Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

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Archive for April, 2009

Things Never To Trust in China

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, April 1, 2009

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Chief Officer Meursault’s List of Things Never To Trust in China

(Entry #1 in an ongoing infinite series)

1. Anyone claiming to be collecting for the Sichuan Earthquake Appeal.

2. A person who’s hair has right angles.

3. A 50/50 androgynous student. Always assume the worst.

4. Cloakroom attendants who look after your bag and coat while you go and dance.

5. Taxi Drivers.

6. Any middle aged foreign man or woman who has been teaching full-time in English for more than 12 months.

7. Any foreigner who claims to be a China Expert who has not worked within the porcelain trade for the last 20 years.

8. Specials in restaurants that are priced at figures ending in 88.

9. Chinese who loudly drop English words into their Chinese conversations with other Chinese when a perfectly normal Chinese word would do.

10. Foreigners who loudly drop Chinese words into their English conversations with other foreigners when a perfectly normal English word would do.

11. Anything that costs over 10 yuan.

12. Any declaration or announcement from any Chinese authority that begins with the words “For your safety”.

13. People with more eyebrows than teeth.

14. Shops that only consist of a man in a bomber jacket smoking a cigarette next to a fridge.

15. “5000 years”.

16. Declarations of eternal love from somebody who has just accepted 100 yuan from you for hand relief.

17. Directions from a man who pauses for more than one second.

18. Hairdressers with a hair colour other than black.

19. The Lonely Planet Guide to China.

20. Websites that are not banned in China.

21. Cigarettes in red packets.

22. Un-labeled meat.

23. ISO9001.

24. “This is my first time”.

25. Language partners who claim Mandarin contains no swear words.

26. Your instincts after 13 bottles of Tsingtao.

27. The plumbing.

28. Waidiren.

29. A woman who says “Don’t worry about a condom, I drink so much I doubt I can actually get pregnant. If I could it would definitely have happened by now!”

30. Unsupervised tradesmen or ayi’s.

31. The information plaques in museums.

32. School textbooks.

33. “And now on CCTV, news from our Tibet Correspondent.”

34. A Chinese manufacturer that uses white actors and actresses dubbed in Mandarin for their 15 minute infomercials to imply international levels of quality and global recognition.

35. “Mei wenti”.

36. Boasts of extraordinary achievement from somebody posting anonymously on an expat bulletin board.

37. Anyone recommending a holiday to a Chinese Province that does not possess a coastline.

38. People who don’t drink.

39. Yang Rui, seriously.

40. Claims of sovereignty.

41. Communists.

42. A twenty-something employee with access to your database.

43. The exact time in Xinjiang.

44. “There’s no need to write anything down, we are friends!”

45. Anyone who refers to you as “friend”, and especially anyone who refers to you as “old friend”.

46. Anything with tits and a fanny.

47. The quality of a DVD purchase.

48. Traffic signs, traffic lights, or traffic regulations of any kind.

49. Chinese proverbs that suspiciously back up EXACTLY the point the person was talking about.

50. The Chinese.

Posted in Guest Post | 33 Comments »

Muscle Man Championship

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, April 1, 2009

I shit you not, this isn’t a wind-up. This is a straight screen-grab from ChinaDaily’s home page, complete with their text.

“Body Builders”…? “Muscle Men”…? There’s a falling cow in this somewhere, I just know it.

090401muscleman

Posted in ChinaDaily | Leave a Comment »

Newsflash!

Posted by MyLaowai on Wednesday, April 1, 2009

The Chinese Communist Party has today announced that it, and all the serfs it controls, will start acting like grown ups, effective immediately. They further stated that they will no longer “act like whiney little children whenever we don’t get our own way”, and “plan on telling the truth in future”. Wang Xiansheng, the spokesperson for the Propaganda Ministry, broke the news at a hastily-called midnight press conference in the main bunker at Zhongnanhai.

World leaders were quick to welcome the news.

 

This post loses all validity at 12:00PM, Celestial Kingdom Standard Time.

Posted in Newsflash, Wang Xiansheng | 2 Comments »