Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

You Dirty Rat

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Rats!
They fought the dogs and killed the cats,
And bit the babies in the cradles,
And ate the cheeses out of the vats,
And licked the soup from the cooks’ own ladles,
Split open the kegs of salted sprats,
Made nests inside men’s Sunday hats,
And even spoiled the women’s chats,
By drowning their speaking
With shrieking and squeaking
In fifty different sharps and flats.

It seems that China is experiencing a Plague of Rats. Again. And this is of course a matter of some concern for us all, though I must confess that it doesn’t concern me nearly as much as the stories of a Plague of, well, Plague that is sweeping across the nation. And I’m half convinced the stories must have some truth to them, else why would the Government be denying them so strenuously?

What is it with China and Plagues, anyway? It’s all here, you know, from SARS and bird flu and swine flu, to Hand Foot & Mouth disease and half-a-dozen things labelled as being H-number-N-number. The CDC are currently talking about an outbreak of measles and go on to warn travellers to China of the risks of encephalitis, malaria, dengue, filariasis, tickbourne encephalitis, leishmaniasis, schistosomiasis and leptospirosis. They also warn that taking Chinese medicines is as likely to kill you as it is to kill the disease, but what do they know, really?

The BBC has been reporting on a mysterious HIV-like disease that is spreading like wildfire, with victims saying things like: “Twenty-four hours [after having sex with a prostitute] I had a strong desire to vomit. I had headaches, I was dizzy, I could feel my internal organs were swelling up. I was in intense pain. This lasted months.” The Pasteur Institute is taking this very seriously, and so far has confirmed that whatever it is, it isn’t HIV. Of course, on the other hand, the Government has made it perfectly clear that “their illness could be the result of a mental rather than a physical condition.” Okay, fine. If you say so. I reckon it’s just as likely to be the result of eating the disgustingly vile muck that passes for ‘food’ in this hellhole. I’ve heard rumours that pneumonic plague has escaped the quarantine zone around the north-western town of Ziketan, but for the record I’d like to state that these rumours are certainly malicious and untrue. Also, for the record, spreading or listening to rumours can get you shot, or so it’s rumoured.

China gave the world the Black Death, and that’s no rumour – it’s an historical fact (though not perhaps a fact one can find in a Chinese history book). A doctor friend of mine says it’s also a fact that China has the world’s highest rate of appendicitis, caused when poorly cooked rice is not digested and goes septic in the intestines. Mind you, removing internal organs is at least something that most hospitals in China have a vast amount of experience at doing. There is an incredibly high incidence of rabies, Hepatitis A and B (and probably C, D, E and F as well), AIDS, and quite literally dozens of unidentified influenza-type diseases besides.

There is, as we speak, a Plague of Boils, judging by what I see every time I take a countryside bus. And a Plague of Lice. I feel confident in saying that there is no Plague of the Death of the First-Born, however there is certainly a Plague of the Death of the Second- and even Third-Born, and sometimes of the Parents Who Didn’t Follow The One-Child Policy as well. It’s entirely possible that there is a Plague of Frogs, but really how would you know in a country where frogs get themselves eaten the moment they stick their heads above the parapet? Which brings us nicely back to the current Plague of Rats.

The Government, to be fair, is doing the best it can under the circumstances, spreading hundreds of tons of poison across the vast areas of land, and with some effect. That effect has been the death by poisoning of all the cats and dogs, though it must be said that the rats are still doing fine, thank you. And perhaps this is just as well, given how popular rat meat is in this country. Wet markets are reporting an enormous increase in the supply of rat meat, which is often used to make a spicy rat stew, and though in Beijing and Shanghai restaurants frequently mix rat meat with lamb fat to disguise the taste, the experienced gourmand can tell the difference (the difference being the small size of the meat lumps, the stringy gristle, and the pieces of lamb fat amongst the meat). But at least the snakes are doing well, what with all the rats to eat, and that means that snake is also on the menu at just about every sit-down meal in the land.

What the hell is wrong with you, Chinese People? If it moves, you eat it. If it doesn’t move, you kick it until it moves. I mean, honestly, Bird’s Nest Soup? What the fuck is that all about? It’s the nest of a cave-dwelling bird and it’s made from bird spit! Shark Fin Soup? I’ve had it, and I’m relieved to be able to say that the best one can say for it is that it is slimy and tasteless, a bit like the population of the country as a whole. Seriously, if you want slimy and tasteless, why not just use way too much MSG, the same as you do for every single other thing you cook. And don’t start on me with your tales of China World Famous Cuisines, because that’s bullshit and you know it. I know for a fact that I’m not the first to observe that your ‘Famous Cuisines’ consist of cabbage dumplings, cabbage and pickle dumplings, pickle dumplings, and shit (possibly in a dumpling). It’s no wonder you are all so weedy, weak, and pathetic, with your protruding teeth and sunken chests and titless women. In the name of all that is holy, just eat a fucking steak, and I don’t mean a thin strip of hormone-injected schnitzel with a few macaroni curls on top. That isn’t steak, not even close. If you don’t know that, you probably don’t even know what a purplised grumbler is. What’s a purplised grumbler? Exactly my fucking point. Get a grip.

Here’s some advice: take your ‘delicious food’ and your ‘very healthy’ medicines and your disease and dirt and disgusting culture and stick it up your arse, or at least keep it to yourselves. Because we don’t want any of it.

This post has been brought to you by the letters of the fucking Alphabet and numbers that don’t look like childish pictographs. I dedicate this post to Charlie_Sierra, who gave me the motivation I needed.

***

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29 Responses to “You Dirty Rat”

  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Ray Kwong, Baron Burns. Baron Burns said: angry China blogger hits again. http://bit.ly/94itGu @J_forest […]

  2. Moderately Prosperous Society said

    Dear Mylaowai, my you are on form today. It is a well know fact that diets promoting protein deficiency are a common tool used by cults and dictatorships to ensure mental and physical torpor. A rather muscular friend of mine came to visit me in China and despite emergency trips to Carrefour for steak lost over 8kg in his first week here. My friends laugh at me when I refuse to eat dumplings because I simply can’t trust a nation that puts plastic into baby food to ensure that my pork dumplings contain any pork. The other alarming element of what passes for sustenance here is the utter violence with which the body about half an hour after consumption tries to expel these poisonous foreign objects.

    Speaking of which, an anecdote from today for anyone who cares to read. After a rather full workout at my local gym, overcoming my normal fear of Chinese communal showers I deeded to cool down so with some trepidation entered. The usual “staring at the laowai’s cock of preternatural girth and length” routine of course ensued but nothing prepared me for what happened next. A “person” of the most repellent corpulence and countenance simply squatted down in front of one and all and proceeded to let forth a diarrhoeic stream of shit that flowed out to cover about a quarter of the shower floor surface. No body said anything or bothered to reprimand him, except me as I informed him of my opinion in the most furious terminology this childish, grammarless language allows. I stopped, he looked away and then let out another stream. At this stage everyone was laughing. At me. A pretty average day here in the Central Splendour.

    • MyLaowai said

      Oh fuck. I hate ’em. That’s even worse than the hour and a half they spend blow-drying their pubes at the gym.

      You should have arranged for him to be aborted – it’s legal up to age 46 I believe.

      • Moderately Prosperous Society said

        Yes I’ve seen that on a number of occasions and always in front of the mirror. Perhaps they think that drying them will allow them to see their penis again, a penis which is invariably shorter than their pubes. An homosexualist of my acquaintance with an unfortunate penchant for young firm yellow buttocks makes them shave or trim their pubes before rumpy-pumpy time. To anyone who fails to comply, it is goodbye luxurious laowai apartment and hello cold nightbus.

    • 0112337 said

      You should remember to bring a big bag of sandwiches next time, MPS. I mean alot, like a few thousand, in a big rump sack, to carry with you on the plane to the other side of the earth.

      • MyLaowai said

        I thought you were way too busy at your wank job, sorry, I meant bank job… No I was right the first time.

        Anyway, I thought you were way too busy doing whatever it is you do to spare the time to comment on blogs like this one?

        What’s changed?

      • 0112337 said

        Well hello Mr. Mylaowai, indeed I was working hard at my project over the last month and so, and now I am almost done with great success so I decided to come back to pay my respects *ehem* to you, JR, and the worthies here at MyLaowai.

        It’s almost summer, and I think we are all in a better mood. Life goes on as usual in this cheap, plastic, man-made, hell hole I work in.

        How are things with you? Making money lately? Say hello to Mrs. Mylaowai for me.

    • Josef Fritzl said

      “staring at the laowai’s cock of preternatural girth and length”

      I think they feel sorry for you, considering white men have such tiny, small cocks

      http://img519.imageshack.us/i/japanus.jpg/

      You’re even smaller than the Japanese

      An Italian study of about 3,300 Italian men concluded that stretched length was measured on average to about 5 inches.

      A study published in the September 1996 Journal of Urology concluded that average erect length was 12.9 cm (5.08 in) (measured by staff).[6] The purpose of the study was to “provide guidelines of penile length and circumference to assist in counseling patients considering penile augmentation.” Erection was pharmacologically induced in 80 physically normal American men

      Yes, your very small cocks can lead to rage and anger when constantly surrounded by better endowed non-white men. This must be especially frustrating when whites are confronted with the Chinese, who are also more intelligent and cultured than them.

      “Why oh why?!!?! I’m a hideous, hirsute baboon… I should be better endowed!!!!” screams the angry Laowai, tears streaming down his ugly, freckled simian face, as he founds the floor with closed fist.

      It’s gotten to a point where disgusting Laowai are fantasizing about fat men bending over them and offering him their diarrheal anuses.

      • MyLaowai said

        What is with you and your twin obsessions with penises and diarrhoea?

        Is everything alright at home?

      • Josef Fritzl said

        Your good friend “MPS” is the one who has this obsession. I hear it is typical among AIDS-spreading whites infesting China.

        He even talked about his homosexualist “friend” with a think for “firm yellow buttocks”.

        Hopefully the CCP will get its act together and kill every white man in China.

      • Moderately Prosperous Society said

        No, not an obsession, simply an observation. You see observing the workings of the universe objectively and non-emotionally is the hallmark of western civilisation. When a certain centrally placed Empire still thought that the universe sat on the back of a giant turtle we were mapping the world, discovering evolution, developing lifesaving surgery and busily engaged in industrial revolutions and such. I am very aware that for a period of about 800 years China led the world both scientific and culturally. You see, most westerners take pleasure in any advancement of the human race from what ever nation. The Chinese accept only the Chinese contributions and disparage the rest. You will find no laowai with greater admiration for traditional Chinese culture and now long dead Confucian principles of humaneness than I. Unfortunately your blessed government took every step to destroy this culture. What would you do if they instituted another “Smash the Four Olds” campaign? Vote them out? Grab a hammer and start smashing? What are your thoughts on a regime that has done a blackflip on every ideology but yet claims to be the only way forward for China? What are your thoughts on the fact that every part of China that has never been under the control of the CCP is prosperous and free?

        But I digress, back to my “obsession” or observation as we like to call it, I simply observed that each time I take a communal shower here, there is human excrement on the floor and everybody staring rudely at my organs of generation. Perhaps you can explain to us why such disgusting violations of communal space happens here. It isn’t just shit on the floor, but rubbish on the ground, spitting on restaurant floors and a total disregard for the common areas in any apartment building. Why?

        As for you death wish to all foreigners, last time you tried that was during the Boxer Rebellion and that didn’t turn out too happily for you if I recall correctly.

      • Josef Fritzl said

        Last I checked China still has enough nukes to kill every white on the planet, try another Eight Nations Alliance and we’ll see you burned to nuclear ash :)

        Even if 10 million Chinese survive, we’ll have won because your inferior, subhuman, inbred race was exterminated :)

        Lets not forget that while Europeasants were living it up with the use of Chinese inventions, they also committed the most disgusting crimes in history- exterminating an entire race of man, enslaving another, committing a Holocaust and now invading Vietnam, Iraq, slaughtering millions of innocent children.

        So why do people stare at your very small penis? I think they did this out of pity- no need to shit on the floor in shame and rage, my friend. Even you will find your “firmed yellow buttocks” if you try long enough- I hear some of them even prefer the very modest endowment of white foreigners.

      • 0112337 said

        Dear Xiao Cang,

        I love intellectual debates and I would love to know more about your book. Here we go,

        “You see observing the workings of the universe objectively and non-emotionally is the hallmark of western civilisation.”

        -CORRECTION: You see observing the workings of the universe objectively, non-emotionally, AND MANIPULATING IT TO MAN’S USE WITHOUT CARING ABOUT NATURE ITSELF is the hallmark of western civilisation.

        “When a certain centrally placed Empire still thought that the universe sat on the back of a giant turtle we were mapping the world, discovering evolution, developing lifesaving surgery and busily engaged in industrial revolutions and such.”

        -You are completely right. We thought we figured everything out, so then we tried our hardest to not change anything. Then you guys came along.

        “you will find no laowai with greater admiration for traditional Chinese culture and now long dead Confucian principles of humaneness than I. Unfortunately your blessed government took every step to destroy this culture.”

        – Oh it’s coming back. Confucianism is coming back. The Koreans are bringing it back. Nowadays, Chinese people follow South Korean culture (pop Confucianism), the government tries to instill North Korean principles. The Bang Zi are making a comeback with a vengeance.

        “What would you do if they instituted another “Smash the Four Olds” campaign?”

        -Today is May 27, 2010

        “a regime that has done a blackflip on every ideology but yet claims to be the only way forward for China?”

        -The CCP never believed in ANY ideology. Their ideology was a political tool. CCP’s founding leaders were bandits, or grassroots scholars who wanted to be emperors, western ideology was simply a tool for gains. The only ideological people in CHina are YOU and the other Laowais. We think you are stupid and crazy. Westerners are less rational and pragmatic than Chinese people, that’s why they believe in ideologies while Chinese people go and make money.

        “What are your thoughts on the fact that every part of China that has never been under the control of the CCP is prosperous and free?”

        -oh man, you are one of those 80’s democracy, human rights, westerners aren’t you? You guys are truly the craziest. Traditional Chinese society works on the principle unity like a human body. Each individual is a cell, and the emperor or the modern oligarchic circle in Zhongnanhai is the brain. In the west, this concept does not exist. Before the enlightenment, Continental Europeans were still probably eating each other. There was no state. With Hobbes, Locke, and Rousseau you people learned to live together, but only on the condition of free will. Or in other words, you can still be wild but in a controlled environment. This is not the case with Chinese society. Chinese people do not want your idea of “freedom”. We don’t want to be wild, feral, and hooting mad like Americans. Don’t force it on us.

      • 0112337 said

        “But I digress, back to my “obsession” or observation as we like to call it, I simply observed that each time I take a communal shower here, there is human excrement on the floor and everybody staring rudely at my organs of generation. Perhaps you can explain to us why such disgusting violations of communal space happens here. It isn’t just shit on the floor, but rubbish on the ground, spitting on restaurant floors and a total disregard for the common areas in any apartment building. Why?”

        -You want the reason? COMMUNISM during your era! And also a general dearth of good American style, philosophical, humanities education. The CCP doesn’t dare to implement a system like that because the people would then get too smart for them to rule.

        But of course, on the other hand, if we had them, we would be like the Taiwanese, whose mighty armed coast guards cry like little school girls after getting mugged, while on duty, by unarmed, common street hooligans. It’s a trade off. If we were like the Taiwanese, fools like you would be asking, why are the Chinese so weak? Where its mighty PLA soldiers (god forbid) get roughed up by hooligans? It’s a trade off.

        By the way, for your information, reading history itself doesn’t make you understand a foreign people better. It simply makes you better guests at dinners or parties. If you want to understand a people, you should read about how those FOREIGN PEOPLE INTERPRET THEIR OWN HISTORY. I mean their own subjective interpretation. Understanding your interpretation of facts still makes you a foreigner, while understanding THEIR interpretation helps you understand them.

        I am glad you know about the Boxer Rebellion.

      • Josef Fritzl said

        Continental Europeans were still probably eating each other.

        http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Armin_Meiwes

      • justrecently said

        No. That was the great leap forward, and it wasn’t in Europe…

      • Josef Fritzl said

        Europeans have a long history of incest and cannibalism, carried to its finest tradition in Meiwes and Fritzl.

        Whites are a very inbred, degenerate race- the CCP must line up all white men and machine gun them.

      • justrecently said

        the CCP must line up all white men and machine gun them
        Geez – you are really getting everything wrong. It wasn’t machine-gunning, it was everything from the bare hand to cudgel. It wasn’t about killing “white”, but “yellow” men. And it wasn’t just the CCP or Mao Zedong. It was the enthused great Chinese nation itself, in the cultural revolution. That too, was China, not Europe.

      • Josef Fritzl said

        Yeah you just had your little run with the Nazis and Stalin, killing more innocent civilians than China ever did in thousands of years :)

      • MyLaowai said

        Now then, Fenwai, that’s not strictly true, is it?

      • justrecently said

        Now then, Fenwai, that’s not strictly true, is it?
        Why, if Fenwai’s own little red history book says so, how can you doubt it?

  3. CHINA said

    you ugly arrogant foreigner must be beaten! this world belong to CHINA!!! you insult CHINA and feeling you pay this!! you pay for insult of great china culture of world you hate CHINA so much because we best leader in world!!! all foreigners go out of CHINA, we conquest your country and destroy you!! and CHINA Flag fly over WORLD!!!! CHINA NUMBER ONE!!!!

  4. justrecently said

    I have some suspicions about that CHINA comment (#3).

  5. justrecently said

    too.

  6. rosebelle said

    Reading your blog for the first time here and the first few paragraphs were, I thought, informing about current issues happening in China…but then you veered deeper into more racial sentiments about the country and its way of life, I was like, “whoa, wait, wait!” So you have no idea why Chinese people drink bird nest soup? SERIOUSLY?? Let me help enlighten you on just three health benefits:

    1.Enhances the rebirth of cells and tissues.
    2.Improves the immune system functions of our body.
    3.Improves the body’s tolerance toward the damage done by X-rays or other radioactive reagents.

    Sorry to disappoint you. But seriously, information can be easily found on the internet. Why don’t you check out what’s so good about shark fin soup, eh?

  7. MyLaowai said

    Dear Rosebelle,

    Thank you for your insightful and informative comment. You are completely correct when you speak of the health benefits of swallow-spit soup – in fact, it has now been scientifically proven that swallow-spit soup is almost as healthy and nutritious as regular wood-and-feather bird’s nest soup.

    And yes, after sucking down swallow-spit soup, your own human cells have been known to grow and multiply. This revolutionary process, known as ‘cell mitosis’, is unique to swallow-spit soup (and a handful of other Chinese foods and medicines). Western medicine is only just now beginning to take note of how advanced the Chinese are in this field.

    As for the X-ray and radiation immunity, I know for a fact that Chinese astronauts are fed swallow-spit soup prior to departure, in order to protect them from cosmic rays, gamma bursts, and all the other space beams.

    So yes, I do concur – completely and without reservation – with your expert analysis.

    Thank you once again for stopping by.

  8. MyFenwai said

    It’s a well known fact that small-dicked whites fucking pigs in North Carolina spread swine flu. They have the deaths of 15,000 on their hands- that and the tasteless, hormone blasted dreck they call “meat” which they feed to the low IQ, knuckle dragging, subhuman fatties of their country.

    Sure sure, blame China for your white kid’s subhuman chimp-like IQ- when it’s actually your Neanderthal admixture and inbreeding that causes your very small dicks and laughable subhuman intelligence.

    http://www.southernstudies.org/2009/05/swine-flu-genes-traced-to-north-carolina-hog-farm.html

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