Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Archive for the ‘Lies & Damned Lies’ Category

Let Them Eat Shit

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, May 5, 2014

Guest Post
I see it, but I don’t believe it. I thought my skin pretty thick by now, but the incessant claims that China invented everything is really starting to go too far.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Let_them_eat_cake

Zhu Muzhi, president of the China Society for Human Rights Studies, claims the famous phrase “Let them eat cake” is an alteration of a much older, and of course Chinese, anecdote: “An ancient Chinese emperor who, being told that his subjects didn’t have enough rice to eat, replied, ‘Why don’t they eat meat?'” The phrase was attributed to Emperor Hui of Jin in Zizhi Tongjian.

Right…

In the 1700’s, there was obviously so much trade with China, that a phrase 1700 years old, and one none of us have heard in Mandarin nearly as common as the usage of the English translation of the original French meme, spread so prolifically that french peasants were repeating it. ROFLMAO!

I guess the China Society for Human Rights Studies thought if they called themselves The Society for Enforcing a China-Centric World their published works might not be so willingly consumed. Ever see My Big Fat Greek Wedding? Great film… and contains a character (the Greek father) who claims every word in the world comes from a Greek root. Reminds me of Zhu Muzhi…

It’s an unfortunate trend that is starting to pop up all over Wikipedia, now that they have decided to harmoniously unblock it from the Great Firewall. With their new requirement for disclaimers I imagine the talk page for the Eat cake entry would say something like “Zhu Muzhi: I work for the mob that requires China to be God, the one true creator of all.” Or would it? Sneaky bastards these Chinese…

This post was invented in China, just after the MyLaowai blog, 5000 years ago.

– DaBizzare

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Posted in Censorship, Guest Post, History, Lies & Damned Lies | 4 Comments »

And another bloody thing…

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, September 15, 2012

I’m listening to the sound of air-raid sirens. China is conducting nationwide air-raid drills today. Why a country that purports to be peaceful and not interested in war should feel the need to conduct air-raid drills is a bit of a mystery, but I leave you to draw your own conclusions on that subject.

On a subject that may be related, I received the following email from a friend who works at a large company in China. He would prefer to remain anonymous, for obvious reasons. The email was sent to him by the Party Office in his company.

I can’t be bothered to translate it all, but Google translate is close enough to get the point across:

All employees:

The Japanese government, regardless of China’s repeated solemn representations, has announced the “purchase” of the Diaoyu Islands, the implementation of the so-called “nationalization”, and signed today with the so-called “land owners” a purchase contract for the Senkaku islands “(i.e. Chinese Diaoyu Islands). This is a serious infringement of China’s territorial sovereignty, and the serious injury of the 1.3 billion Chinese people’s feelings is a serious violation of the historical facts and international jurisprudence. The Chinese government and people expressed resolute opposition and strong protests.

The solemn statement of the Chinese government, is that the Japanese government’s so-called “purchase of islands” is completely illegal, invalid, does not change the historical fact of the Japanese occupation of Chinese territory, and does not change China’s territorial sovereignty of the Diaoyu Islands. The Chinese government will not sit back and watch it’s territorial sovereignty to be violated. China strongly urges the Japanese side to immediately stop all acts to undermine China’s territorial sovereignty. If the Japanese side insists, all the serious consequences resulting therefrom can only be borne by the Japanese side and Japan’s “purchase of islands” behaviour, and China will implement a series of counter-measures.

[…]

All the company party members and cadres should effectively improve their sense of responsibility, to take up the responsibility of the maintenance of stability work, should take the lead to stick to their own posts, guide the masses of workers rational expression of patriotic fervour in accordance with the law, to unite and move forward together. To work together with all Chinese united, will move forward together, patriotic passion into power in action, take concrete actions to promote the cause […], to promote the harmonious development of the motherland prosperous and strong!

– Party Committee Office

And the air-raid sirens continue…

Posted in History, Lies & Damned Lies, Newsflash, Propaganda | 11 Comments »

Poachers Should Be Shot

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, May 10, 2012

Posted in China, Lies & Damned Lies | 30 Comments »

‘Super Typhoon’ Muifa – My Arse

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, August 7, 2011

The Chinese have been calling it a ‘Super Typhoon’. I call it ‘a normal day at the seaside in any normal country’. But, as usual, the international press have been buying into the story – hook, line, sinker, rod, reel, fisherman, and pier. The dozy, lazy fucks.

230,000 people evacuated in Zhejiang province alone? Really? Seems a lot. But wait, because didn’t the so-called ‘Super Typhoon’ strike on a weekend? When all the kids were home from school? Oh yes, so I guess the kids that didn’t go to school could be considered to be ‘evacuated’. I mean, if you were a lazy fucking reporter who likes Communist Party headlines, that is.

Thirty-five fishing boats missing? Try ‘a few fisherman were at the KTV getting their knob scrubbed and the rest were arrested by the Japanese Coast Guard for illegal fishing’. But hey, another good headline, right?

Seventy-five flights cancelled out of Shanghai? True, actually. But I know for a fact that wind speeds at the airport in question were barely sufficient to fly a kite. Makes for a better story if we just use the Communist Party line though, right guys?

“Stock up on emergency supplies of food, water, and cash in case of storm-related power outages,” we are told. Well, that happens every day in China. Power outages are as common as people shitting on the footpath. But not because of storms; because of the need to keep thousands of empty buildings fully lit at all times in an attempt to keep from losing face.

It’s bad enough that the Chinese are scared of their own shadows, and terrified of the prospect of any rain cleaning the dirt from their filthy bodies. It’ s far worse when Western news agencies report the same old tired headlines without bothering to check their facts. It’s disgraceful when they are content to re-use decades-old footage showing the same bunch of soldiers building the same sandbag dykes in the same overflowing rivers.

I’m writing this from the worst-affected part of East China, and I’m doing so from my balcony, whilst sipping a gin & tonic. Wind? A very mild, cooling breeze. Rain? Nope – and although the Aston did catch a few drops during the night, it wasn’t enough to wash the dust off, so my coolie had better get a move on and wash the thing properly if he doesn’t want another beating.

‘Super Typhoon’ my arse.

Posted in Lies & Damned Lies, Propaganda | 8 Comments »

Happy National Defense Education Day

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, September 18, 2010

Today (in China, obviously) is National Defense [sic] Education Day. That’s a cutesy name for what is really Stoke Up Nationalist Hatred Of Japan Day. It’s an ancient day of remembrance since 2007, and is celebrated by air-raid drills and a nationwide ringing of alarms.

It’s a good time then to take a quick look at the Senkaku Islands. China claims them to be an indisputable part of Chinese territory since ancient times (of course), but then China also says the same thing about Taiwan, Tibet, Korea, East Turkestan, Hawaii, Australia, the Arctic Ocean, and the entire South China Sea. I think it’s probably safe to say that their claim to the Senkaku Islands is based on equally substantial evidence, but for the record, let’s just take a quick look at what everyone else in the world considers to be ‘historical fact’:

The Senkaku Islands comprise five small volcanic islands and three rocky outcroppings with a total land area of just seven square kilometres. They were first discovered and mapped by Japanese explorers and finally were formally incorporated into Japanese territory in 1895. A number of surveys have been conducted on the islands, and no trace of any previous habitation or prior ownership has ever been found. Since 1895, the islands have continuously remained as an integral part of Japan’s territory.

In 1895, China and Japan also jointly signed the Treaty of Shimonoseki, in which the Emperor of China stated that: “China cedes to Japan in perpetuity and full sovereignty of the Penghu group, Taiwan and the eastern portion of the bay of Liaodong Peninsula together with all fortifications, arsenals and public property.” The Chinese now claim that the Treaty of Shimonoseki wasn’t fair, and refuse to recognise it today. They now claim that all the bits they ceded away are still theirs, regardless of the fact that they ceded them away in an internationally-recognised document. By their reckoning, therefore, the Senkaku islands are still part of China. Except, and here’s the kicker, that the Senkaku Islands were never part of the Pescadores group of islands that were ceded to Japan in the first place. As a result of this small and inconvenient truth, the Senkaku Islands were not included in the territory which Japan renounced under Article II of the 1952 Francisco Peace Treaty. They were instead placed under the administration of the United States as part of the Nansei Shoto Islands, in accordance with Article III of that treaty, with the United States later handing administrative rights back to Japan.

All this time, China made not the slightest objection to any of this. In fact, China had nothing at all to say on the entire subject until oil was discovered there at the end of 1970, when they suddenly and very conveniently produced ‘historical records’ proving that the Senkaku Islands had been used exclusively by China since 1403. Hmmm. Gavin Menzies would be impressed.

Anyway, moving on… Even China does not dispute the fact that Japan exercised control of the Senkaku Islands from 1895 until the Second World War, and in fact officially recognised the fact that the islands were part of Japan’s Okinawa Prefecture. So what’s the problem? I mean, apart from extreme nationalism, oil, and pig-ignorance, of course? Oh yes, a claim that a few Chinese fisherman caught some fish in the area back in 1403.

So, here’s my question:

Can sovereignty claims based on a complete lack of any legal, historical or physical evidence, and backdated to fourteenth century Asia, be considered as a basis of ownership in a modern international legal system?

I think not. And hey, for once the International Legal System is on my side.

Happy National Defense Education Day. Idiots.

Posted in Annexed Territories, China, Festivals et al, Lies & Damned Lies | 12 Comments »

How Wet Thou Art, Pussy!

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, August 19, 2010

Well now, Lee Hannon, it seems you have been a bad boy recently. A very bad boy indeed. Been working for ChinaDaily, have we? Tsk, tsk. As the Chief Editor no less, according to your LinkedIn profile, although ChinaDaily themselves say you are a mere ‘journalist’. My word, Mister Hannon, you have been stretching some truths, haven’t you? Naughty, naughty.

But hey, it’s cool with us. We don’t mind if you get your kicks by licking a Panda’s arse, and we don’t really care if you do love the Party more then you love your own family, because it takes all sorts to make the world go round, and even treasonous vipers like yourself have a place in society. Granted, that place is swinging from the end of a rope tied to your gentleman’s vegetables at one end and a lamp post at the other, but it’s a place nonetheless.

I was, however, interested to read a recent article in which you slagged off England, the nation of your birth. In it, you said words to the effect that the UK was not a good place for tourists to visit during the next Olympic Games. As evidence, you cited the Anholt-GfK Roper Nation Brands Index on the quality of welcome offered to visitors, in which the UK ranked 14th. You probably thought you were quite safe in doing so, as this Index is not widely available for public consumption.

You obviously read the report thoroughly, right? I mean to say, it would hardly be responsible of you to not have read it from cover to cover, agreed?

You made a point of bemoaning the fact that, in the particular category quoted, the UK ranked 14th. Where did your beloved China rank, I wonder? But wait, it would appear that I have a copy of the report myself. Let’s just have a look, shall we? Oh yes, here we are…

Overall Nation Brands Index
UK 4th
China 22nd

Exports Index
– contribution to innovation
– effect on attitudes towards ‘country of origin’
– degree of creativity

UK 4th
China 17th (quality of products 45th)

Governance
– competently and honestly governed
– respect and fair treatment of it’s citizens
– responsible behaviour in international peace and security
– responsible environmental protection
– responsible for reducing world poverty

UK 7th
China 49th (just in front of Iran, in last place)

Culture
– sports
– cultural heritage
– music, films, art, literature

UK 4th
China 7th

People
– friendly towards visitors
– other people want them as friends
– valuable employees

UK 6th
China 35th (but hey, up from 41st, which is good)

Tourism
– people would like to visit
– rich in natural beauty
– rich in historic buildings
– vibrant city life

UK 5th
China 19th

Immigration & Investment
– foreigners want to live there
– quality of life
– good place to study
– businesses worth investing in
– equal opportunities

UK 4th
China 33rd

Special Category: Contribution to Global Recovery from the Economic Crisis
UK 3rd
China 11th

There’s something else worth noting about this report, and that is that the authors have a website on which you can see how ordinary people around the world rated cities and countries across the globe, including their own.

This is how the Chinese people (and Lee Hannon) ranked Beijing:
Most important city in the world (with Shanghai 2nd and Shenzhen 3rd. Hong Kong 4th, of course.)
Best services and accommodation in the world
Best people in the world
Most lively city in the world
Most opportunities in the world

However, China was the only country in which it’s citizens were not allowed to give their opinion on their own country. I find that telling.

What I find equally telling, is that you, Mister Hannon, have lied through your back teeth whilst in the service of the Party. You have crossed the line, sunshine. The Wet Pussy Award is given to those bottom-feeders who “actively seek out ways to support the Han Regime, who publicly side with the Chinese Communist Party… A great many of these sympathisers work […] in the entertainment industry, and most show their support by […] agreeing in public with the position the Han regime takes on anything and everything […] they [also] do the ‘look at the stupid Laowai’ entertainment shows in which Han Chinese are shown to be superior to the nasty barbarian foreigners.”

Mister Hannon, I believe you qualify in the worst possible way, and I award you this Wet Pussy for being a complete and utter toe-rag, wastrel, scumbag, and all-round traitor to humanity. You’d better hope you never meet me in a bar, because I’ll have your guts for my garters, sparky.


Mister Lee Hannon, Wet Pussy Winner.
I hope you die of cancer.

Posted in ChinaDaily, Lies & Damned Lies, Media, Olympics, Propaganda, Wet Pussy Awards | 14 Comments »

A Literary Lunch with Gavin Menzies

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, October 9, 2009

LITERARY LUNCH

Fruity Whackjob Gavin Menzies:
The Chinese Contribution to Global History

Friday, October 16, 12.30pm

1434forweb.jpg

RMB 188, includes rotting tofu for lunch

RSVP
reservations@propaganda.dept.cn

Enjoy a delicious three-course lunch of rotting tofu as
bestselling author Gavin Menzies, author of 1421 and 1434,
paints a portrait of the Chinese contribution to
global history in the 15th century,
“a historical detective story,”
according to the People’s Daily News
Menzies will share his research on how admiral
Zheng He set sail for the new world before
the European age of discovery
(1421: The Year China Discovered the World)
and his latest book,
1434: The Year a Magnificent Chinese Fleet Sailed to
Italy and Ignited the Renaissance

that traces the roots of the European Renaissance to China.

Book signing will follow.

About the Author:

Author Gavin Menzies was born in England and lived in China for two years before the Second World War. He loved China so much that he joined the Royal Navy in 1953 and spied on his mates in submarines from 1959 to 1970. Since being kicked out of the Royal Navy for incompetence, he has returned to China to be paid many times, and in the course of his research, he has become despised in 120 countries and banned from more than 900 museums, libraries, and major seaports of the late Middle Ages.

Upcoming Literary Events
___________

Alternative Literary Cultures in Australia

Saturday, October 31, 4pm

RMB 88, includes a drink of hot water

********

AUTHOR TALK:
Martin Jacques – When China Rules the World:
The Rise of the Middle Kingdom
and the End of the Western World

Wednesday, November 4, 6pm

RMB 88, includes a drink of hot water

********

AUTHOR TALK:
Colm Toibin – Brooklyn

Sunday, November 8, 4pm

RMB 88, includes a drink of weak piss

Posted in Brown Nose Award, China, Lies & Damned Lies, Newsflash, Propaganda | 24 Comments »

Happy Birthday, Falling Cow

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, October 1, 2009

I’m constantly being reminded that China is the most ancient country in the world. It’s something that people are obliged to mention at least once every time they meet a foreigner. “Yes, I do like the new BMW 6 series convertible, did you know that cars were invented in China, the oldest country in the world?” is a fairly normal example. Personally, I wouldn’t be too quick to admit to coming from the country that has been developing longest for the least net gain, but that’s just a personal bias. ‘Five Thousand Years and Still Developing’ might be a catchy slogan, but it isn’t one that I’d want greeting tourists as they stepped off the plane in my country.

Now, about China being the oldest country in the world… that isn’t exactly true, but Ill concede that there is a history in this region that goes back a long way, almost as far as some European countries, in fact. Let us examine a few details together:

China, better known as Red China, formally known as the People’s Republic of China (and known by everyone who has ever visited as the People’s Republic of Cheats), was founded October 1st, 1949, after the legally elected government was overthrown by communist rebels. How old is China? Sixty. That’s younger than my father, and come to think of it, he’s in better condition mentally and physically too (though he has no plans to be World Hegemon that I am aware of).

To be fair though, when Chinese talk about how old China is, they are not referring to the PRC. They are talking about their culture. Fair enough, that’s reasonable, even if we are to overlook the fact that there is more culture in a pot of yoghurt. So, how old is the culture? And what is this ‘China’ that the Han are so keen on?

China: A History Lesson.

The first thing you need to understand is that the Chinese don’t know how to measure time properly. Really, I’m not being facetious, they really have no idea of dates and stuff. To them, all the entire history of the universe is measured in terms of Dynasties. Everything from the Big Bang on is subject to rule by a Chinese Dynasty. Sounds crazy, I know, but that’s just the way it is for these people. Unfortunately, the truth is that most of these ‘Dynasties’ did not actually exist in the sense of actual historical fact. Take this one for instance:

Xia Dynasty (ca. 2,070 BC to 1,600 BC)
This was the first ‘Official’ Dynasty, if we look past the even more dubious Dynasties of Homo Erectus et al. Most serious scholars doubt it’s existence, though most will concede that primitive people were scratching a living out of the mud and grass at the time. They probably used fire, and this is why the Chinese claim to have been the inventors of Fire. Hey, you know what? That’s a good enough story that I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt – China has certainly existed since 2,070 BC. Let’s have a look at a map of contemporary China, shall we:

148
Xia Dynasty 2,070 BC – 1,600 BC

The first actually proven Dynasty, as indicated by actual evidence, was the Shang (1,600 BC to 1,046 BC). However, what is referred to by the Chinese as being a ‘Dynasty’, was really little more than a collection of villages, without much in the way of a unifying power structure. It was, by any meaningful yardstick, no different to Neolithic Europe. The various tribes did apparently possess conceptual art, and scratched pictures of stick figures in shells – the Chinese today claim that this proves that Chinese invented language, but this was no more a language than are chickens scratching their claws in the dust.

The Shang was followed by the Zhou. This was a real Dynasty, or ‘nation’ as we would say. It ran from 1,045 BC to 221 BC. This means that the Zhou got started around the same time as the Iron Age was rolling out product in Europe, the Phoenician and Tamil civilisations were using advanced systems of writing, and the Assyrians (amongst others) were getting started on the Empire Building game. The Zhou were a motley collection of military states that relied heavily on technology such as the chariot (imported from the more advanced Central Asian states) and heavy state control. Some have claimed that the Zhou understood iron-working, and this may even be true, but it was a bronze-age culture. Let’s take a look at the Zhou, shall we?

149
Zhou Dynasty 1,045 BC – 221 BC

It is incorrect to think of the Zhou as one happy nation, as there were in fact many small nations, each fighting tooth and nail for power over the others. This was a kind of Dark Ages, but the Chinese like names that sound lovely, so they call this the ‘Spring and Autumn Period‘. It was followed by the ‘Warring States Period‘, which was more of the same, but worse. In all, the Dark Ages lasted from the 8th century BC to 214 BC, when China’s first real Chairman seized power. His name was Qin Shi Huangdi, he was a raving homosexual who took to wearing women’s clothes around the palace, and the state he founded is regarded as the model for the first truly Chinese state. Here’s what it looked like:

14a
Qin Dynasty 214 BC – 206 BC

The Qin Dynasty was short-lived, but it set the management style for all future generations of people to be ruled by China. That style consisted of brutal oppression of the masses, rigid control of the people by the state, and absolute power of the Chairman. Everyone was to speak the same, think the same, and act the same. Oh yes, Mister Qin had a very pronounced impact indeed! In the 20th Century, Dictator Mao Zedong was known to have studied Qin Shi Huangdi very closely, and styled his new People’s Republic closely along the lines of the Qin Dynasty. Mao even went as far as practising man-love too. Who says history never repeats?

The Han came next, lasting from 202 BC to 220 AD. The Han are the ethnic group that today exercises total control over all territory garrisoned by the Red Army, including Tibet, East Turkestan and even parts of Mongolia. At the time, however, they were far smaller, as can be seen here:

14b
Han Dynasty 202 BC – 220 AD
The First Chinese Dynasty

The Han Dynasty grew by granting neighbouring states the ‘status’ of Autonomous Regions, which over time came to be absorbed by the Han via forced immigration. Despite this, in actual warfare the Han lost at least as many battles as they won, and frequently signed Treaties with their enemies as a means of avoiding being carved up in return. No such Treaties were ever meant to be honoured, of course. Nevertheless, however you look at it, the Han were successful in consolidating Chinese power, and were in fact the first properly Chinese Dynasty. China is therefore definitively 2,211 years old, at least in terms of culture.

After the Han Dynasty fell over, lots of people took turns at running the place, including Tibetans, Turks, Mongolians, and other groups who are today referred to as ‘minorities’, but it wasn’t until the Tang Dynasty raised it’s head that ‘China’ got put back together again. The Tang (618 AD to 907 AD) were arguably the only Chinese Dynasty who were even vaguely enlightened, making Buddhism the State Religion and encouraging trade with the nations to the west. The Tang benefited greatly from the import of technology and ideas from Europe and the Middle East and represent the high water mark of Chinese culture. They also managed to successfully invade a number of regions to the west. Here’s how things looked at their peak:

14c
Tang Dynasty 618 AD – 907 AD

Following the Tang, the region fell back into the Dark Ages, but things looked up with the advent of the Song Dynasty. The Song were not Han Chinese, although the Han today claim otherwise. It was during the Song that the so-called Great Inventions took place. The Song were defeated comprehensively by the Mongol conqueror Genghis Khan, and nearly all of East Asia became part of the Mongolian Empire. The Chinese today claim that Genghis Khan was Chinese, and thus that China during the so-called ‘Yuan Dynasty’ extended as far as Europe, but of course that is nonsense. After the Yuan Dynasty collapsed (the Mongols never really were much good at administration), large parts of their territory were administered by the Ming Dynasty. The Ming were Han, the men wore dresses and nail varnish, and they inherited a large chunk of land from their former overlords:

14d
Ming Dynasty 1368 AD – 1644 AD

During the Ming, there was constant war with the neighbours, and large empires such as that of Tibet frequently sent them packing. Despite this, the Ming were a strong state, and consolidated their power over ‘minorities’ by forced military colonisation and a huge secret police force that killed hundreds of thousands of people. The Ming invented the philosophical concept of ‘sinification‘ of other ethnic groups by these, and other means.

The Ming were replaced by the Qing who, being Manchu, were as Chinese as the Song and Yuan had been. Despite this, the Chinese today claim that the Qing was also Chinese.

The next, and most recent, Chinese Dynasty was the Chinese Communist Dynasty (1949 AD to present), founded when the legally elected Government was overthrown by Communist rebels. Their leader, Mao Zedong, has gone down as the most brutal dictator in human history, being responsible for more deaths than Genghis Khan, Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin combined. The brutality of his reign is largely overlooked by Han Chinese today, as he possessed the virtue of hating foreigners even more than he hated his own people. During the Communist Dynasty, China has more than doubled in size, by invading and annexing many of it’s neighbours. Quite an accomplishment, and one which the Han people are keen to continue with in the future, if the feeling on the streets is anything to go by. They are celebrating their 60th birthday today. Many of the men have also taken to mincing about in the streets again. There’s a definite pattern there.

China, sixty years old and going on five thousand, happy birthday. Here’s your Falling Cow:

Happy Birthday, Falling Cow
Year of the Falling Cow

Posted in Annexed Territories, China, Falling Cow Zone, Festivals et al, Lies & Damned Lies | 74 Comments »

My Wet Pussy Special

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, April 27, 2009

I get quite a few emails from readers, and in general they fall into one of three categories:

1. Why do you live in China if you hate it so much?
2. I am Chinese and I am going to kill you and your entire family!
3. I wish you still did the Wet Pussy Awards – I loved that!

The first will be comprehensively answered in an upcoming post. The second provides me with an unending source of amusement and glee, and the third is being dealt with here and now.

That’s right, folks. The Wet Pussy Awards are back!

It wasn’t easy, y’know. To start with, the MyLaowai Central Committee had to purchase new pussy. And because we live in China, and because we have this thing about catching some horrific disease, we had to have it vaccinated (we despise diseased pussy). And because, whilst young pussy is great, it’s also a bit time consuming and of dubious legal status, and so we had to wait for a while until the pussy was old enough to be safely wetted.

But everybody loves new pussy, and now the pussy is ready.

There’s this chap who goes by the name of ‘Gavin’ Menzies, and who claims to have been born in China. If you are thinking that this is an odd name for a Chinaman, then you would be correct, for ‘Gavin’ was actually born in London (and his actual first name is Rowan). No one is quite sure why he claims to have been born in China, but then again this is by far the least lunatic of his many claims.

‘Gavin’ (or Rowan to the Courts) Menzies has a number of rather, er, fascinating theories on world history. Here’s a few of them:

* The Chinese discovered the whole world in 1421.
* The Chinese invented a method for measuring longitude without using clocks.
* The Chinese were the first to colonise the Americas.
* The Inca’s were Chinese.
* New Zealand, Australia and Hawaii belong to China.

There’s plenty more – this is just a sampling. For an evening full of joy and laughter, just buy one of his books. Then again, perhaps it would be best not to encourage him. His latest book is a doozy, folks. In it, he claims that the Renaissance was a Chinese invention, brought to Italy by a “magnificent Chinese Fleet”, and that Leonardo da Vinci stole his idea for a helicopter from Chinese sailors. Printing, too, was generously brought to poor Europe by Chinese sailors, as was the idea of medicine. The hits just keep on coming.

So, who the hell is this Menzies character? Here’s a quick list of things you should know about him:

1. Menzies joined the Royal Navy age 15 and went into submarines. He claims that the Navy taught him advanced cartography skills not available to ordinary historians, which is fine except that the Royal Navy doesn’t teach cartography to submariners. He also claims that, whilst in the Navy, he retraced the voyages of Magellan and Cook, which is fine except that the Royal Navy is unconvinced. A friend of mine who sailed with him, believes he suffered from oxygen deprivation. This may have some truth to it.

2. Mister Menzies was an officer with twelve years of seniority, who nevertheless managed to avoid promotion to Commander. This isn’t usual. Whilst in command of a Royal Navy submarine, he managed to ram an American minesweeper, which was moored at a pier. For this, he was asked to resign his commission, which is very usual for such a disgrace. He ‘retired’ age 32, his only naval qualification being that of Torpedoman (TRS).

3. Following some rather misguided investments, Mister Menzies was declared bankrupt and, subsequently, a vexatious litigant. For those unsure of the meaning of this term, it refers to someone who regularly and repeatedly sues people for trivial reasons, and has done so often enough that the courts have refused to deal with him any more. Or, in simpler language, a crank. Bring it on, ‘Gavin’.

4. Menzies, as an “astronomer and navigator”, declares that in the 1420’s the Chinese could sail to the North Pole, as it was 300 miles further south than now – this isn’t true. He also claims that the North Pole coincides with Polaris at 90° altitude – this is also not true. He goes on to claim that he analysed Chinese sailing directions and a star guide in the Wu Pei Chih of 1422 to calculate that the equator was at 03° 34′ North. There was (he proclaims) a corresponding shift northwards of ice limits in both the Arctic and Antarctic, caused (he says) by a shift in the earth’s axis that began a miniature Ice Age in 1450. We also happen to know that none of this is true, either.

5. According to Menzies, the Chinese calibrated logs and used sextants long before the British produced a mechanical log in the middle of the 16th century, or the first mariner’s sextant in 1757. He says that the Chinese could ‘eliminate magnetic variation’. This is impossible.

6. Menzies claims to have discovered the wrecks of nine Chinese ships in the Caribbean. He has yet to let anyone else know where, precisely. The same applies to the remains of a number of Chinese ships he has discovered 300 feet up a cliff in New Zealand (washed ashore there of all places when a comet landed in the Pacific Ocean), not to mention “large dockyards and buildings constructed from their stone ballast” – no one else has yet managed to discover these remains, though people have found some perfectly normal and natural rocks and trees and birds. In fact, not one single piece of evidence has ever been found to support any of his theories.

7. Menzies has often talked about the “riddle of a lost Chinese city on the [US] Atlantic coast” and made the claim that an unnamed Canadian architect “might reveal the location of the unidentified site where he discovered some buried ruins whose origin is unknown”, though Menzies says it was a Chinese naval depot established by Zheng He. This depot is, apparently, “two-thirds the size of the Forbidden City”. Menzies also claims to possess a ‘lost World Map’ of Kublai Khan (1260-1294), that includes the Americas.

8. Menzies claims that the Chinese sent a fleet to visit Italian mapmaker Albertin di Virga in 1408, on their way through the Mediterranean and on into the Atlantic. They entered the Mediterranean from the Red Sea through a non-existent Suez Canal. Not the present Suez Canal, of course, but via the Nile by an earlier ditch that a Caliph had filled with sand in 775. Menzies, of course, knows where this canal was.

Why does he do it? Honestly, no one really knows for sure. Some (like my friend) claim he has brain damage, caused by oxygen deprivation. Others claim he is merely a nutter.

But I find it interesting that Mister Menzies’ books have so neatly summarised the Chinese Communist Party’s claims that China was the first to discover large swathes of the world, including Hawaii, New Zealand, Australia, and more. In fact, Mr Menzies has on several occasions amended his statements to reflect changes in official CCP policy regarding Chinese territorial claims. China’s Party Chairman, Hu Jintao, used Menzies’ books as the basis upon which he made direct references to Australia having been been first discovered by Chinese sailors when he addressed the Australian Parliament. And I also find it interesting that, despite being declared a bankrupt, Menzies found it so easy to raise large sums of money for his ‘research’.

But whichever way you view him, there can be no doubt that ‘Gavin’ Menzies is a Wet Pussy of the first water.

Menzies, this Wet Pussy Award is for you, you traitorous wretch. I hope you choke on it.

wetpussyaward2009

‘Gavin’ Menzies. Wet Pussy Award Winner.

Posted in Lies & Damned Lies, Propaganda, Wet Pussy Awards | 24 Comments »

It’s [Fact] Friday!

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, April 3, 2009

Today’s fact is:

Fact! Serf Emancipation Day was a crock of shit.

One point two million serfs were indeed liberated from their lives, and more than six thousand monasteries were liberated from their foundations when the Red Army rolled into Tibet. But that isn’t the same thing at all.

China – Leading The Way Since 2991BC

Posted in Fact Friday, Human Rights, Lies & Damned Lies | 2 Comments »