Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

MyLaowai’s Book – Supplemental Section

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, August 14, 2009

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Dear Chinese girls,

So you want to marry a laowai huh? Well, there is quite a bit of work for you ladies to do as well before you are even close to being suitable LONG TERM partners. Yes, that’s right, the reason the door was locked when you tried to visit is because your Chinese characteristics were deemed unsuitable for long term investment by the more discerning laowai.

Of course, it is only natural that you should want a partner who belongs to the more civilised laowai demographic, but you have to make a few changes. Merely trying to blackmail the poor bastard won’t work – you simply aren’t smart enough and don’t have enough guanxi to score a small bottle of ereguotuo. Yes, hybrid babies are lovely, cute and healthy – and many laowai would love to start a family. But that does not mean we will put up with the world of paranoid delusions that you call day to day living in China.

But let us be fair. After all, who can blame these girls? It’s been my experience that pretty much every Chinese girl who has come into contact with a boy from her country has realised that she can get away with murder so long as she puts out a few times a week for the 30 seconds of greasy grope that passes for native sex. Well, until said boy finds his next KTV girl at any rate.

Now, DaBizzare has been described as ‘the male Germaine Greer of China’, and I am here to help. I want to show you Chinese girls that foreigners don’t just have foreign passports, they have standards as well. So here it is, girls, a short list of some of the ways in which you can lift your game. With practice, you may find that you, too, can actually keep a laowai boyfriend for a long time and maybe even convert him into a loving and devoted husband.

Please do note that this list is not an exhaustive one. Please also note that if you require clarification on any of these points, you need only try actually asking a laowai for his opinion on the subject.

1. Wash. This is a big deal for most laowai’s, although maybe some of our British peers [and possibly also British Peers – Ed] can tolerate you doing so twice weekly, most of the rest of us prefer daily, and especially after strenuous exercise. It doesn’t matter if you are from Northern China where the cultural imperative is to be fragrant and save valuable water so the baijiu factories can keep up their production quotas; a whiff of stale quiff will ruin a stiff. Your local laowai will be more than happy to let you use his shower upon arrival every time and will gladly foot the bill for your aqueous ablutions.

2. Shave. Underarm hair is not attractive, and quite frankly, heading a bit further south of there, not every laowai is called Dr Livingstone or Indiana Jones, and therefore is not carrying a machete to crop your jungle growth. Again, if razors seem prohibitively expensive, your local laowai will be more than happy to supply you one – NO! Do NOT use the same one he uses on his face! – for your own personal use. If you are still having trouble, drop in and see me, I’ll personally see to it you are suitably trimmed.

3. Get properly dressed. This means matching colours and not looking like you lost at a dye fight. Be careful of the English slogans on your shirt; “I put out for truckers” or “I love sex” are not conducive to a long term relationship. Those 3 inch hats pinned to the side of your head are DEFINITELY OUT. Also, those stupid dresses that have the waistline lifted to just below your breasts to try and give the illusion that you have long legs are a definite ‘no’ as well, and in a similar vein, looking like a sack just doesn’t cut it either: it makes you look pregnant. If there is no gather under the breasts, don’t buy it. Hugely padded bras are a plan guaranteed to misfire: if Joe Laowai likes big tits [or even any tits at all – Ed] and is fooled by your padding, when he gets you home and finds out that your funbags disappear when you undress then you are extremely unlikely to get invited back again. Lying on any level just doesn’t pay for the long haul, although you may get lucky and get a taste of long schlong for a single evening.

4. Learn to walk. This involves lifting your feet from the ground, thus this tip could also be referred to as Stop Shuffling. You can further improve your chances by actually walking in a straight line, and not weaving all over the shire. Finally, aim for your average walking speed to be slightly faster than that of a dead snail on morphine. I would go on to advanced concepts like avoiding the zombie stomp, but I don’t want to overload your neuron. [No, I would definitely recommend not doing the stompy thing, and risk the integrity of the neuron – Ed]

5. When your nose is itchy, don’t insert your finger up to the second joint. When going to the toilet, use a toilet. Western style toilets are for sitting on, not squatting on top of. Flushing it after use wouldn’t be a bad idea, either. When you want to hawk a loogie, just don’t. Use a bin for your litter. In short: try acting like a civilised person. I’ve said enough on this topic.

6. ‘Chinese boys would give me a house and a car’ is bullshit. Chinese boys would be lucky to give the time of day if they could work it out for themselves. We laowai are not stupid, girls, and you can’t expect us to swallow lines like ‘No Chinese girl has sex before she marries’ or ‘This is my first time’. No, we won’t pay for your second cousin’s dog-catcher’s nephew’s house because ‘that is what is expected of Chinese families’ and if your old man comes around to attempt to strong-arm us into coughing up for his Ferrari you can expect your access privileges to be instantly revoked [the same applies in the far more likely event of the vehicle being a Santana, Jiali, or other local dog-box – Ed]. The “you have had sex with me so now you must marry me” doesn’t work on Chinese fucktards, so don’t expect us to fall for it either.

7. Questions like “When can we move to your homeland”, “Do you own a house overseas”, “I really want to leave China” and so on leave Joe Laowai with the distinct impression that he is being used for his passport. Believe it or not, we want a girl to love us for whom we are.

8. About your, erm, assets. This is a delicate subject, I know. Fate has not been kind to the women of the Middle Kingdom, and there isn’t much you can do about it in most cases. Please, don’t go getting your legs broken, stretched and re-pinned. Don’t go getting that eyelid operation. If it fucks up, my God, even a northern Chinese farmer wouldn’t touch you. The emaciated waif look is not at all attractive, laowai are big, strong men and we are afraid we will snap you in half if we take you to bed. Eat well, get some curves and do some exercise, drink a little beer, and watch those boobies grow.

9. If you can’t dance, don’t dance. Nothing is less impressive to a boy than a girl trying to be graceful, and failing so miserably at it that he has to sneak out the back door while she simulates a convulsing epileptic. Just pour the lad a beer without too much head on it and he’ll love you forever.

10. The world isn’t about you. It also isn’t about China. Learn something of it, something not immediately related to parting Joe Laowai from his hard-earned cash. Learn about the history of the ancient Romans, or the Nile river, or how a light bulb works, or how insects breed, or why a year is 365.25 days long, or any of a billion other things. Knowing things for their own sake makes you a more interesting person to be around. Who knows, if you only manage to stop beating your flat chest long enough to learn something about life, maybe a boy might actually want to talk to you for once? Give it a try.

All these invaluable tips and much more will be available in MyLaowai’s Book Of Helpful Help [Supplemental Section], available soon at all good foreign book stores.

Good luck, girls.

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17 Responses to “MyLaowai’s Book – Supplemental Section”

  1. It takes a statement like this to show how Stoogie is talking out of his/her ass.

    http://www.altpenis.com/penis_news/global_penis_size_survey.shtml

    Here you go, since the readership here is that pathetic.

    Not only do Korean boys (6.2 inches) tower over Americans, (5.0) so do the Japanese (5.1). In fact, the only white “race” to surpass the Korean college boy measurement are the French… and that’s because they are more aroused at the prospect of their genitals being handled by other men. I’m sure the opposite effect took place on the Arab measurements, there is a reason why all the white whores are flocking to Arab men (and fraudulently calling it “rape” afterwards).

    To be smaller than the Japanese who are on average 5′8.5″… wow, that’s gotta hurt.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/IQ_and_Global_Inequality

    North and East Asian IQs also tower over white IQs, ranging 105-116 while whites average 92-99. If you want more proof of white racial inferiority, feel free to ask. I have many more statistics showing your high cancer, diabetes and AIDS death rates. Color blindness, dull sense of taste and a low prevalence of perfect pitch are also present in your long list of inherent racial defects.

    I’ve been to the North of China. The average height still seemed to be pretty much short arsed – with pot bellies and dirty T-shirts.

    Why do Beijing people look so poor and dirty?

    They’re definitely cleaner than the average gap-toothed, cross eyed, overweight Neanderthal that now waddles around in the Americas. As for Europeans, apparently Arab and African men demand that their disposable manwhores “clean out”.

    Anyway, the Japanese think that China is a nation of peasants.

    Which Japanese are you talking about? Japanese intellectuals, women, teachers and businessmen among others are fairly pro-China. The common rabble of most countries are susceptible to kike and honkey brainwashing. Not surprisingly, you are well acquainted with them.

    Let me tell you something about the Japanese. The superior, ruling class of Japanese spits on the white race and can’t wait to see America crumble. Stay tuned for the August 30th elections.

    Brain size:

    http://books.google.com/books?id=EuAdZXAA9AgC&pg=PA72&lpg=PA72&dq=cranial+capacity+by+race&source=bl&ots=m4fpOgnGol&sig=LnDlYD_4d_4wTRDQz9Sc4CO2nZQ&hl=en&ei=gI6FSvHUEZPDlAeb-PmCBQ&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=8#v=onepage&q=&f=false

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_distribution_of_wealth

    Note that the Japanese and Hong Kongers were already wealthier than pathetic Americans *before* it dropped to pre-1999 levels during this financial crisis.

    The whole reason why this blog exists is because you’re a bunch of spurned, overweight, mentally retarded kikes and honkey parasites fleeing your collapsing empire. If you wanted to live out the rest of your days as a acting pedophile with yellow fever you should have gone to Thailand to “teach English”, not China or Japan where the people there are you intellectual, financial, cultural, historical, moral and penile superiors.

  2. LoveChinaLongTime said

    To be fair, I recently told a Chinee honee all about how “Animal Farm” is one of modern literature’s most amazing works and how it is pertinent to “modern China” (some animals are more equal than others, etc).

    She soon after went online, bought a Chinee copy, read it all in a couple days and was duly impressed and depressed from the experience and how it parallels her country’s current state.

  3. Slap2tickle said

    I like the way that equality in China gets categorised, everybody in China is equal, with exception to the officials and farmers, and anybody else to that matter.

  4. MyLaowai said

    I for one reckon Chinese birds are head-and-shoulders better than the vast majority of the blokes. I’d not easily hire a local male for any job at all, but the girls at least would get an interview, for the simple reason that there is the chance that they might not rip me off, and may even work a bit.

    Truth is, in my many years here, and with all the tens of thousands of people I have met both professionally and privately, there’s not more a tiny handful of local lads that I have any respect for at all, two or three perhaps (although they get bonus points for bucking the trend). There would be maybe twenty or so local girls I’d be happy to recommend.

    It is worrying, however, when you find yourself going on to a colleague about how good some local hire is, when you suddenly realise that in the West they would be rated Special Needs. It puts things in perspective.

  5. S said

    which number applies to Mrs mylaowai? all of the above ?

  6. MyFenwai said

    That still makes local men better than the average white, 99.99999% of which are worthless subhuman trash worthy of extermination!

  7. LoveChinaLongTime said

    Weak.

    Self Loather, you gotta up your game, man. That was pathetic.

  8. MyFenwai said

    Butthurt, “English teaching” peasant, be quiet when the humans are talking.

  9. Eric D said

    It is worrying, however, when you find yourself going on to a colleague about how good some local hire is, when you suddenly realise that in the West they would be rated Special Needs. It puts things in perspective.

    It’s sometimes to the point when you’re impressed by how well someone works at their job, only to realize that this is actually only average work done elsewhere in the world. Not all, mind you. But some.

  10. Slap2tickle said

    @ 8 Not when 99.99999% of the local men arrive for an interview in jeans, sports shoes and scruffy dirty T-shirts knowing nothing about the company they are applying for, I’ll give the local women a little more credit in that respect with maybe 80% arriving at least dressed in a half decent fashion, even if they haven’t shaved their arm pits, speaking from experience of course.

  11. MyFenwai said

    That’s good. Apparently the Japanese have no problem hiring people in jeans and hairy armpits. That’s why their kicking your ass in the auto markets :)

  12. Scoobydo said

    “That’s good. Apparently the Japanese have no problem hiring people in jeans and hairy armpits. That’s why their kicking your ass in the auto markets

    MyHuangJiBa”

    The Japanese think that the only Chinese people in Japan are either hookers or gangsters. Well, I say gangsters. Chinese gangsters only prey on other Chinese people because otherwise they would get their arse kicked. How come Chinese gangsters only frighten Chinese people?

  13. MyFenwai said

    Chinese gangsters don’t frighten anyone. That’s because Chinese gangsters have higher moral standards than the average white person, and also smell better.

    As for “Japanese people”, like I said before, the vulgar and common type has that kind of belief. The elites are the ones who are welcoming the Chinese immigrants.

  14. Tai De said

    Dabizzare: most Turkmenian ladies here in Central Europe on the other hand are civilized and do shave their armpits, and … else. Hairy Inci is a rare exception.

  15. Tai De – farking racist that you are. Fürschte Allah. Hairy Inci is for us only.

  16. taide said

    The ones I know are for everyone. Canan, Hatice, Inci… I believe the most recent one was your anne.

  17. justrecently said

    Convert to the only true religion and marry her, or I’ll make you hospital.

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