Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Archive for the ‘Food’ Category

MyLaowai’s Cooking Class

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, April 30, 2007

Today we are going to cook 5000-Years-Old, Famous-In-The-World, Delicious and Traditional Chinese Food. The actual, specific name of the recipe is unimportant, as it’s all the same anyway, but if it makes you feel better, we can call it HuoCai.

HuoCai

Ingredients:
– Everything in the cupboard
– Everything in the wetmarket
– Everything else that comes to hand

Method:
1. From amongst your huge pile of mixed ingredients, carefully select all the items you would normally consider quite edible. Place these items into a separate iron ricebowl. Then throw away the iron ricebowl and everything in it.
2. From the remaining items, put to one side the things that you would normally never eat, but which you would consider eating in a true survival situation. Make sure you get everything. When you have isolated all the items from which the human body could possibly extract any nutritional value, throw them away.
3. Take the remaining ingredients (chicken claws, insects, offal, curdled blood, turtle shells, foetuses, etc) and put them in a huge pot.
4. Add a gallon of polluted river water, HuangPu brand if possible.
5. Heat on whatever flame you like, for as long as you can be bothered for.
6. Serve in a cracked ‘Beggars Bowl’ (for luck) with a pair of chopsticks.

Voila! A meal fit for a King of Namibia! You will soon discover that this is very good for your healthy, and will cure your Chi, revitalise your Wang, and give your VitalKidneyFunction a much-needed boost.

Posted in Food | Tagged: | 1 Comment »

What is Best Food in China?

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, April 30, 2007

KFC. Or McDonalds. Pizza Hut if you can stand the wait. A packet of crisps, if you can get the damned packet open. An old boiled boot would do, too, inna pinch.

That’s about it, really.

Posted in Food | Tagged: | 1 Comment »

The ‘Half-Educated’…

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, April 25, 2007

I had an appointment to meet this guy last night. Young guy, intelligent, well-educated. He was a couple of minutes late, and offered his apologies thus:

Him: “Sorry I’m late, I was eating dinner at an Italian restaurant.”

Me: “Oh yeah? Have you eaten Italian before?”

Him: “No, it was the first time. I don’t like it.”

Me: “Why not?”

Him: “Because I am a Chinese, so we shouldn’t like other countries’ food.”

Me: “I understand. I also don’t like Chinese food because I am not Chinese.”

Him: “But Chinese has many foods and is very good food. We have all good foods.”

And on it goes. The problem, you see, is that these people are Educated With Chinese Characteristics. That’s a fancy way of saying that, starting age two, they are told that they and their ‘culture’ are superior to anything else in the world. Other countries are only more developed because of a conspiracy by every other nation to keep China from assuming it’s rightful place as Hegemon of the World. And they really do believe it, deep down in that tiny black heart of theirs. Some people I know go on about how China is getting better – they are wrong. It is getting worse, fast. The level of extreme nationalism is already high, and there are many days I feel like a Jew in 1936 Germany. There’s trouble coming, and it’s being planned at the highest levels. Getting the ‘People’ fired up, resentful, and hating foreigners is only one part of it.

Just remember: Hitler got his Olympics, too.

Posted in Food, Olympics | Tagged: | 4 Comments »