Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

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Archive for the ‘Food’ Category

Chicken Soup etc

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, December 10, 2012

I have a day off finally, and I’m cooking chicken soup. Unlike Chinese soups, this isn’t very famous in the world, but it is tasty and warming and probably won’t give me botulism. This isn’t a cookery blog, so I’m not going to give you a tiresome recipe, but for the benefit of my Chinese readership I will give you a few tips:

1. Soups made from scratch take longer than 8 minutes to prepare.
2. Tepid river water isn’t soup.
3. Slimy rubbish found floating in the moat or twigs from the forest floor are not actual ingredients.

I hope this proves useful in your future culinary adventures. Moving on…

Jeff, thank you for your Christmas wishes. Merry Christmas to you and yours. Thanks also for this helpful tip you sent in for our readers (who may wish to try this at home):
Get an absolutely clean and clear plate-glass or perspex and put a small puddle of water from your Nestle drinking fountain on it. Cover it with a dust cover and let it evaporate. Now shine a UV light on the plate-glass or perspex. Now do the same with tap water – a penny for your thoughts if you find something.

0112337 (a.k.a. Mister Fibonacci, a.k.a Annoying Twat), why are you making comments about being stalked by 70-year old gay guys in a park in Beijing? Refer perfectmatchmagazine.com if your memory lets you down. That said, thank you for being the most prolific poster on MyLaowai this year. Also, the most annoying poster on MyLaowai this year. And, possibly, the most entertaining poster on MyLaowai this year. Merry Christmas to you, even though it’s hard to know the season from inside your padded cell.

Da Bizzare, thank you for your various Guest Posts. I apologise for not posting them, and intend to remedy that starting right now (and also Merry Christmas to you):


Are you living in China? How’s your back passage feeling? Open? Stretched? Unlubricated yet well entered?

If not, you haven’t wised up yet. Every major piece of commercial software in this god-forsaken, anally retentive paranoid block of land they call a cunt-tree, even though the tree count is low – compared with the other component – will ream your computer for any viable information that may, or may not, be deemed sensitive by our hypochondriac bow-legged slant-eyed ‘friends’.

You shop on taobao? Oooh, that will probably require – software. I don’t mean the clothes that men wear here, I mean that executable stuff. No, I don’t mean the falling bong, err, failing gang, err, the radicals… I mean the shit that runs on your computer – or what passes as such here in this technologically starved land.

And said software, along with QQ and many many others of locally produced products, all have Chinese government installed green dams. Their mission: to search out new lives, to boldly execute where no-one has executed before (and here I mean the family-sponsored bullet to the head type of execution).

Live long and fester, and although its hard to keep your back passage closed, at least try and keep a spare orifice free. Err, unavailable for other’s use, not “for no charge”. There’s plenty of THOSE sort of free orifices everywhere here…

– Da Bizzare

Posted in Festivals et al, Food, Guest Post | 2 Comments »

The miracle of… Wait a minute!

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Having babies – what’s so fucking special about it? Women are forever bleating on and on about how they are better than men because only they can drop a litter of rug-rats, and how this somehow endows them with the ability to create a more compassionate world, and blah de fucking blah. Big whoops I say: come back and talk to me when you have had the experience of receiving a blow job whilst driving your Aston through a built-up area at high speed.

But oh no, we have to treat women ‘special’. And in China they take this to extremes. This probably does not surprise you; it doesn’t surprise me. Very few things possess the power to surprise me any more, except perhaps the (frankly ludicrous) suggestion that someone in China might actually exhibit some fragment of humanity for once in their useless life – but I digress.

Women are ‘special’ in China. Well, retarded kids are ‘special’ where I come from, and there are many similarities between the two groups. Pregnant women are the most ‘special’ of all, of course. You can’t fire their lazy asses, you’re not supposed to beat them as often as the unimpregnated ones, they get paid time off to drop their hatchlings, etcetera etcetera. But this is just the ordinary sort of nonsense we put up with in the West. In China, they don’t watch television, in case it damages the unborn bastards’ eyes. She can’t sit on a crooked mat, or look at bright colours, or have an unharmonious discussion. Food must be properly cut before she eats it, and she can’t eat anything cold, because that leads to arthritis. She doesn’t have sex, of course, but that’s hardly a surprise – after getting a larva on the way, what possible reason could she have for wanting sex ever again?

Best of all, though, is that she gets to wear a lead-lined vest. I’m not making this stuff up folks: Chinese women carrying a codling wear lead-lined vests, a bit like one of those dictators in low-rent countries that you only hear about in the news when we invade them. Apparently, this is to protect the unborn scrag from the dangers of intense radiation given off by photocopiers, computer monitors, fluorescent lights, and in fact anything remotely related to doing her fucking job properly. It probably won’t stop a bullet though, and it won’t help much when she gets pushed down the stairs.

I have a mate here whose wifey-pops is preggers. He’s a good mate, and he reads this blog, so I’m going to be nice about his wife. She won’t go to a hotpot restaurant if it uses induction heating for the food, because of the intense radiation – Sweet Jesus the Jew! So, I’m going to be nice about his wife, but – Holy Fucking Moly! Let’s just hear that one again, shall we:

She won’t go to a hotpot restaurant if it uses induction heating for the food, because of the intense radiation.

What the fuck? I mean, just what the fuck? I’ll ignore for the moment that induction heating is one of the most common forms of cooking in the world, is used in millions of industrial applications, and has been with us since the early 1900’s. This just makes no sense at… all… oh wait. I get it. She’s got a bun in the oven, so suddenly she’s fucking ‘special’. Somehow she suddenly possesses the wisdom of the ancients, as does her mother probably, and every other fucking Chinese woman in the world. Oh no, it isn’t superstitious twaddle or the delusional rantings of a crazed mind, not when it is coming from the gob of a pregnant woman.

Personally, I would not tolerate that shit in my house for one fucking minute. Mrs MyLaowai had better not even think of trying that shit on with me, unless she has plans to be the next Mrs I-Just-Got-My-Ass-Beaten-Up. But hey, I’m a sensitive guy: I also give my workers an additional twenty minutes to have their little polliwogs, before they are required to be back on the production line.

I’m sure that somewhere here there is a moral for you to take away, but quite frankly I’m too disgusted to bother trying to find it. Perhaps it’s just: don’t impregnate a Chinese bird. Hell, don’t bother with them at all, by-and-large. And anyway, all babies look like Chairman Mao – fat, ugly, and always shitting everywhere. Why bother? Nope, if you insist on buying yourself a Chinese girlfriend or wife (and make no mistake about it, it is a financial transaction first and foremost, with a no-money-back guarantee), then for the love of all that you hold dear (beer, cars, guns, and sport), do not under any circumstances allow her to become infected with a baby.

Unless she is ‘special’, of course.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Food, Rules of the Road, Sex Sex Sex | 17 Comments »

Thought For The Day

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, July 9, 2011

It takes the average human twenty fours hours to turn food into shit.

It takes the average Chinese cook less than twelve minutes to do the same.

Posted in Food | 2 Comments »

Can’t Hunt, Fish or Ride?

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, March 31, 2011

I read recently about how some Chinese airlines don’t offer a suitable vegetarian meal on international flights, and that this is a violation of IATA rules. Apparently, “Vegetarians in India are not allowed to eat vegetables that grow under the soil and never see the light of day [and that] the only choice is often eating one biscuit, one cake, and drinking one cup of tea”.

Now, I’m the first one to admit that the food on Chinese flights is an appalling, disgusting abomination, but for once I’m on their side. Vegetarians? What the fuck is wrong with these people? ‘Vegetarian‘ is merely shorthand for ‘the village idiot who can’t hunt, fish or ride‘.

These vegetarian types really piss me off. Why do they get special treatment? I’m a strict meatatarian, but you don’t see me whining about the piece of soggy spinach that lies there ruining my piece of delicious chicken or beef, do you? Sure, maybe you don’t like all the added clenbuterol in Chinese pork, and that’s fair enough. But that’s no excuse to go around eating a bunch of potherbs and pretending that you are somehow better than everyone else.

Fuck you, vegetarians. Now you’ve got IATA drawing up a list of 54 special meals and their specific ingredients for you and your skeletal buddies. Check out these, for example:

AVML (Vegetarian Hindu / Asiatic Meal)
– Spicy vegetarian combinations with limited use of dairy products.
BBML (Baby Meal)
– Two types (with fruit and vegetable) of glass jar baby food available on request.
BLML (Bland Meal)
– For those with digestive tract, gut disorders or chewing problems.
CHML (Child Meal)
– Contains a combination of appropriate and nicely decorated foods which appeal to children.
DBML (Diabetic Meal)
– For those who need to manage their blood sugar levels.
FPML (Fruit Platter Meal)
– Contains seasonal fresh fruits.
GFML (Gluten Intolerant Meal)
– Supplied for those who are allergic to grain flour.
HNML (Hindu Meal)
– Vegetarian food prepared in an Indian style which does not contain beef and egg.
KSML (Kosher Meal)
– These meals are prepared to comply with Jewish dietary laws.
LCML (Low Calorie Meal)
– A low calorie diet should not contain excessive protein portions and should be low in fat and sugar.
LFML (Low Fat Meal)
– High fibre meal with reduced amounts of fat. Does not contain egg, fried products or fat.
LSML (Low Salt Meal)
– Low sodium meal; prepared with ingredients that are low in salt and sodium content.
MOML (Muslim Meal)
– Does not contain pork, and/or pork products. Alcohol is not used in production process.
NLML (Low Lactose Meal)
– Does not contain dairy products or their derivatives.
RVML (Vegetarian Raw Meal)
– Contains only raw vegetables or fruits.
SFML (Sea Food Meal)
– Contains a selection of seafood.
VGML (Strict Vegetarian Meal)
– Strict vegetarian meal (No milk products)
VJML (Jain Meal)
– Hindu Vegetarian food prepared in Indian style, based on Jain customs.
VLML (Vegetarian Lacto Ovo Meal)
– Does not contain meat, fish or seafood. May contain dairy products such as milk, butter, cheese etc.
VOML (Vegetarian Oriental Meal)
– Prepared with vegetables and fruits.
SPML (Special Meal (Celebration Cake))
– Cake for greetings like birthday and honeymoon.

Jew-onna-stick, that’s fucked up! If I asked for a special meal that contained only proper, manly, life-giving meat, I’d be told to simply ignore the vegetables, so why can’t you horrible whiny brats just ignore the meat, if you don’t like it?

And if you thought vegetarians were bad (and they are), then the religious types are even worse! Religious and vegetarian? That’s two completely unrelated types of clinical insanity inside one head – if this is you, then eating special meals is the least of your problems, sunshine. You shouldn’t be allowed to fly – you shouldn’t even be allowed outside the confines of your padded room without a burly, white-coated escort.

Remember back in the good old days? When you could have a smoke and a drink and shag the stewardess in the aft galley (pun intended)? Then the airlines banned smoking because not having to clean the air led to fuel savings, and they started hiring homosexual men and ugly, middle-aged broads with attitudes as big as their ankles, and made it illegal to have sex onboard, so that even if you still wanted to join the Mile High Club, you couldn’t. Then those no-good Yanks made even getting on to a plane an experience so awful that you no longer wanted to fly. And all those cut-rate, penny-pinching airlines in America and Australia started making you pay extra for your drinks, as if fares weren’t expensive enough already. And now you can’t even order a meal without some IATA vegetarian wanker demanding that it be gluten lacto diabetic sodium free!

It’s no fucking wonder people fly their planes into buildings from time to time. It’s probably the only thing left to do.


This post has been brought to you by the letter A, the number 4, and the guys at:
Best Business Degrees

Posted in Food | 18 Comments »

The Wonder of Evolution

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, September 5, 2010

Evolution is a wonderful thing. Truly wonderful.

Of course, when I refer to ‘evolution’, I don’t mean the kind of evolution that Americans can’t understand and will kill you for teaching to their children, but then what else should one expect from a sexually repressed and educationally backward nation of religious extremists and anyway they don’t really enjoy a nice cup of tea in the way that normal people do and all-in-all it’s probably a good thing we kicked them out of the Empire when we did, wouldn’t you agree? No, I’m talking about how habits and technologies evolve over time, how simple and primitive solutions to fundamental problems gather complexity and variety and sophistication. Think about it for a moment, and I’m sure you’ll be amazed too. If you have thought about it for a moment and you are not amazed, then you are probably not thinking about it with the use of your brain, in which case you really need to stop, back up a little, and have another go.

Take the way we eat, for instance. Primitive man pretty much just used to bung whatever he could find into his mouth and have a bit of a chew for a while, until such time as he was able to swallow it. And that was fine, if you’re into that sort of thing. Fortunately, at least one of our primitive ancestors, whose name is now lost to history but which is rumoured to be Dave, decided to cut his food into manageable bite-sized portions before eating it, and thus both the knife and the McNugget were born. This was a Big Step, make no mistake about it.

The next Big Step was the invention of cooking. The precise origins of cooking are not known, though the latest thinking on the subject suggests it was a driving factor behind our success as a species. The exact timing for the invention of cooking is also not known, though it is clear that it was slightly prior to dinner and slightly after the invention of fire (fire was invented, according to Chinese school text books, during the Xia Dynasty, though some foreign anti-China forces have claimed that fire occurs naturally). The thing about fire and cooking, is that it made the food hot. Now, that’s lovely during the cold months and it does certainly add something to the taste, but it also makes the food a bit tricky to hold onto, particularly during the actual cooking phase of the operation. One of our primitive boffin ancestors soon had that problem licked, though: he invented the fork.

By now you can see that we had the basics all worked out: something to cook the food on, and a knife and fork to eat it with. The logical chain made perfect sense, and evolution proceeded smoothly and as you would expect – knives got better handles and finer edges and specialised shapes, while forks grew multiple tines and became better at holding the food. In fact, not only was that the logical way for things to progress, if you were to invent a new system from scratch with all the advantages of hindsight and modern technology, chances are you would do exactly the same thing, and it would be only a matter of time before you had plates and soup tureens and a candelabra laid out on the table with which to impress the ladies.

The Chinese, of course, thought that balancing small and slippery bits of food between two round sticks held between just three fingers of just one hand was a more efficient system. And that, fundamentally, is the difference between them and the rest of the species. Evolution didn’t do anything to improve on their system, neither did hindsight nor modern technology. Not even exposure to the more culturally and scientifically sophisticated concept of ‘knife and fork’ could change things for the better.

Some people have always wanted to improve our lot in life, whereas certain other people have always liked to make things more complicated than they need to be. Take for instance what our ancestors did when they had cold hands – it wasn’t like they could put them in their pockets like a kangaroo. Someone had to go out and invent hand-clothes. Which also meant inventing needle and thread and a whole heap of other stuff involving skinning animals and what-have-you. These hand-clothes changed the world, they really did. For the first time in history, you didn’t have to worry about cold hands when you went out, and therefore people went out more often, leading directly to the invention of pubs and modern nightlife.

The first hand-clothes were simple affairs, little more than fur-lined bags you could put your hands in. But evolution took over, and soon these bags had become form-fitting so that you could have the full use of your hand and fingers – nowadays we call these ‘gloves’. I’m a big fan of gloves, because I like riding motorcycles. And this brings us to an interesting observation, because there are one and a half billion Chinese people who also like riding motorcycles (if not very skilfully), and yet they don’t use gloves. They use little bags for their hands. Even worse than the fact that evolution never had the slightest effect on the concept of hand-clothes here in the Middle Kingdom, is the fact that it might actually have gone in reverse: instead of the bags becoming better and more flexible, the Chinese came up with a system whereby the bags are tied to the handlebars of the motorcycle and you thread your arms into them, thus precluding the possibility of your getting off the motorcycle with your arms still attached to your body in the event of an emergency, like a truck and a blind corner, for instance.

One sees this in every single aspect of life here in China. When you want entertaining, you probably pay to go to a concert, or the theatre, or a comedy club. Here in China, we get a first-class comedy show every day on every street, for free! How good is that?

In fact, I have given the subject of evolution some serious thought of late, and I have come to the staggering but frankly only possible conclusion, which is that evolution does not exist in China, except perhaps in a negative sense.

Perhaps that’s why the national motto is : 5,000 years and still developing.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Food | 37 Comments »

You Dirty Rat

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, May 18, 2010

They fought the dogs and killed the cats,
And bit the babies in the cradles,
And ate the cheeses out of the vats,
And licked the soup from the cooks’ own ladles,
Split open the kegs of salted sprats,
Made nests inside men’s Sunday hats,
And even spoiled the women’s chats,
By drowning their speaking
With shrieking and squeaking
In fifty different sharps and flats.

It seems that China is experiencing a Plague of Rats. Again. And this is of course a matter of some concern for us all, though I must confess that it doesn’t concern me nearly as much as the stories of a Plague of, well, Plague that is sweeping across the nation. And I’m half convinced the stories must have some truth to them, else why would the Government be denying them so strenuously?

What is it with China and Plagues, anyway? It’s all here, you know, from SARS and bird flu and swine flu, to Hand Foot & Mouth disease and half-a-dozen things labelled as being H-number-N-number. The CDC are currently talking about an outbreak of measles and go on to warn travellers to China of the risks of encephalitis, malaria, dengue, filariasis, tickbourne encephalitis, leishmaniasis, schistosomiasis and leptospirosis. They also warn that taking Chinese medicines is as likely to kill you as it is to kill the disease, but what do they know, really?

The BBC has been reporting on a mysterious HIV-like disease that is spreading like wildfire, with victims saying things like: “Twenty-four hours [after having sex with a prostitute] I had a strong desire to vomit. I had headaches, I was dizzy, I could feel my internal organs were swelling up. I was in intense pain. This lasted months.” The Pasteur Institute is taking this very seriously, and so far has confirmed that whatever it is, it isn’t HIV. Of course, on the other hand, the Government has made it perfectly clear that “their illness could be the result of a mental rather than a physical condition.” Okay, fine. If you say so. I reckon it’s just as likely to be the result of eating the disgustingly vile muck that passes for ‘food’ in this hellhole. I’ve heard rumours that pneumonic plague has escaped the quarantine zone around the north-western town of Ziketan, but for the record I’d like to state that these rumours are certainly malicious and untrue. Also, for the record, spreading or listening to rumours can get you shot, or so it’s rumoured.

China gave the world the Black Death, and that’s no rumour – it’s an historical fact (though not perhaps a fact one can find in a Chinese history book). A doctor friend of mine says it’s also a fact that China has the world’s highest rate of appendicitis, caused when poorly cooked rice is not digested and goes septic in the intestines. Mind you, removing internal organs is at least something that most hospitals in China have a vast amount of experience at doing. There is an incredibly high incidence of rabies, Hepatitis A and B (and probably C, D, E and F as well), AIDS, and quite literally dozens of unidentified influenza-type diseases besides.

There is, as we speak, a Plague of Boils, judging by what I see every time I take a countryside bus. And a Plague of Lice. I feel confident in saying that there is no Plague of the Death of the First-Born, however there is certainly a Plague of the Death of the Second- and even Third-Born, and sometimes of the Parents Who Didn’t Follow The One-Child Policy as well. It’s entirely possible that there is a Plague of Frogs, but really how would you know in a country where frogs get themselves eaten the moment they stick their heads above the parapet? Which brings us nicely back to the current Plague of Rats.

The Government, to be fair, is doing the best it can under the circumstances, spreading hundreds of tons of poison across the vast areas of land, and with some effect. That effect has been the death by poisoning of all the cats and dogs, though it must be said that the rats are still doing fine, thank you. And perhaps this is just as well, given how popular rat meat is in this country. Wet markets are reporting an enormous increase in the supply of rat meat, which is often used to make a spicy rat stew, and though in Beijing and Shanghai restaurants frequently mix rat meat with lamb fat to disguise the taste, the experienced gourmand can tell the difference (the difference being the small size of the meat lumps, the stringy gristle, and the pieces of lamb fat amongst the meat). But at least the snakes are doing well, what with all the rats to eat, and that means that snake is also on the menu at just about every sit-down meal in the land.

What the hell is wrong with you, Chinese People? If it moves, you eat it. If it doesn’t move, you kick it until it moves. I mean, honestly, Bird’s Nest Soup? What the fuck is that all about? It’s the nest of a cave-dwelling bird and it’s made from bird spit! Shark Fin Soup? I’ve had it, and I’m relieved to be able to say that the best one can say for it is that it is slimy and tasteless, a bit like the population of the country as a whole. Seriously, if you want slimy and tasteless, why not just use way too much MSG, the same as you do for every single other thing you cook. And don’t start on me with your tales of China World Famous Cuisines, because that’s bullshit and you know it. I know for a fact that I’m not the first to observe that your ‘Famous Cuisines’ consist of cabbage dumplings, cabbage and pickle dumplings, pickle dumplings, and shit (possibly in a dumpling). It’s no wonder you are all so weedy, weak, and pathetic, with your protruding teeth and sunken chests and titless women. In the name of all that is holy, just eat a fucking steak, and I don’t mean a thin strip of hormone-injected schnitzel with a few macaroni curls on top. That isn’t steak, not even close. If you don’t know that, you probably don’t even know what a purplised grumbler is. What’s a purplised grumbler? Exactly my fucking point. Get a grip.

Here’s some advice: take your ‘delicious food’ and your ‘very healthy’ medicines and your disease and dirt and disgusting culture and stick it up your arse, or at least keep it to yourselves. Because we don’t want any of it.

This post has been brought to you by the letters of the fucking Alphabet and numbers that don’t look like childish pictographs. I dedicate this post to Charlie_Sierra, who gave me the motivation I needed.


Posted in China, Environment, Food | 29 Comments »

A Proper Breakfast

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, March 28, 2009

It’s Saturday morning, you’ve gotten up early to get things done, and you’re now at the point where breakfast is on the cards. You don’t normally have time for anything more than a cup of joe and a cigarette, so you’re really looking forward to this.

Let’s start with the bacon, shall we? Four rashers of smoked Danish back bacon, slightly crispy. Mmmmm… Scrambled eggs, with a hint of black pepper, straight from the mill. Toast, naturally, made from fresh wholegrain bread and slathered in real Irish salted butter (not that nasty margarine shite that’s made from plastic).

Then the coffee: a pint of steaming brain juice, made from freshly ground beans imported from Brazil, and laced with a generous splash of dark rum (it makes the cigarette taste even better, trust me).

And what, you might ask, does this have to do with China? Nothing at all, and that is precisely the point.

No tasteless buns filled with rat innards or softened cardboard, no salted duck eggs with rotten pickles, and no watery reheated rice, thank you Mr Wang. And while we’re at it, no bloody muesli either, so all the lesbians and filmstars can go and get knotted.

Just a healthy, nutritious, delicious breakfast.

A proper breakfast.

Posted in Food | 1 Comment »

Quotations From Bastards

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, September 3, 2007

From the Land That Time Forgot, these quotations…

“China is highly transparent in terms of military policies and security strategy, as reflected in its commitment to no-first-use of nuclear weapons… [but] Transparency will always be relative. The key point is mutual trust.”
– Peng Guangqian

Yeah, except that China has a stated first-use policy and is internationally known for having the least transparent set of military policies and budgets on earth.

The number of cases involving foreign institutions and individuals conducting illegal surveying and mapping in China has been on the rise in recent years, according to the State Bureau of Surveying and Mapping (SBSM).

In the first six months of this year, local authorities have handled five cases and investigating five others in the Xinjiang Uygur Autonomous Region, Shanghai Municipality, and Jiangxi and Jiangsu provinces.

SBSM said most of these foreigners came into the country under the disguise of scientists, tourists, expeditionists, and archaeologists.

The results of these foreigners’ surveying and mapping belong to China, and must not be brought and transmitted abroad without official permission by Chinese authorities, according to the law.

Foreigners who have illegally surveyed, collected and published geographical information on China will be severely punished according to law.
– ChinaDaily

These cases involve innocent people entering positional data into their GPS handsets. Hell, it includes me, since I’ve entered waypoints into my GPS-enabled cellphone. Come and get me. .

“Organic farming is not a new thing in Chinese agriculture. We did it thousands of years ago and now we are just going back to the traditions with some modern technologies.”
– Guo Changjun

Yeah. Modern Technology. Like not shitting in the rice paddy and calling it ‘Organic Farming’.

“China consistently spares no efforts to enforce its IPR legislation with great success acknowledged by the international community… It is regrettable for China to see the United States has chosen to request the establishment of a panel in spite of China’s efforts to settle this dispute through consultations.”
– Chinese WTO Delegation

Except that China rejected consultations under “relevant WTO regulations”.

If one person has too many babies, the whole village will have their tubes tied!
One pregnancy gets the ring. Two pregnancies gets your tubes tied. The third and fourth, kill kill kill!
– Family Planning Slogans


“The reality of this country’s economic reforms is that the country, the race, is prospering. This must be extolled. It can only be extolled. There can’t be anyone who makes fun of it. People who do either have ulterior motives or they’re mentally challenged… As a Chinese director … as a Chinese actor, this point of view must be firmly entrenched.”
– Han Sanping, China Film Group Chairman


An unidentified official with the [Zhejiang] provincial industry and commerce bureau said that a thorough inspection shall be carried out for imported food products.

He also warned people to be cautious of taking foreign nourishment and avoid blind faith in expansive [sic] products.

Yeah. Better to stick to cardboard-filled buns, right?

If we are serious about protecting Chinese culture, maybe we should begin by preventing our language from being Europeanized.
– Zou Hanru, ChinaDaily ‘opinion’ writer


Foreign acquisitions of Chinese companies will be subject to stringent new checks intended to protect national economic security under a new law passed Thursday.

“As well as anti-monopoly checks stipulated by this law, foreign mergers with, or acquisitions of, domestic companies or foreign capital investing in domestic companies’ operations in other forms should go through national security checks according to relevant laws and regulations”
– From the new Anti-Monopoly Law


Foreign investors are urged to pay more attention to environmental protection and energy conservation.

“China will strengthen restrictions on foreign investment in energy-intensive high polluting and low efficiency industries.”
– Vice-Minister of Commerce Wei Jianguo

Yeah, because that’s the exclusive traditional domain of Chinese companies.

Posted in Censorship, ChinaDaily, Environment, Food, Human Rights, Lies & Damned Lies, Propaganda, Rules of the Road | Tagged: , , , , , | 2 Comments »

10 Uses For Cardboard-Filled Baozi

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Baozi (Chinese: 包子; Pinyin: bāozi), a type of steamed, filled bun.

It was recently reported that there was a story about a factory in Beijing that was using softened waste cardboard instead of pork as filling in its buns. Then another story that the first story was fake. Blah blah blah. What’s wrong with cardboard baozi, I ask you? There are many uses for them…

1. Tampon Substitute. The cardboard is highly absorbent, and a cardboard-filled baozi is far cheaper than the traditional bran-filled muffin.

2. Close Combat Weapon. As everyone knows, Dwarf-bread is often used as an emergency close combat weapon. Dwarven-bread buns can be cheaply replaced with baozi for non-lethal applications such as peacekeeping, and baozi also make for an inexpensive training round.

3. CCP Official Paperweight. Need something to stop your piles of hongbao blowing away? Use a baozi filled with high-density cardboard. For the man who has taken everything.

4. Sandbag Replacement. Perfect for makeshift dams and dykes, especially when the rivers flood. If only the Three Gorges Dam was so sturdy…

5. Novelty Dogpoo. It looks, smells and tastes just like the real thing!

6. Douchebag. Not an original idea, the Chinese invented the Doushabao 5,000 years ago, during the reign of Emperor Nasi Goreng.

7. Campfire Fuel. Have you ever been camping and wanted to light a fire, only to discover that every stick of wood within 1,200Km was cut down decades ago to build a ladder from China to the Moon? Well campers, your troubles are over, thanks to the all new and improved cardboard-filled baozi. These little babies make great fuel for all your campfire needs. Don’t leave home without one!

8. Fashion Accessory. From earrings to handbags, there’s a baozi in your size. Simply open it up, remove the packaging, and voila!

9. Princess Leia Disguise. Any two matching cardboard baozi can be easily adapted into a wig for the balding female Star Wars fan (brasswork bikini sold seperately).

10. Food. If all else fails, you can always eat it. Not only does cardboard contain 317% more nutrition than any other known Chinese cuisine, the industrial chemicals kill 74% of E.coli and other bacteria, making the cardboard-filled baozi actually safer to eat than regular baozi.

Posted in Food | Tagged: , | 4 Comments »

Cardboard Buns

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, July 22, 2007

A Story Of Delicious Chinese Food

As you may have heard, there was a story about a factory in Beijing that was using softened waste cardboard instead of pork as filling in its buns. The story hit the big time, then the Party decided to label it a hoax, and arrested the reporter who filmed the story.

Now, I’m not saying the story was true or not. I don’t know, I wasn’t there, and I never eat those horrible Chinese buns if there is anything else to eat (like an old boot, for instance). I will point out that cardboard as food is not a new thing in China, and indeed it was served up to prisoners a few years ago when food was scarce. Further, whilst the story may very well be a hoax, there’s this report from the Beijing TV Life Channel, on the ‘Degree of Transparency’ report:

Although the Beijing “cardboard buns” were proclaimed to be a fake news item, our reporter went out yesterday to the worksite at Number 13 courtyard in Shizikou village, Taiyanggong town, Chaoyang district and found out that the place was on full alert. Neighbors said that the place was occupied by small production outfits that made fake tobacco, fake wine, lousy-quality food and lunch boxes. But since the landlord had good connections at the town government, they always managed to pass inspections.

During the news gathering yesterday, our reporter was assaulted by unidentified persons. When the reporter called the Taiyanggong town government, the official stalled for time while calling the worksite director to warn about snooping reporters.

At the scene yesterday, our reporter observed that there was a high level of security outside number 13 in Shizikou village. There were uniformed security guards as well as unidentified men keeping watch.

When the reporter asked a cleaner where number 13 was located, the cleaner was immediately warned by a man not to talk. When the men found out who the reporter was, one of them came up to push the reporter around while threatening: “If you dare to go in, you better be careful that someone will beat you up.” The reporter called the Taiyanggong town government for assistance. The town deputy party secretary named Huang said that he does not know about what is happening. When the reporter asked the town government to send someone as company, the deputy party secretary said that all their party cadres are in meetings and therefore nobody can be dispatched. He asked the reporter to go by himself. He said that they would inform the village and the reporter can call the police if he feels that his personal safety is at risk.

When the reporter returned to Number 13 courtyard in Shizikou village, a woman told him that the town leader had just telephoned to warn them not to let any reporter in.

Frankly, I long ago stopped trusting anything I heard in this Godawful place, and since Chinese food is about as healthy as eating a dead rat wrapped in a mouldy blanket, I reckon cardboard buns would be better for you. Anyway, an independant experiment was conducted to see whether cardboard could be made to look like pork, and here is the result:

In each photo, one half is filled with pork, the other with softened cardboard. Which is which?

Mmmmmm….. Delicious.

(Thanks to Roland for the photo’s and news report)

Posted in Food, Media | Tagged: , , | 5 Comments »