Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

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Archive for the ‘Fact Friday’ Category

The Great Rabbit-Proof Fence of China

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, August 26, 2011

The Great Wall of China, formally known as the No. 1 Rabbit-Proof Fence, is a pest-exclusion fence constructed between 220BC and 206BC to keep rabbits and other agricultural pests out of Chinese pastoral areas. And, of course, to keep Chinese people out of the more culturally advanced lands to the north.

The Great Wall of China is, however, not the only Great Wall in existence. No sireebob! There are literally dozens of famous walls in the world, and most of them were better built and more effective at being, er, walls. As it were. I mean, some of them actually kept people and rabbits out. At least a couple kept the roof up as well.

I know, I know: the Chinese have long argued that all walls – everywhere – are in fact mere extensions of their own One True Wall, and that this therefore proves that the entire planet has been an inalienable and indisputable part of China since ancient times. I’m not the first to make reference to this; I merely repeat what other scholars have noted. But I think that this view is not entirely correct: Take for instance the Great Rabbit-Proof Wall of Australia. That was clearly built by Aussies.

Now, before we get bogged down in details, let’s you and I be quite clear about something: Despite what Gavin ‘Oxygen-Starvation’ Menzies and his sponsors in the Chinese Communist Party would have you believe, Australia has never been a part of the Great Chinese Empire. Evidence for this can be found in the fact that Chinese people cannot spell ‘XXXX’. So there. Moving on. The Great Rabbit-Proof Wall of Australia, however, shares many features in common with the Great Rabbit-Proof Fence of China:
> Both are reasonably long
> Neither was effective at keeping rabbits or Chinese out
> Neither can be seen from space
> Neither are very fucking ‘great’; in fact the best you could say is that they are equally ‘average’. The Pyramid of Khufu is great. Angkor Wat is great. A really decent pint of Guinness is great (despite being Irish). The Spitfire MkIX was bloody great. Aston Martons and Lamborghinis are great. Fences that cost a lot of money and time to build which don’t keep rabbits and Chinese and other vermin out, are pretty bloody average.

In fact, the Average Rabbit-Proof Fence of China is a bloody disgrace. Expensive and time-consuming to build, and utterly useless. No wonder peasants were tearing it down and using the bricks to build houses almost as soon as it was constructed.

And how do I know the Great Wall of Australia wasn’t built by the Chinese? Because it didn’t cost a million lives to build, merely £337,841.

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Posted in Fact Friday, History | 4 Comments »

Feeling Well?

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, July 15, 2011

Do you feel tired, listless, and depressed?

You must be Jiang Zemin.

(who hasn’t been dead since the middle of last year)

Posted in Fact Friday | 5 Comments »

There is Still Hope

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, July 1, 2011

How does one go about describing doing business in China? I mean, really? Sure, there are all the obvious adjectives like “dishonest”, “shitty”, “dirty”, “filthy”, “corrupt”, “primitive”, “festering” and so on and so on. But whilst all those adjectives are certainly spot on and absolutely correct, they don’t really give people in the civilised world much of an idea as to what it’s like here in The Land That Time Forgot.

A good friend of mine describes doing business in China as asking someone to paint the fence white, and suddenly two dozen people are running around in circles looking for black paint (the fence, or what’s left of it after they’ve ‘fixed’ it a few times, is eventually painted red and then falls over).

And that’s a pretty accurate description in my experience.

Take an actual example: Two days ago I asked one of my employees to call the courier and arrange for him to pick up a small parcel the following day. Just that, nothing else. Within half an hour there were discussions regarding which courier to use, which country it was going to, how heavy it was, what rate was applicable, the whole nine yards. At this point I intervened and politely pointed out that I wanted the same fucking courier we have always used and that the weight, destination, colour, shape, and any other variable were nobody’s fucking business except mine, and could the person I had originally asked simply call the fucking courier and would everyone else mind awfully going back to work and doing 60% of the job they were actually hired to do?

The next morning I asked what exact time the courier was expected, because I had plenty to do and couldn’t afford to be sat on my thumb all day waiting for him. I was told “before 12pm”, which is about as much use as a chocolate fireman when it comes to accuracy, but is nevertheless the best one ever gets in China. Naturally, the courier arrived at 1pm. He picked up the parcel, and departed. You might think that’s the end of the story, but that’s only because you haven’t been paying attention these last few years.

I received a call on my phone today from the employee who arranged for the courier to come and pick up the parcel. It seems there are now many problems and matters of intense confusion, with the inevitable result that the parcel will cost twice as much to send, it will be sent on the wrong waybill, it might not get there at all because someone decided to re-write the address and now it’s not readable, there is no longer a destination city, the commercial invoice is missing in action, and what colour did I want the fence painted? Please keep in mind that this employee is one of the better ones.

This happens every single time I send anything by courier. And I do mean every. single. time.

And that, to me, is what doing business in China is like.

Have a happy weekend, my little croissants. I’m off to elbow an old woman in the back of the neck.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Fact Friday, Motivational! | 48 Comments »

UbuntuJONAS (Jew-On-A-Stick Edition)

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, April 22, 2011

* For Harold – Happy Easter *

There is a difference, it would appear, between an IT fanatic and a fanatic IT person. The former has lots of cool gadgets and gizmo’s and things with flashing lights, whilst the latter causes their neighbours to worry about the safety of their kids.

For instance, I am well aware that there is a debate between users of Microsoft and Apple over which Operating System is best, or between users of Nokia and Android and Apple over which phone is best, or between users of Apple and everyone else over everything. Or, possibly, over iEverything. And that’s all well and good, because in the final analysis most of us just want to read our emails, play some games, and watch porn – and pretty much every computer and every OS ever built allow us to do just that.

And that appears to be a problem if you are a fanatic IT person:

Ubuntu Christian Edition is a free, open source operating system geared towards Christians. It is based on the popular Ubuntu Linux. Ubuntu is a complete Linux-based operating system, freely available with both community and professional support. The goal of Ubuntu Christian Edition is to bring the power and security of Ubuntu to Christians. Ubuntu Christian Edition is suitable for both desktop and server use.

Now, you might shake your head at the insanity of it all. You might chuckle about the daft way folks behave in certain religiously-extreme parts of the world. You might even (as I did) throw up your hands in despair and go back to your porn. But the tech guy here at MLHQ was genuinely curious and began a private investigation of this Ubuntu Jew-On-A-Stick Edition. His findings were rather interesting…

Ubuntu Christian Edition was made in only seven days, and kernel configuration is done through the make godconfig command. This generates a perfect .config file. It knows what your hardware needs and which modules you will need. The init process has been replaced by the genesis process. Finally, in order to work properly, Ubuntu Christian Edition needs to be activated online with a procedure called Baptism.

Ubuntu Christian Edition has only 10 commands, one of which is the confess command that deletes your logs and caches.

To install Wine in Ubuntu Christian Edition, you simply enter apt-get install water.

The hand cursor in Ubuntu Christian Edition’s browser has stigmata.

If you right-click on Wanda the Fish whilst logged as root in Ubuntu Christian Edition, you get in the popup menu the option multiply.

Ubuntu Christian Edition doesn’t allow one to put a network interface into promiscuous mode, and only married processes can fork children. Multiplication problems can only be done using the FORTH programming language, as in “Go forth and multiply”. Cloning is strictly forbidden.

In Ubuntu Christian Edition to find the meaning of a function you’ll have to type bible (name of the function) instead of man (name of the function).

In Ubuntu Christian Edition, a special BSOD (Blue Screen Of Death) has been introduced, which looks like a long shining tunnel (LSTSOD).

In Ubuntu Christian Edition the mount command calls the sermon script. Ensuring you always get a sermon on the mount.

There is no abort() support in Ubuntu Christian Edition’s glibc, and the sin() function has been removed from libm.

In Ubuntu Christian Edition, all documents are saved by grace through faith, and you can only burn heretic CD’s.

With Ubuntu Christian Edition, you don’t need to surf the web. You can walk on it.

Dual boot is not possible in Ubuntu Christian edition. “Thou shalt have no other operating systems before Me…”.

In Ubuntu Christian Edition, there can be only root and 12 more users, one of which will help hackers to access the system.

When the system has been idle for a few minutes, Ubuntu Christian Edition starts praying to save the screen.

If you uninstall Ubuntu Christian Edition, it will automatically re-install after three days.

Ubuntu Christian Edition’s Nautilus file browser has been replaced by Noah’s Ark file browser. It features an embedded backup function, limited to 40 days. And for 40 days before Easter, Ubuntu Christian Edition works in text mode only. Ubuntu Christian Edition processes can respawn only at Easter. And you can never get the system nailed down: It would be blasphemous.

In Ubuntu Christian Edition the default location for saved files is /heaven, EOF is replaced by AMEN, and the media player automatically discovers hidden backward messages in rock music.

In Ubuntu Christian Edition there are no zombie processes. No Voodoo in good Christian systems. Ubuntu Christian Edition also hasn’t got any configuration Wizard. No superstition in serious Christian systems.

Ubuntu Christian Edition won’t run on Apple computers. He said not to touch them.

An algorithm developed in Ubuntu Christian Edition does not need proofs.

Ubuntu Christian Edition’s man pages are dogmatic.

If a process dies in Ubuntu Christian Edition, it reaches eternal life. Without error code, it goes to the Holy Data Structure of Heaven; with error code, it is damned to the infamous Data Structure of Hell.

There are no direct broadcast messages from root in Ubuntu Christian Edition: there are special Prophet users who deliver them.

Ubuntu Christian Edition networking refuses to work with FreeBSD.

If you install successfully S.A.T.A.N. (Security Auditing Tool for Analysing Networks) on Ubuntu Christian Edition, you get a kernel panic as you reboot.

Ubuntu Christian Edition does not have daemons.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Fact Friday, Festivals et al | 4 Comments »

The List – Official!

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, April 1, 2011

Posted in Censorship, Fact Friday, Human Rights | 41 Comments »

The Price Of Poontang

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, July 29, 2010

I received an email from a reader recently, pointing me in the direction of a website that concerns itself with statistics of various sorts. Now, I don’t know if this is your sort of thing, but I simply love statistics, so MLHQ has been knee deep in numbers for the last few days.

Did you know, for instance, that the value of the prostitution industry in Australia is twenty seven million U.S. dollars? I’m frankly staggered, and have to assume they aren’t including all the keen amateurs who marry for money or expect blokes to buy them drinks and steak dinners. The figure for the U.K. is more realistic, around a billion dollars, which is just a little over half of what gets done in much smaller Taiwan ($1.84B). I was not surprised to see that Thailand, long regarded as the sex capital of the world, has a annual turnover of 4.3 billion dollars, but I was a bit surprised to see the Philippines at six billion green-backs. American men are obviously not getting any from their wives, because they are spending 14.6 billion dollars annually on prostitutes, but in Germany, where the industry is legal and regulated, the figure is eighteen billion!

In China, it’s seventy three billion dollars a year! That’s USD$73,000,000,000 per year!

So, you might be thinking, “Wow, that’s a lot of poon getting tanged, but after all there must be a reason Shanghai is called ‘the Whore of the Orient’, right?” And you would be correct, because most economists I’ve talked to, quietly reckon that prostitution is not only the only State-owned business that turns a profit, it also accounts for between ten and twenty percent of true GDP. Add in the fact that Chinese women really are the most unfaithful in the world, and you can understand why China has the worlds highest rate of syphilis – and it’s growing by 30% every year (that’s a faster rate than any other country).

But it isn’t the only big number you see when you start getting into the statistics. Take illegal logging, for instance. That’s 3.8 billion dollars right there, and that’s only what the Party admits to. Music, film, DVD and software piracy add up to more than 20 billion, while the counterfeit goods market is worth 60 billion. China’s contribution to the global drug trade is 17 billion dollars annually, and human trafficking brings in another 2 billion every year, almost as much as the cigarette smuggling industry. To get an idea of volume, a Burmese girl between the age of 16 and 18 who has been snatched from her home and sent to China (and several thousand are every year), is worth approximately $700 when sold as a bride in the countryside. A Chinese girl would be worth far less. The black market is worth nearly a hundred and sixty billion dollars a year!

The reports say that one third of homosexual men in China are married, but I might have read it wrong – it could have been one third of married men are raving queers, which seems rather more likely. Thirty-five percent of organ transplants take place via the application of forged documents, with almost all the rest being harvested from prisoners killed to order. Ninety percent of female North Korean refugees in China end up sold either as wives or prostitutes and sixty thousand Chinese children are abducted and sold annually. Non-performing loans are estimated to be worth nine hundred billion dollars! Seventy three million sharks are killed every year for their fins, 100,000 pangolin’s find their way to the dinner table, and 3,000 tons of protected and endangered animals are annually smuggled in from Vietnam alone for the restaurant trade (that’s why I only eat Panda).

These are big numbers, almost too big to comprehend. Let’s look at numbers you can get your head around, shall we? Like the price to be smuggled out of China and into another country – average price to go to Italy is $15,000 but that probably includes buying off every Italian official in the whole country. But if you’re Chinese and don’t have that kind of money, then why not just stay home and dull the pain of your worthless life with drugs? Pure heroine is cheap at $36.20 a gram, Meth is $6 a gram, Ecstasy is $4.50 per tablet, and Marijuana is a great deal at eighty cents a gram. And if it’s really bad and you decide to end your life, you always have the option of breathing the worlds most polluted air or eating the local food, though I wouldn’t recommend it due to the intense suffering you’re likely to experience (world’s highest rate of food poisoning). Hell, buy yourself a bear paw before you check out; a snap at $50.

Well over half of all the world’s seized counterfeit goods come from China, as do 90% of the counterfeit goods in the whole of the United States (64% in Europe). Chinese organised crime (which in China means ‘working with the blessings of the Party’) earned 3.3 billion dollars for the nation in Italy alone last year. Industrial espionage against the United States is worth in excess of fifty billion dollars a year!

Not one single Chinese policeman has ever arrested the top leaders for crimes against humanity, however.

Folks, I’m not making this stuff up – these numbers are based on official sources.

I love statistics, so if there’s any readers here who consider themselves a ‘numbers’ kind of person, and would like to discuss these shameful and disgusting statistics, feel free to be ignored in the comments section below.

I’m off to see if it still costs $10 to get my knob polished outside the nearby school.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, China, Corruption, Fact Friday, Pornography | 8 Comments »

June 4th? POTIF!

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, June 4, 2010

It’s June 4th. But no one actually seems to either know what that means, or care if they do.

At least it’s also a Friday.

Posted in Censorship, China, Democracy, Fact Friday, Human Rights | 81 Comments »

It’s [Fact] Friday!

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, April 10, 2009

Today’s fact is:

Fact! The new ‘Eye of Tianjin‘ will only cause problems.

According to ChinaDaily, this is the observation wheel ‘Eye of Tianjin’, pictured on its inauguration day in the northern city of Tianjin on Sunday April 5, 2009. Yet according to every Chinese person I’ve ever met, round eyes are no good. The future bodes ill for the Eye of Tianjin, then.090410eyetianjin

China – Leading The Way Since 2991BC

Posted in ChinaDaily, Fact Friday | 4 Comments »

It’s [Fact] Friday!

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, April 3, 2009

Today’s fact is:

Fact! Serf Emancipation Day was a crock of shit.

One point two million serfs were indeed liberated from their lives, and more than six thousand monasteries were liberated from their foundations when the Red Army rolled into Tibet. But that isn’t the same thing at all.

China – Leading The Way Since 2991BC

Posted in Fact Friday, Human Rights, Lies & Damned Lies | 2 Comments »

It’s [Fact] Friday!

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, March 27, 2009

Today’s fact[s] is are:

Fact! You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

Another Fact! No money = no honey.

Discuss.

China – Leading The Way Since 2991BC

Posted in Fact Friday | 15 Comments »