Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

It’s Christmas (in the Philippines)

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Dear Filipino people,

By now you must surely be aware that it is September, the first month after June that ends in -er. Therefore, and ergo, it is time to put up your Christmas decorations. After all, they’ve been packed away since April, and we wouldn’t want them to gather dust, would we?

I do love the Filipino people and their devotion to tiresome and depressing Catholic festivals. No one else even bothers any more. And it isn’t just the cult-Christian festivals they celebrate, either. Oh, no! There isn’t a barrio in existence that doesn’t have it’s own festival for something-or-other, from MacArthur’s ‘return’ to celebrating endangered plants and animals. Best of all is the weekly festival in which they overthrow their government for corruption and excess shoe consumption, and replace it with an entirely new government (which will be overthrown the following weekend for corruption and excess shoe consumption).

Honestly, it’s wonderful.

Here’s a short-list of the more popular festivals, which the Filipino people enthusiastically celebrate:

Feast Of The Black Nazarene, Biniray, Lingayen Gulf Landing, Ati-Atihan, Tultugan, Sinulog, Caracol Sa Makati, Vigan Town Fiesta, Apribada, Dinagyang, Hot Air Balloon, Feast Of Our Lady Of Candles, Festival Of Hearts, Laoag City And Province (Pamulinawen), San Fernando, La Union, Tinagba, International Bamboo Organ, Tawo, Dia De Zamboanga, Panagbenga, Santiago City Arts Month, Sambalilo, Suman, Kalilangan, Itik-Itik, Sibug Festival, Kaamulan, Arya Abra, Sandugo, Araw Ng Dabaw, Pintados De Pasi, Homonhon Landing, Mt. Manunggal, Sinigayan, First Mass In The Philippines, Easter, Moriones, Lenten Festival Of Herbal Preparation, Semana Santa, Agoo Semana Santa, Salubong, Cutud Lenten Rites, Kalilang, Kadaugan Sa, Mactan, Tanduyong, Conquer Mt. Apo, Bankarera, Cassava, Binirayan, Pasalamat La Carlota, Tapusan, Bohol, Pista’y Dayat, Alinsangan Boa-Boahan, Carabao Carroza Race, Rodeo Pilipino, Pahiyas, Magayon, Pineapple, Flores De Mayo / Santacruzan, Hundred Islands, Manggahan Sa Guimaras, Bolibong Kingking, Panagyaman, Antipolo Pilgrimage, Bangkero, Pahiyas/Mayon/Agawan, Mudpack Festival, Pinyahan Sa Daet, Parada Ng Lechon, Tacloban Pintados Festival, Buklog, Baragatan, Pili, Taong-Putik, Araw Ng Maynila, Sublian Sa Batangas, Sandugo Festival, Kinabayo Festival, Feast Of Our Lady Of Piat, Sagayan, Pagoda, Cordillera Day, Pinta Flores, Tinalak, Simbalay, Kadayawan Sa Dabaw, Adlaw Hong Butuan, Palo, Kaadlawan Han Samar, Kalibongan, Kidapawan Fruit, Lubi-Lubi, Buyogan, Bonok-Bonok Festival & Silop Cave Adventure, Peñafrancia Viva La Virgen, Tuna Sa Gensan, Sarakiki, Panagdadapun, T’boli Tribal, Araw Ng Siquijor, Zamboanga Hermosa Festival, Masskara Festival, Lanzones Festival, Siargao Surfing Cup, Ibalong, La Naval, Catandungan, A Battle Of Surigao Strait, Fiestang Kuliat (Tigtigan, Terakan Keng Dalan), Sagingan, Leyte Gulf Landing, Pinta Flores Festival, Feast Of San Clemente / Higantes, Kansilay, Helubong, Sanduguan, Guinakit Of Maguindanao, Mt. Pinatubo Trek, P’yagsawitan, Feast Of The Immaculate Conception, Shariff Kabunsuan Festival, Giant Lantern Festival, Feast Of Our Lady Of The Immaculate Concepcion, Olongapo Festival, Grand Marian Procession, Christmas Symbols, Daro Sinulog.

Phew! That’s a hell of a list! (my personal favourite is the Carabao Carroza Race, which features the fastest water buffaloes in the area pulling bamboo carts – it’s a real heart-stopper).

So, the MyLaowai travel recommendation for this (or, indeed, any) month, is to visit the Philippines, and partake in about a million festivals. Just don’t go in early September, because that’s when the Christmas decorations are being put up.

Statutory Health Advisory: Walking past Filipino girls in the street, or even in another street, has been known to cause pregnancy, leading to marriage complications, extended families, and eventually death. Excessive caution is advised. MyLaowai accepts no responsibility for failure on your part to leg it to the nearest airport and take the first flight out to anywhere, in the event the above symptoms present themselves.

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23 Responses to “It’s Christmas (in the Philippines)”

  1. LoveChinaLongTime said

    Goddamned treeclimbers

  2. BD said

    Can’t believe the Christmas season begins in September and ends in April. In the States people moan that some shops get started “even” before Thanksgiving(last week of November) and that some people still have Christmas trees up two weeks into January. You guys are doing Christmas for 8 months!!

  3. Jake McCrann said

    Here you go dickhead: http://www.prisonplanet.com/activist-watch-out-for-idf-stealing-organs-in-haiti.html

    There are six videos there. I dont have time. Too busy killing or planning to kill all the jews.

  4. Jake McCrann said

    hey Wo Shi, my best childhood friend was philipino. From Melbourne. he had legs and arns like a monkey and taught me as a very young lad (three years lesser than he) to climb up trees. And I couldn’t believe how crazy he was. But then for some reason I dont want to think about he became a drug addict, injecting it, and lost over time, all his glory which was so magnificent. Just thought I would tell you that my best friend from childhood was a Philippino.

  5. Jake McCrann said

    We used to go spear-fishing, we use to conquer the entire world man. And they took him.

  6. justrecently said

    Hey, Jakey, I’ve got a nice little story for you! A yaught was sexually harrassed in the Pacific Ocean by a blue whale. After the whale had gotten it all off, he vanished into the depths of the ocean again and left the yaught alone.

    Funny, eh?
    Just writing to you to make sure that someone will have talked to you this weekend.
    Happy week.

  7. justrecently said

    btw, it should be spelled yacht.

    • Jake McCrann said

      yeh so you can’t spell yacht dickhead. Let me give you a tip: now 100% of the people know you couldn’t spell it. Whereas if you had said nothing only 15% of the people would have known it. And if any of them bothered posting about your err they would look like dickheads. But now you are the dickhead. But anyway, thanks for showing me you are not COINTELPRO but merely one of those 15% of the population who are still so fucking stupid you think Osama and 19 jihadis did 9/11.

  8. Jake McCrann said

    We had lots of fights when we were this age. Guys used to come up to him and start calling him a ‘gook’. And of course we didn’t know what to do because we were just on our way to do something cool and never planned for this assault. There was sometimes it turned to violence and both us injured and there was sometimes we talked our way out of it.

  9. Tex said

    “Here you go dickhead: http://www.prisonplanet.com/activist-watch-out-for-idf-stealing-organs-in-haiti.html

    So, not a shred of proof that the IDF is stealing organs in Haiti. What a surprise

    “There are six videos there. I dont have time. Too busy killing or planning to kill all the jews.”

    You couldn’t kill a pimple, you lonely, unemployed retard.

  10. MyLaowai said

    Hi Jake, a few points:

    1. If your imaginary friend was from Melbourne, then he was an Australian. Filipinos are from the Philippines.

    2. Filipinos are not ‘gooks’. They are ‘flippers’. Get your slang right.

    3. I think you are suffering from Vaseline poisoning. Be careful with that stuff.

    • You are mistaken gravely Laowai. The best lubricant for masturbation is DEEP HEAT. It burns your cock off for almost half an hour and you will remember to never wank off again.

      I prefer prostitutes over masturbation. After all, \I have the money.

      • Maths at melbourne was awesome because you didnt have to remember anything. You just needed to understand. Biology I bombed out of in 1st year because they wanted me to remember all these liosts. Chemistry I loved at first (for the same reason I loved mathematics – because the stoichiometry was just so easy to me and all the questions in the exams were always attacking you on that level) But maths was just awesome because I didnt even need a calculator to go to an exam – not a book, not cheat notes, not a page of nothing. \They just requested you to go there with a \PEN and sit the fucking exam and I loved that because you didnt have to remember anything just KNOW the concepts. Just concepts.

        Problem for me started in 3rd year when they begin to weed out the CAN NOTS and I was a CAN NOT.
        I knew all the CAN DOS. They were my friends, I would drink coffee with them, I would skip lectures with them, I would sit with them, but I just didnt have that edge, that real genious they were looking to recruit, to then weed out the real elite in the honours year and then even weed them even more in the phd years. I just wasnt given that by our god. Couldnt do it. The third year maths subjects were not for me, no way. I think I passed only two of them in Applied Mathematics, partial differential equations.

        What fascinates me today is how any intelligent man of physics could not see both that the towers were rigged with CD and second that it was Israel Mossad operation who did it. |||Fascinates me. And what will fascinate me even more is to witness the Americans do to the jews ten times worse than what they claim they Nazis did to them. The revenge will be 100 fold what you have seen the Americans do to the muslim countries under the pretext of believing that they did 911.

      • Cap'n Rad said

        Ritalin, dude. Ritalin.

    • My first experience a very young lad with racism was two caras going up to my friend and calling him a gook and then punching him. He was only 11 at the time and they were much older. He kicked the fuck out of them and they ran off. That was my childhood friend. I didnt even understand what I had just seen, as an 8 year old. I learnt after from my mother that my friend was different from me – he was a philipino. His dad made awesome meals with rice. I always loved staying at my mates house to eat his dad´s dinners.

  11. Ned Kelly said

    McCrann is a hoax, right?

  12. MyLaowai said

    I wish he was, Ned. I wish he was.

  13. Ned Kelly said

    He makes my fictional alter-ego “Ivan” look like a real person. I couldn’t make up someone like McCrann even if my life depended on it.

  14. MyLaowai said

    All I can say, Jake old son, is that if you want to use Deep Heat to wank with, then that’s entirely your own deviant business. And if you visit prostitutes because you can’t get a girlfriend, then you have my pity.

  15. Tex said

    The only women Jake has ever met are inflatable ones

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