MyLaowai’s Book Of Helpful Help
Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, August 3, 2009
Dear Chinese boys,
It has come to my attention that many of you are quite upset about the fact that ‘your’ Chinese girls are more attracted to ‘foreigner’ boys than they are to you. For reasons that must make sense to you, you seem to feel that the best way to deal with this unhappy situation is for foreigners to be kicked out of China (or indeed, kicked out of any country in which you choose to live), and then to persecute the girls in question, for ‘diluting the race’, whatever that means.
But let us be fair. After all, who can blame these girls? It’s been my experience that pretty much every Chinese girl who has come into contact with a boy from another country has formed a distinct preference for the foreign boy, almost without exception, so surely there must be valid and compelling reasons, right? Why not look first at the reasons why such a situation could arise, and then do something about it?
Now, MyLaowai has been described as ‘the Mother Teresa of China‘, and I am here to help. I want to show you Chinese boys that foreigners don’t just have big dicks, they have big hearts as well. So here it is, boys, a short list of some of the ways in which you can lift your game. With practice, you may find that you, too, can have a Chinese girlfriend.
Please do note that this list is not an exhaustive one. Please also note that if you require clarification on any of these points, you need only send me an email. Alternatively, you could try actually asking a girl for her opinion on the subject.
1. Wash. This is a big deal for girls – they have this strange obsession with boys who wash more than once a year. To be perfectly frank, I’d advise washing more than once a week. Hell, wash most days and see where it gets you. You will probably want to use soap as well as water, and pay attention to the parts of your body that have never before seen a shower (i.e. the parts covered in skin). Now, I am not insensitive to your cultural values, so if you don’t want your parents, teachers, government, and doctor to find out about this seditious activity, wash at a time when no one else is at home – a good time would be during the day when Dad is at work and Mom is over at the English teacher’s home.
2. Brush your teeth. I am aware that kissing is not a part of Chinese culture, but that’s only because you’ve never tried it. And the reason why you haven’t tried it is because your mouth smells like a mushroom farm, and no girl with a nose wants to get near it. Here’s a hint: if the flowers across the room wilt when you exhale, then you need to brush your teeth. For best results MyLaowai recommends using a toothbrush, toothpaste, and a generous application of rot-removing brushing no less than three times a day. Swilling a cup of old green tea around your rotting gums just does not produce the same results, sorry.
3. Get properly dressed. Roll your shirt down – midriff tops are not the look you should be attempting to recreate – and tuck it in. Roll down your trouser legs too – if that’s just too hot, buy a pair of shorts. And for the love of all that’s Holy, stop wearing white socks or nylon stockings with scuffed black shoes. Sheesh man, smarten up! Note: If you are a grandfather AND you are over the age of 75, then you are permitted to have your belt around your nipples. If you’re not, then you’re not.
4. Learn to walk. This involves lifting your feet from the ground, thus this tip could also be referred to as Stop Shuffling. You can further improve your chances by actually walking in a straight line, and not weaving all over the parish. Finally, aim for your average walking speed to be slightly faster than that of a dead slug on valium. I would go on to advanced concepts like walking with a spring in your step, but I don’t want to overload your neuron.
5. When at the gym, don’t spend an hour and a half blow-drying your pubes. When going to the toilet, use a toilet. Flushing it after use wouldn’t be a bad idea, either. When you want to hawk a loogie, just don’t. Use a bin for your litter. In short: try acting like a civilised person. I’ve said enough on this topic.
6. ‘Our Chinese Girls’ is bullshit. No girl belongs to you, and the days when you could bind their feet to keep them at home are long gone, Sparky. If you want her, best you be prepared to get her on your own merits. In the same vein, girls are more important than their family. This means that it doesn’t matter whether their entire extended fucking family can accept your entire extended fucking family, as long as she can accept you and you can accept her. That’s it, pure and simple. A girl who is with you because you managed to get your uncle to apply pressure to some luckless schmuck, who then gave a better job to her father’s friend’s babysitter’s dog’s keeper, is a girl who will be taking dictation with Johnny Laowai in no time at all.
7. Girls are not only interested in your assets. True, I will grant you that most girls in most cultures are fairly mercenary, and nowhere more so than in Asia, and large wads of cash never hurt your cause, but believe it or not, some girls actually are also interested in getting to know the person who is hoping to get to know them in the biblical sense of the word. Put another way, try talking about something other than how rich you are, your apartment, your business, your blah blah blah… Even better, and this may be a strange concept to absorb, try NOT talking about yourself at all, and instead asking about her. Listening to her answers is advised.
8. About your, erm, assets. This is a delicate subject, I know. Fate has not been kind to the men of the Middle Kingdom, and there isn’t much you can do about it in most cases. Being caught short is a terrible embarrassment to have to live with, and you have my deepest sympathy. However, just because your Little Friend can’t please her, it doesn’t mean that she can’t be pleased – this is a family friendly forum and so I can’t go into too many details, but suffice to say that there is a large body of media resources available to you.
9. If you can’t drink, don’t drink. Nothing is less impressive to a girl than a boy trying to be a man, and failing so miserably at it that she has to carry him home. Being covered in his chunder is not conducive to romance, either. Personally, I’d leave off the baijiu altogether, and concentrate instead on either understanding that wine is made from grapes (and not from, say, distilled grain liquor), or on how to make a martini. Proposing a toast to her never hurts.
10. The world isn’t about you. It also isn’t about China. Learn something of it, something not immediately related to making money. Learn about the history of the ancient Greeks, or the Amazon river, or how solar power works, or how insects breathe, or why the day is 24 hours long, or any of a billion other things. Knowing things for their own sake makes you a more interesting person to be around. Who knows, if you only manage to stop beating your sunken chest long enough to learn something about life, maybe a girl might actually want to talk to you for once? Give it a try.
All these invaluable tips and much more will be available in MyLaowai’s Book Of Helpful Help, available soon at all good foreign book stores.
Good luck, boys.