Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Archive for the ‘Media’ Category

An Book Review – Party Members

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, October 13, 2016

Party Members, the new book by Arthur Meursault, is finally out. And the eagerly-awaited review of this book, by MyLaowai, is also out.

I probably should start out with a few trigger warnings. But I won’t, because trigger warnings are for people who are so intellectually weak and emotionally inadequate that they might as well be vegetarianists or poofs or Trump supporters*.

*For anyone who wants to be offended by that statement, but who doesn’t feel quite entitled, please feel free to consider yourself a cunt in a very general sense.

There are many reasons to buy this book, and one of them is that I know the author is struggling under the crushing weight of unforgiven student debt and is forced to give blowjobs in exchange for bowls of noodles on the streets of Anyuan*.

*This is a lie. The author does not live in Anyuan.

But the real question is, is this book right for you? Here’s a handy Q and A to help you decide:

Q. Is this book right for me?

A. I don’t know. Are you an American?

Q. Yes, I am as it happens. How did you guess? Was it the perfect teeth? It was, wasn’t it?

A. No, it was the smart suit and matching power-tie that looked so stylish. Bad news chum, this book probably isn’t for you.

Q. Oh? Why not?

A. You will be offended by it. You should have read all those trigger warnings. Plus, you probably have some sort of romantic notions about China and how it would be lovely if only the Communist Party would let the humble and very ordinary people get on with their lives, but things are no doubt improving and anyway people are basically the same everywhere and it isn’t their fault they are poor and besides…

Q. Um, no. I intend voting Trump.

A. You will still be offended by it. You should have read all those trigger warnings. Plus, you probably have some sort of notions about China stealing all your jobs and coming over here and buying all our real estate and obviously they want to start WW3 because Alex Jones said so, just like the Chinese killed millions of Americans during 9/11 and they are jealous because we beat them in the last war and besides…

Q. Um. Sorry. I lied, I’m actually English.

A. Really? Fascinating. Which part of Blighty doest thou hail from?

Q. Newcastle.

A. This book might not be for you. I checked on the results of the last referendum and it’s clear that you are 49.3% likely to be unable to read. Although, that said, the pages are nice and soft so you will at least be able to make some use of them. I’m a Daily Express man myself, when it comes to these sorts of things. Your call.

Q. Is this book really as offensive as everybody says?

A. Is your screen-name Robert Black, by any chance? Because if it is, you’ll hate it. It’s well written, descriptive, and essentially accurate. Though, there are rather a lot of references to sexual assault, so maybe you’ll be turned on by it after all.

Q. No, my name is Mike Hunt.

A. Righto. Thanks. Well, as a work of literature it’s definitely on the rough side. Not for persons of a delicate disposition, certainly. Not easy to read if you are sensitive or a delicate snowflake. But fairly factual.

Q. Factual?

A. Certainly. Not in the sense of being about a real person or being set in a real place, but more in the sense of being about facts in a general sense of the word. Sort of thing.

Q. So, what do you reckon? Is it for me? Should I buy it?

A. Honestly, I don’t know. Look, I’ve been very patient but I’m incredibly busy getting these Christmas decorations made and these coolies don’t work all that hard without a good beating from time to time, so why not just buy it and then let me know what you think, hmmm? Tell you what, if you buy it and don’t like it, I promise on my first-born’s grave that I’ll totally reimburse you*, alright? Get it on Amazon here: Party Members

*This is a lie.

And for what it’s worth, this reviewer has a copy, liked it a lot, and is now going to pour a gin and tonic and try to think of a creative yet unfair way to be cruel to his workers. Again.

Have a nice day.

Advertisements

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, China, Media, Newsflash, Propaganda, Zhang Ziyi | 1 Comment »

#Chexit

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, July 13, 2016

#Chexit: China out of the South China Sea

I guess you can’t just pick and choose which international agreements you have to honour, eh?

Posted in China, History, Media, Newsflash | Leave a Comment »

Party Members

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, June 25, 2016

160625 Party Members

Party Members: A Book by Arthur Meursault

 

Got so much money you don’t know how to spend it? Yeah, I know. It’s tough. I mean to say, there are only so many times you can have your Aston detailed before the shine blinds you. And frankly, I’m a bit over bathing in champagne. Which is why I was so delighted to be introduced to a new book, priced at a level that ensures you can afford it, and your coolies cannot. Read about it here:

https://arthurmeursault.com/2016/06/23/announcing-my-book-party-members/

I’ve read this, and it’s my considered and very important opinion that you should, too. At the very least, it’ll give you something to do while you’re waiting for the champagne bath to fill. Again.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, China, Media, Newsflash | 7 Comments »

Merry Christmas. Humbug et al…

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, December 24, 2015

I won’t bore you with a lot of blah blah blah about Christmas. You’re probably fed up with the whole thing by now and I don’t blame you. Unless of course you live in a non-Christian country, or under a rock, or in China, all of which amount to the same vis-a-vis Yule. Here, deep in the Arsehole At The End Of The World, known by brave travelers as A Bloody Awful Place, and by those who have never visited simply as China, Christmas is officially banned. Students caught celebrating it are expelled from skool or university and their families put on a watch list. Officials are sacked, shot and their families sent a bill for the bullet. I merely put a red coat and hat on the statue of that other fat, red cunt Mao Zedong we have outside the factory reception building.

I fancied going to a show or performance this year, something to take my mind off the never-ending pollution (now officially known as “Fog” according to the stern, Poe-faced man from The Government who personally came to see me, and who was surprised when I laughed in his face and told him to fuck off pronto chop-chop quick-quick) and endless political bullshit that we’ve been enduring since the current monster came to power. I saw that Rhythm Of The Dance was in town, so booked a ticket.

Now, I’m not normally one for all that tippy-tap nonsense, but I figured if anyone could pull it off, it would be the old bog-leapers. And Irish music is generally the best music for the chronically depressed to listen to, as evidenced by thousands of generations of chronically depressed Irish peasants. And, after all, it is a world famous production. Which might just be slightly taking advantage of the success of Lord Of The Dance, which just a wee bit took advantage of the success of Riverdance. But whatever, even a copy of a copy of some Paddy tip-tap is better than what we normally get in China.

And, indeed, it really was a good performance, and one that I heartily recommend you go and see. In fact, the only thing about it that wasn’t first-rate, was the fact that is was performed in China, at the very expensive, and very imposing, Shanghai Grand Theatre.

The sound system was shit, with the speakers distorting the sound badly and the levels so out of whack that some instruments and voices you couldn’t hear while others hurt your ears. The lighting was atrocious, with the idiots running the spots never able to find the performers or keep up with them. One of the computer-controlled lights had either been programmed wrong, or was in need of repair, or had recently been repaired by a Chinaman. And two of the ushers had brought along laser pointers in order to try to blind the performers and distract the audience, which even for Chinese is a new low. If you fired the entire staff and replaced them with kindergartners, it would be a damned sight better.

SO, this year my Christmas Message is aimed at anyone thinking of bringing any of The Arts to China:

“Don’t come, for your own sake. But also, please do come, because no matter how much the Chinese will try to fuck you up, there are some of us here who need you badly, and it’s getting harder every day.”

To the National Dance Company of Ireland, a special Thank You from me. And to all the rest of you, a special Thank You from our very own Christmas Eve:

Christmas Eve

Stay tuned for more Sinocidal, from the vaults…

Posted in China, Festivals et al, Media | Leave a Comment »

Palace Museum: Home to Many ‘Mosts’ and ‘Firsts’

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, May 22, 2014

Guest Post
For reference: http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/culture/2014-05/14/content_17505075_5.htm

Of course, it is high time the MyLaowai team turned its unbiased, unprejudiced but somewhat bleary eyes on the centerpiece of Chinese tourism. Unlike the propaganda promulgated by our colleagues at China Daily, that shining example of harmful harmonious reporting and a beacon of light to all lovers of suppressed free speech globally- we here at the MyLaowai newsteam have done a more thorough report on one of the world’s largest tourist traps.

First, let’s look at the claims.

1. The Forbidden City is the largest and most intact ancient building complex in the world.
Err, someone hasn’t been to the Tower of London. Size-wise, as in most important things, laowai much bigger than Chinese… It’s also older… much older… Technically speaking, the chink king brothel is listed by UNESCO as the largest collection of preserved ancient wooden structures in the world. There, if we narrow it down a lot, seeing as most smart little pigs built their houses from stone to stop the big bad wolf from burning them the fuck down… we can finally find a biggest. It’s the biggest surviving fire hazard from ancient times. Not really that ancient either. When I think of Ancient, I think of 1,000+ years, our chinky king brothel is about half that.

2. Biggest collection of old chink things.
Well, that’s a gimme, especially considering they include collections held elsewhere… and nobody, even the Palace Museum, is interested in over half the shit they have anyway…

3. The Palace Museum has been visited by the most tourists in the world.
Another gimme, seeing as Chinese can’t afford to visit other countries, even when they are granted permission to leave. What is with that, permission to leave your own country? Sigh. I can just see it now: “Let’s go visit the Louvre my honey-steeped locust” – “Sorry duck-face, we can’t get passports, Beijing ok?” Talk about a captive audience.

4. The Palace Museum was among the first batch listed as a world cultural heritage by UNESCO in China.
One of the first group of… not the first, but if we STREEEETTTTCCCCHHHHHHH the facts we can squeeze a first out of this I guess. A bit like a Chinese girl with a size-C push-up padded bra claiming to have C-size tits. No hun, they are AA’s. As in the battery…

5. The Palace Museum located in the most beautiful city central axis in the world.
WTF??!!! OMG. Excuse me while I have a martini or 60 to get over the shock. Once we wipe the pavements clean of blood, and ignore the fact it’s a giant bloody concrete pavement, how about we settle with “Located in the middle of one of the most polluted cities on the planet” and call it quits.

6.
Hang on, there isn’t a number 6. You mean, even with including an outright lie or two, and stretching the facts until they can be plucked to accompany a mosquitoes hum, you can only find five?

There are plenty more, here’s just a few:

6: Museum with the most number of citizens slaughtered onsite in the modern era.
Argueably also true for the ancient era.

7: Most number of toilets in any museum without toilet paper!
Google ‘forbidden city toilet’ for a chuckle at reviews.

8: Least disabled-friendly museum.

http://blogs.wsj.com/chinarealtime/2014/05/02/un-forbidden-braving-beijings-biggest-tourist-attraction-in-a-wheelchair/ as one example. Let’s not forget, this is after the HUGE (Chinese huge is anything bigger than tiny) effort put in for the Olympics…

9. Museum with the most number of military police on duty.
Well, they hafta do something to keep unemployment rates down I guess…

10. Museum with the most ignored signage in the world.
From “No Spitting” to “No Photos” and “No Smoking”, I have yet to see any Chinese taking ANY notice at all of any of these signs…

That’s enough for now, but at least we made it to 10, and did it with the raw truth. MyLaowai > ChinaDaily, yet again.

Have a harmonica day!

DaBizzare.

Posted in ChinaDaily, Guest Post, History, Media, Propaganda | 8 Comments »

Fuat Yalan – Almost Right

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, August 19, 2013

Fuat Yalan This is Fuat Yalan, a politician who, after seeing a video of Chinese people beating up a poor Uighur boy, made some comments that various weak-minded fucktards have called ‘racist’. Now, I’m of the opinion that when a politician says something he honestly believes to be true, then that should be applauded, particularly when, as is the case here, he is right.

However, whilst Mister Fuat Yalan is generally correct in his sentiments, something that all right-minded humans who have been to China won’t for a moment doubt, he is incorrect in the particulars. Here is his quote:

“I hope that it will be 140 degrees and that all the Chinese will burn, so the world will be free of that Chinese filth.”

And here is what he should have said:

“What China really needs to do is have three weeks of petroleum rain, followed by a decent lightning storm, and have the resulting fire extinguished with napalm.”

Have a nice day. Unless you are in China, in which case you won’t.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai, Media | Leave a Comment »

Jackie “I am a Douche” Chan

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, January 12, 2013

A reader writes:
You simply must write a piece on the utter sellout doucheness of Jackie “CCP Sycophant” Chan!!

Jackie Chan, or Chan Kong San as he was named at birth, is the action star of many advertisements for excellent products. Here are a few:
Jackie's Weak Ads
Wow. Imagine being the proud owner of a product (produced using a ‘Renowned Family of Traditional Chinese Herbs’) that “Makes Hair Naturally Dark and Shiny with all its [sic] Strength”. Hey, if Jackie uses that shit, it’s gotta be good, right? I’m sold.

But there’s more to Mister Chan than meets the eye. He is, for instance, a musical star. Of various Canto-pop songs. And Mando-pop, whatever that is. Probably it isn’t what normal people think of as music. But wait, there’s more. He was born in Hong Kong, which was a part of the British Empire until Great Britain gave Hong Kong to Red China (very much against the wishes of the people living there, it must be said). His parents were in fact refugees from China, who had fled to Hong Kong because it was, quite frankly, a better place in every possible way, much as it is today. He didn’t do very well at school, but he did better as a stuntman and as an extra in a few films, most of which were only moderately successful. The films in which he played a starring role were all commercial flops, however. His real breakthrough, his first film to make any money, was a porn-flick entitled All In The Family. At this point, as far as I am concerned, the story should have ended, but he went on to do another porn-flick entitled The Shinjuku Incident, after which he wisely emigrated to Australia. Anyway, one thing led to another and he made a few more films, some of which actually didn’t fail much. He eventually married a citizen of Taiwan, and they had a son. Jackie doesn’t admit to being the father of his other child, who was born out of an affair. I think that’s pretty fucking weak as it happens, but hey, when you are a Big Star, what do you care if you are a douche, right?

But all that is neither here nor there. Jackie Chan is a person who was born in a free country, raised in another free country, married a woman from yet another free country, and made his money selling films to a variety of free countries. However, he sees nothing wrong in selling out the citizens of any number of free countries if he thinks it will benefit him personally. And sell them out he does:
2004, Shanghai: “[the free elections in Taiwan are] the biggest joke in the world.”
2008, Olympic Torch Relay: “Demonstrators better not get anywhere near me.”
2009, BOAO Forum: “…in the 10 years after Hong Kong’s return to Chinese rule, I can gradually see, I’m not sure if it’s good to have freedom or not… If you’re too free, you’re like the way Hong Kong is now. It’s very chaotic. Taiwan is also chaotic… I’m gradually beginning to feel that we Chinese need to be controlled. If we’re not being controlled, we’ll just do what we want.”
2010, botched hostage rescue in Manila: “If they killed the guy sooner, [protestors] will say why not negotiate first? If they negotiate first, they ask why not kill the guy sooner?”
2012, Hong Kong: “demonstrators’ rights in Hong Kong should be limited.”

Now, I’m not saying this guy is all bad. He isn’t. He actually does do quite a lot of good, charitable things. But he is still a douche. That’s just a FACT. Not convinced? When he was recently accused of not being a real man, he claimed he had frightened away the Triads with grenades and machine guns, yet when the Police then expressed an interest in speaking to him about this slight breach of the peace, he mumbled that he’d been making up porkies. Sounds like a douche to me, folks.

Anyway, make you own minds up. For my part, he is a feckless, bedwetting fucktard. And his Kung Fu is Weak.
Jackie Chan is Fucked

Posted in Brown Nose Award, Democracy, Human Rights, Media | 8 Comments »

Why? This is Why…

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, January 3, 2013

China Internet

We have recently concluded a deal that involved receiving bids from prospective suppliers. Of the serious contenders, three were from China and one was located in Japan. We yesterday announced to all parties that the Japanese won the bidding process and have got the deal. This was greeted with whines and anger, with two of the Chinese parties demanding to know why we didn’t pick them. Why? Here, for the hard-of-thinking, are the reasons:

1. When the Japanese come to my office, they have washed and brushed their teeth. I therefore am prepared to listen to them for longer. They are also more polite, or, put another way, they have heard of manners and practise using them. When we eat together, I am not repulsed.

2. The Japanese have never stolen my trade secrets, as have the Chinese. This matters even more than personal hygiene.

3. The Japanese made me privy to their reasoning and were very open and honest with me about absolutely every aspect of the deal. The Chinese were as transparent as a concrete wall and refused to discuss the reasons why their proposals were structured the way they were. Thus, although the Japanese bid was the most expensive, I completely understand why this should be so.

4. I trust the Japanese. Amazingly, I trust the Japanese even though my grandfather fought against them in the Second World War. Seems strange, perhaps, but I just feel that one shouldn’t base one’s entire world-view on something that our ancient ancestors did long before we were even twinkles in the milk-man’s eye. On the other hand, two of the Chinese parties actively tried to bribe their way into the deal, and the other was overheard making disparaging comments about foreigners in China. It seems unlikely that I can trust them.

5. Most of all, however, even more important than all the rest of this, is the fact that the Japanese came back to me with an on-time bid that was comprehensive and answered all the questions. None of the Chinese parties did. Oh sure, they complain now that it isn’t their fault that their email wasn’t working and that they had problems accessing some of the reference documents that were kept in the Google Docs folder, and that their Dropbox was never synched, and that they couldn’t use their VPN’s to access my servers. You know what? I don’t care. I don’t give one single, solitary groat’s worth of shit. For all I care, you can walk East until your head floats. Fuck you, in fact. Fuck you, your mother, your father, your entire fucking family, your neighbours, people who have loaned you money, fuck you all. Your country, your government, and your Party that you are so proud of in front of me, your fucktarded internet controls that you refuse to protest, your oh-so-fucking wonderful Sina and QQ and Weibo and Youku and Baidu and all the rest of your stolen technology, these have done sweet fuck all to help you to compete on the simple, level playing field I set before you. The Japanese, quite frankly, were better than you, their system was better than yours, their country is better than yours, their culture is better than yours, and although their price wasn’t better than yours, I do guarantee that their quality will be better than yours too.

Happy New Year, Mr. Fujimoto. Akemashite omedeto gozaimasu, kotoshi mo yoroshiku onegaishimasu.

Posted in Censorship, Corruption, Media, Rules of the Road | 21 Comments »

Liu Lin: Twat

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, June 6, 2012

This one is darned good. Global Times, that paragon of Communisticalness, is reporting on a “foreign video game that vilifies China”. Go and read all about it here [http://www.globaltimes.cn/NEWS/tabid/99/ID/708499/Foreign-video-game-vilifies-China.aspx].

Well hey, it’s been about a week since all the Chinese people were offended by something or someone foreign. The wanker who is bleating the loudest, is some ugly little gobshite named Liu Lin. Seriously, is there anyone at all in China who doesn’t have a name that sounds like a bucket being kicked down a flight of stairs? Anyway, Liu ‘tiny penis’ Lin says the game that has offended him so much presents a China in ruins and negatively portrays its people. “I can’t bear it, especially the vicious vilifying of our people. They must be taught a lesson”, he whined.

The game is set in Shanghai, and depicts the city as a slum with shabby and sordid streets. Chinese people in the game are characterized as cowardly and timid, and a player’s objective is to kill them.

I wish I had invented this game. Educational and morally correct in every way, and entertaining as well – what’s not to like? You can download the demo for free here [www.kaneandlynch.com]. I’m downloading it as I write this, in between throwing pieces of trash at the coolies on the factory floor.

Posted in Media, Newsflash | 9 Comments »

What REALLY Happened…

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, June 5, 2012

A sea of candles lit up Victoria Park last night as a record number of mourners gave public voice to their grief at China’s only large-scale event commemorating those killed in the 1989 Tiananmen Square crackdown.
– South China Morning Post [which is from Hong Kong, not from China].

Posted in Media, Motivational!, Propaganda | 4 Comments »