Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Your Attention, Please

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, April 30, 2010

I would like to note, for the record, that it has been six weeks since I last received a death threat. That’s a goodly long while around this place, and it simply isn’t good enough.

Mrs MyLaowai, the delightful inspiration who forever terrifies the living bejeezus out of me, says this is a sign I have become more “culturally sensitive and aware”, and that this is the natural result of my recent “conciliatory efforts”. From this you can see that, despite her reputation, Mrs MyLaowai is a kind and sensitive creature who tries to put everything in the best possible light.

Because what she really means is: I’m slipping.

Come on folks, throw me a bone here! I spend hours crafting award-winning humour for you; I use only the finest genuine imitation meaty goodness in my jokes and witty bons mots; and I never miss a chance for a cheap shot. I do this for the same reason that the Red Cross used to send care parcels to POW’s back during the Last Big One – I do it to keep up the spirits of the thousands of Laowai who are in China. Every time one of these unfortunates cracks a smile, I have done my duty and in some small way helped a fellow human being survive the day. My reward, the finest reward any man can receive without actually meeting the Queen in fact, has been the dozens of death threats I have received from our friends in the Munchkin Community. Such gems as “I am will Be Head you with your ancestors” and “fuk you i wil kil you leave our Glorios CHINA foreighn DEVIL” have me rolling in the aisles, splitting my sides with laughter. That’s my truest reward, and I beseech you, the Little People – keep ’em coming, please!

Or do I actually have to start trying to offend people now? I’ll do it if I have to, just see if I don’t…

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38 Responses to “Your Attention, Please”

  1. An Expat said

    “MyLaowai”: Please contact me: info@newdynasty.com.cn
    Thank you!

  2. justrecently said

    Even Chinese patriots aren’t as interested in China as they used to be. Not to mention foreign expats. Some expected the Expo to raise interest (and maybe controversy) again, but I believe that the Olympics were a unique opportunity for China to go to the world and for the world to understahnd China.
    A new approach may be needed, rather than more of the same. More fiction, possibly.

  3. justrecently said

    … or a biography? Edgar Snow’s collected works might be inspiring.

  4. Slap2tickle said

    They could start executing some laowai………………. oh sorry, they’ve already done that, I’m all out of ideas.

  5. Chinese Netizen said

    Eh? Expo???

  6. DaBizarre said

    Hmmm, what about an offer to try and kill you with alcohol poisoning playing dice at a KTV with steins full of martinis? Is that of any comfort?

  7. justrecently said

    No. It has to be a death terrible enough for ten-thousand generations.

  8. S said

    http://www.smh.com.au/world/strangebuttrue/postman-marries-his-cat-20100504-u42o.html

    Just wondering what JR does for a living, are you a postie ?

    We know for a fact Mrs Myloawai is very meek and mild and Mrs JR is ????

  9. MyLaowai said

    Here’s a big FYI for all and sundry (you’re considered ‘sundry’, S.):

    1. Martini’s don’t work with steins. You need the right shaped glass to get the proper flavour.

    2. Drinking Martini’s out of a stein may not cause death, but the experience would be terrible enough for ten thousand generations. Unless one was a peasant, that is.

    3. Mrs MyLaowai is anything but meek. But hey, it’s nice to dream.

    4. Real men don’t play dice in any form, except perhaps whilst playing Trivial Pursuit. Anything else is a waste of intellect. Banging dice out of a cup onto a bar is what effeminate nancyboys do to show that they are wankers who were hated by their mothers and raped by their fathers. Sheesh.

    5. Mrs MyLaowai is anything but meek. But hey, it’s nice to dream.

    Thank you for your attention.

  10. justrecently said

    Stoogiebaby, I’m not going to criticize my country for a silly headline in a tabloid, and I’m not going to criticize China because men there love women only if their feet are bound.
    That said, I enjoy a good laugh about stoogies who claim that “their and their country’s hearts beat as one – and that this wasn’t even unique! :))

  11. s said

    @10,

    relax Mr Mitzscherlich, don’t get too defensive, I’m not criticising you nor anyone’s country.

  12. s said

    relax Mr Mitzscherlich, no need to be so defensive.

    I don’t think anyone is criticising your choice of bride nor your country.

  13. justrecently said

    Geez. Stoogie has become lame. If no decent fenqing shows up very quickly, I’ll invent one myself.

  14. S said

    His points:

    his grandmother was a cat. He is a half-man half- beast descendant of Mr JR Mitzscherlich.

    He also implied krauts used to brutally sodomize and demean their cats and in fact they still do today.

    comprendere ?

    • zuwei said

      what comprende? speak your language .laowai speak english and china speak chinese. this is world! why you confuse ??? english is laowai languge no use other dialect . fair please . and you friend of china. confuse is no good to chinese peoples!!! respect our big country and speak your languge!

  15. Charlie_Sierra said

    He wasn’t talking about cats, nor Krauts, nor his own grandmother. I’d explain facetious, but you’ll have a dictionary for that. Hope it works.

    He was asking for a better tormentor than you. If no one minds, I’ll give it a go.

    Mylaowai, you have indeed gone soft. From the ‘Cidal days until recently, some of the highest quality expat literature was produced. I’m still trying to locate some of the material, even after my diaspora back to America.

    Do you realize how many times I was stuck in a room without AC with only warm beer and all of your essays as my company? Turn on the fucking funny switch again or I’ll get Mrs. Mylaowai to give you a prostate exam with her foot (both feet if they’re bound, one does have to be reasonable).

    -C

  16. justrecently said

    The fenqings are the problem. Stoogie has become lame. Something’s wrong with a man’s guts when he keeps freaking out for weeks about man loving pussy.
    As for Mylaowai and a blogger’s literature, I know how difficult it can be to keep people and fenqings amused all of the time. Commenters, jia you. (And don’t forget to get back to the “old” stories now and then.)

    • S said

      what is all these crap about lamb (aka dolly mylaowai) and pussies

      nothing wrong with man loving real pussies but krauts marrying cats .. that is really disgusting !!

  17. MyLaowai said

    This sheep thing has become a bit of an obsession with you, hasn’t it Stoogie?

    Is that why you moved to Australia? If so, either New Zealand or Wales would be a better stomping ground for you – Aussies prefer their sexual depravities to hop about and carry their young in pouches.

    Unless you’re okay with roo’s as well?

  18. S said

    Ozies doing roos and koala doesn’t raise eyebrows any more as it is a well known phenomena with a long history …. during the younger days of the colony where there are scarcely any females to share around, what else do you expect of those young immoral convicts ?

    on second thought, one shouldn’t be too surprised about (some) krauts and cats, they are non-human ..right?

    is this you mr mylaowai ? unless you are a real kiwi, you have absolutely no excuses.

  19. justrecently said

    Mr Mitzscherlich, after all, FEEDS his cat.

  20. S said

    Mr JR Mitzscherlich, I don’t believe anyone had ever suggested you are not a decent family man.

    You are duty bounded to feed your wife and she/it is obliged to consumate with you.

  21. justrecently said

    It may be beyond your imagination, stoogie, but I’m leading a fairly normal life outside the parallel universe of the internet – and chances are that people there do not have sex with animals. I do see however that the tabloid information has kept your mind busy for the past few weeks, and I can only hope that you won’t do something wrong to God’s innocent creatures.
    Then again, you are too far away from my life that I could really care. If you really need to live your weird dreams, I recommend that you squash the cat of your dreams by car. Somehow, that still looks somewhat more …. umm… healthier than what your latest comments suggest.

    • Josef Fritzl said

      Most whites have sex with animals. Despite the fact that white people themselves are subhuman chimps, they also fuck their dogs, goats, horses, pigs, cats, etc.

      This is because white men have very small dicks. Which is why feminism exists- white women got tired of white men’s small dicks.

      But what can you say? White women obviously selected for small dicks in their small dicked white chimp partners, because a white man with a human-sized penis would rip his daughters vagina open while fucking her.

      As a result only the offspring of small dicked white men had viable vaginas, which was an evolutionary advantage when having 10 of their father’s children.

    • justrecently said

      Lin Zexu didn’t know a great deal about “white people”, but he still knew a bit more than a fenqing. Wherever you, dear non-Chinese reader of these posts and comments may be, and however worried you may be that your country is dumbing down: your motherland is not alone. A country of 1.3 bn people south of Siberia and Mongolia, and East of Tibet, is dumbing down, too, and fast.

      • Josef Fritzl said

        Excellent proof you have there, white retard, excellent proof- but concocting lies about the Chinese (average IQ of 105-116) will not do much for your mental illness and low self-esteem. Maybe ask your mother to measure your tiny dick again, so she can give you an inflated number before you put it on an internet survey!

  22. zuwei said

    you so ridiculous laowai .chinese superior to you ,is prove in history. china culture is go to all world . you acxept , is your destini.

  23. zuwei said

    i no like this web . i report to the people must block ! the foreigner insult feeling of chinese peoples!! very angry!!

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