Breaking Story: Chinese Ministry of Seasons Declares it’s Still Winter

Despite temperatures as high as 76°F (24°C) last week, the Ministry of Seasons has indeed declared that the season continues to be winter. Locals across Shanghai are sighing, as they don their double and triple layers and thick coats & jackets once again for yet another week. Xue Shangdi, Vice Minister cites reliable sources for this decision, but refused to go into details.

Anonymous sources from the MoS, however, cite foreign influence in this decision, naming a relatively unknown entity only known as Philip of Punxsutawney. Philip seems to have ties with an underground movement in Pennsylvania, but up until this revelation, it was unknown what his affiliations were.

“It’s obvious now. Phil is indeed a communist.” says a Punxsutawney native. “He was always such a delightful chap, too.”

This revelation has also caused a stir among overseas Chinese as well. “We love our country! We really do!” says Yang Mei Mei, an overseas student. “But seriously! We’re in Melbourne! It’s like 35° here! Do we really have to wear sweaters?!”

“YES” says the Ministry of Seasons. Citing national patriotism and a need to remain in control, it was suggested that ALL Chinese must continue to stand as one and adopt the “It’s winter! You NEED layers!” policy.

On an unrelated note, the Minstry of Time continues to disavow any knowledge of Time Zones.

– SinoPenn

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Toothpaste for Dinner

Now that the weather is warming up, garbage is beginning to rot once more in alleyways and on footpaths all across the Land, and the streets are again becoming open latrines for the vast, sweating mass of the People. As a result of this, we are about to witness the annual return of one of God’s more abominable creations: the fly. I hate flies, really I do. And mosquitoes, I absolutely detest mosquitoes.

Which is why every year around this time I invest in a new Jamboy.

The Jam Boy was first introduced as early as the 1800s when the British Empire occupied India. When the British gentry went to play golf, they would have two men, the caddy and a Jam Boy.

The Jam Boys sole purpose was to keep the mosquitoes away from the golfer. To do this, the Jam Boy would cover himself in Jam to attract the mosquitoes away from the players. When the game was over the Jam Boy got to keep the jam he was wearing to take home to his family.

The Jamboy is a simple enough concept, and one which has proven to be both cost-effective and highly efficient. I honestly do appreciate my Jamboy more than words can ever express, and I heartily recommend you make yourself one, too.

First up, you will need to find yourself a suitable boy. Not just any boy will do – he needs to be small enough that he doesn’t block your view of the scenery when you are sitting down enjoying a gin and tonic, he needs to be just undernourished enough that he will stand still without fidgeting, and he needs to be able to keep silent so as not to disturb you, your family, or any guests you may be entertaining. One like this should do nicely:

And let us not forget the jam. The secret to a good jam is to find one that is both sticky and sweet. I prefer strawberry jam, which Mrs Laowai makes herself, because the basic ingredients are so easily obtained (remember to use plenty of pectin!):

The next step is to smear the jam over the boy. It is important to remember not to get any in his eyes, or near his mouth where he might be tempted to eat it. I find that the hair is the best place for it, and I always use a generous amount. We wouldn’t want any flies to escape, would we? Here’s the one I made last year:

Finally, please remember the we foreigners are guests in this country, and as such we should show generosity towards our hosts by allowing the Jamboy to keep any jam that is remaining on his head at the end of the day. It’s only fair.

I hope you enjoy a summer that is fly and mosquito free – I know I will.

What’s more fun than a Wet Pussy?
Why, Spanking Da Booty, that’s what.

Last year saw more Wet Pussy Awards given for services to the Chinese Communist Party than any previous year, and quite frankly every recipient was a deserving winner. But what about those amongst us who have done good? There have been a great many diligent and enlightened citizens of the world who have done a great many good deeds in the service of humanity, and I for one feel that their efforts should not go unrecorded.

Starting with the fine and upstanding young man who lobbed a loafer at Premier Wen Jiabao. I liked that a lot.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not in favour of chopine-chucking in general. Hell, getting into wingtip warfare with China could turn out to be a horrible mistake – not only are most of the world’s shoes made in the Chinese Worker’s Paradise, they are also cheaper and, when worn by Chinese peasants, far stinkier than anything that we in the hygienic West can produce. So, no, I’m not advocating an unrestrained brogue-lobbing frenzy at all.

Nor am I rejoicing that the man known throughout Red China as ‘Grandpa’ Wen (but throughout the rest of the world as a monster) found himself shod by a student. Not that he didn’t deserve far worse – one doesn’t get to be the Premier of a major Communist nation without knowing where a hell of a lot of the bodies are buried. A firing squad I would have cheered at, but a shoe? It seems so inadequate, somehow.

What I am celebrating, though, is what that shoe meant. It was a symbolic slap in the face to the entire Chinese Communist Party, those butchering bastards who have for so long terrorised over two billion people at home and abroad, invaded numerous other countries, and murdered well over a hundred million civilians. It was the first time any of them have ever been publicly called to account, and it was done beautifully.

It was also an ironic reply to the laughter that came from China when the President of the United States of America had an item of footwear thrown at him last year, and I’ve always been a lover of irony.

So, to Martin Jahnke, the brave student who stood up and was counted Hero amongst Heroes, I salute you.

And to Wen Jiabao (and by extension the Chinese Communist Party), I say:

You’ve Had Your Booty Spanked.

A reader writes:

Dear MyLaowai, I Am Dating A Foreigner Guy Who Is Married With A Kid. We Have Been Together Since 8 Of Jan But He Does Not Leave His Wife And Family. How Can I Make Him Divorce Her And Marry Me?

– Wang XiaoJie

MyLaowai responds:

Dear Wang XiaoJie,

To be perfectly honest, I don’t think you have thought this one through. Before you start worrying about how to make him leave his wife and family, there are a number of vitally important questions that you must have answers to. They include such things as:
– How rich is he? Does he have secret bank accounts or property that his wife can’t steal from you?
– What is his nationality? Is his passport one that will help you, or is he from a poor country?
– Will you have to look after his child? It’s no good if you are forced into responsibilities.
– What can this foreigner man do for you? What is your profit in all this?

While you are at it, make sure that you know who this foreigner man really is. You will never be happy with him unless you know what is in his heart, and so you must secretly read his email, text messages, and other correspondence. And what about your family? Can he be forced to accept that your family is more important than he or his family? Will it be possible to make him accept that Chinese Culture is superior to his own?

Finally, a word of warning: Some foreigner men don’t love China, even though they may claim otherwise. How sure are you that this foreigner man will love ‘Grandpa’ Wen and ‘Brother’ Hu Jintao, or that he will accept the truth that most of the world has always been a part of China since ancient times?

Wang XiaoJie, you must also look hard at yourself – you are obviously devious, deceitful, cold hearted, ruthless and mercenary, but even so you must have some faults. No one is perfect, and so you must discover what your faults are, and do everything in your power to hide them at all costs.

I hope that this helps. Good hunting!

I’ve written before about the Chinese sense of humour, and you may have formed the impression that in fact the Chinese have no sense of humour at all. Not so. They do have a sense of humour, it’s just that their ‘jokes’ aren’t very funny – finding it amusing when bad things happen to other people is a typical example. Yet their sense of humour invariably fails when those same bad things happen to them.

Example: for decades it’s been a good joke for China to boycott the Olympic Games every four years, yet when there was talk by other people of doing precisely that last year, there was an overwhelming outpouring of nationalist vitriol.

Example: when an earthquake in the Indian Ocean caused a tsunami that killed nearly a quarter of a million people on December 26, 2004, people in China were laughing in the streets about it (“oh how they deserve it hahahaha“), yet when an earthquake last year caused a few of their own buildings to fall down, they immediately started criticising other nations for not doing enough to help.

Example: most Chinese found it hilarious when the President of the United States of America had a shoe thrown at him by a television reporter last year, yet the reaction to their own ‘Butcher Wen’ having a shoe lobbed at him recently has been one of national uproar.

So when, earlier this week, I detected an increased level of hostility towards foreigners in the streets of the land, I naturally put it down to the fact that the shoe, as it were, was simply on the other foot again. I actually conducted a survey to confirm my suspicions, and it went like this: I will walk in the street for fifteen minutes, and count the number of disparaging remarks about foreigners that are made in my presence. The result? 212 offensive xenophobic comments.

But then it occurred to me that perhaps I wasn’t being fair. Quite possibly there was another, non-humour related explanation… And, as it turned out, there was:

It’s Spring.

Yes folks, that’s right. Spring is upon us, and the People of China are once again finding that their sap is rising, so to speak. It’s only natural, therefore, for them to exhibit a certain exuberance in their dealings with the barbarian outsiders who have dared to tread upon the hallowed soil of ZhongGuo. Spring has come, and with it all manner of changes are in evidence right across the length and breadth of this magnificent country. Oh Spring, harbinger of new life, the People salute you!

Top Ten Signs That Spring Has Sprung:

1. The small, grey, cancerous-looking growths on the branches of the trees are in fact buds, from which will soon burst forth beautiful grey leaves. The wondrous cycle of Nature has begun anew.

2. Puppies and other cute baby animals are now being sold out of cardboard boxes on footpaths everywhere. That’s right: cat is off the menu, but look what’s on again!

3. People have begun dusting off their Jiang Zemin suits and Mao Zedong jackets, in preparation for the coming summer. Clotheslines everywhere are straining under the weight of them all.

4. The number of knee-length boots in evidence has begun to fall. On the other hand, sales of Kleenex and Wonderbra (the breast enlargement technologies of choice amongst the urban chic) have begun to increase again.

5. Housewives are now giving their homes a spring cleaning. This is done by boiling vinegar in every room for several hours, and leaves every home smelling wonderfully refreshing. And don’t worry if you haven’t any vinegar – the aroma penetrates even concrete walls, so that you too can share in your neighbour’s cleanliness.

6. The annual transition from pickled rotting cabbage to boiled rotting cabbage with pickles has begun.

7. Now that the weather is warmer and there is less need for antifreeze, taxi drivers, bus drivers, and in fact all public transportation workers everywhere are waiting until after breakfast to get drunk on Baijiu.

8. With some forty percent of the population having lost their money gambling over Chinese New Year, the usual number of beggars, police officers, and other members of the thieving classes are back to work with a vengeance (the remaining sixty percent never stopped thieving in the first place).

9. With the warmer temperatures comes a need to close windows and prevent air from circulating.

10. The higher temperatures also bring with them that familiar aroma of rotting faecal matter in the streets, all but forgotten since the beginning of Winter. As an added bonus, it’s now warm enough for people to move their toilet activities outdoors.

Spring! When Indoor Activities Move Outdoors!