Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

I have a day off finally, and I’m cooking chicken soup. Unlike Chinese soups, this isn’t very famous in the world, but it is tasty and warming and probably won’t give me botulism. This isn’t a cookery blog, so I’m not going to give you a tiresome recipe, but for the benefit of my Chinese readership I will give you a few tips:

1. Soups made from scratch take longer than 8 minutes to prepare.
2. Tepid river water isn’t soup.
3. Slimy rubbish found floating in the moat or twigs from the forest floor are not actual ingredients.

I hope this proves useful in your future culinary adventures. Moving on…

Jeff, thank you for your Christmas wishes. Merry Christmas to you and yours. Thanks also for this helpful tip you sent in for our readers (who may wish to try this at home):
Get an absolutely clean and clear plate-glass or perspex and put a small puddle of water from your Nestle drinking fountain on it. Cover it with a dust cover and let it evaporate. Now shine a UV light on the plate-glass or perspex. Now do the same with tap water – a penny for your thoughts if you find something.

0112337 (a.k.a. Mister Fibonacci, a.k.a Annoying Twat), why are you making comments about being stalked by 70-year old gay guys in a park in Beijing? Refer perfectmatchmagazine.com if your memory lets you down. That said, thank you for being the most prolific poster on MyLaowai this year. Also, the most annoying poster on MyLaowai this year. And, possibly, the most entertaining poster on MyLaowai this year. Merry Christmas to you, even though it’s hard to know the season from inside your padded cell.

Da Bizzare, thank you for your various Guest Posts. I apologise for not posting them, and intend to remedy that starting right now (and also Merry Christmas to you):

Are you living in China? How’s your back passage feeling? Open? Stretched? Unlubricated yet well entered?

If not, you haven’t wised up yet. Every major piece of commercial software in this god-forsaken, anally retentive paranoid block of land they call a cunt-tree, even though the tree count is low – compared with the other component – will ream your computer for any viable information that may, or may not, be deemed sensitive by our hypochondriac bow-legged slant-eyed ‘friends’.

You shop on taobao? Oooh, that will probably require – software. I don’t mean the clothes that men wear here, I mean that executable stuff. No, I don’t mean the falling bong, err, failing gang, err, the radicals… I mean the shit that runs on your computer – or what passes as such here in this technologically starved land.

And said software, along with QQ and many many others of locally produced products, all have Chinese government installed green dams. Their mission: to search out new lives, to boldly execute where no-one has executed before (and here I mean the family-sponsored bullet to the head type of execution).

Live long and fester, and although its hard to keep your back passage closed, at least try and keep a spare orifice free. Err, unavailable for other’s use, not “for no charge”. There’s plenty of THOSE sort of free orifices everywhere here…

– Da Bizzare