Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Archive for the ‘Propaganda’ Category

« Previous Entries

An Book Review – Party Members

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, October 13, 2016

Party Members, the new book by Arthur Meursault, is finally out. And the eagerly-awaited review of this book, by MyLaowai, is also out.

I probably should start out with a few trigger warnings. But I won’t, because trigger warnings are for people who are so intellectually weak and emotionally inadequate that they might as well be vegetarianists or poofs or Trump supporters*.

*For anyone who wants to be offended by that statement, but who doesn’t feel quite entitled, please feel free to consider yourself a cunt in a very general sense.

There are many reasons to buy this book, and one of them is that I know the author is struggling under the crushing weight of unforgiven student debt and is forced to give blowjobs in exchange for bowls of noodles on the streets of Anyuan*.

*This is a lie. The author does not live in Anyuan.

But the real question is, is this book right for you? Here’s a handy Q and A to help you decide:

Q. Is this book right for me?

A. I don’t know. Are you an American?

Q. Yes, I am as it happens. How did you guess? Was it the perfect teeth? It was, wasn’t it?

A. No, it was the smart suit and matching power-tie that looked so stylish. Bad news chum, this book probably isn’t for you.

Q. Oh? Why not?

A. You will be offended by it. You should have read all those trigger warnings. Plus, you probably have some sort of romantic notions about China and how it would be lovely if only the Communist Party would let the humble and very ordinary people get on with their lives, but things are no doubt improving and anyway people are basically the same everywhere and it isn’t their fault they are poor and besides…

Q. Um, no. I intend voting Trump.

A. You will still be offended by it. You should have read all those trigger warnings. Plus, you probably have some sort of notions about China stealing all your jobs and coming over here and buying all our real estate and obviously they want to start WW3 because Alex Jones said so, just like the Chinese killed millions of Americans during 9/11 and they are jealous because we beat them in the last war and besides…

Q. Um. Sorry. I lied, I’m actually English.

A. Really? Fascinating. Which part of Blighty doest thou hail from?

Q. Newcastle.

A. This book might not be for you. I checked on the results of the last referendum and it’s clear that you are 49.3% likely to be unable to read. Although, that said, the pages are nice and soft so you will at least be able to make some use of them. I’m a Daily Express man myself, when it comes to these sorts of things. Your call.

Q. Is this book really as offensive as everybody says?

A. Is your screen-name Robert Black, by any chance? Because if it is, you’ll hate it. It’s well written, descriptive, and essentially accurate. Though, there are rather a lot of references to sexual assault, so maybe you’ll be turned on by it after all.

Q. No, my name is Mike Hunt.

A. Righto. Thanks. Well, as a work of literature it’s definitely on the rough side. Not for persons of a delicate disposition, certainly. Not easy to read if you are sensitive or a delicate snowflake. But fairly factual.

Q. Factual?

A. Certainly. Not in the sense of being about a real person or being set in a real place, but more in the sense of being about facts in a general sense of the word. Sort of thing.

Q. So, what do you reckon? Is it for me? Should I buy it?

A. Honestly, I don’t know. Look, I’ve been very patient but I’m incredibly busy getting these Christmas decorations made and these coolies don’t work all that hard without a good beating from time to time, so why not just buy it and then let me know what you think, hmmm? Tell you what, if you buy it and don’t like it, I promise on my first-born’s grave that I’ll totally reimburse you*, alright? Get it on Amazon here: Party Members

*This is a lie.

And for what it’s worth, this reviewer has a copy, liked it a lot, and is now going to pour a gin and tonic and try to think of a creative yet unfair way to be cruel to his workers. Again.

Have a nice day.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, China, Media, Newsflash, Propaganda, Zhang Ziyi | 1 Comment »

Palace Museum: Home to Many ‘Mosts’ and ‘Firsts’

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, May 22, 2014

Guest Post
For reference: http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/culture/2014-05/14/content_17505075_5.htm

Of course, it is high time the MyLaowai team turned its unbiased, unprejudiced but somewhat bleary eyes on the centerpiece of Chinese tourism. Unlike the propaganda promulgated by our colleagues at China Daily, that shining example of harmful harmonious reporting and a beacon of light to all lovers of suppressed free speech globally- we here at the MyLaowai newsteam have done a more thorough report on one of the world’s largest tourist traps.

First, let’s look at the claims.

1. The Forbidden City is the largest and most intact ancient building complex in the world.
Err, someone hasn’t been to the Tower of London. Size-wise, as in most important things, laowai much bigger than Chinese… It’s also older… much older… Technically speaking, the chink king brothel is listed by UNESCO as the largest collection of preserved ancient wooden structures in the world. There, if we narrow it down a lot, seeing as most smart little pigs built their houses from stone to stop the big bad wolf from burning them the fuck down… we can finally find a biggest. It’s the biggest surviving fire hazard from ancient times. Not really that ancient either. When I think of Ancient, I think of 1,000+ years, our chinky king brothel is about half that.

2. Biggest collection of old chink things.
Well, that’s a gimme, especially considering they include collections held elsewhere… and nobody, even the Palace Museum, is interested in over half the shit they have anyway…

3. The Palace Museum has been visited by the most tourists in the world.
Another gimme, seeing as Chinese can’t afford to visit other countries, even when they are granted permission to leave. What is with that, permission to leave your own country? Sigh. I can just see it now: “Let’s go visit the Louvre my honey-steeped locust” – “Sorry duck-face, we can’t get passports, Beijing ok?” Talk about a captive audience.

4. The Palace Museum was among the first batch listed as a world cultural heritage by UNESCO in China.
One of the first group of… not the first, but if we STREEEETTTTCCCCHHHHHHH the facts we can squeeze a first out of this I guess. A bit like a Chinese girl with a size-C push-up padded bra claiming to have C-size tits. No hun, they are AA’s. As in the battery…

5. The Palace Museum located in the most beautiful city central axis in the world.
WTF??!!! OMG. Excuse me while I have a martini or 60 to get over the shock. Once we wipe the pavements clean of blood, and ignore the fact it’s a giant bloody concrete pavement, how about we settle with “Located in the middle of one of the most polluted cities on the planet” and call it quits.

6.
Hang on, there isn’t a number 6. You mean, even with including an outright lie or two, and stretching the facts until they can be plucked to accompany a mosquitoes hum, you can only find five?

There are plenty more, here’s just a few:

6: Museum with the most number of citizens slaughtered onsite in the modern era.
Argueably also true for the ancient era.

7: Most number of toilets in any museum without toilet paper!
Google ‘forbidden city toilet’ for a chuckle at reviews.

8: Least disabled-friendly museum.
http://blogs.wsj.com/chinarealtime/2014/05/02/un-forbidden-braving-beijings-biggest-tourist-attraction-in-a-wheelchair/ as one example. Let’s not forget, this is after the HUGE (Chinese huge is anything bigger than tiny) effort put in for the Olympics…

9. Museum with the most number of military police on duty.
Well, they hafta do something to keep unemployment rates down I guess…

10. Museum with the most ignored signage in the world.
From “No Spitting” to “No Photos” and “No Smoking”, I have yet to see any Chinese taking ANY notice at all of any of these signs…

That’s enough for now, but at least we made it to 10, and did it with the raw truth. MyLaowai > ChinaDaily, yet again.

Have a harmonica day!

DaBizzare.

Posted in ChinaDaily, Guest Post, History, Media, Propaganda | 8 Comments »

Ching Ching, Qingdao

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, November 23, 2013

Guest Post
Got a gas problem? Too many pickled eggs maybe?

One of the most dangerous places on the face of the planet has to be Qingdao, or Tsingdao, depending on which epoch you choose to come from. [Ed: It’s Tsingdao, unless you come from Peking]

Most expats in China would probably recognize the latter, not the former, due to their daily consumption of the watered-down rats-piss exported from the German settlement that passes as beer everywhere else.

For all you others: the place where the Olympic sailing races were held.

Yeah – the algae bloom landing zone.

Before this week, it was dangerous enough. China’s nuclear submarine base is but a few Km north under the mountain that drove many Chinese emperors to send their subjects to Korea in search of the mystic floating islands that can be viewed from Penglai pavilion (Mirage).

Oh yes, that place. The one that had the massive oil slick from Chinese-quality offshore oil drilling. Mmmm. One of the most unhealthiest beaches in the world. No golden sand. No waves. Plenty of pollution. But really good beer.

Whoa. Hang on. Can we derive a causative effect here? Qingdao is an ongoing cluster-fuck, and also has (locally only) some of the best beer in China.

Yes, this week, an oil pipeline blew up. Where? Under a main road. WHAT THE FUCK? Which country in their right mind places a major oil pipeline from the drilling site to the refinery UNDER A MAIN ROAD? Let alone the residences, businesses etc it also passes under.

China. land of the long yellow shortcut.

– Da Bizzare

Posted in Environment, Guest Post, Newsflash, Propaganda | Tagged: , | 2 Comments »

And another bloody thing…

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, September 15, 2012

I’m listening to the sound of air-raid sirens. China is conducting nationwide air-raid drills today. Why a country that purports to be peaceful and not interested in war should feel the need to conduct air-raid drills is a bit of a mystery, but I leave you to draw your own conclusions on that subject.

On a subject that may be related, I received the following email from a friend who works at a large company in China. He would prefer to remain anonymous, for obvious reasons. The email was sent to him by the Party Office in his company.

I can’t be bothered to translate it all, but Google translate is close enough to get the point across:

All employees:

The Japanese government, regardless of China’s repeated solemn representations, has announced the “purchase” of the Diaoyu Islands, the implementation of the so-called “nationalization”, and signed today with the so-called “land owners” a purchase contract for the Senkaku islands “(i.e. Chinese Diaoyu Islands). This is a serious infringement of China’s territorial sovereignty, and the serious injury of the 1.3 billion Chinese people’s feelings is a serious violation of the historical facts and international jurisprudence. The Chinese government and people expressed resolute opposition and strong protests.

The solemn statement of the Chinese government, is that the Japanese government’s so-called “purchase of islands” is completely illegal, invalid, does not change the historical fact of the Japanese occupation of Chinese territory, and does not change China’s territorial sovereignty of the Diaoyu Islands. The Chinese government will not sit back and watch it’s territorial sovereignty to be violated. China strongly urges the Japanese side to immediately stop all acts to undermine China’s territorial sovereignty. If the Japanese side insists, all the serious consequences resulting therefrom can only be borne by the Japanese side and Japan’s “purchase of islands” behaviour, and China will implement a series of counter-measures.

[…]

All the company party members and cadres should effectively improve their sense of responsibility, to take up the responsibility of the maintenance of stability work, should take the lead to stick to their own posts, guide the masses of workers rational expression of patriotic fervour in accordance with the law, to unite and move forward together. To work together with all Chinese united, will move forward together, patriotic passion into power in action, take concrete actions to promote the cause […], to promote the harmonious development of the motherland prosperous and strong!

– Party Committee Office

And the air-raid sirens continue…

Posted in History, Lies & Damned Lies, Newsflash, Propaganda | 11 Comments »

What REALLY Happened…

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, June 5, 2012

A sea of candles lit up Victoria Park last night as a record number of mourners gave public voice to their grief at China’s only large-scale event commemorating those killed in the 1989 Tiananmen Square crackdown.
– South China Morning Post [which is from Hong Kong, not from China].

Posted in Media, Motivational!, Propaganda | 4 Comments »

‘Super Typhoon’ Muifa – My Arse

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, August 7, 2011

The Chinese have been calling it a ‘Super Typhoon’. I call it ‘a normal day at the seaside in any normal country’. But, as usual, the international press have been buying into the story – hook, line, sinker, rod, reel, fisherman, and pier. The dozy, lazy fucks.

230,000 people evacuated in Zhejiang province alone? Really? Seems a lot. But wait, because didn’t the so-called ‘Super Typhoon’ strike on a weekend? When all the kids were home from school? Oh yes, so I guess the kids that didn’t go to school could be considered to be ‘evacuated’. I mean, if you were a lazy fucking reporter who likes Communist Party headlines, that is.

Thirty-five fishing boats missing? Try ‘a few fisherman were at the KTV getting their knob scrubbed and the rest were arrested by the Japanese Coast Guard for illegal fishing’. But hey, another good headline, right?

Seventy-five flights cancelled out of Shanghai? True, actually. But I know for a fact that wind speeds at the airport in question were barely sufficient to fly a kite. Makes for a better story if we just use the Communist Party line though, right guys?

“Stock up on emergency supplies of food, water, and cash in case of storm-related power outages,” we are told. Well, that happens every day in China. Power outages are as common as people shitting on the footpath. But not because of storms; because of the need to keep thousands of empty buildings fully lit at all times in an attempt to keep from losing face.

It’s bad enough that the Chinese are scared of their own shadows, and terrified of the prospect of any rain cleaning the dirt from their filthy bodies. It’ s far worse when Western news agencies report the same old tired headlines without bothering to check their facts. It’s disgraceful when they are content to re-use decades-old footage showing the same bunch of soldiers building the same sandbag dykes in the same overflowing rivers.

I’m writing this from the worst-affected part of East China, and I’m doing so from my balcony, whilst sipping a gin & tonic. Wind? A very mild, cooling breeze. Rain? Nope – and although the Aston did catch a few drops during the night, it wasn’t enough to wash the dust off, so my coolie had better get a move on and wash the thing properly if he doesn’t want another beating.

‘Super Typhoon’ my arse.

Posted in Lies & Damned Lies, Propaganda | 8 Comments »

72 Hours

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, March 15, 2011

A few years ago I was on the phone to a client, and he asked me what the time difference was between where he was and China. I replied: “Four hours and four hundred years behind you”.

But China is also 72 hours behind the rest of the world, because it always takes three days for any news at all to filter through the censors, if it ever does. It has always been thus.

And yet, within 72 minutes of Japan being rocked by a massive natural disaster, the news was on every television, in every public place, on buses, in subways, everywhere. Imagine my surprise.

My attention was drawn to this by groups of people, mostly young adults, standing around public propaganda television screens and cheering loudly. Imagine my not-surprise.

It is true that not all Chinese people are outwardly expressing joy at the tragic situation Japan is facing – I have spoken to a number of Chinese people who simply don’t care either way, and more who are actually quite upset. Well, they would be, of course, because their customers and/or suppliers are Japanese and they stand to lose a lot of business.

In case you are wondering whether China has offered to send any support or rescue teams, the answer according to ChinaDaily is a resounding YES! Mind you, if you read the small print you may notice the true answer is that an NGO team that happens to be based in China is going, and that the Party and People of the world’s second largest economy with the world’s largest cash reserves have refused point-blank to countenance any help at all.

Just to put things in perspective, Japan has been the single largest contributor to the success of China’s economy, giving hundreds of billions of dollars in the form of soft loans, development aid, direct investment, and so on. It is no exaggeration to say that most Chinese people would still be living in mud huts without the generous assistance given to them freely by Japan. In 2008, when western China was hit by a large earthquake, Japan was one of the very first nations to offer condolences, support, rescue teams, and humanitarian aid. No one in Japan was laughing or cheering.

And so, once again, we see why China and the Chinese people are not fit to play a role on the world stage. Kel surprise.

Posted in Censorship, Propaganda | 39 Comments »

M.Y.O. Medal

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Today is a very exciting day. For starters, it’s International Communist Women’s Day, and that surely is very exciting. It’s also Fat Tuesday, or, as Americans call it, Every Tuesday. Wow. It’s also on this day in history that Johannes Kepler discovered the third law of planetary motion, which states that the universe revolves around Peking, or so I’m told.

But none of this compares to last Saturday, when the whole world celebrated Lei Feng Day.

Oh yes indeed! Lei Feng, the most famous hero of them all, the National Hero of China and sock-washer extraordinaire, is remembered every March 5th. He was truly a great man, and washed many socks. He was also run over by a reversing truck. Twice. After being wrapped in barbed wire. By his best friend. By accident, really it was. He even earned a medal for it.

I think it says something about China that the National Hero is celebrated for doing something nice (i.e. washing socks for other people). And for being run over by a slowly reversing truck. Twice. It really is no wonder that his memory is so revered.

And now you, too, can share in the joy of Lei Feng. Simply print this Lei Feng Commemorative Medal*, cut it out, and wear it with pride upon your very own sunken chest. You will be the envy of your friends. It even comes with free Oak Leaf Cluster, for brave heroes who are run over twice whilst washing socks.

Just remember to be careful around reversing trucks.

* Or go here and buy it. Your call, really.

 

Posted in Festivals et al, Propaganda | 52 Comments »

How Wet Thou Art, Pussy!

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, August 19, 2010

Well now, Lee Hannon, it seems you have been a bad boy recently. A very bad boy indeed. Been working for ChinaDaily, have we? Tsk, tsk. As the Chief Editor no less, according to your LinkedIn profile, although ChinaDaily themselves say you are a mere ‘journalist’. My word, Mister Hannon, you have been stretching some truths, haven’t you? Naughty, naughty.

But hey, it’s cool with us. We don’t mind if you get your kicks by licking a Panda’s arse, and we don’t really care if you do love the Party more then you love your own family, because it takes all sorts to make the world go round, and even treasonous vipers like yourself have a place in society. Granted, that place is swinging from the end of a rope tied to your gentleman’s vegetables at one end and a lamp post at the other, but it’s a place nonetheless.

I was, however, interested to read a recent article in which you slagged off England, the nation of your birth. In it, you said words to the effect that the UK was not a good place for tourists to visit during the next Olympic Games. As evidence, you cited the Anholt-GfK Roper Nation Brands Index on the quality of welcome offered to visitors, in which the UK ranked 14th. You probably thought you were quite safe in doing so, as this Index is not widely available for public consumption.

You obviously read the report thoroughly, right? I mean to say, it would hardly be responsible of you to not have read it from cover to cover, agreed?

You made a point of bemoaning the fact that, in the particular category quoted, the UK ranked 14th. Where did your beloved China rank, I wonder? But wait, it would appear that I have a copy of the report myself. Let’s just have a look, shall we? Oh yes, here we are…

Overall Nation Brands Index
UK 4th
China 22nd

Exports Index
– contribution to innovation
– effect on attitudes towards ‘country of origin’
– degree of creativity
UK 4th
China 17th (quality of products 45th)

Governance
– competently and honestly governed
– respect and fair treatment of it’s citizens
– responsible behaviour in international peace and security
– responsible environmental protection
– responsible for reducing world poverty
UK 7th
China 49th (just in front of Iran, in last place)

Culture
– sports
– cultural heritage
– music, films, art, literature
UK 4th
China 7th

People
– friendly towards visitors
– other people want them as friends
– valuable employees
UK 6th
China 35th (but hey, up from 41st, which is good)

Tourism
– people would like to visit
– rich in natural beauty
– rich in historic buildings
– vibrant city life
UK 5th
China 19th

Immigration & Investment
– foreigners want to live there
– quality of life
– good place to study
– businesses worth investing in
– equal opportunities
UK 4th
China 33rd

Special Category: Contribution to Global Recovery from the Economic Crisis
UK 3rd
China 11th

There’s something else worth noting about this report, and that is that the authors have a website on which you can see how ordinary people around the world rated cities and countries across the globe, including their own.

This is how the Chinese people (and Lee Hannon) ranked Beijing:
Most important city in the world (with Shanghai 2nd and Shenzhen 3rd. Hong Kong 4th, of course.)
Best services and accommodation in the world
Best people in the world
Most lively city in the world
Most opportunities in the world

However, China was the only country in which it’s citizens were not allowed to give their opinion on their own country. I find that telling.

What I find equally telling, is that you, Mister Hannon, have lied through your back teeth whilst in the service of the Party. You have crossed the line, sunshine. The Wet Pussy Award is given to those bottom-feeders who “actively seek out ways to support the Han Regime, who publicly side with the Chinese Communist Party… A great many of these sympathisers work […] in the entertainment industry, and most show their support by […] agreeing in public with the position the Han regime takes on anything and everything […] they [also] do the ‘look at the stupid Laowai’ entertainment shows in which Han Chinese are shown to be superior to the nasty barbarian foreigners.”

Mister Hannon, I believe you qualify in the worst possible way, and I award you this Wet Pussy for being a complete and utter toe-rag, wastrel, scumbag, and all-round traitor to humanity. You’d better hope you never meet me in a bar, because I’ll have your guts for my garters, sparky.


Mister Lee Hannon, Wet Pussy Winner.
I hope you die of cancer.

Posted in ChinaDaily, Lies & Damned Lies, Media, Olympics, Propaganda, Wet Pussy Awards | 14 Comments »

Haibao and the Sinking of Shanghai

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, May 5, 2010

So, Shanghai is sinking. Perhaps it is hubris, with a name that literally means “Above the Sea”, maybe it will have to be renamed soon. They have staved off trouble temporarily by building dykes (isn’t the Bund so picturesque?) and for the long term they are busy making up for the depletion of ground water by pumping in large quantities of effluent chemical sludge water from the Huangpu river.

Shanghai used to be swampland. Noxious gases, a complete lack of civilized life, unfit for human habitation and dangerous wildlife. Then they started reclaiming the land, nothing much changed other than they actually sited people on it.

Of course, it doesn’t take a lot of genius to realise that pumping the water out to make firmer mud, then piling on towering buildings on the top, doesn’t make for a stable long term seaside city. Unfortunately, even that small amount of brainpower is completely absent in any of the municipal authorities.

Enter Haibao – the proposed new name for Shanghai. Designed to represent people, based on the Chinese character ‘ren‘, and his name meaning “Treasure of the Ocean”, Haibao is the mystic embodiment of the people driving Shanghai into the sea.

After the Expo the myriad of Haibao’s will finally be put to use. Those of flimsy construction will be ceremonially burnt, as symbolic human effigies. Hopefully this will counter the curse. Those of more solid construction will be used as underground structural supports, to try and keep the subsidence to a minimum. Yes, hidden in that simplistic design is a nice load-bearing arch.

So, will Shanghai become Haibao in the near future? Only time will tell, but by all means go visit the basements of the skyscrapers, and check the water level for yourself.

– DaBizarre

Posted in Festivals et al, Guest Post, Propaganda | 2 Comments »

« Previous Entries