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Archive for the ‘Fact Friday’ Category

It’s [Fact] Friday!

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, March 20, 2009

Today’s fact is:

Fact! China invented toilet paper.

It’s a well-established fact that toilet paper was invented for the use of the Chinese Imperial Court. The sheets measured two by three feet each, and by the fourteenth century in Zhejiang province alone, production exceeded ten million packages each containing 1,000 to 10,000 sheets. All this goes to show that to be a Chinese Official, you really had to be full of shit. Times, of course, change, and today consumption of toilet paper for the entire nation is less than 100 sheets per year. The officials are still, however, just as full of shit.

China – Leading The Way Since 2991BC

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It’s [Fact] Friday!

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, March 13, 2009

Today’s fact is:

Fact! 97% of Panda’s hate poor people.

It’s a fact, Panda’s are basically just cocksuckers. I hate those bastards, lying around in their black and white fur, trying to act all casual for the tourists, when inside they’re all just laughing at anyone who is poor. The Panda is the animal kingdom’s greatest asshole, and freely discriminates against people with insufficient funds in their pocket. A black eye is nothing compared to what I’d give the greasy fat Xiongmao prick. Never trust a Panda, and if you ever get the chance, kick it in the balls.

China – Leading The Way Since 2991BC

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It’s [Fact] Friday!

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, March 6, 2009

Today’s fact is:

Fact! The compass was invented in China.

Emperor Du Ea’st is credited with inventing the magnetic compass in the fourth century BC. This is an indisputable fact the entire world accepts, although some foreign hostile forces have suggested that the Song Dynasty book dated 1040-44AD describing an iron “south-pointing fish“, or the ‘Dream Pool Essays‘ of 1088AD, or the internationally-recognised ‘Pingzhou Table Talks‘ of 1119AD are a more accurate source of information. These anti-China forces are clearly misguided and do not have a correct understanding of history.

Neither, apparently, do the ancient Olmec peoples of 1400BC, who made the ridiculous claim that a “polished lodestone bar with a groove at one end, that consistently points North” is a compass, when it is a known fact that a polished lodestone bar looks nothing at all like an iron fish.

Or the big-nosed Europeans, who not only claim to have invented the compass quite independently of their Chinese betters, but then go on to lie about being the first to understand the full implications of it’s use. Plus they go on about compasses pointing North, when everybody knows they point South (and maps have East at the top).

The Chinese have always understood the full implications of the compass: To Harmonise The Environment In Accordance With The Geomantic Principles Of Feng Shui And The Teachings Of Mao Zedong Thought, Deng Xiaopeng Theory, Three Represents, And Scientific Development In An All Round Way.

China – Leading The Way Since 2991BC

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It’s [Fact] Friday!

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, February 27, 2009

Today’s fact is:

Fact! Chinese writing was invented in China.

This is actually true, though no one is actually sure why they bothered.

China – Leading The Way Since 2991BC

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It’s [Fact] Friday!

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, February 20, 2009

Today’s fact is:

Fact! Grass was invented in China.

It was during a visit to the outlying regions of the Empire (which historically and since ancient times inseparably included Hawaii, California, and New Zealand), that Emperor Shu-ting Sum-yung-gai noticed that the local food sources (known to the barbarian peoples outside the Empire as ‘horses’) has very little to eat. He therefore set about inventing something that would enable these ‘horses’ to grow fatter and more delicious. After much painstaking research, he came up with what he called G’rass. It wasn’t long before foreign hostile powers stole the concept – though they tried to hide that fact by referring to G’rass as “a monocotyledonous green plant of the family Poaceae“. The Emperor tried to have their unscrupulous claims that G’rass wasn’t Chinese intellectual property thrown out at a WTO hearing, but lost due to a conspiracy against China.

China – Leading The Way Since 2991BC

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It’s [Fact] Friday!

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, February 13, 2009

Today’s fact is:

Fact! Oxygen was invented in China.

Emperor Wang Chung, during the early Lo Mein Period, gave considerable thought to improving the efficiency of another Chinese invention, the internal combustion engine. In a series of experiments carried out with ordinary household ingredients, he demonstrated that refined petroleum products burned far better in the presence of a home-made additive, which he later termed “Ox Yi Yen”. This new additive was produced in vast volumes, and the secret could not long be kept from Italy, France, England, and other foreign hostile forces, who stole it for their own nefarious purposes.

In recent times the Oxygen in Chinese cities has been gradually replaced with more modern and developed additives such as Sulphur Dioxide, Carbon Monoxide, and Nitrogen Dioxide, thus ensuring that China remains at the very forefront of progress and innovation.

China – Leading The Way Since 2991BC

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It’s [Fact] Friday!

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, February 6, 2009

Today’s fact is:

Fact! Glass was invented in China.

During the Ting Dynasty, Emperor Nasi Goreng observed that frozen water made an excellent material for building windows with, although it did suffer from structural issues during the summer. Further observation led him to the conclusion that molten sand could be frozen into a material that was very similar to frozen water, but which was more stable at room temperature. He named this material Gl’arse, and then went on to invent Toilet Paper. Much later, the Syrians, Romans, Egyptians, and other foreign hostile forces illegally stole this idea and claimed it as their own, and someone called ‘Ravenscroft’ even claimed to have put lead into it, but even Chinese schoolchildren know that lead isn’t anything like frozen water.

China – Leading The Way Since 2991BC

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It’s [Fact] Friday!

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, January 30, 2009

Today’s fact is:

Fact! Melamine was invented in China.

Melamine has long been an essential component in traditional Chinese food and medicine. During the Ch’Ching! Period, Emperor Wang Chung discovered that adding a particular combination of chemicals to milk and food not only increased the protein count, but also the State’s profits. He named this combination of healthy and delicious chemicals Melamine in honour of his wife, Mela. In recent times, some foreign hostile forces have discriminated against China by saying that Melamine is less suitable for babies than actual milk, but this is, of course, ridiculous.

China – Leading The Way Since 2991BC

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It’s [Fact] Friday!

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, January 23, 2009

Today’s fact is:

Fact! Reinforced concrete was invented in China.

During the Sweet and Sour Period, Emperor Won Ton discovered that by inserting bamboo sticks into a mud wall, it was possible to dramatically increase the strength and height of the wall. This led to the construction of some truly magnificent mud huts, some as much as eight and a half feet in height! The technology was later stolen by the Romans, Egyptians, Assyrians, and other foreign hostile forces. The British even claimed to have invented something they called ‘hydraulic concrete’, but everyone knows that hydraulics use oil, not concrete.

China – Leading The Way Since 2991BC

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