Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

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StarTrek with Chinese Characteristics?

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, November 7, 2007

I’m sure you’ve heard the old chestnut:

Q. Why aren’t there many Chinese in StarTrek?
A. Because even in the future, they can’t be made to work properly.

Racist claptrap, of course. I’ve actually been wondering about the role of the Chinese in the StarTrek universe, and I reckon there are plenty of Chinese out there, amongst the stars. Don’t believe me? Try these on for size, then…

Top Ten Possibilities for Chinese in StarTrek

10. The Arbazan
A highly conservative semi-humanoid race known for their ultra-right, almost fascist, political and social policies, with a reputation for arrogance. They are perennial sources of right wing dissent among the liberal Federation. They are easy to take offence, and find haven in boring, bureaucratic jobs or mundane research jobs.

9. The Jarada
Jarada are known for being quite vengeful if wronged and actually ate the ship’s crew who mispronounced their greeting in 2344.

8. The J’naii
Androgynous race from the system of same name. Federation principles of tolerance and understanding run contrary to J’naii law (which requires rigid enforcement of a code that prevents J’naii from exhibiting any sign of gender specific behaviour, amongst other things). Violators are subjected to a brainwashing therapy without appeal.

7. Lenarians
Often found as miners, or working in other menial professions, their original homeworld has been lost to antiquity. In their exodus from a polluted homeworld they lost the records of the pre-exodus times including the coordinates of their homeworld. All that survived were isolated stories and legends. Their technological progress has been very slow, and they hold a resentment against the Federation because of its rapid progress.

6. The Pakled
These humanoids maintain a profitable cargo shipping consortium along the Federation / Cardassian border. They have an obsession with stealing advanced technology they did not develop. Pakled ships usually have stolen or copied Klingon, Romulan, Cardassian, and Federation technology. Because of this they often find trouble with governmental shipping contracts, preferring to stay to grey-market or low budget shipping. Their simple speech conceals their highly cunning and ambitious nature.

5. Tamarians
Faintly reptilian race with yellow skin, and a language that could not be understood until 2368. Their language translates into a system of stock phrases and metaphors. It was later understood to be metaphoric analogies to Tamarian myths. Unfortunately, little else is known since their language is still largely unknown and they have limited interest in interchange since the first language breakthrough.

4. The Vorta
With a generally humanoid appearance except for very tight skin and a light grey complexion, they are easily identified. They have negligible social, artistic, or scientific activity and seem to exist almost exclusively for the purpose of administrating the Dominion and commanding the Jem’Hadar.

3. Tribbles
They eat and reproduce, apparently without having sex. That’s about it, really. Oh yes, and they make an annoying “tribbletribbletribble” sound when happy.

2. The Borg
A Borg is linked into a collective mind where the concept of the individual is meaningless. The Borg exists solely to assimilate other races into it’s Collective. They are the greatest strategic threat to the Federation today.

…and finally, the Number One Candidate…

1. The Ferengi
Greedy humanoid race first encountered in 1266 by Marco Polo in 2364 in the Delphi Ardu system. Possessing a rigid and inflexible code requiring males to relentlessly seek profit while females are left naked and submissive, they appear as short humanoids with skin tones ranging from dull yellow to dark brown. They have no firm alliances and prefer to maintain business with all sides. Many rogue Ferengi pursue profit as pirates: this is legal only through a loophole in their laws.

So, there you have it – The StarTrek universe with Chinese Characteristics. I leave you now with a list of the known Chinese Laws of Acquisition

1. Once you have their money, you never give it back.
3. Never pay more for an acquisition than you have to.
6. Never allow family to stand in the way of opportunity.
7. Keep your ears open.
8. Small print leads to large risk.
9. Opportunity plus instinct equals profit.
10. Greed is eternal.
13. Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.
16. A deal is a deal… until a better one comes along.
17. A contract is a contract is a contract… but only between Ferengi.
18. A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all.
19. Satisfaction is not guaranteed.
21. Never place friendship above profit.
22. A wise man can hear profit in the wind.
27. There’s nothing more dangerous than an honest businessman.
28. Whisper your way to success.
31. Never insult of a Ferengi’s mother… insult something he cares about instead.
33. It never hurts to suck up to the boss.
34. War is good for business.
35. Peace is good for business.
40. She can touch your lobes, but never your latinum.
41. Profit is its own reward.
44. Never confuse wisdom with luck.
47. Never trust a man wearing a better suit than your own.
48. The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife.
52. Never ask when you can take.
57. Good customers are as rare as latinum – treasure them.
58. There is no substitute for success.
59. Free advice is seldom cheap.
60. Keep your lies consistent.
62. The riskier the road, the greater the profit.
65. Win or lose, there’s always Hupyrian beetle snuff.
75. Home is where the heart is… but the stars are made of latinum.
76. Every once in a while, declare peace… it confuses the hell out of your enemies.
79. Beware of the Vulcan greed for knowledge.
82. The flimsier the product, the higher the price.
85. Never let the competition know what you’re thinking.
89. Ask not what your profits can do for you, but what you can do for your profits.
94. Females and finances don’t mix.
95. Expand… or die.
97. Enough… is never enough.
98. Every man has his price.
99. Trust is the biggest liability of all.
102. Nature decays, but latinum is forever.
103. Sleep can interfere…. [cut off]
104. Faith moves mountains… of inventory.
106. There is no honour in poverty.
109. Dignity and an empty sack… is worth the sack.
111. Treat people in your debt like family… exploit them.
112. Never have sex with the boss’s sister.
113. Always have sex with the boss.
121. Everything is for sale, even friendship.
123. Even a blind man can recognize the glow of latinum.
139. Wives serve, brothers inherit.
141. Only fools pay retail.
144. There’s nothing wrong with charity… as long as it winds up in your pocket.
162. Even in the worst of times, someone makes a profit.
177. Know your enemies… but do business with them always.
181. Not even dishonesty can tarnish the shine of profit.
189. Let others keep their reputation… you keep their latinum.
190. Hear all, trust nothing.
192. Never cheat a Klingon… unless you can get away with it.
194. It’s always good business to know your customers before they walk in the door.
202. The justification for profit is profit.
203. New customers are like razor-toothed greeworms. They can be succulent, but sometimes they bite back.
208. Sometimes the only thing more dangerous than a question is an answer.
211. Employees are the rungs on the ladder of success. Don’t hesitate to step on them.
214. Never begin a business negotiation on an empty stomach.
217. You can’t free a fish from water.
218. Always know what you’re buying.
223. Beware the man who doesn’t make time for oo-mox.
229. Latinum lasts longer than lust.
236. You can’t buy fate.
239. Never be afraid to mislabel a product.
242. More is good… all is better.
255. A wife is a luxury… a smart accountant a necessity.
261. A wealthy man can afford anything except a conscience.
263. Never allow doubt to tarnish your lust for latinum.
266. When in doubt, lie.
284. Deep down, everyone’s a Ferengi.
285. No good deed ever goes unpunished.

Posted in You're Joking? | Tagged: , , | 3 Comments »

Psych. 101

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, August 26, 2007

Pychological Test for Potential Employees

To be given to all job applicants. Analysis provided below answer.

1. Imagine you have just walked into a Chinese bus, and are shooting all the passengers.
What do you feel?

a/ Terrible sense of remorse / injustice / self-hate.
—> [Ask candidate to remove his/her rose-tinted glasses.]

b/ Sense of righteous justification.
—> [Candidate has probably been here too long. Give him/her a fly to de-wing.]

c/ A slight recoil.
—> [Correct. Remind candidate to allow for this when firing follow-up rounds.]

2. You are facing a Chinese beggar, and a deadly cobra. You have in your possession a large-calibre handgun with just two rounds.
What do you do, and in what order?

a/ Shoot the snake, then the Chinese.
—> [Poor situational awareness. Failure to prioritise.]

b/ Shoot the Chinese, then the snake.
—> [Poor judgement of reality.]

c/ Shoot the Chinese. Then shoot it again.
—> [Correct. Assess candidate for management. And accuracy at close ranges.]

3. Your Chinese supplier has just told you that you can trust him/her, because he/she is honest.
What is your reaction?

a/ Say how glad you are to hear it, take him/her at his/her word.
—> [Reject application out of hand.]

b/ Laugh out loud.
—> [Whilst fair enough, could be mistaken for agreement. Re-educate.]

c/ Take a photo, to put in the frame entitled ‘The Honest Supplier’, that’s been empty for the last 5,000 years.
—> [Correct. Assess candidate for Purchasing Department.]

Assessment to be submitted with Resume / C.V.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai | Tagged: , , | Leave a Comment »

10 Uses For Cardboard-Filled Baozi

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Baozi (Chinese: 包子; Pinyin: bāozi), a type of steamed, filled bun.

It was recently reported that there was a story about a factory in Beijing that was using softened waste cardboard instead of pork as filling in its buns. Then another story that the first story was fake. Blah blah blah. What’s wrong with cardboard baozi, I ask you? There are many uses for them…

1. Tampon Substitute. The cardboard is highly absorbent, and a cardboard-filled baozi is far cheaper than the traditional bran-filled muffin.

2. Close Combat Weapon. As everyone knows, Dwarf-bread is often used as an emergency close combat weapon. Dwarven-bread buns can be cheaply replaced with baozi for non-lethal applications such as peacekeeping, and baozi also make for an inexpensive training round.

3. CCP Official Paperweight. Need something to stop your piles of hongbao blowing away? Use a baozi filled with high-density cardboard. For the man who has taken everything.

4. Sandbag Replacement. Perfect for makeshift dams and dykes, especially when the rivers flood. If only the Three Gorges Dam was so sturdy…

5. Novelty Dogpoo. It looks, smells and tastes just like the real thing!

6. Douchebag. Not an original idea, the Chinese invented the Doushabao 5,000 years ago, during the reign of Emperor Nasi Goreng.

7. Campfire Fuel. Have you ever been camping and wanted to light a fire, only to discover that every stick of wood within 1,200Km was cut down decades ago to build a ladder from China to the Moon? Well campers, your troubles are over, thanks to the all new and improved cardboard-filled baozi. These little babies make great fuel for all your campfire needs. Don’t leave home without one!

8. Fashion Accessory. From earrings to handbags, there’s a baozi in your size. Simply open it up, remove the packaging, and voila!

9. Princess Leia Disguise. Any two matching cardboard baozi can be easily adapted into a wig for the balding female Star Wars fan (brasswork bikini sold seperately).

10. Food. If all else fails, you can always eat it. Not only does cardboard contain 317% more nutrition than any other known Chinese cuisine, the industrial chemicals kill 74% of E.coli and other bacteria, making the cardboard-filled baozi actually safer to eat than regular baozi.

Posted in Food | Tagged: , | 4 Comments »

The Emperor’s Old Clothes

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, July 19, 2007

Chairman Hu Jintao and Premier Wen Jiabao were discussing what to do about the rising tide of civil unrest in the country. They had almost come to the point of admitting that there was nothing they could do except send in the Army again, when Wen had a brainwave!

“Hu,” he cried out, “why don’t we go on a tour of the country, disguised as peasant farmers. That way we can blend in with the common people and learn what they are really thinking. As Harmonious Communists it will give us great Political Correctness.”

Hu thought it was a wonderful idea, so they dressed themselves up in peasant garb, with shiny trousers rolled up above their knees, shirts that may once have been white but which was now yellow and stained, an old and poorly made double-breasted jacket apiece, slip-on shoes, and thatched rice-paddy hats to top it off. They also got themselves a small and very dirty pig and tied a rope around its’ neck as a leash, to complete the disguise.

And off they went into China, to be amongst their people.

The first day out, towards evening, they espied a ramshackle tea house near the edge of a small and humble hamlet. “Ah,” said Hu, “the perfect place in which to mingle with our people.”

They both shuffled up to the counter, at which was slumped an old peasant.

“Ni hao, comrades,” muttered the old peasant. “Cup of tea?”

Hu and Wen, feeling that a cup of tea would be just the thing, assented.

Shortly afterwards, an old woman entered, looked around, came up to the pair, and then studied the pig carefully. After some time she lifted up the pig’s tail, had a good look, then shuffled out the door into the evening. Hu and Wen exchanged mystified glances, then went back to their tea. Some minutes later, a peasant worker entered, ambled up to them them, glaced at their faces, then looked down at the pig. After a moments contemplation, he lifted the pig’s tail, took a close look, then ambled out again. This process was repeated again and again, and each time the two great Leaders grew more and more puzzled.

“Excuse me,” Hu finally said to the peasant currently lifting up the pig’s tail, “what are you doing? All night our comrades have been coming in, lifting up our pig’s tail, then leaving. Is this a traditional local custom?”

“No.” replied the peasant, “I was just investigating the rumour that in this ‘ere teahouse, there was a pig with two arseholes.”

Posted in You're Joking? | Tagged: , | 6 Comments »