Damn the man! I’ve no sooner finished writing a post on dairy products, when I notice that ImageThief has gone and done it better.

I’d suggest that you go here and read it instead. Bah! Humbug!

And as if that wasn’t bad enough, my second attempt ended up looking something like this (which I didn’t write at all):

This is yet another gross insult against China made by the international anti-China forces. They have health problems with food in other countries as well, so why can’t China also have them? Why are they only condemning China?

Will non-poisoned baby formula solve the health problem for babies? Adults who don’t drink milk powder also have kidney stones. Therefore, the western system of non-poisoned baby formula will not solve the problem of kidney stones.

Don’t forget that the baby formula industry has been in development overseas for almost a century whereas it has only been several decades for China. The baby formula industry in China has progressed continuously during this time. China cannot be expected to arrive at perfection immediately. Gradual steps are taken to reach the non-poisoned condition, as appropriate to the existing conditions in China.

Boycotting or opposing Sanlu can only make the Sanlu problem more complicated. We should use a dialogue approach where we keep communicating slowly even as we sip more Sanlu baby formula. Baby formula can develop only in a stable environment. If Sanlu collapses, the entire Chinese baby formula industry will be thrown into chaos and the western baby formula companies will take over China.

The history of baby formula in other nations showed that they all went through a gradual purification process to transition from a number of complicated impure baby formula to a perfect unpoisoned one. The idea that the Chinese people should be able to have healthy and unpoisoned baby formula instantaneously from the start is actually a huge western conspiracy to destroy the Chinese baby formula industry. The Chinese baby formula industry is still young and fragile. It will take some time for Chinese baby formula not to be poisoned. If the western standards are adopted, it will take more than a year just to recall the 7,000 tons of poisoned baby power. How can the Chinese baby formula industry progress under those circumstances?

The western baby formula companies grew to be very big before they began to recall bad products. Do you think that Sanlu does not want the Chinese people to have good baby formula? Their problem is that this is not yet feasible at this time. The Chinese people should keep the big picture in mind. They should drink poisoned baby formula for a few decades and sacrifice one or two generations of people until Sanlu grows big enough to challenge the western companies. Then Sanlu can gradually produce unpoisoned baby formula for infants, assuming there are any infants still alive.

The situation in the east is different from the west, and the quality of the peoples are different. China absolutely cannot unconditionally take to drinking the western-style unpoisoned baby formula. The western world is less populous, and they have enough baby formula to consume without adding poison. China has such a huge population that all the milk in all the cows in the world would not be enough to feed them with fully westernized pure baby formula. Therefore poison had to be added.

Although the Sanlu baby formula is poisoned, it was able to keep the hundreds of millions of Chinese infants from going hungry. Who else has accomplished so much in the history of mankind?

When the anti-China hostile forces boycott China’s Sanlu baby formula, the ultimate victims are the Chinese infants. We call for all Chinese patriots to unite and express our solidarity by drinking Sanlu baby formula in abundance.

If you are a Chinese person, you must support this declaration!

Damn and Blast! Pipped at the post. I’m off to get a Captain Morgan and Coke.

You may have noticed that for the last week there’s been this sign up saying:

The authors have deleted this blog. The content is no longer available.

Not my fault, but please accept my apologies regardless. Fraud and identity theft played their part in all this, and it will take some time to get it all back to normal, but for now I’m back at:

MyLaowai.wordpress.com

Thank you for your understanding.

That’s right, Lords and Ladies, MyLaowai is now at the sparkling, shiny, brand-spanking-new:

http://www.MyLaowai.com

Be there, or be a regular polygon with four equal sides, with the coordinates for the vertices centered at the origin and with side length 2 are (±1, ±1), while the interior of the same consists of all points (x0, x1) with −1 < xi < 1.

Er, that’s just in case I wasn’t perfectly clear in any way whatsoever…

Note for poor bastards readers in China: There’s still no guarantee that you’ll be able to read this easily. Sorry, that’s a slightly thornier issue, and one which I’m looking at now. In the meantime, try this:

1. Use a text editor like notepad, and copy/paste this:

function FindProxyForURL(url,host){
    if(dnsDomainIs(host, "mylaowai.com")){
        return "PROXY 72.14.219.190:80";
    }
    if(dnsDomainIs(host, ".wordpress.com")){
        return "PROXY 72.232.101.41:80";
    }
    return "DIRECT";
}

Save this file as proxy.pac in your root directory (probably C:\ unless Windows is not on C:\ ). Make sure that the file is named correctly – it should not be saved as a .txt file.

2. In Firefox, go to Tools – Options – Advanced – Network – Settings. Select the option that says Advanced Proxy Configuration URL and enter file:///C:/proxy.pac in the field. Save the settings and restart Firefox.

For IE, try this: go to Tools – Internet Options – Connections – LAN Settings. Check Use Automatic Configuration Script, and enter file://c:/proxy.pac in the field. Save settings and restart IE.

This will not allow you to log in as a user, but it will allow you to view and comment on MyLaowai.com and other example.wordpress.com blogs.

If this doesn’t work, check that the file proxy.pac is really not a .txt by doing this:

Open My Computer
Tools – Folder Options – View
Uncheck Hide Extensions For Known File Types
Apply – OK
Go to C:\
Look at proxy.pac – is it still proxy.pac, or is it proxy.pac.txt? It must be proxy.pac – if not, rename it.

I hope this helps. I use a whole range of tricks some days, but this one is the simplest and fastest if you are not logging in. Note that proxy.pac is very easy to edit to allow for additional domains – simply copy/paste a section, change the domain, and save. Many thanks to LostLaowai for the idea.

It’s almost over and the end can’t come fast enough. It will be over by the time this has been read and as I type, the USA are just keeping ahead of the Spanish in the final of the men’s Basketball. Notch up on more gold to the USA? Probably, but only just.

The gold medal standings at this time are China 50 and the USA 35. Of the 50 that have been won by China, 25 were won by women and 25 by men. Now that’s what I call equality. Of the 35 gold that the USA won, 14 were won by women and 21 by men, with the men about to add another gold in the basketball. Hmmm – if I had a point to make on that subject, I might, but I won’t!!

I watched bits of the men’s and women’s marathons – both were as boring as every other marathon. When the medal ceremonies were being held and the national anthems played, it was touching to see the athletes clasping their chests – but strangely it was not with both hands as we had been expecting. The air in Beijing was de-polluted as promised. As the countdown to the end of the Olympics approaches, we can hear the car engines warming up and preparing to hit the streets in force. The factory managers are standing by the power gear, waiting to crank those factories back into life as soon as the visitors are gone – and along with the visitors goes the façade that has been China for the last few weeks and very soon we will be back to a welcome normality. Gone will be the demonstration sports of organised flag waving, bussed in crowds and face painting and what we will be left with is an Olympic Hangover and Nationalistic withdrawal symptoms. Where will all that pumped up adrenaline go next?

I miss the Olympics already, like a hole in the proverbial head.– it’s been a welcome distraction for an entire population. However, now we have to get on with life without heroes. How will we survive (?).

London Calling, London Calling. (Only) 4 more years!

PS – To all the Aussies out there. HA fkn HA. We beat you, get over it darlings.

BEIJING—Chinese Olympic officials say they are no closer to catching the swashbuckling, green-uniformed archery competitor who has disrupted every single medal ceremony of the Games by bursting in, stealing the gold medal or medals in the name of the poor in an archery-related fashion, striking a triumphant pose, and then disappearing without a trace.

“Good people of the world, take heart!” the mysterious figure said in his most recent appearance, when he burst into the medal ceremony for the Men’s 200 Metre Freestyle. “Truly, these are good men, doughty and true; and their swimming has won the day. First place in the very world may they rightly claim, but in the name of the poor, the sickly, the lonely old, and the weak without voice, I hereby claim this gold that with it I may do greater good!”

The archer then shot a goose-feathered arrow through the ribbons holding the gold medals around the necks of the U.S. team, causing their medals to fall to the ground. The archer himself proceeded to leap from the rafters, alight on the podium’s top step, collect his prize, and disappear through a nearby window.

Since entering China last month by using a forged Sherwood Forest passport under the name Robert Huntingdon, the archer has appeared at more than 70 medal ceremonies, escaping with the gold every time. In almost every case, archery-related schemes were used to secure the medals, although some were more difficult for him to obtain than others.

An epic four-way fencing match broke out during the Women’s Sabre medal ceremony, with the archer taking on the three American women in a clash of blades that spilled out onto the balcony and across the Beijing rooftops. Germany’s Ole Bischoff, winner in the Men’s 81kg judo event, threw the archer through a nearby table and down a flight of stairs before his feet were nailed to the ground by arrows. And the Chinese women’s gymnastics team was almost impossible for the archer to catch.

The athletes themselves are divided in their opinion of the bow-weilding outlaw. Although many regard him as annoyance at best, and still others as a dangerous menace, a considerable faction has voiced sympathy for his cause.

“Put it this way—that guy has some stuff of mine, but he’s welcome to it,” said U.S. swimmer Michael Phelps. “I mean, I’m not political, really, but I’ve had a lucky life. If my gold medals can help someone get a hot meal and a place to sleep for a few nights, that’s okay. It doesn’t mean I didn’t win.”

Phelps confessed his admiration that, although the archer had burst into the ceremony for the men’s 400 Meter Relay, the team had been allowed to keep a single medal, as the archer praised the “epic performance by four doughty good men and true, who soundly defeated the Norman French, uplifted the hearts of all who saw, and enriched the very World thereby.”

Chinese officials have been less charitable. “His disregard for our culture, our laws, and these Games will not go unpunished,” a statement from the Chinese Olympic Committee read in part. “We demand he turn himself in, return the medals to the rightful winners, and face his punishment for these thefts, as well as for his repeated demands that we free Tibet and his continued poaching of deer in Yu Nan province.”

Law enforcement officials, acting in liaison with the Nottingham Sheriff’s Department, have also concocted a scheme to capture the elusive archer by staging an archery contest with an especially large and valuable gold medal as the prize, an event already under way. The contest is currently in the semifinal rounds and is being led by Britain’s Rob Enhood, a mysterious eyepatched figure with a penchant for archery so accurate that he routinely splits the arrows of his competitors.

– Reporting by The Onion

Deadly Virus Sweeping China Is Just Olympic Fever

The Chinese government explained that the fatal disease is caused by the excitement of the Olympics, not infected birds, as was previously reported.

…and now this extract from the Olympic Website Since Ancient Times:

Olympic FAQ for Foreign Friends

1. I’ve been hearing a lot about these pollution levels, but there are so many different ways the experts use to describe it all, and so much fancy jargon, that I’m a bit confused. Can you please tell me what is the standard that Beijing must meet to determine whether it is a “blue sky day”?

Certainly. It is a “Blue Sky Day” if the sky is Pantone 444M or better.

2. Is there an official Olympic song?

Indeed yes! There is an official song, and it will be sung at every event before athletic activities commence, before and after every medal presentation, in the taxi on your way home to your hotel, during the night in your hotel room, from loudspeakers along every street, and from the micro-radio that will be implanted in your teeth at the airport during customs inspection. It’s a lovely little ditty, too. Here it is:

Ni ke Cen Jian Guo Yi Wei Xiao Jie?
Yi Wei Xiao Jie.
Yi Wei Xiao Jie?
Ni ke Cen Jian Guo Yi Wei Xiao Jie?
Wang Zhe Bian Zou he Na Bian Zou?
Wang Zhe Bian Zou he Na Bian Zou
Na bian Zou he Zhe Bian Zou
Ni ke Cen Jian Guo Yi Wei Xiao Jie?
Wang Zhe Bian Zou he Na Bian Zou?

3. What’s the deal with the mascots? Why so many, and what are they called anyway?

Actually, there is some confusion regarding both the name and number of Olympic mascots at the 2008 Genocide Olympic Games. Originally, there were five mascots, however one defected from the team. Sadly, therefore, Yingsel will not be present. As for their names, the mascots have been variously referred to as Funtwo, Fuzbol, and even Futzpah. Most foreign media have now settled on the term Fuwa, which is unfortunate, as the term has the same sound in Chinese as scrotum.

4. What’s the best way to support the athletes from my own country, without hurting the feelings of all the Chinese People?

You must take extreme care at all times to avoid hurting the feelings of all the Chinese People. This includes such things are not arguing over prices (which suggests that you think the honest merchant you are dealing with might not be 100% honest), not pushing in front of Chinese People in queues, or bringing up the subject of your incorrect understanding of history. In an effort to help you out, the Chinese Communist Party has hired people to cheer for your athletes on your behalf, in order that you will not run the risk of hurting anyone’s feelings. These ‘Cheerers’ are expected to be so diligent, that you in fact will not be required to attend any of the actual events in person, which is why your Visa application has been denied.

5. Will the foreign media be allowed to cover my favourite events?

Of course they will. You will be able to freely watch Ping Pong, Badminton, and Air-Pellet Shooting, as well as any other event in which China wins a medal. In case you miss it the first time, regular repeats will be scheduled.

6. What is the IOC doing to stop drug cheats?

The IOC has full confidence in the Chinese Communist Party’s ability to closely monitor any relevant situation, according to certain relevant Laws. The Chinese Team has already said that they are clean, and so obviously the job of catching cheats will now be confined to catching the foreign cheats who manage to win any medals. Some foreigner cheats have already been caught, when the company in Guangdong that produces their food confirmed that it was laced with anabolic steroids.

7. Where can I buy tickets?

You can purchase tickets from scalpers outside any Olympic Venue. The tickets will not help you to actually get in, but then as a laowai that should hardly come as a surprise. A better bet, would be to have parents who are members of the Chinese Communist Party.

8. Where is a good place to stay during the Olympics?

Home.

9. Where can I go to Party party in Beijing?

That will depend very much on whether you look like you might have come from a certain continent whose resources are being plundered by a certain Asian nation. If so, you will have a wonderful chance to party at Zhengding Detainment Center. If you are instead from Western, then the bars will be closed anyway, in order to show stable and calmly. No dancing, prease.

10. What can I do to show my support for One World, One Han Dream?

Simply this: Do not display Evil Motives against the peaceful People’s Liberation Army and 5,000 years civilisation of China.

Welcome to China, wish you happy happy everyday!

The Olympics. Ever since that first finely oiled naked Greek boy was taken behind the Parthenon and shown where to plant his javelin, it has been a regular 4-yearly occurrence in our lives just like Leap Years and unwanted marriage proposals from women. Those shiny multi-coloured entwined rings mean many different things to many different people. To some, the Olympics evokes nostalgic memories of men in white jogging shorts running in slow motion across a beach to Chariots of Fire. To others, the Olympics will always be Her Royal Highness The Princess Anne having an East European physician stick his hand down her royal knickers in order to assess if her crown jewels weren’t the result of gender bending Soviet wizardry. However, to me, secure here in my beautiful English retreat of Asbestos-Upon-Trent, the Olympics will always mean one thing: having all my favourite afternoon cartoons rescheduled for at least three fucking weeks. Spongebob pissing Squarepants.

Forgive me, dear reader. I am being flippant. Of course, the Olympics are a much more serious affair than the above. More than anything, it is a wonderful opportunity to partake in that wonderful British pastime of Hurting The Feelings Of The Chinese People™. Not that Hurting The Feelings Of The Chinese People™ (or HTFOTCP for short) is a difficult procedure. Only last week, I rearranged my living room furniture and an angry mob of Sichuanese undergraduates burnt down my hanging baskets. However, HTFOTCP is an important duty that every White Supremacist should not shirk, so Olympian size opportunities should not be missed.

The first thing you should check if you want to commit some serious HTFOTCP is the colour of your skin. Yes, just by being born black, you are creating a physical affront to the Han’s shaky hold on reality. Not only are you 802% more likely to take a shiny gold medal from a deserving Sinolympian than a feeble white man; but your very existence is proof that we aren’t all descendants of the Dragon Emperor, nor can we all be classified in their chart of 56 Happy Nationalities. Plus, everyone knows that Chinese people and black people are big fans of chicken, and until Popeye’s or Nando’s sets up shop in the Middle Kingdom, there just won’t be enough of the clucking stuff to go round. In the upcoming Chicken Wars, the inheritors of compasses and paper will be shitting themselves when confronted with the race that brought us Mike Tyson, Samuel L Jackson, and that little guy from Diff’rent Strokes. By being black you are insulting the Chinese people, period. You might as well stick a lampshade on your head, slant your eyes, and bang a gong in Hu Jintao’s face.

But who gives a shit anyway? The Olympics has got to be the most boring event created in the history of man. Exactly how much can one television commentator talk about such nondescript events as Ping Pong (two chaps whack a ball to and fro), Badminton (two chaps whack a shuttlecock to and fro) and Human Rights (two chaps whack a Tibetan to and fro)? It has to be the sporting equivalent of going round to visit a boring and vapid couple who have just had a baby and watching the little bastard run round in circles and falling over, all the while listening to the inane parents say “Look, he’s just ran round in a circle and fallen over!” Why should I show my respect to some so-called gymnast who can stand on one leg for half an hour? All that proves is that he had no childhood and was probably raped once by an unscrupulous gym instructor. Hell, my Uncle Arthur can stand on one leg for half an hour, and he didn’t win any medals – well, apart from that medal he won in WWII for having his leg shot off.

It’s time we cancelled the Olympics and replaced it with something more meaningful; like a cardigan, or broadband for the Welsh. It’s a meaningless, expensive joke that accomplishes nothing apart from allowing the winner of the 400 meters to gain a 12 month contract as the face of Pepsi Cola. If you want further proof that the Olympics is a waste of time and money, just look at the name the Chinese have given to their main stadium – The Bird’s Nest. If I remember correctly, a nest is created by a bird spitting and vomiting all over a bunch of twigs in the vain hope that they will stick together. Replace the word “twigs” with “people” in that last sentence and you’ll have a good idea of the true cost of the Olympic Games to China. If the Chinese really want to continue the charade of boring everybody and wasting loads of money every four years – they should start holding general elections instead. Ahahahahaha.

Spongbob Squarepants rescheduled to 2am? What were the BBC thinking of?

OPENING SCENE: Central Perk Coffeehouse

Ross walks into Central Perk with his head down and a depressed look on his face.
Ross: (sadly) Hiiiiiiii
Rachel: What’s wrong, Ross?
Ross: Oh ……..I just got a phone call. (Yells joyfully) I’M GOING TO BE THE KEYNOTE SPEAKER AT THE PALAEONTOLOGY CONFERENCE IN BEIJING! WOOHOO!
Rachel: Oh, that’s great! Congratulations!
Ross: And there’s more! As a bonus, they gave me these 6 passes……. TO ALL THE OLYMPIC EVENTS! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
Monica: OH MY GOD! Hey, we should all go. I haven’t seen Chandler for 6 months. I can use some of that good lovin’.
Phoebe: Yeah, I still can’t believe he fell asleep during a meeting again and agreed to head up his company’s Shanghai office
Rachel: That’s a good idea. I could use some time away from Emma. She’s starting to be a real bitch.
Monica: Plus we can visit Joey. It’ll be just like old times.
Rachel: Yeah, poor Joey. After they cancelled his spinoff show he got so depressed he moved to China. I hear he’s an English teacher now and is a DJ at some disco on the weekends.
Phoebe: Well, count me out. Right before my mom committed suicide I promised her I wouldn’t go to China until Tibet is free.
Rachel: Where is Tibet, anyway?
Phoebe: Hmmmm………. South America?
Ross stares at them blankly
Ross: (sarcastically) Yes, that’s correct

ROLL OPENING CREDITS AND FRIENDS THEME SONG (By: The Rembrandts).

THE ONE IN BEIJING

SCENE 1: A classroom at the DOS English School in Hangzhou.

Joey: NO! NO! NO! It’s not “how you DOIN’?” It’s “how YOU doin’?” Let’s try it again. How YOU doin’?
Class: HOW you doin’?
A ringtone of the opening bars of ‘I’ll Be There For You’ (By: The Rembrandts) goes off on Joey’s mobile phone.
Joey: Wei?
Estelle: Joey, it’s Estelle. How ya been kiddo? Listen, I got a job for ya…
Joey: Estelle? I thought you were dead.
Estelle: It’s possible but not unbelievable. Besides, this is all in Lang Lang’s head. Look, do you wanna know about the job or not?
Joey: Sure! Whaddaya got?
Estelle: NBC wants some celebrity guest announcers for the Olympics. So far, Paris Hilton, Gary Coleman, Larry The Cable Guy, Steven Seagall and The Man Who Met Andy Griffith are all onboard. Are ya interested?
Joey: Hell yeah, sign me up!
Estelle: You got it. Good luck kiddo. Knock ’em out.
Joey turns back to his class.
Joey: Now, in English, if we want to say something is really great, we say “It’s abysmal.”
Class: It’sa abysmal

SCENE 2: The cabin of a China Air 747 jet

Ross: …………….and so, in conclusion, due to the sediment flow rate of the alluvial strata from the Protozoac Era and Post Punk Era, the fossils found at the Peking Man Site have been widely discredited and validates my theory that Piltdown Man was actually the first true species of Homo Erectus indicating…
Rachel: Oh Ross, can you just give it a rest? You’ve been going on and on and on for 6 hours already!
Ross: Hey, you’re the one that said you would help me practice my speech.
Rachel: Yeah, well, if I hear about trilobytasaurus one more time, I’m just going to freak out! It just freaks me out!
Ross: I’m sorry. Maybe we should just………… take a break.
Ross: Fine by me!

SCENE 3: The arrival gate at the new Beijing Airport

A pretty Chinese lady is holding a sign that reads ‘Dr. Ross Geller’ It is Ross’s former girlfriend Julie.

Rachel: Julie? What are you doing here? It’s good to see you.
Julie: I live in China now. I’m the dean of the palaeontology department at Beijing Abnormal University. Actually, I’m the one that pulled some strings to have Ross appointed as the keynote speaker at the convention. But I’ll be honest. I only did it because I was hoping he would bring you. I haven’t stopped thinking about you ever since I left New York. Do you think Ross ever suspected our night of unbridled passion?
Rachel. Not a chance. Actually, I’ve been thinking about you too. That was the most special night of my life.
Julie: I’ve got champagne and sunflower seeds back at my place. Care to join me?
Rachel: I’d love to. But what about Ross?
Julie: (giggling) Let’s ditch him.
Rachel: Ok!

They skip through the airport, holding hands and giggling like schoolgirls.
A montage of scenes switching between Julie and Rachel making love and frolicking around some of Beijing’s most famous landmarks, acting silly, and enjoying some of the Olympic events (especially women’s soccer and beach volleyball) is set to the music of REO Speedwagon’s ‘I Can’t Fight This Feeling Anymore’
Meanwhile Ross, separated from Rachel after having been caught in the middle of a mob of zhongguotongs that had jumped out of their seats to grab their bags from the overhead bins as soon as the wheels touched the runway, is wandering through the airport looking for her. In the confusion, a pickpocket has stolen his wallet and mobile phone The snippy girl at the China Air counter has just informed him that his bags have been bumped to a later flight. Walking in a daze he accidently bumps into a longhaired Italian guy. He turns around and they recognise each other.

Paulo: Rossa! Marinara. Tutti spumoni frutti pesto. (English translation: You fucking horse-faced buttmunch).
Ross: Paulo. Gee, I never expected to see you here. Have you seen Rachel around by any chance?
Paulo: I teacha the English. I worka the sama schoola witha Joey.
Ross: Oh…… great. Listen, I’m having a bit of a problem. Can you loan me a few bucks? I’m promise I’ll pay you back as soon as this all gets straightened out
Paulo: Vafanapoli! Palermo pizzaria roma. (English translation: Go fuck a goat! Suddenly I’m your new bestest friend. If there was a fire, you’d save me first and then your whole family, right? I wouldn’t loan you a wooden nickel)
He makes the insulting Italian gesture of throwing his fist up from under his other arm and storms off. Ross dejectedly walks away, almost in tears.

SCENE 4: The NBC broadcasting booth at the Bird’s Nest Stadium

Bob Costas: And joining us in the booth today we have a special celebrity guest. Why, it’s Joey Tribbiani from the hit TV series FRIENDS and the not so hit show JOEY! Thanks for joining us Joey.
Joey: WOW! Are those nachos?
Bob Costas: So, Joey, what is your favourite Olympic event?
Joey: Well Bob, I like to watch the women’s gymnastics. I mean, can you imagine the sexual positions those gymnasts can do? They’re really bendy. How YOU doin’?
Bob Costas: Joey, you know, most of those girls are like….. 12.
Joey: Well let’s see……… I’m 38. So when I’m 76, they’ll be 24. And I see tons of 70 year-old dudes with 20 year-old babes around here. Especially up there in those CCP and IOC luxury suites. DAMMIT! Why doesn’t this country have any decent nachos?
Bob Costas: What about other sports? Do you like archery?
Joey: I wonder if it hurts when those girls fall on the balance beam and land straight on their crotch.
Bob Costas: Uh……………… OKAAY! That was Joey Tribbiani, formerly Dr. Drake Ramoray of the daytime soap opera Days Of Our Lives. Thanks for stopping by…
Joey: What? I got to leave now? But I just ordered a meatball sub!
Bob Costas: Security!
Joey is immediately swarmed and dog-piled by about 20 PLA troops and undercover police
Joey: HEY! LET GO OF MY MISTERS!

SCENE 5: Pudong Airport, Shanghai

Monica sees her former boyfriend, Richard, walking through the airport.
Monica: Richard? It’s me, Monica.
Richard: Monica? Wow, I almost didn’t recognize you. You look…………. different
Monica: Yeah, after Chandler got sent to Shanghai, I kind of put on a little weight. I ate an Oreo every time I got horny, to try to compensate for lack of sex. I ate a lot. Lot-lot-lot.
Richard: Really? How much weight did you gain?
Monica: 235 pounds. So, what are you doing here?
Richard: I come here every August to give free eye surgery and glasses for the poor.
Monica: (adoringly) Awwww… Oh, there’s Chandler. Hey Chandler! Over here! Look, it’s Richard!
Chandler: Oh my god, Monica. Could you BE any more fat? And where are the twins?
Monica: Uh…….. I ate them. (sobbing) I’M SO SORRY!! I ran out of Oreos.
Richard: Well, I’d better catch my flight to Qinghai. Nice seeing you guys again.
Monica: Bye Richard! (She gestures her hand like a phone and mouths the words ‘Call Me’)
Richard: (smiles, strokes his moustache and walks away, whispering under his breath) Chandler, you poor bastard.
Monica: So, there’s a broom closet over there. I think we have time to knock out a quicky before we meet Joey and catch our flight to Beijing.
Chandler: Uh……… no thanks… Maybe another (he coughs the word ‘life’) time.
Monica: (shaking her hips and moving her hands down her sides) You mean you don’t wanna get-with-this?
Chandler: Whoa, take it easy there Michelin Mon.
Monica: (angrily) WHAT?
Chandler: Look! Joey’s here!
Joey: DUDE!
Chandler: DUDE!
Monica: Ok. Dude alert.
Joey drops his bags and gives Chandler a million-dollar, back-slapping hug.
Monica: Well, I’ll leave you 2 girls alone. I’m gonna go find the ladies room. I gotta pee.
Chandler: Yeah, well be careful. Those toilets were sooooo designed for Chinese-sized asses, not………. reindeer….. sized……… asses.
Monica scowls at Chandler as if he were toilet film and then uses the FRIENDS way of flipping the bird by clapping her fists together 2 times, then stomps off.
Chandler: I still got it!
Joey and Chandler laughingly do the finger-pull hi-five thingy.

SCENE 6: Inside the ladies restroom at Pudong Airport

All the toilet stalls are full. Monica is holding her crotch and shaking with pain trying to keep from peeing in her pants. Finally, a toilet flushes and a girl vacates one of the stalls. Monica walks quickly towards the stall when suddenly Zhang Ziyi cuts in front of her. Monica taps her on the shoulder.
Monica: Excuse me, I believe I was next in line.
Zhang Ziyi: This China, you fat laowai. There no line. Don’t you know who I am?
Monica: You listen here, missy! I’ve been waiting here a long time.
Zhang Ziyi: I know kung fu. You don’t want fight me.
Monica: Maybe I do. I’m pretty feisty. Slut!
Zhang Ziyi: Tramp!
Monica grabs Zhang Ziyi’s neck and shoves her face into the toilet. A giant splash of toilet water accidentally flies straight into Monica’s mouth. Zhang Ziyi jumps up and gets into a fighting stance and aims a couple of roundhouse kicks at Monica’s head without effect. She is clearly outmatched (and outweighed). Monica grabs her and puts her in bear hug.
Monica: (with a Mexican accent) ANACONDA SQUEEZE!
Locked in a life or death struggle they thrash around the room, neither willing to surrender. Suddenly, Monica slips on a giant gob of yellow phlegm and lands directly on top of Zhang Ziyi ( all 337 pounds of her), nearly crushing the life out of her and fracturing several bones. Monica gets up to walk away. Stops. Then grabs one of Zhang Ziyi’s ears.
Monica: You know, if we were in prison you would be, like, my bitch.
Zhang Ziyi: (sprawled on the floor, her body the texture of tapioca pudding, moaning with pain) ooohhhhh………….s hiiiiit…..

SCENE 7: Zhongshan Park

After several days of wandering around Beijing, an unbathed, unshaven and generally dishevelled Ross is nearly at the end of his mental rope. He lies down to take a nap on a park bench. Suddenly, a gust of wind blows a business card onto his face. He looks at it but it is written in Chinese. He drops it on the ground. The card flips over and lands on the ground revealing the other side, in English. He recognises the name on the card.
Ross: Oh my god! Julie? She’s here in Beijing?
With a renewed energy he stops a Beijing resident and throws him off his bicycle.
Ross: (pretending to flash a police badge) Beijing PD! I’m commandeering your vehicle! He pedals away as fast as he can.
Park Security Guard: Hey, that gweilo just stole your bike!
Beijing Resident: It’s ok. I can just steal another one. He hands the guard a 5 kuai bill
Park Security Guard: That red 10-speed over there is pretty sweet. The guy won’t be back for hours.
Beijing Resident: Thanks.

Exhausted and breathing heavily Ross throws the bike down and runs full throttle up the stairs of one of the staff apartment buildings at Beijing Abnormal University.

SCENE 8: Julie’s apartment

Julie hears a pounding and opens the front door
Julie: Ross? What are you doing here? Quick! You’ve gotta get out of here!
Ross: Oh Julie, I can’t tell how glad I am to see you. You have no idea what I’ve been through.
Julie: Ross, this is kind of a bad time. I’m really busy. Can you come back later?
Ross: But…… but……
A voice comes from Julie’s bedroom
Rachel: Juuuuliiieeee. I have a surprise for yoooouuuu.
Ross: Hey, that sounded just like Rachel.
Julie: (nervously) Uh….. uh….. no. It’s just the TV.
Ross: Wait a minute. He pushes past Julie and goes into the bedroom and finds Rachel on the bed, naked, except she’s wearing a huge strap-on dick. WHAT IN THE NAME OF RUBBER CEMENT IS GOING ON HERE?
Julie: Ross, I can explain!
Rachel: HEY! WE WERE ON……. A BREAK!!!
Ross:(gazing up to heaven) Are ya kiddin’ me?

EPILOGUE: Phoebe, Ross and Monica are lounging on the couch back at Central Perk
Phoebe: Wow, Monica, look at you! I can’t believe it!
Monica: I know!
Phoebe: What happened?
Monica: I caught dysentery! Isn’t it the best thing ever? I spent 2 weeks wishing the toilet had a seatbelt, but look at me now! I’m back to my Season 3 weight.
Ross: So Pheebs, what have you been up to while we were gone?
Phoebe: Oh, great news! Mike got a gig playing keyboards for that really cool band called Dulang on their world tour…
Ross: Oh, I love those guys! Does he get to talk to Cissy? Mike is soooo lucky!
Phoebe: Yeah, I know. He just called me from Tierra Del Fuego. But before he left we broke into the NYU Laboratory and released 50 spider monkeys and a French poodle. Actually, the poodle just laid there and licked his balls. But the spider monkeys ran up a tree right above some pro-China demonstrators and pelted them with faeces.
Ross: Ahhh, good times.