how do you respond?

a. “The Internet must be safe for our young people. I support a program of educating parents and the young, and trust that the people themselves will be wise enough to know what is right for them.”

b. “The Internet must be safe for our young people. Development and administration of Internet culture must stick to the direction of socialist advanced culture, adhere to correct propaganda guidance, and Internet cultural units must conscientiously take on the responsibility of encouraging development of a system of core socialist values.”

c. “The Internet must be safe for our young people. International claims that our country tramples Internet and media freedoms stem from a cultural misunderstanding of the role the press plays in Chinese society, where news media must work with the government. Chinese websites offer probably the freest forum for opinion in the world. Web sites should only republish information from the Xinhua News Agency, and should not open forums, blogs and interactive columns to discuss this.”

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How did you score?

Mostly a’s. I hope you like coal, you’ll be digging plenty of it! You are a soft and weak! Bloody and damn! Send you to Laogai at once!

Mostly b’s. I hope you like rice, you’re going to the countryside to learn correct Socialist Values! You’re getting there, young grasshopper, but you are not a Jedi yet.

Mostly c’s. I hope you like power, for you are ready to abuse it! Serve the Party, screw the people, eh comrade?