Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Haibao – The Secret Archives

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, April 30, 2010

After my astute boss, Mr MyLaowai himself, alerted me to the presence of our little blue friend, I started to flex my contacts and poked many back doors to find out some more. I was startled to find a huge, well-hidden conspiracy.

I had noticed this little fellow scattered liberally around the country, but had been told by locals he was representative of China’s new water policy to provide larger quantities of drinkable water to the population. Unfortunately, 80% of China has water quality so low I wouldn’t let my dogs drink it, so this seemed like a plausible explanation.

Of course, MyLaowai discovered this blob is actually the mascot for the Expo, so I thought to myself “Damn this KTV Xiao Jie, Miss Erection, is good in bed”, followed by “I wonder how much more Miss Direction has been taking place?”

So, following hot on the heels of the Movement of 100 Flowers, I began to dig behind the scenes to find the real truth.

For those students of ancient history, China has had magic practitioners for many thousands of years, for example, Anqi Sheng. Each dynasty sought to make contact with these magicians, but usually failed. These magicians were famous for many acts, but most especially for the elixir of life, floods, droughts and the raising and lowering of land. Indeed, Hairman Miaow is not dead, just sleeping, after imbibing this fabled elixir.

Unfortunately, in the true spirit of the Cultural Revolution, several of these magicians were ordered to death. Even an elixir of life fails when faced with the high-speed lead poisoning that accompanies the Chinese judicial system.

This led to some fascinating retributions, including the massive droughts, earthquakes, dust storms and so on, but most importantly (and at last, relevantly) – the sinking of Shanghai. More in the next instalment.

– DaBizarre

One Response to “Haibao – The Secret Archives”

  1. Chinese Netizen said

    Eh? Expo???

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