Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

I’m constantly amazed at all the fuss over Jesus Christ. I mean, sure he was a humble furniture manufacturer who hit the big time, and gained access to foreign markets long before the WTO. Yes, he had a great marketing department, and that helped. But it seems to me, that the big reason why he is such a superstar, is the simple fact that his mother was a virgin at the time she conceived.

Big whoops. It happens in China all the time.

Most couples seem to get married around Spring Festival, which varies from February to March as a rule. They do this for what is described as luck and fortune, but in reality it probably has more to do with the number of times the moon flies around the country or somesuch. The key thing, the really important, crucial thing, is that all Chinese girls are ‘Traditional’, which means they all remain virgins until married, and only take it up the stove pipe when shagging around with Johnny Whiteboy.

And now, just three short months after getting married (but nearing nine months after the October holiday), they are preparing to spawn their first litter.

Virgin at time of marriage, sprogs falling out three or four months later… Sounds like a clear-cut case of immaculate conception to me.

Mrs MyLaowai has a sister, and she’s officially Up The Duff. I’m not saying it was a case of Immaculate Conception, though the the phrase ‘shotgun wedding’ does hover on the edge of conscious thought. Anyway, being pregnant and Chinese, she is required to attend pregnancy classes at the local ‘Community Centre’. Mrs MyLaowai went along with her to one of these classes, and this is the first thing she heard the Instructor say:

“Many Chinese think eating fruit is good for the baby’s skin. But they are wrong. In Africa, there’s a lot of fruit growing in the jungle, but the babies all have very bad skin because it is black.”

I shit ye not.

It all got me thinking about the kinds of advice that expectant mothers need to hear. What to eat, how to live, that kind of thing. So, for the benefit of any poor, uncivilised foreigner mothers out there, here’s:

The Official Pregnant Mother Guide With Chinese Characteristics.

1. Wear a lead-lined apron to shield your baby from harmful radiation emanating from the computer monitors at work. If your employer is a foreigner, he should pay for it, as he is a guest in this country.

2. Do not, under any circumstances, operate the photocopier, as the intense radiation could harm your baby’s healthy.

3. Do not watch TV, as it could damage your baby’s eyes.

4. Do not touch cold meat, as it will lead to severe arthritis in later life.

5. Find either a good recipe for Afterbirth Soup, or a rich customer.

6. Practise squatting a lot. It is not only the natural position for giving birth, but means you are able to do so without stepping away from your assembly line. Most Chinese employers will permit you five minutes in which to give birth, provided you keep your industrial output to within 85% of normal.

7. Eat plenty of fish heads. It will make the baby smart, and the thalidomide, mercury, and other vitamins will ensure that your abdomen doesn’t grow painfully large in the third trimester.

8. Ensure that when your parents select a name for your baby, they choose one that is not only legal, but also appropriate. Some good examples could be:
– Serve The Party
– Victorious People’s Army
– Ice Ice *
– Cube Cube *
– Sun In Sky
– Spring Season
– Oh Look, I Just Saw A Bird
– I Want Eat Lunch
– Volcano
– Killer Angel
– Lily

• But never Ice Cube. That would be silly.

Please note that only traditional Chinese names are legal in China. Any attempt to give your baby a foreigner name will result in the PSB denying your baby official status. That means no hospital, no school, no welfare. Honestly, this is true.

9. After giving birth, don’t look at the baby. If you do, you may find yourself experiencing strange feelings known as ‘maternal compassion’. A better idea, is for your husband’s family to take the baby away for the first six months or so. If it’s a boy, you’ll get your chance in six months. It’s much better for all concerned.

10. Do not, under any circumstances, breast feed your baby if it can possibly be avoided. China produces more than enough plaster of paris baby formula. Furthermore, while you are sitting around at home playing with your breasts, the Nation is losing valuable production. You wouldn’t want to be an Enemy of the Revolution, would you?

Follow these simple guidelines, and all will be well. Oh, seeing as how today is June 1st, happy International Spoiled Bastard With Nintendo Day International OnlyOneChild Day

Happy International (but only in China) Children’s Day.