Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

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Archive for March, 2009

It’s [Adjective] Monday!

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, March 16, 2009

Today’s adjective is:

yellow

Definition:
1. designating or pertaining to an Oriental person or Oriental peoples.
2. cowardly.
3. pornographic esp. media.

Pronunciation: yel.low

Origin: bef. 900; 1895–1900 for def. 9; ME yelou (adj. and n.), OE geolo, geolu (adj.); c. D geel, G gelb, L helvus pale-yellow; akin to ON gulr

Example: That yellow character turned yellow and ran when he was caught with the yellow DVD on his person.

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Just Another Train Journey

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, March 14, 2009

Hey there peasant wench. How’s it going? I’m not sure whether or not you are aware of this fact, but you’re in what is laughingly referred to as the ‘First Class Carriage’ on this train. It’s for people who have paid a premium in order to avoid being reminded of the fact that they are in China, although obviously it’s quite impossible to escape that harsh reality at any price.

I’m also not sure whether or not you know this, but by the age of five, most little boys are quite capable of using a toilet unassisted. In any other country, that is, but apparently not here. Certainly your son doesn’t need you to hold his legs apart in mid-air so that he can piss all over the aisle. Jesus Christ, wench! Put the kid down! Just. Put. The. Kid. Down.

What the fuck are you doing now? It’s bad enough that you are training your son to piss all over the aisle, but now you’ve just hitched up your own tresses and squatted down in the aisle, too. In the fucking aisle? What’s wrong with you? And what’s that rotten fish smell? Oh God, you people make me sick.

It isn’t like you even had to wait for much longer – I mean, there’s an unoccupied toilet not ten feet away! What the hell is wrong with you, peasant wench?

Right, this really is too much. I’m going to give you a disgusted look… No, as I feared, you have no sense of shame at all. Plenty of face, I’m sure, but a complete absence of shame. Right then, hear this: “That is uncivilised behaviour, and not harmonious”. No, don’t ignore me. I mean it.

Nothing huh? Well, you asked for it: “You are a disgusting animal”. It’s no good turning your head away and pretending you are somewhere else, because you’re not. You are right in front of me, squatting in the aisle of the First Class Carriage, pissing in a puddle. I hate you, I really do.

Oh, you’ve finished now? Good. Maybe the poor conductor will mop up your puddle of piss from the aisle. Wait a second… What’s this? It’s no good, you know. Holding a hand in front of your face while you hold a conversation about me isn’t much use when your whispers measure 67 decibels. What’s that you say? All foreigners are rude? I beg your par – I beg your fucking pardon?!

Wait one. Let me get my phone. Shhh… I’m trying to arrange for this train to be diverted to the nearest disinfecting siding. There’s vermin on this here train, and only the cleansing power of Lysol® [note edit, who says I’m not harmonious?] will do.

No, I’m afraid that no one will miss you if I kick you out the door at speed. Your entire extended family, who are apparently sat here with you, won’t miss you. Particularly since I mean to chuck them out, too. Your friends won’t miss you either, not in a society in which your best friend is the one most likely to inform on you to the Party. And sure as eggs, you won’t be missed by me.

It isn’t like you’ll even be a loss to the species in the event you don’t survive the fall. I seriously doubt that anyone in the entire history of your province has ever made a worthwhile contribution to the human race. You’re all just a waste of oxygen that could be put to better use by higher lifeforms, like pigs. That’s not just my opinion either – the Law of Averages is quite clear on the subject.

I wish, I really do honestly wish, that every pink-spectacled do-gooder in the West could be here now. I wouldn’t give your culture ten minutes if the people whose fingers are on big red buttons knew what you were really like. Personally, I’d turn the place over to people who are more civilised, more cultured, and who understand the meaning of ‘personal hygiene’. The Japanese, for instance.

That’s it, enough is enough. I can’t stand the sight, smell, or sound of you any longer. I’m getting Mister iPod out and going to sleep. Please try not to rob me (again).

And the next time I hear some hollow-chested nationalist fucktard bleating on about how the West never looks at the good things about China… I’m giving the blighter a warning shot between the eyes.

Posted in China | 5 Comments »

It’s [Fact] Friday!

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, March 13, 2009

Today’s fact is:

Fact! 97% of Panda’s hate poor people.

It’s a fact, Panda’s are basically just cocksuckers. I hate those bastards, lying around in their black and white fur, trying to act all casual for the tourists, when inside they’re all just laughing at anyone who is poor. The Panda is the animal kingdom’s greatest asshole, and freely discriminates against people with insufficient funds in their pocket. A black eye is nothing compared to what I’d give the greasy fat Xiongmao prick. Never trust a Panda, and if you ever get the chance, kick it in the balls.

China – Leading The Way Since 2991BC

Posted in Fact Friday | 12 Comments »

A Barbie World?

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, March 11, 2009

There’s a lot to celebrate this year, isn’t there? China is celebrating the 60th anniversary of the founding of the People’s Republic of Communists, Tibet is celebrating the liberation and subsequent deaths of a million monks, and Barbie is celebrating her 50th birthday.

Ain’t that something? Barbie, that delightfully pink plaything of little girls everywhere, turning 50! Wow!

But Barbie isn’t the only plaything to be having a birthday this year, nor is she the only doll with a claim to fame. What many people in the decadent West don’t realise is that Barbie herself was a copy of another doll, Bild Lili, a prostitute doll from Germany, who was in turn a copy of the original slut doll for little girls, known as Shanghai XiaoJie. And XiaoJie is celebrating her 5,000th birthday this year!

Shanghai XiaoJie

XiaoJie’s creator, Wang XiaoJie, watched her seven year old daughter playing with paper dolls, and noticed that she frequently gave them adult roles such as courtesans and whores, and often bound their paper feet to stop them running away. Realising there was a gap in the market, Wang XiaoJie sold her daughter to the local knocking shop and with the proceeds created the original Shanghai XiaoJie doll.

XiaoJie was from the very beginning based closely on the typical Shanghainese girl, vaguely female-shaped with small, underdeveloped plastic tits and an ass like a young boy. She had no heart at all, was very expensive to purchase, and even more expensive to maintain. As with Barbie, she was entirely artificial and had exactly the same scintillating personality and piercing intellect.

XiaoJie has had her appearance altered over the years to keep her in line with current fashions, most notably in 1958 when she was remodelled to have her ribs showing through her skin (‘Great Leap Forward XiaoJie‘), and again in 1965 when her hair was cut short and she was shown murdering all the other dolls (‘Cultural Revolution XiaoJie‘). Yet despite this, Shanghai XiaoJie has always been a plaything of the proletariat, and in this she has remained true to the original vision of her designer.

XiaoJie has not been without controversy, as these examples illustrate:

* In September 2003 Saudi Arabia outlawed the sale of XiaoJie dolls, saying that she did not conform to the ideals of Islam. The Committee for the Propagation of Virtue and Prevention of Vice stated “Shanghai XiaoJie dolls, with their revealing clothes and shameful postures, accessories and tools are a symbol of the decadence of the perverted East. Let us beware of her dangers and be careful.”

* The word XiaoJie has come to be used as a derogatory slang term for a girl or woman who is considered a slut, most notably in the 1997 pop song ‘XiaoJie Girl‘.

* In July 1992 the manufacturer released Teen Talk XiaoJie, which spoke a number of phrases including “Will I ever have enough clothes?“, “I love shopping!“, “Wanna have a noodle party?“, and “Math class is tough!“. Each doll was programmed to say just four out of 270 possible phrases, as that was considered to be the mental capacity for most Shanghai girls. In October 1992, following a number of complaints from the Mayor of Shanghai, the manufacturer announced that Teen Talk XiaoJie would no longer speak, as speaking in public was not a traditional virtue for a Chinese girl, and offered a swap to anyone who owned a XiaoJie doll that did.

* May 1997 saw the introduction of ‘Share a Snarl XiaoJie‘, a doll in a pink wheelchair. Li Xianshang, a 17-year-old high school student with cerebral palsy, pointed out that the wheelchair would not fit through the door of XiaoJie’s Dream House. The manufacturer announced that it would redesign the house in the future to accommodate the disabled doll out back in the dog kennel.

* In March 2000 stories appeared in the foreign media claiming that the materials used in XiaoJie dolls could leak toxic chemicals, causing danger to children playing with them. The claim was rejected as false by technical experts.

Yet despite all this Shanghai XiaoJie continues to go from strength to strength, and has spawned a range of other dolls who compete to be her number one boyfriend, buying her expensive fish-head dinners and mobile phones for the right to pretend she loves them.

Here are just a few of the many XiaoJie dolls that have been released over the years:

Serve The Party XiaoJie SARS Nurse XiaoJie Rice Paddy XiaoJie Mother-In-Law XiaoJie
Maid XiaoJie Liberated Tibetan XiaoJie KTV Whore XiaoJie Green Card XiaoJie
Flower Seller XiaoJie Disco Slut XiaoJie Buy Drink Prease? XiaoJie Barbershop XiaoJie

Shanghai XiaoJie – The World’s Most Loved Plaything!

Posted in Festivals et al | 16 Comments »

Where Babies Go…

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Now, Xiu, you’re getting to be a really big boy, and I know you’ve been asking a lot of questions about Mommy and why she’s been so sad lately. Well, your mom and I have been talking and we think you’re finally old enough to learn where babies – where babies go.

No, the stork doesn’t take them away, Xiu. Please, son, just listen to Daddy, okay?

Do you remember when Mommy had a big tummy? Yes, you put your ear next to it, that’s right. Now, do you also remember around that time, when that letter came in the mail? The one Daddy ripped up and threw all over the ground? And Xiu, a few months after that, do you remember that man – that tall man in the shiny coat? He came to our door and there was all that screaming?

No, he’s not where the babies go, either. Not exactly. Please Xiu, just wait a second… It’s a little more complicated than that.

You see, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much, but they’re being pressured by the People’s Republic of China and they have nowhere else to turn, sometimes they will walk miles away to a place where nobody knows who they are, and they’ll – wait, no. Hold on. Let’s start over. Can Daddy just think for a moment here?

Play with your toys for a bit. Why don’t you take out Mr. Bear and Mrs. Giraffe and play with them for a little while? It’s all right, Daddy’s okay. He just needs to go splash some cold water on his face.

Okay, this might make more sense. You know how sometimes I complain about there being too many toys in your room, and how I say that they’re making a mess, and in order to not make such a mess, you might need to throw some of your toys out? Well, China is kind of like that, too. What’s that? You’re right, I’ve never told you to throw any of your toys away. Because that would be very mean – yes – you’re right. Xiu, my son, please don’t cry. None of your toys will have to be thrown out.

Nobody should have to get rid of anything they love.

Maybe Daddy can borrow some of your markers and paper. That might make things easier to explain. First, let’s draw your mother. And inside your mother’s tummy is a tiny little baby. Look how cute she is! Let’s call her Eu-meh, okay? That was your great-great-grandmother’s name. Well, inside Mommy there is also something else. There’s also this black thing here. That’s called “fear.” And every time Mommy gets a phone call from the census bureau, or a threatening telegram from the National Population and Family Planning Commission, that black thing keeps growing inside of Mommy. Growing and growing until it’s bigger than even little Eu-meh.

No, no, Xiu, Mommy’s not going to give birth to the black thing. It was just an example. No, the black thing can’t be your little sister. Look, it doesn’t work that way. Just forget that I mentioned the black thing at all.

Here, this I think you’ll understand. Remember Uncle Jm Leor? He was really smart, and used to teach school at the university, and helped to organize big parades against the government? Remember how after one of his parades we told you that Uncle Jm Leor had to move far, far away? Well, that’s where babies go. They have to move far, far way.

I guess in a kind of hotel, yes. It’s not the kind of hotel you can visit, Xiu. Because it’s already full. It’s all full of babies. Listen, I don’t know who takes care of them. That’s not the point of what I’m trying to…

How can I – you’re so young and so… You know what? It’s the stork. The babies go with the stork, Xiu. Giant storks come and take the babies away and that’s where they go. Make sense? Good.

The Onion

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It’s [Adjective] Monday!

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, March 9, 2009

Today’s adjective is:

exhilarating

Definition:
1. making lively and cheerful; “the exhilarating effect of mountain air”
2. making lively and joyful

Pronunciation: ex·hil·a·rat·ing

Origin: 1530–40; < L exhilarātus ptp. of exhilarāre to gladden, equiv. to ex- ex- 1 + hilarāre to cheer

Example: I attended an auction the other day – it was really exhilarating!

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Falling Cow Auction – Update

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, March 7, 2009

No Dogs Or Chinese

Posted in Falling Cow Zone | 1 Comment »

I Are Not The Stupid

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, March 6, 2009

Stoopid is as stoopid does
– Forrest Gump

Some things in this world are stupid. But there’s another whole realm of mindlessness on the far side of stupidity, and it’s called Retardland. Some people live there their whole lives. Examples are legion:

– Deciding the winner of an argument on the basis of who shakes their index finger the hardest and shouts the loudest is bloody stupid. Making that the basis of your entire legal system is nothing short of retarded.

– Stealing a successful and productive business from someone by illegal and immoral means for no other reason than that they are of a different ethnicity to you is stupid in the extreme. Blaming that person when you manage to single-handedly bankrupt the entire operation within months is retarded. Mister Mugabe, this includes you. Mao Zedong, you too.

– Walking erratically and aimlessly across a busy road in the absence of lights or a pedestrian crossing is incredibly stupid. When the traffic is coming from the left and you are looking steadfastly to the right, that makes you a retard.

The character of Mister Bean is a stupid character. But if he were not a fictional character and were, say, an actual person, then he’d be a retard. The Three Stooges played characters who were stupid, too. If those characters stepped out of the silver screen and became real people, they’d be retards. And there is one place in the world where that has apparently happened. I think you know where I am talking about.

Sometimes being a retard has unexpected consequences, as illustrated below:

– When the woman who does the cleaning has been told every day for a month not to touch [someone’s] desk or anything on it, and she persists in moving [someone’s] things around anyway, she is clearly a retard. And now she is a retard who is looking for another job, and who is, furthermore, nursing a clipped ear.

– When the bus pulls into the terminus, and you are one of the eleven other people who is fighting tooth and claw for the empty thirty seats, that’s retarded. If you happened to be one of those persons and you felt a sharp blow to the right kidney around two thirty this afternoon, then you’ll no doubt be grateful of having a place to sit

– If you’ve tried to sell [someone] a stolen laptop, then you’re an optimistic idiot. If you tried it again an hour later, you’re awfully stupid. If you tried it forty seven minutes after that, then you’re a retard. And if [someone’s] knee happened to nudge you firmly in the wedding vegetables, then you are a retard who will never have to worry about accidentally impregnating a female. Which is probably a good thing for the species as a whole.

– Picture a narrow lane with a high concrete wall either side. There’s just about enough room to get a car down it, but no chance at all of opening your door once you do. Fortunately this lane is clearly marked as being ‘One Way‘. Driving down it the wrong way would be stupid, but insisting on driving down it against the wishes of your passenger when you can see another vehicle coming down towards you is retarded. And if you are that taxi driver, now you have a broken window where your passenger smashed it to climb out. A pity you couldn’t open your door to give chase, but that’s called ‘consequences’.

So by all means, be retarded. But do also be aware that things might not always turn out for the best. Still, as no doubt you know:

Confucius say: “Two thousand, three hundred years of a culling program designed to kill off anyone with brains or balls, combined with a strong belief that incest is a game for the whole family and a culture that rewards failure with promotion and success with punishment, cannot help but produce lucky descendants.

Posted in China | 2 Comments »

It’s [Fact] Friday!

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, March 6, 2009

Today’s fact is:

Fact! The compass was invented in China.

Emperor Du Ea’st is credited with inventing the magnetic compass in the fourth century BC. This is an indisputable fact the entire world accepts, although some foreign hostile forces have suggested that the Song Dynasty book dated 1040-44AD describing an iron “south-pointing fish“, or the ‘Dream Pool Essays‘ of 1088AD, or the internationally-recognised ‘Pingzhou Table Talks‘ of 1119AD are a more accurate source of information. These anti-China forces are clearly misguided and do not have a correct understanding of history.

Neither, apparently, do the ancient Olmec peoples of 1400BC, who made the ridiculous claim that a “polished lodestone bar with a groove at one end, that consistently points North” is a compass, when it is a known fact that a polished lodestone bar looks nothing at all like an iron fish.

Or the big-nosed Europeans, who not only claim to have invented the compass quite independently of their Chinese betters, but then go on to lie about being the first to understand the full implications of it’s use. Plus they go on about compasses pointing North, when everybody knows they point South (and maps have East at the top).

The Chinese have always understood the full implications of the compass: To Harmonise The Environment In Accordance With The Geomantic Principles Of Feng Shui And The Teachings Of Mao Zedong Thought, Deng Xiaopeng Theory, Three Represents, And Scientific Development In An All Round Way.

China – Leading The Way Since 2991BC

Posted in Fact Friday | 6 Comments »

TalkTalkChina – The Return

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, March 5, 2009

TalkTalkChina is back. Thank the Lords of Kobol.

Posted in China | Leave a Comment »