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Happy National Defense Education Day

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, September 18, 2010

Today (in China, obviously) is National Defense [sic] Education Day. That’s a cutesy name for what is really Stoke Up Nationalist Hatred Of Japan Day. It’s an ancient day of remembrance since 2007, and is celebrated by air-raid drills and a nationwide ringing of alarms.

It’s a good time then to take a quick look at the Senkaku Islands. China claims them to be an indisputable part of Chinese territory since ancient times (of course), but then China also says the same thing about Taiwan, Tibet, Korea, East Turkestan, Hawaii, Australia, the Arctic Ocean, and the entire South China Sea. I think it’s probably safe to say that their claim to the Senkaku Islands is based on equally substantial evidence, but for the record, let’s just take a quick look at what everyone else in the world considers to be ‘historical fact’:

The Senkaku Islands comprise five small volcanic islands and three rocky outcroppings with a total land area of just seven square kilometres. They were first discovered and mapped by Japanese explorers and finally were formally incorporated into Japanese territory in 1895. A number of surveys have been conducted on the islands, and no trace of any previous habitation or prior ownership has ever been found. Since 1895, the islands have continuously remained as an integral part of Japan’s territory.

In 1895, China and Japan also jointly signed the Treaty of Shimonoseki, in which the Emperor of China stated that: “China cedes to Japan in perpetuity and full sovereignty of the Penghu group, Taiwan and the eastern portion of the bay of Liaodong Peninsula together with all fortifications, arsenals and public property.” The Chinese now claim that the Treaty of Shimonoseki wasn’t fair, and refuse to recognise it today. They now claim that all the bits they ceded away are still theirs, regardless of the fact that they ceded them away in an internationally-recognised document. By their reckoning, therefore, the Senkaku islands are still part of China. Except, and here’s the kicker, that the Senkaku Islands were never part of the Pescadores group of islands that were ceded to Japan in the first place. As a result of this small and inconvenient truth, the Senkaku Islands were not included in the territory which Japan renounced under Article II of the 1952 Francisco Peace Treaty. They were instead placed under the administration of the United States as part of the Nansei Shoto Islands, in accordance with Article III of that treaty, with the United States later handing administrative rights back to Japan.

All this time, China made not the slightest objection to any of this. In fact, China had nothing at all to say on the entire subject until oil was discovered there at the end of 1970, when they suddenly and very conveniently produced ‘historical records’ proving that the Senkaku Islands had been used exclusively by China since 1403. Hmmm. Gavin Menzies would be impressed.

Anyway, moving on… Even China does not dispute the fact that Japan exercised control of the Senkaku Islands from 1895 until the Second World War, and in fact officially recognised the fact that the islands were part of Japan’s Okinawa Prefecture. So what’s the problem? I mean, apart from extreme nationalism, oil, and pig-ignorance, of course? Oh yes, a claim that a few Chinese fisherman caught some fish in the area back in 1403.

So, here’s my question:

Can sovereignty claims based on a complete lack of any legal, historical or physical evidence, and backdated to fourteenth century Asia, be considered as a basis of ownership in a modern international legal system?

I think not. And hey, for once the International Legal System is on my side.

Happy National Defense Education Day. Idiots.

Posted in Annexed Territories, China, Festivals et al, Lies & Damned Lies | 12 Comments »

Happy Birthday, Falling Cow

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, October 1, 2009

I’m constantly being reminded that China is the most ancient country in the world. It’s something that people are obliged to mention at least once every time they meet a foreigner. “Yes, I do like the new BMW 6 series convertible, did you know that cars were invented in China, the oldest country in the world?” is a fairly normal example. Personally, I wouldn’t be too quick to admit to coming from the country that has been developing longest for the least net gain, but that’s just a personal bias. ‘Five Thousand Years and Still Developing’ might be a catchy slogan, but it isn’t one that I’d want greeting tourists as they stepped off the plane in my country.

Now, about China being the oldest country in the world… that isn’t exactly true, but Ill concede that there is a history in this region that goes back a long way, almost as far as some European countries, in fact. Let us examine a few details together:

China, better known as Red China, formally known as the People’s Republic of China (and known by everyone who has ever visited as the People’s Republic of Cheats), was founded October 1st, 1949, after the legally elected government was overthrown by communist rebels. How old is China? Sixty. That’s younger than my father, and come to think of it, he’s in better condition mentally and physically too (though he has no plans to be World Hegemon that I am aware of).

To be fair though, when Chinese talk about how old China is, they are not referring to the PRC. They are talking about their culture. Fair enough, that’s reasonable, even if we are to overlook the fact that there is more culture in a pot of yoghurt. So, how old is the culture? And what is this ‘China’ that the Han are so keen on?

China: A History Lesson.

The first thing you need to understand is that the Chinese don’t know how to measure time properly. Really, I’m not being facetious, they really have no idea of dates and stuff. To them, all the entire history of the universe is measured in terms of Dynasties. Everything from the Big Bang on is subject to rule by a Chinese Dynasty. Sounds crazy, I know, but that’s just the way it is for these people. Unfortunately, the truth is that most of these ‘Dynasties’ did not actually exist in the sense of actual historical fact. Take this one for instance:

Xia Dynasty (ca. 2,070 BC to 1,600 BC)
This was the first ‘Official’ Dynasty, if we look past the even more dubious Dynasties of Homo Erectus et al. Most serious scholars doubt it’s existence, though most will concede that primitive people were scratching a living out of the mud and grass at the time. They probably used fire, and this is why the Chinese claim to have been the inventors of Fire. Hey, you know what? That’s a good enough story that I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt – China has certainly existed since 2,070 BC. Let’s have a look at a map of contemporary China, shall we:

Xia Dynasty 2,070 BC – 1,600 BC

The first actually proven Dynasty, as indicated by actual evidence, was the Shang (1,600 BC to 1,046 BC). However, what is referred to by the Chinese as being a ‘Dynasty’, was really little more than a collection of villages, without much in the way of a unifying power structure. It was, by any meaningful yardstick, no different to Neolithic Europe. The various tribes did apparently possess conceptual art, and scratched pictures of stick figures in shells – the Chinese today claim that this proves that Chinese invented language, but this was no more a language than are chickens scratching their claws in the dust.

The Shang was followed by the Zhou. This was a real Dynasty, or ‘nation’ as we would say. It ran from 1,045 BC to 221 BC. This means that the Zhou got started around the same time as the Iron Age was rolling out product in Europe, the Phoenician and Tamil civilisations were using advanced systems of writing, and the Assyrians (amongst others) were getting started on the Empire Building game. The Zhou were a motley collection of military states that relied heavily on technology such as the chariot (imported from the more advanced Central Asian states) and heavy state control. Some have claimed that the Zhou understood iron-working, and this may even be true, but it was a bronze-age culture. Let’s take a look at the Zhou, shall we?

Zhou Dynasty 1,045 BC – 221 BC

It is incorrect to think of the Zhou as one happy nation, as there were in fact many small nations, each fighting tooth and nail for power over the others. This was a kind of Dark Ages, but the Chinese like names that sound lovely, so they call this the ‘Spring and Autumn Period‘. It was followed by the ‘Warring States Period‘, which was more of the same, but worse. In all, the Dark Ages lasted from the 8th century BC to 214 BC, when China’s first real Chairman seized power. His name was Qin Shi Huangdi, he was a raving homosexual who took to wearing women’s clothes around the palace, and the state he founded is regarded as the model for the first truly Chinese state. Here’s what it looked like:

Qin Dynasty 214 BC – 206 BC

The Qin Dynasty was short-lived, but it set the management style for all future generations of people to be ruled by China. That style consisted of brutal oppression of the masses, rigid control of the people by the state, and absolute power of the Chairman. Everyone was to speak the same, think the same, and act the same. Oh yes, Mister Qin had a very pronounced impact indeed! In the 20th Century, Dictator Mao Zedong was known to have studied Qin Shi Huangdi very closely, and styled his new People’s Republic closely along the lines of the Qin Dynasty. Mao even went as far as practising man-love too. Who says history never repeats?

The Han came next, lasting from 202 BC to 220 AD. The Han are the ethnic group that today exercises total control over all territory garrisoned by the Red Army, including Tibet, East Turkestan and even parts of Mongolia. At the time, however, they were far smaller, as can be seen here:

Han Dynasty 202 BC – 220 AD
The First Chinese Dynasty

The Han Dynasty grew by granting neighbouring states the ‘status’ of Autonomous Regions, which over time came to be absorbed by the Han via forced immigration. Despite this, in actual warfare the Han lost at least as many battles as they won, and frequently signed Treaties with their enemies as a means of avoiding being carved up in return. No such Treaties were ever meant to be honoured, of course. Nevertheless, however you look at it, the Han were successful in consolidating Chinese power, and were in fact the first properly Chinese Dynasty. China is therefore definitively 2,211 years old, at least in terms of culture.

After the Han Dynasty fell over, lots of people took turns at running the place, including Tibetans, Turks, Mongolians, and other groups who are today referred to as ‘minorities’, but it wasn’t until the Tang Dynasty raised it’s head that ‘China’ got put back together again. The Tang (618 AD to 907 AD) were arguably the only Chinese Dynasty who were even vaguely enlightened, making Buddhism the State Religion and encouraging trade with the nations to the west. The Tang benefited greatly from the import of technology and ideas from Europe and the Middle East and represent the high water mark of Chinese culture. They also managed to successfully invade a number of regions to the west. Here’s how things looked at their peak:

Tang Dynasty 618 AD – 907 AD

Following the Tang, the region fell back into the Dark Ages, but things looked up with the advent of the Song Dynasty. The Song were not Han Chinese, although the Han today claim otherwise. It was during the Song that the so-called Great Inventions took place. The Song were defeated comprehensively by the Mongol conqueror Genghis Khan, and nearly all of East Asia became part of the Mongolian Empire. The Chinese today claim that Genghis Khan was Chinese, and thus that China during the so-called ‘Yuan Dynasty’ extended as far as Europe, but of course that is nonsense. After the Yuan Dynasty collapsed (the Mongols never really were much good at administration), large parts of their territory were administered by the Ming Dynasty. The Ming were Han, the men wore dresses and nail varnish, and they inherited a large chunk of land from their former overlords:

Ming Dynasty 1368 AD – 1644 AD

During the Ming, there was constant war with the neighbours, and large empires such as that of Tibet frequently sent them packing. Despite this, the Ming were a strong state, and consolidated their power over ‘minorities’ by forced military colonisation and a huge secret police force that killed hundreds of thousands of people. The Ming invented the philosophical concept of ‘sinification‘ of other ethnic groups by these, and other means.

The Ming were replaced by the Qing who, being Manchu, were as Chinese as the Song and Yuan had been. Despite this, the Chinese today claim that the Qing was also Chinese.

The next, and most recent, Chinese Dynasty was the Chinese Communist Dynasty (1949 AD to present), founded when the legally elected Government was overthrown by Communist rebels. Their leader, Mao Zedong, has gone down as the most brutal dictator in human history, being responsible for more deaths than Genghis Khan, Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin combined. The brutality of his reign is largely overlooked by Han Chinese today, as he possessed the virtue of hating foreigners even more than he hated his own people. During the Communist Dynasty, China has more than doubled in size, by invading and annexing many of it’s neighbours. Quite an accomplishment, and one which the Han people are keen to continue with in the future, if the feeling on the streets is anything to go by. They are celebrating their 60th birthday today. Many of the men have also taken to mincing about in the streets again. There’s a definite pattern there.

China, sixty years old and going on five thousand, happy birthday. Here’s your Falling Cow:

Happy Birthday, Falling Cow
Year of the Falling Cow

Posted in Annexed Territories, China, Falling Cow Zone, Festivals et al, Lies & Damned Lies | 74 Comments »

A Bit Of Perspective, Please?

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, July 8, 2009

On the 1st of September 1939, the Nazi’s invaded and subsequently annexed Poland. In April 1940 the Nazi’s were at it again, invading Denmark and Norway. In May, France and the Low Countries were invaded.

In each case, the Nazi’s were successful, defeating their victims and then launching crackdowns and pogroms that eventually led to the deaths of millions.

The Free World went to war on behalf of the victims of Nazi oppression, and supported materially the various resistance groups who were fighting the Nazi scourge from within. It was not an easy thing to do, but it was the right thing to do, and the end result was that the Nazi’s were defeated, the peoples they had subjugated were liberated, and the world was made a better place.

It’s a terrible story with a happy ending, but here’s another, similar, story for you to consider:

In 1949 the Chinese Communist Party seized power from the legal government of China, and the dictator Mao Zedong immediately ordered the invasion and subsequent annexation of China’s culturally superior but militarily weak neighbours East Turkestan (or what later came to be known as Xinjiang, meaning New Frontier) and Mongolia. The following year, the Red Army was at it again, invading Tibet, and carving it up into several provinces, each of which was to become a part of New China.

In each case, the Communists were successful, defeating their victims and then launching crackdowns and pogroms that eventually led to the deaths of millions.

The Free World, tired from WWII and busy fighting to keep the Chinese from over-running and occupying the Korean Peninsula, did nothing.

And thus it was that the various resistance groups fighting the CCP scourge received little or no support and the peoples of these occupied nations were never freed from the tyranny of Communist Occupation.

There’s been a lot of talk in the media recently about how violence is bad and how all sides should be nice to one another and about how innocent people are being hurt. But here’s a thought for you: How would you feel if your nation had been invaded by brutal, murderous thugs? How would you feel if your new colonial masters set about systematically destroying your livelihood, banning you from practising your religion, taking apart your temples and churches, imprisoning your political and spiritual leaders, conducting mass sterilisations of your womenfolk, flooding your country with settlers, banning you from speaking your language and denying work to you if you tried? How would you feel if your nation’s ancient cities were bulldozed to make way for concrete accommodation blocks for the new settlers, while you were relegated to the countryside? How would you feel if, instead of this occupation lasting a mere six years, as it did in Nazi Europe, it had lasted sixty years and there was still no end in sight, and no sign at all of anything getting any better?

Would it be fair to say that you would continue turning the other cheek, and simply accept it? Or would it perhaps be more accurate to suggest that you might feel that you were entitled to strike back?

I challenge you to name a single example in human history, where an occupied nation was freed without the use of force of some kind.

These ‘rioters’ are nothing of the sort. They are freedom fighters, and they are heroes. And we in the Free World have let them down, badly. I for one applaud their bravery, their courage, and their spirit, and though I do not see how they can win freedom by this or indeed any course of action at all, I admire them for trying. It is, after all, better to die standing than to live on your knees, at least according to Emiliano Zapata.

Please feel free to disagree with me on this. But don’t bother bleating your whiney platitudes here, unless you actually have some experience of having seen your family, your culture, and your nation subjugated by a brutal totalitarian regime. For all you pink-spectacled tossers, why not go somewhere else where you can wring your hands about the wrong group of people being democratically elected in Iran?

If you are Han and wish to make a complaint, please write to GloriousMotherland@Lies4U.com

Posted in Annexed Territories, China, Human Rights, Media | 47 Comments »

My Wet Pussy Award – April 2008

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, April 30, 2008

It wasn’t enough for me this month to merely name some hopeless schmuk as a Wet Pussy, just because he had sided with the butchers in Beijing. Oh no, I wanted more. I wanted a bigger fish to fry, and by the Lords of Kobol I got it.

Now, to be perfectly Francis with you, I’ve always kind of liked the Kiwi’s. They play good rugby, drink good beer and plenty of it, can usually manage a laugh at themselves, and have a healthy disrespect of authority. I like that. I’ve also been to New Zealand, and it’s a very nice place indeed. Good huntin’ and fishin’ for those of us who’re into that sort of thing, amazing rivers and lakes and ocean and forest and snow, and all that good Nature stuff. And Hobbits, everybody likes Hobbits.

The thing is, I never thought I’d live to see the day when I’d side with the French over the New Zealanders. The French do have somewhat of a, er, shall we say reputation for, er, shall we say not always making the bravest or most moral decisions. I’m not saying that I hold that opinion myself, you understand, but it’s a reputation that precedes any French citizen, fairly or otherwise. And it’s a reputation that is diametrically different from that which the Kiwi’s possess. So you can imagine my shock and horror when the French honoured His Holiness the Dalai Lama with the keys to the city (Paris), and the Kiwi’s honoured Hu Jintao (a.k.a. the Butcher of Lhasa) with a Free Trade Agreement.

What the fuck were those idiots thinking? Why not simply give Poland to Hitler’s descendants? Same deal.

So, to my everlasting sadness, I was ready to award April’s Wet Pussy Award to New Zealand, when out of the blue, Australian politician and all-round fucktard Kim Beasley gives an interview on Chinese TV and, when asked about Australia’s position vis-a-vis Tibet, says: “Well, let’s get back to first principles. Everyone in the world knows that Tibet and Taiwan are now and have always been part of China.”

Mister Beasley, are you out of your tiny retarded fucking mind? Who the hell are you to speak for everybody in the world? You can’t even speak for the people of your own country, ever since your own party kicked you out of the hot seat. When I hear knuckleheads like you speaking, it reminds me of the joke about the Eighth Wonder of the World being an Australian in a bar… with his mouth shut.

Mister Beasley, how dare you sell out the tens of millions of poor sods in Taiwan and Tibet, who look to your country with hope? How dare you hand the murdering bastards in Beijing such a propaganda coup? Sure, it was a question that was hard to answer, so why answer it at all? You’re a politician! You’ve spent years not answering questions, distorting facts, telling lies – surely you could have kept yer trap shut just this once? What the Hell were you thinking? Mister Beasley, pray you never run into me in a bar, unless you want to be picking up your teeth with broken fingers, then walking to the dentist’s on broken legs.

Mister Beasley, it is my greatest pleasure to be able to sling this Wet Pussy Award at you. I hope you go and choke on it.

Kim Beasley, Wet Pussy Award winner and right bastard.

Posted in Annexed Territories, Wet Pussy Awards | 39 Comments »

A True History of the P.R.C.

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, August 27, 2007

October 1st, 1949
Just four years after the end of the Second World War, the first Brave Chinese emerges from hiding under his bed. His name is Mao Zedong (lit. Hairy Fat Bastard). Unopposed by either the Government or the military (none of whom have been seen since the first Japanese tourist set foot in China back in 1937), Mao proclaims to the world:

“China has stood up! Actually, we stood up quite quickly, and now our head is a bit dizzy. We’re going to sit down again now, but we’ll probably have another go at it in fifty years or so, after we’ve had a bit of a rest.”

Mao, realising the true greatness of the Chinese Spirit, immediately orders the formation of a New Model Army* (TM) (*available only in Red), and the invasion of both East Turkestan and Mongolia. The fighting is fierce and at times it looks as though the Red Army might lose, but in the end the fact that neither East Turkestan nor Mongolia are in possession of any soldiers, weapons, or indeed anything more dangerous than a punnet of yak butter, proves to be decisive. Chinese scholars immediately discover a map showing that “…these regions have always been a part of China since ancient times”.

The new Chinese National Flag is described by Mao as representing ‘New Democracy‘, with the large star symbolizing the Communist Party of China’s leadership, and the surrounding four smaller stars symbolizing the Bloc of Four Classes: proletarian workers, peasants, petty bourgeoisie, and the nationally-based capitalists. Foreign groups such as Cambodia’s Khmer Rouge, Peru’s Shining Path, the New People’s Army of the Philippines, and the Maoist Communist Party of India, later agree that Mao was on to a good thing.

Mao, realising the continuing true greatness of the Chinese Spirit, orders the invasion of Tibet. The fighting is fierce and at times it looks as though the Red Army might lose, but in the end the fact that Tibet is not in possession of any soldiers, weapons, or indeed anything more dangerous than a prayer wheel, proves to be decisive. Chinese scholars immediately discover a map showing that “…this region has always been a part of China since ancient times”.

Later the same year, a People’s Volunteer Army* (*note complete non-resemblance to, or any affiliation with, the People’s Liberation Army), march across the Sino-Korean border in order to take part in the Aid Korea, Fight America Campaign. This, too, is a huge success, with nearly 54,000 Evil Capitalist Running Dogs killed at a cost of only a million or so Volunteers KIA.

Mao launches the Three Anti’s Movement, in which the people are liberated from the evils of money, food, and independent thought. The people, freed from their burdens, rush to work every morning in labour camps all over the country.

The last Oppressive Foreign Capitalist Running Dogs are thrown out of the (now much-enlarged-since-ancient-times) country, and their (stolen) property nationalised in the name of the Chinese Communist Party. Mao celebrates with a hundred young girls and a few young boys, and declares that “…there is no prostitution in China”. Shanghai, formerly known as ‘The Whore of the Orient’, is renamed ‘The Keen Amateur Cadre Who Works In The Barbershop Around The Corner of the Orient’.

Following the runaway success of the Three Anti’s Movement, Mao launches the Five Anti’s Movement, in which the people are liberated from the evils of money, food, independent thought, their homes, and their children. The program is a hugely popular one, with over 15,000 trained propagandists working in Shanghai alone. As many as 18,000 confessions of sin are made in the first week of February 1952, and 210,000 by the end of the first month. Some big companies voluntarily make 1,000 confessions a day. The owner of the Dahua copper company originally over-confesses to having illegally obtained 50 million yuan. His employees encourage him to confess to greater crimes, however, and he re-confesses to having obtained a staggering 2 billion yuan, a sum greater than the entire Gross Domestic Product, and nearly enough to purchase a decent steak meal somewhere in Texas.

The [insert random number here] Anti’s Movement concept works so well, in fact, that repeat performances are scheduled to be given to receptive audiences for the next five decades:

1953 New Three-Anti Campaign
1957 Party Rectification
1957-1958 Anti-Rightist Movement
1961 Re-education of Party Members
1963-1964 New Five-Anti Campaign
1964 Party Rectification
1964-1966 Socialist Education
1969 Party Rectification
1981 Anti-Bourgeois Liberalization
1982 Anti-Corruption, Anti-Economic Crimes
1983 Party Rectification, Anti-Spiritual Pollution
1983-1987 Party Rectification
1987 Anti-Bourgeois Liberalism
1987-1988 Against Bourgeois Liberalism
1989 Against Bourgeois Liberalism
1989-1992 Anti-Corruption Drive
1993-2000 Anti-Corruption Campaign

The Red Army seizes the Taiwanese-owned Yijiangshan Islands, forcing Taiwan to abandon the Yachen Islands. Mao orders the Red Army to begin shelling Taiwanese positions on the Quemoy and Matsu Islands. His order to “…fire continuously every waking moment that you are not eating” is taken seriously by his military commanders, and as many as five rounds are shot every weekday, except during National Holidays, when the soldiers are forced to work weekends as well. The Red Army eventually loses interest, after also losing well over 20,000 soldiers and almost all it’s landing craft. Mao doesn’t even notice, as he is distracted by a fly.

WAR! Chinese forces peacefully self-defend themselves against foreign aggression in Burma. The Evil Foreign Oppressors are taught a lesson by the Brave Chinese, who don’t even run away very much at all. This ‘Mass Incident‘ is not mentioned in later Chinese textbooks. Repeated Burmese demands for an apology go unreported in China.

The Great Leap Forward is announced, the stated aim of which is to enable China to quickly overtake Great Britain and the United States in the production of shoddy, unsellable goods, and worthless, unusable pig-iron. The Leap is a complete success, and forty-two million people celebrate by voluntarily starving themselves to death. General Peng Dehuai, Supreme Commander of the People’s Volunteer Army and Defense Minister, mistakenly mentions that he isn’t convinced by the economic benefits, but later comes to realise his mistake and beats himself to death in 1974.

In other news, the Red Army resumes shelling of the Quemoy and Matsu Islands, as a prelude to the invasion of Taiwan. Failing to make any headway, Mao issues a ‘Message to the Compatriots in Taiwan’, calling for a peaceful solution to the ‘Taiwan Issue’ and asking for all Chinese to unite against the “American plot to divide China”. Sporadic shelling continues until 1979.

Mao steps down as Chairman of the Party, saying that he wants to concentrate on his writing. His ‘Little Red Book’, he says, isn’t what the publishers are looking for at this time, and all the Chairmaning work doesn’t leave him enough time for any of his wives or children. He names Liu Shaoqi his successor.

WAR! Chinese forces peacefully self-defend themselves against foreign aggression in India. The Evil Foreign Oppressors are taught a lesson by the Brave Chinese, who don’t even run away very much at all. This ‘Mass Incident‘ is not mentioned in later Chinese textbooks. Repeated Indian demands for an apology go unreported in China.

WAR! Chinese forces peacefully self-defend themselves again against foreign aggression in India. The Evil Foreign Oppressors are again taught a lesson by the Brave Chinese, who don’t even run away very much at all this time, either. This ‘Mass Incident‘ is also not mentioned in later Chinese textbooks. Repeated Indian demands for an apology go unreported in China.

The Cultural Revolution, which never actually happened at all, ever, not even a little bit, we don’t know what you’re talking about, nothing to see here, doesn’t actually begin. The Central People’s Broadcasting Station doesn’t set up over seventy million hate-propaganda speakers all over the country, on every street and in every neighbourhood, and the non-existent Cultural Revolution Group doesn’t issue a statement saying:

“Chairman Mao is a genius, everything the Chairman says is truly great; one of the Chairman’s words will override the meaning of tens of thousands of ours.”

Tens of millions of young people are not there at the time. They are probably away visiting their aunts in the country or something. Millions of students don’t form gangs to torture and kill their teachers and professors, nurses and medical students don’t drown doctors in toilet effluent, not one single young person denounces his or her parents for any reason at all. Liu Shaoqi’s death is an unfortunate case of accidentally torturing himself to death and then cremating himself afterwards. Nearly three million people are certainly not brutally murdered by anyone at all, especially by the young people who are probably in the countryside visiting their aunts or something. And that’s all as it should be, particularly since those same young people would be in their late forties and early-to-late fifties today, and therefore running most of the companies and institutions in the country.

WAR! Chinese forces peacefully self-defend themselves against foreign aggression along the Sino-USSR border formed by the Amur and Ussuri Rivers, on which China claims the historic right to navigate since ancient times. The Evil Foreign Oppressors are taught a lesson by the Brave Chinese, who don’t even run away very much at all. This ‘Mass Incident‘ is not mentioned in later Chinese textbooks. Repeated Russian demands for an apology go unreported in China.

Business is booming, and a journalist, visiting at the invitation of the unfortunately-named Deng Xiaoping, reports that:

‘In 1969 the total output increased 90 percent over 1966. That increase was 100 percent over designated capacity. On this basis, in 1970 we fulfilled production 42 days ahead.”

Mao Zedong, the Great Helmsman, dies. His body is converted into a wax candle by means of Advanced Alchemy, and is put on display. Rumours that he later turns orange and has his ear fall off are greatly exaggerated. A verdict on his reign finds that he was 70% correct, and 30% incorrect. The 30% incorrect portion relates to his repeated hosting of Curry Night at Zhongnanhai, in which he would cook his Famous-in-the-World Beef Vindaloo. Lin Biao in particular had been a staunch critic of Mao’s Vindaloo’s, and refused to allow his own staff anything other than Traditional And Delicious Chinese Cuisine*

(*Ironically, Lin Biao died on September 13th, 1971, when his private jet crashed. The inquest found that both Lin’s pilots had been poisoned by actually eating Chinese food, and recommended that in future, at least one pilot eat real food, imported from the West. This led in turn to KFC, McDonalds and Coca-Cola being invited to set up operations throughout China, and Deng Xiaoping’s ‘Open Door Policy’).

On July 28th, there is an earthquake in Tangshan, killing as many as 750,000 people and destroying 93% of all residential buildings. Mao’s successor, Hua Guofeng, shows great concern for the feelings of all the Chinese people, by refusing to accept Evil Foreign Assistance.

The same year, China is admitted to the United Nations as a result of a typing error. Repeated calls for the typist to apologise go unreported in China.

Deng Xiaoping takes his place at the reins, and over a billion people spontaneously rush out and buy Deng-style suits, replacing the now-faded Mao-style suits. Deng, standing just 3 feet, 4 inches high, quickly becomes famous for his habit of chain-smoking cigarettes made from Panda skin. Panda populations plummet worldwide. Deng also orders the setting up of a ‘Birth Planning Commission’ in every town, the purpose of which is to ensure that useless girl babies no longer waste the State’s resources. Boy babies, on the other hand, are fine, just so long as people only have one of them per pair of parents.

Deng, focused on ‘Developing China’s Economic’, observes that:

“To get rich at the expense of everyone else, at any cost, by any means fair or foul, is glorious.”


“It doesn’t matter whether it is a black cat, or a white cat, as long as you can shove a stick up it’s arse, and sell it as a lamb kebab.”

WAR! Chinese forces peacefully self-defend themselves against foreign aggression in Vietnam. The Evil Foreign Oppressors are taught a lesson by the Brave Chinese, who don’t even run away very much at all. This ‘Mass Incident‘ is not mentioned in later Chinese textbooks. Despite the fact that the Red Army’s maps are 75 years out of date, that the Red Army is one of only two militaries in the world with no system of rank, that there is no air support, that they are armed with WWII-era weapons, that there are no modern logistics, communications or transport facilities, and casualties may well be as high as 75% (the Red Army later admits to a 25% casualty rate), the self-defending operation against Evil Foreign Oppressors is a complete victory. Repeated Vietnamese demands for an apology go unreported in China.

Wang XianSheng becomes the first Chinese citizen in history to look both ways before crossing the road. Sadly, this goes totally unnoticed by anyone else, thus answering the question: “If a tree falls down in the forest and there is no one around to hear it, does it make a sound?”. Obviously, it doesn’t.

Deng Xiaoping proclaims that Hong Kong is to be incorporated into China under a policy of something called ‘One Country, Two Systems’ – no one knows precisely what he is talking about, but most people in China suspect it has something to do with the electrical grid or voltages or something. Perhaps telephones. People in Hong Kong start purchasing flights to Vancouver.

June 4th, 1989
Starbucks officially opens it’s first outlet in Tienanmen Square, Beijing. Hundreds of thousands of students form an orderly queue and wait patiently for their chance to have a coffee. Fireworks to celebrate the opening of the store are mistakenly reported to be gunfire by Evil Foreign Media, NATO estimates of 7,000 deaths, and Soviet estimates of 10,000 deaths, are all cited as examples of why China is a Victim Of Foreign Aggression. Starbucks are told to relocate their outlet to the Forbidden City, where they won’t be able to cause any trouble in the future.

Shortly afterwards, Jiang Zemin is promoted to the top job. Over a billion Chinese citizens spontaneously rush out and buy cheap, ill-fitting business suits. Jiang Zemin is later credited with ‘Three Represents’, an enormous intellectual contribution to world philosophy. Put simply, ‘Three Represents’ states that the Chinese Communist Party is responsible for “…the requirements of the development of China’s advanced productive forces, the orientation of the development of China’s advanced culture, and the fundamental interests of the overwhelming majority of the people in China”. No one really understands it, but it sounds catchy all the same.

Hong Kong becomes a colony of China. Both the electrical and telephone systems get re-wired. Shares in airlines that fly out of Hong Kong go through the roof.

An Evil Cult manages to cause spiritual harm to the entire Chinese people. It is, quite rightly, banned from practising in future. Chinese leaders are praised by the Chinese media for following a correct path.

In other news, hospitals open their doors to Good Foreigners Who Need Organ Replacement Therapy.

A US Navy EP-3E, a converted airliner, deliberately and without warning initiates Air Combat Manoeuvres (dogfighting) with a pair of Chinese fighter aircraft. One of the Chinese fighters is hit by the US Navy aggressor, killing the Brave Pilot. The EP-3E is damaged, but makes it to Hainan Island, where it is carefully repaired one system at a time by Chinese technicians, and the US crew allowed to enjoy a stay at a luxurious hotel, gratis. The inflight recorders are retained by the Red Army for legal reasons.

Hu Jintao, known affectionately to his Tibetan colleagues as ‘the Butcher of Lhasa’, is promoted to the hot seat. He immediately sets about making sure that everyone is healthy, and that everyone is protected from Foreign Diseases. A few newspapers who have been printing irresponsible rumours are closed down for the good of the people, and some lawyers get what’s coming to ’em. Hu Jintao, as an avid musician, presides over the commissioning of a new ‘Harmonica Society’ – the response from jailbirds is overwhelming. The Red Army, too, is delighted, having had it’s wish-list fully granted.

‘Morally Correct’ media reporting and entertainment that is free of Evil Foreign Influences leads to a citizenry that is fully content in every way. Everyone is happy, and China becomes known as the Land Of Milk And Honey.

Posted in Annexed Territories, China, Human Rights, Lies & Damned Lies, Propaganda, Wang Xiansheng | Tagged: , | 32 Comments »

Fine Speech, Sir!

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, July 30, 2007

This is a speech given by Senator Frank Wolf, who sits on the House Appropriations Committee, State and Foreign Operations Subcommittee. The speech was delivered July 17th, 2007.

“Imagine a country where factory workers have no workplace safety, labor or environmental protections and are required to work 80 hour-weeks for no more than $110 per month to produce goods for export.

“Imagine a country which boldly supplies missiles and chemical weapons technology to countries that support or harbor terrorists.

“Imagine a country that oversees a network of espionage operations against American companies and the U.S.

“Imagine a country which tortures and imprisons Catholic bishops, Protestant church leaders, Muslim worshipers, Falun Gong followers, and Buddhist monks and nuns just because of their faith and systematically destroys churches and confiscates Bibles.

“Imagine a country which has a thriving business of harvesting and selling for transplant kidneys, corneas and other human organs from executed prisoners who are thrown in prison with no trial or sentencing procedures.

“Imagine a country which maintains an extensive system of gulags – slave labor camps, also known as the “laogai” – as large as existed in the former Soviet Union that are used for brainwashing and “reeducation through labor.”

“Sadly, none of this is imaginary. Such a nation exists. It is the People’s Republic of China.

“Sadly, too, that’s just part of the list of egregious actions.

“In 2006, the Chinese government arrested 651 Christians that we know of. Currently China has 6 Catholic bishops in jail and another 9 under house arrest. Renowned human rights advocate Rebiya Kadeer has watched from exile as the Chinese government arrests and beats her family members in her homeland.

“Late last year, western mountain climbers captured on videotape a horrifying scene: Chinese police shooting from their North Face tents at a group of Tibetan refugees crossing Nangpa Pass. A 17-year old Buddhist nun was killed and several others were wounded.

“There are some who assert that human rights are something that should come once stability has been attained. They say that protection of human rights comes second to attaining economic power and wealth. We must reject that notion.

“During the debate over granting China permanent normal trade relations status, proponents argued that economic liberalization would lead to political liberalization in China, that exposing China to the West’s ideas and values would lead them to play a more constructive role in the international community, and that the U.S. and other industrialized nations could influence China through economic activity to better respect the rights of its citizens to fundamental human rights and the unfettered practice of their faith.

“Instead, we have seen why the protection of basic liberties should not come second to economic growth. The China of today is worse than than the China of yesterday, or of last year, or of the last decade. China is not progressing. It is regressing. It is more violent, more repressive, and more resistant to democratic values than it was before we opened our ports to freely accept Chinese products.

“And now, in addition to all of the horrible things the Chinese government does to its own citizens, it does to other countries’ citizens as well. It poisons children in Panama, the Dominican Republic, and Australia, with toothpaste containing an industrial solvent and prime ingredient in some antifreeze. This toothpaste was marketed under the brand name “Mr. Cool.”

“Some 1.5 million wooden toys in the Thomas the Tank Engine line of children’s trains were recalled after manufacturers discovered that the Chinese-made toys were slathered in lead-based paint, a substance that is toxic if swallowed.

“China continues to send American consumers adulterated and mislabeled food products, including prunes tinted with chemical dyes, dried apples preserved with a cancer-causing chemical, scallops and sardines coated with putrefying bacteria, and mushrooms laced with illegal pesticides.

“Food and Drug Administration inspectors who traveled across the world to investigate the recent mass poisoning of U.S. pets stemming from tainted pet food from China arrived at two suspected Chinese factories, only to find the factories had been cleaned out and all equipment dismantled.

“On June 28, the FDA banned the import of five types of farm-raised shrimp and fish from China because they are so contaminated from unsafe drugs in China’s polluted waterways.

“A recent NPR story described how garlic from China outsold garlic grown in California for the first time last year. China began dumping garlic at U.S. ports below cost in the 1990s. Hefty tariffs kept the garlic imports at bay for a few years, but since 2001, imports of Chinese garlic have increased fifteen-fold.

“Several Fourth of July celebrations in my district, including in my hometown of Vienna, Virginia, included malfunctioning fireworks that injured 11 people, including children and an infant. These fireworks came from China.

“Some 450,000 imported tires were recalled from Foreign Tire Sales after it was discovered that the Chinese-made tires were sold without a critical safety feature that prevents the tread from separating from the tire. A blown tire can cause the driver of the vehicle to lose control of his or her car and crash.

“China is one of the world’s leading producers of unlicensed copies of goods ranging from movies and designer clothes to sporting goods and medications. According to the Motion Picture Association of America, 93 percent of DVDs sold in China are unlicensed copies. The MPAA, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce and other industry groups say that despite stricter Chinese enforcement, product piracy is growing amid China’s booming economic expansion.

“China is building a new coal-fired power plant every week and within a year will be the biggest source in the world of greenhouse gases. It is building factories and infrastructure all over the developing world, but we have no solid data on China’s plans or programs. A recent editorial in The Washington Post reported that World Bank experts estimate that toxic air and water in China kill some 710,000 to 760,000 Chinese each year.

“During a recent visit to Sudan, Chinese President Hu Jintao promised to build a new palace for the Sudanese president, Omar al-Bashir, despite Bashir’s role in orchestrating the ongoing genocide in Sudan’s Darfur region. This is in addition to the recent Amnesty International report that China is selling weapons to the Sudanese government, which are then being used to kill and maim innocent civilians in Darfur.

“China bullies neighboring Taiwan, repeatedly threatening to launch missiles from the mainland for Taiwan’s refusal to accept China’s claims of sovereignty over the democratically governed territory.

“And despite all of these abhorrent acts, China was still awarded the honor of hosting the 2008 Olympics. The Olympic Games: an event designed to lift up “the educational value of good example and respect for universal fundamental ethical principles,” according to its own charter. Does China’s behavior sound like a “good example” to the rest of the world? Or that it is reflecting “fundamental ethical principles” that all nations should aspire to?

“Amnesty International reports that the Chinese government is rounding up people in the streets of Beijing that might “threaten stability” during the Olympic Games, and is detaining them without trial. Human Rights Watch reports that the Chinese government is tightening restrictions on domestic and foreign media, in an effort to control what information leaks out about China’s repressive and violent nature during coverage of the Olympics.

“China has even gone so far as to claim it will “force rain” in the days leading up to the Olympics, in order to have clear skies for the Games. They intend to fire rocket shells containing sticks of silver iodide into Beijing’s skies, provoking a chemical reaction that will force rain – despite mixed reviews on the soundness of this science.

“China s desperation to conceal its true character leading up to the Games smacks of the Nazi bid for the Olympic Games. Analysts are likening the 2008 Beijing Olympics to the 1936 Olympics, in which Nazi Germany soft-pedaled its anti-Semitic agenda and plans for territorial expansion, fooling the international community with an image of a peaceful, tolerant Germany under the guise of the Olympic Games.

“Like the Nazi regime in 1936 Berlin, the Chinese government is preparing for the Olympics by hiring U.S. firms to handle public relations and marketing for the 2008 Beijing Olympics.

“Where is the outrage over China’s unacceptable behavior? The facts are before us. The United States can no longer say that things are improving in China

“But China would have America and the world believe that is the case. China has hired a number of large lobbying firms in Washington, DC to push China’s agenda with the U.S. government. Documents from the Department of Justice show these lobbyists as having a significant presence on Capitol Hill, including almost 200 meetings with Member offices between July 1, 2005 and December 31, 2006.

“America must be a country that stands up for basic decency and human rights. America must speak out on behalf of those who cannot speak for themselves – men and women who are being persecuted for their religious or political beliefs. Our foreign policy must be a policy that helps promote human rights and freedom. Not a policy that sides with dictators who oppress their own citizens.

“Next time you make a purchase, and you see the words “Made in China,” think of the poisoned toothpaste, the contaminated food, the polluted waterways and airspace, the exploding tires, malfunctioning fireworks, the human rights abuses, and the intimidation of religious leaders. Remember that China poses a threat not only to its own citizens, but to the entire world. American businesses have an opportunity to capitalize on China’s failure to protect the safety of its food exports. American businesses should seize this opportunity by reclaiming their place in the global market. The United States government and American consumers must be vigilant about protecting the values that we hold dear.”


Thanks to A True Chinese Renaissance for the report.

Posted in Annexed Territories, Censorship, China, Corruption, Environment, Human Rights, Media, Olympics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Yingsel, The Tibetan Antelope

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, July 12, 2007

Plagiarised from Yingsel 2008…

My Name is Yingsel.

I am a Tibetan Antelope.

I am known as YingYing in China and I was chosen to be one of the mascots for the 2008 Olympic Games.

I am announcing today that I have left the Chinese Olympic Team.

I can no longer stand to be used as a tool of propaganda by the Chinese government. It has been using me to cover up its violent and brutal oppression inside Tibet.

The Chinese authorities hope that by including me, a Tibetan antelope, in their public relations around the 2008 Olympics, that they can fool the outside world into thinking that Tibet is a part of China and that Tibetans are happy and prosperous under Chinese occupation.

China hopes a successful Beijing Games will mask the true nature of their authoritarian rule.

I’ve gone into hiding because it is not possible for me to speak out against the Chinese government safely as there is no freedom of speech in Tibet or China.

I call on all Tibetan antelopes, Tibetan people, friends, supporters and governments of the world to help me in my quest to restore human rights and freedom in Tibet.

Bod Rangzen. Tibet will be free.



Posted in Annexed Territories, Media, Olympics | Tagged: , , , , | 3 Comments »

Richard Writes…

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, May 25, 2007

I just read this wonderful post by Richard Spencer, certainly one of the better journalists in China. If I may quote from it:

Some might say that journalists shouldn’t take a stand. Perhaps they are right. But I can tell you that on these things it is hard to pretend we don’t have attitudes: The Dalai Lama: we are sympathetic; the Tibetans have had, and continue to have, a rough time.

Taiwan: we don’t care much whether Taiwan is or is not a part of China. But we think it’s up to the people who live there, not missile batteries on the coast of Fujian.

The East Turkestan Islamic Movement: we are not at all sure this exists any more. If it does, we don’t support terrorism, but as with Taiwan, we think the Uighurs have had a rough time, and are sympathetic to them as a people, at least.

Democracy movements: need you ask? We understand the Chinese desire for caution, and to avoid destablising, overnight change. But at the end of the day – yes, we are in favour. As Margaret Beckett said the other day, a society in which the people are not granted the levers of political change is not stable in any sense we understand.

Falun gong: a bit crazy, and they often talk nonsense (too many of their methods of argument, and their understanding of the word proof, seem to resemble the Chinese Communist Party Propaganda Department’s). But do they deserve in any way what’s happened to them? No.
Many, many “friends of China” – businessmen and diplomats who say the politically correct thing in public – have the same views in private, even those from “friendly” Asian countries whom Beijing thinks it has won over with its “soft power”.

Kudos to you, Mr Spencer.

Posted in Annexed Territories, Human Rights, Media | Tagged: , | 1 Comment »

ChinaDaily Headline – 25th March 2007

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, April 29, 2007

This one is worth repeating:

Official: China will not affect world energy demand

Nairobi – China’s increasing energy demand will not affect world energy security, said visiting top Chinese political advisor Jia Qinglin on Tuesday.

China has all along relied on itself in meeting its energy need since it has abundant coal resources and great potential in oil and natural gas exploration and development, Jia said.

“Over 90 percent of China’s energy demand is met through domestic supply,” he said, adding that though China’s consumption of oil and gas is growing, its per capita consumption and per capita import are low.

China’s per capita import of oil and gas is 100 kg, while the world average is 400 kg, Jia said. China has strengthened energy cooperation with Africa in recent years, which has become a new focus in China-Africa business ties.

“Such cooperation is normal business practice on the basis of equality, mutual benefit and the rules of market economy. It is totally different from the plunder committed by colonialists in Africa,” Jia said.

I wonder if that 90% figure includes resources being plundered from the annexed territories of Tibet, East Turkestan, and Inner Mongolia, or whether it is to include the Spratly Islands, or the parts of the gas fields on the Japanese side of the sea border with China?

I’m just asking, ok?

Posted in Annexed Territories, ChinaDaily, Lies & Damned Lies, Propaganda | Tagged: , | Leave a Comment »