Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Posts Tagged ‘Girls’

Happy New Year

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, January 1, 2008

2008 is upon us, and MyLaowai would like to take this opportunity to wish all of you joy and the very best of luck in the coming year. I would like to take this opportunity to thank my readers for their support, and thank those who sent death threats for the amusement they have provided me.

In the words of that Very-Famous-In-The-World leader, Chairman Hu “call me the Butcher” Jintao, let us Make Joint Efforts to Advance the Lofty Cause of Peace and Development for Mankind.

I think there’s something in that for all of us, don’t you?

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Posted in China | Tagged: , | 1 Comment »

Women of the Politburo

Posted by MyLaowai on Monday, December 10, 2007

The women we look up to, if we know what’s good for us…

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Name : Gao Xiao Jie – ‘Vivy’
Age : 25
Official Position : Assistant Vice Deputy Secretary, Harmonious Military Dancing Troupe Commission In An All Round Way; Massage Expert
Hobbies : “I very like sleeping, playing PC games, and shopping.”
Best Feature : “I am very diligent and Mr Hu say I have correct political opinion. One day I want to have trading company and very fashion. I like rice and so on. Mr Wen say I give good head.”

Posted in Pornography | Tagged: , | 2 Comments »

Women of the Politburo

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, November 24, 2007

The women we look up to, if we know what’s good for us…

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Name : Zhang Xiao Jie – ‘Lily’
Age : 23
Official Position : Deputy Vice Assistant Secretary, Harmonious Nation Discipline Committee For Central Planning In An All Round Way; Tea Lady
Hobbies : “I very like sleeping, playing PC games, and shopping.”
Best Feature : “Mr Hu say my best lucky is my harmonious nature. I am very diligent and cook delicious Chinese tradition food. Mr Wen say I give good head.”

Posted in Pornography | Tagged: , | 9 Comments »

Gratuitous Sex and Music Interlude

Posted by MyLaowai on Saturday, November 3, 2007

Posted in Sex Sex Sex | Tagged: , , | 3 Comments »

Want To See My Nipples?

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, July 22, 2007

This post relates to the recent case against Oiwan Lam, who is fighting an indecency ruling by the Obscene Articles Tribunal for posting an artistic photo of a topless woman that she found on Flickr. If the ruling is upheld she could face a fine of up to HK$400,000 and up to one year in jail.

If you live in Hong Kong you will be aware of the latest uproar over how the Television and Licensing Authority (TELA) and Obscene Articles Tribunal (OAT) operate. At the Hong Kong book fair this week, a book depicting a classic French painting of Cupid kissing Psyche on its cover was nearly withdrawn from the Hong Kong book fair because TELA inspectors deemed it indecent.

Several media-related decisions by the Obscene Articles Tribunal in the 1990s have resulted in much confusion and criticism. The following three appeals lodged by the now defunct Eastern Express newspaper vividly illustrate the kind of unreasonable and unacceptable interference that the OAT could have on the daily operations of the media (Eastern Express Publisher Ltd v Obscene Articles Tribunal [1995] 5 HKPLR 247). In ruling on the appeals, a High Court judge sharply criticized the OAT saying, “These cases have, in my view, involved a great deal of waste of time, money and valuable resources.”

The first appeal concerned an OAT determination in 1995 that an advertisement in Eastern Express depicting Michelangelo’s statue of David was indecent. The OAT maintained that it was not appropriate for the newspaper to publish a photograph of a statue of wholly naked male body with the penis fully exposed. In allowing the appeal by Eastern Express, the High Court judge noted that he had never, until then, heard any sensible person suggested that the statue of David was indecent. He considered the OAT conclusion as “totally incomprehensible” and one which could not have been reached reasonably given that the advertisement was published on an inside page of a serious English-language newspaper and was clearly intended to be read by normal, reasonable adults.

– Yan Mei Ning, Hong Kong Media Law: A Guide for Journalists and Media Professionals

Well, if showing your nipples is what it takes to upset those bastards, then I’m game for a fight. Behold, netizens, and be amazed, as I expose my nipples for the benefit of the underaged public:

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(Thanks to Rebecca MacKinnon and Roland Soong for the heads-up)

Posted in Censorship, Pornography | Tagged: , , , | 4 Comments »

Strange Deformations

Posted by MyLaowai on Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Inbreeding is breeding between close relatives, whether plant or animal. If practised repeatedly, it often leads to a reduction in genetic diversity, and the increased gene expression of recessive traits, resulting in inbreeding depression. This may result in inbred individuals exhibiting reduced health and fitness and lower levels of fertility.Results of inbreeding:
Inbreeding may result in a far higher expression of deleterious recessive genes within a population than would normally be expected. As a result, first-generation inbred individuals are more likely to show physical and health defects, including:

  • reduced fertility both in litter size and sperm viability
  • increased genetic disorders
  • fluctuating facial asymmetry
  • lower birth rate
  • higher infant mortality
  • slower growth rate
  • smaller adult size
  • loss of immune system function.

(source: Wikipedia)

China has had, for the last 3,000 years, a population that seldom bred outside the confines of the village. Added to this, has been an ongoing program to cull from the herd any individuals that were, well, individual. Anyone who acted with independence – Chop! Anyone who showed courage in the face of Confucian ‘Authority’ – Chop! Anyone who had their own ideas about how society should be – Chop! The results of this culling program combined with the reduced size of the gene pool (now believed to be a small gene puddle), not to mention artificial genetic manipulation via environmental poisoning, are clear to anyone who travels outside the major cities: all kinds of weird and wonderful birth defects, low life expectancy, reduced variety in individuals.

I’ve seen the One Legged Man (who nonetheless sported three feet at the end of his one leg), whole tribes of Six Toed Dwarves, thousands of large facial moles sprouting luxurious lengths of hair, and vast quantities of birthmarks that make Mikhail Gorbachev’s inkspot look like a mere freckle.

All that pales, however, in comparison to the sight that greeted me yesterday: The Oddly Breasted Munchkin.

So, there’s this girl. She’s fairly short, not bad looking, otherwise indistinguishable from the sweating masses, except in one respect – her breasts are too low. Now, I don’t mean that they sagged, I mean that they were too low. Call me an old-fashioned kind of guy, but I reckon that having your breasts start at the bottom of your ribcage cannot be a good thing. Everything else was right – good cleavage, nice shape – but the altitude had me muttering “Pull up! Pull up!”. It was, honestly, something that I never expected to see and I hope I never see again.

The Chinese have a word for all these weird mutations. They call it ‘lucky’.

I think there’s something in that for all of us.

Posted in China, Environment, You're Joking? | Tagged: , , | 4 Comments »

The Brave China Man

Posted by MyLaowai on Thursday, July 12, 2007

There’s this (virtual) organisation in Hong Kong, which goes by the name of the Anti-Kong-Typed-Women Association. Apparently, it was set up by a group of Hong Kong Chinese guys, who seem to have emotional problems vis-a-vis women. Or, in their own words, “certain typical Hong Kong women with serious psychological flaws”. They have a lovely little logo, though:

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Impressive, isn’t it? Well anyway, they planned a massive flash-mob incident to prove how manly they all were (Yeah, that’ll show those women how tough us Chinese Men are! Yeah!). The time and place was set for 1:00pm at Exit E, Causeway Bay MTR. The police got wind of it, and had a few plain-clothes people there to keep an eye on things. At 1:00pm, a young guy wearing jam-jar glasses and a white t-shirt took a step out into the open, took out a piece of paper and recited something short in a low voice. He then departed quickly.

Yeah! That showed ’em! Wow, how brave these Chinese boys are.

The individual concerned (photo below), Ah-Hung, had been interviewed by EasyFinder magazine in which he claimed to be 25 years old but has never dated a girl. He also said: “Revolutions need martyrs. I’m prepared to become a martyr.”

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For the record… Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah. Ha.

(Thanks to Roland at EWSN for the report, and Peking Duck for the heads up)

In related news, there’s this little gem from our Chinese friends in the U.S. of A. Essentially, there’s a class of visa that is known as an F1, which applies to foreign graduate students who are studying in U.S. Universities. They are not U.S. citizens (and in fact a great many are spies for the Chinese Communists). Their gripe? Read on…

Appeal to Male F1s to Absolutely Never Marry Chinese Girls Who Have Dated White Guys

“You can date, you can also make love, but definitely not want to get married for a very simple reason. Although we are all people of high ability, we can’t settle the status issue: we can’t provide green cards. In other respects we are definitely better than average white people, but because of the system we are forced to compete from a position of weakness.

But our superiority lies in this: Language and culture, after all it is easier to communicate with us than white guys. Usually we are quite traditional, on the whole all can rely on our support. But the ultimate reason is that we allow female F1s to take advantage of us. Their selfish calculation is this: first they date white guys, and if they get married to them, then they have achieved what they wanted; if they couldn’t marry a white guy, they still have us Chinese guys as backups.

Therefore in order to put an end to them treating us as backups, I appeal to you: Let all male F1s join forces to boycott any female F1 who has dated white guys. It’s like trashy schools and top-tier schools competing to enroll new students: Although I am a very trashy university, I will give you an offer right away. I want you to decide right away. If you are waiting for a top-tier university, I will immediately reject you. Why? Because only in this way are you able to maximize your interest. Otherwise all you can get are those who were rejected by top-tier schools.


From today begins the upward progress of a sunny, wretched, handsome male F1.”

Posted by: TwentyFourCM (24cm)

What does it all mean? Well, Chinese males are often extremely insecure around women. Add to this the very low level of respect in which females are held, and it’s no wonder that so many Chinese girls are simply more interested in dating foreign boys than Chinese boys. The Chinese boys lose their face. Laughably, the Chinese graduate students who make the above complaint are the ones who tend to use their foreign-resident status as a lure to pull Chinese girls who are living in China and who want to escape.

It’s easy to laugh at these 9lb emotional weaklings, but they really can be dangerous when the frustration all gets a bit too much for their delicate ego’s to bear, as we saw in the China Bounder incident (reported here in detail).

Draw your own conclusions, people. I’m leaving you with this thought:

If consumers won’t buy your product, could it be that your product isn’t what the market wants?

Posted in China, Media | Tagged: , | 1 Comment »

Virgin on the Ridiculous

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, June 1, 2007

I’m constantly amazed at all the fuss over Jesus Christ. I mean, sure he was a humble furniture manufacturer who hit the big time, and gained access to foreign markets long before the WTO. Yes, he had a great marketing department, and that helped. But it seems to me, that the big reason why he is such a superstar, is the simple fact that his mother was a virgin at the time she conceived.

Big whoops. It happens in China all the time.

Most couples seem to get married around Spring Festival, which varies from February to March as a rule. They do this for what is described as luck and fortune, but in reality it probably has more to do with the number of times the moon flies around the country or somesuch. The key thing, the really important, crucial thing, is that all Chinese girls are ‘Traditional’, which means they all remain virgins until married, and only take it up the stove pipe when shagging around with Johnny Whiteboy.

And now, just three short months after getting married (but nearing nine months after the October holiday), they are preparing to spawn their first litter.

Virgin at time of marriage, sprogs falling out three or four months later… Sounds like a clear-cut case of immaculate conception to me.

Mrs MyLaowai has a sister, and she’s officially Up The Duff. I’m not saying it was a case of Immaculate Conception, though the the phrase ‘shotgun wedding’ does hover on the edge of conscious thought. Anyway, being pregnant and Chinese, she is required to attend pregnancy classes at the local ‘Community Centre’. Mrs MyLaowai went along with her to one of these classes, and this is the first thing she heard the Instructor say:

“Many Chinese think eating fruit is good for the baby’s skin. But they are wrong. In Africa, there’s a lot of fruit growing in the jungle, but the babies all have very bad skin because it is black.”

I shit ye not.

It all got me thinking about the kinds of advice that expectant mothers need to hear. What to eat, how to live, that kind of thing. So, for the benefit of any poor, uncivilised foreigner mothers out there, here’s:

The Official Pregnant Mother Guide With Chinese Characteristics.

1. Wear a lead-lined apron to shield your baby from harmful radiation emanating from the computer monitors at work. If your employer is a foreigner, he should pay for it, as he is a guest in this country.

2. Do not, under any circumstances, operate the photocopier, as the intense radiation could harm your baby’s healthy.

3. Do not watch TV, as it could damage your baby’s eyes.

4. Do not touch cold meat, as it will lead to severe arthritis in later life.

5. Find either a good recipe for Afterbirth Soup, or a rich customer.

6. Practise squatting a lot. It is not only the natural position for giving birth, but means you are able to do so without stepping away from your assembly line. Most Chinese employers will permit you five minutes in which to give birth, provided you keep your industrial output to within 85% of normal.

7. Eat plenty of fish heads. It will make the baby smart, and the thalidomide, mercury, and other vitamins will ensure that your abdomen doesn’t grow painfully large in the third trimester.

8. Ensure that when your parents select a name for your baby, they choose one that is not only legal, but also appropriate. Some good examples could be:
– Serve The Party
– Victorious People’s Army
– Ice Ice *
– Cube Cube *
– Sun In Sky
– Spring Season
– Oh Look, I Just Saw A Bird
– I Want Eat Lunch
– Volcano
– Killer Angel
– Lily

  • But never Ice Cube. That would be silly.

Please note that only traditional Chinese names are legal in China. Any attempt to give your baby a foreigner name will result in the PSB denying your baby official status. That means no hospital, no school, no welfare. Honestly, this is true.

9. After giving birth, don’t look at the baby. If you do, you may find yourself experiencing strange feelings known as ‘maternal compassion’. A better idea, is for your husband’s family to take the baby away for the first six months or so. If it’s a boy, you’ll get your chance in six months. It’s much better for all concerned.

10. Do not, under any circumstances, breast feed your baby if it can possibly be avoided. China produces more than enough plaster of paris baby formula. Furthermore, while you are sitting around at home playing with your breasts, the Nation is losing valuable production. You wouldn’t want to be an Enemy of the Revolution, would you?

Follow these simple guidelines, and all will be well. Oh, seeing as how today is June 1st, happy International Spoiled Bastard With Nintendo Day International OnlyOneChild Day

Happy International (but only in China) Children’s Day.

Posted in Ask MyLaowai | Tagged: , , , | 6 Comments »

Miss Egypt

Posted by MyLaowai on Sunday, April 22, 2007

A few years ago I met the most beautiful woman on Earth. Damn, she was hot! I’d have crawled across a mile of broken glass on my hands and knees just to stand in her shadow, and I still remember her as clear as if it were yesterday. She was living in Australia, but she was Egyptian. I met her in Perth, though she lived in the Eastern states.

Sigh.

Anyway, I’ve noticed that Egyptian girls tend to be stunning. With that in mind, have a look at this. Consider it my Page Three offering…

Update: Link now broken. Sorry folks.

Posted in Sex Sex Sex | Tagged: | 1 Comment »