Wo Shi Laowai – Wo Pa Shui

This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Kuang Kun Chieh

Posted by MyLaowai on Friday, November 11, 2011

Happy International Single’s Day!

What do you mean, “What do you mean?”? I mean Happy International Single’s Day. I am wishing it. To you, in fact. If you are single and, presumably, international that is. Well, ‘international’ might be a slight exaggeration: it is, after all, the kind of ancient festival that could only have been invented in the last twenty years and celebrated by the most retarded dipsticks history has ever produced.

Okay, okay, I’ll slow down and explain. Sheesh! Clearly some of you haven’t been paying attention all these years.

International Single’s Day is an ancient celebration observed in China, and in fact has been celebrated since the 1990’s. And actually, not only is it not international, it also isn’t for singles, because it translates as ‘Bare Sticks Holiday’. So, all the bare sticks have a holiday, or whatever. Trust me, it makes perfect sense once you’ve met a few Chinese peasants. Anyway, all the folks who can’t get a date (ever) or afford to go to a whack shack for a rub’n’tug, get together with all their also-worthless ‘friends’ and celebrate the fact of their solitude by eating four sticks of manky dough fried in sump oil, and one botulism-soaked dumpling. Why? Because somehow that represents the number one, but only if you are a retard. Something to do with it being November 11th I think.

The BBC reports many thousands of people getting married on this day, because it is so lucky. I believe it. Every day is lucky for one obscure, magical and fucktarded reason or another. Pick a day – go on, pick one. Got it? Right then, don’t show me the card… Let me see… Yes, that one is lucky. Something to do with the happy fornicating dragon I think.

My phone’s been ringing all day with people telling me that all the single poontang is out and about and that this is a great opportunity to part some yellow beef curtains. I disagree. What’s out and about is an unwashed mass of superstitious peasant wastrels who are likely to infect whomever they come into contact with, and the infections are unlikely to be as relatively benign as smallpox, given what I’ve seen on the streets tonight.

But hey, I’ve been called the ‘Mother Teresa of China’, and so I want to leave off on a happy note. Maybe even two of them in a perfect, harmonious chord. Maybe more. So, here we go:

1. If I was single, I’d be celebrating too. Because although studies show that married men live longer than single men, they also show that married men are more willing to die.

2. I know a local girl who was paying for some items in a supermarket – a bottle of water, a packet of tofu, a small bag of rice and a few vegetables. The man at the checkout said, “I bet you’re single, aren’t you?”
“Well yes, I am,” this girl replied. “How did you know?”
“Because you’re really ugly,” replied the man.

3. If I was single, cooking my own meals would be an adventure, not a punishment.

4. Single men get credit card statements. Married men get damage reports.

5. Why is divorce so damned expensive? Because it’s worth it.

But the main reason why International Single’s Day For Bare Sticks is a good thing? Single people are less likely to spawn offspring, especially in China. This is A Good Thing.

Happy Happy Everyday!

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21 Responses to “Kuang Kun Chieh”

  1. justrecently said

    I disagree with the use of the word “peasant” in this post. To be called a peasant may indeed insult urban people, because it is another revered Chinese tradition to look down on peasants, but usually, when I heard Chinese people talking perfect sense, it turned out some time later that they came from a rural background.

  2. dianajiang said

    you heard chinese people? haha!you canot hear the chinese people because you are foreigner,foreigner canot speak chinese,you are so funny!!!only few foreigners understand chinese bevause chinese is most difficult language in world.this foreigners also not good in speaking chinese,because they are not the chinese native.but we like because they are so funny and cute! chinese.language is very special and culture and developed language!.foreigner not smart culture so cannot understand,only chinese can.you stupid foreigners! chinese people laughing to you!see english is so easyyy, because foreigners never develop high language culture like the chinese!so we chinese speak english so much so easy!simple foreigners,no culture.clown.

  3. 0112337 said

    Friends of mylaowai.com, your grandfather, moi, was thinking about globalization today. Especially on the topic of global communication. Now, everyone in the world (except China) uses youtube and social media platforms like facebook. For the first time, people all over the world can partake in a little bit of mental pornography…like we all do here. Build a Tower of Babel up again, so to speak. Everyone gets a chance to take a peek at just exactly what everyone else, regardless of race, ethnicity, color, age…etc, are thinking.

    I was fascinated by youtube when it came out in roughly ’05. Unfortunately, it was so addictive that I spent too many hours pouring through the comments pages, trying to glean some general psychological pattern, undertone, within the common psyche and to predict how people might choose next (in terms of investments). Of course, youtube is a cesspool of caricatures, one-line rants, and hatred. But it is precisely during irresponsible outbursts that one can truly understand the hidden patterns within the collective unconscious…

    Which leads up to the interesting thought. Perhaps, just maybe, perhaps, such communal cesspools of irresponsible rants could establish global peace, from the grassroots level.

    I believe wars and conflict are ultimately caused by misunderstandings and imperfect information. Conflict results from competition, and competition comes from limited resources. People fight one another because they assume the other person will not cooperate and share. Western culture, the one that most people follow today, has its roots in Christianity, and specifically, in the belief that man is fundamentally evil. That he is capable of and will commit evil when given the opportunity. Thus, the natural response, in the western mindset, when faced with uncertainty, is to assume the worst.

    But what if people could understand one another? What if…when two foreigners see one another, they don’t draw a blank in their minds (I like to call this the camel meets horse effect), and instead correlate to, “ah! That guy from country X, he is a real bastard. I remember idiots like him on youtube. They are really particular about Y. I better not piss him off by saying stuff about that.”

    And IMAGINE! A U.S./NATO soldier in Iraq or Afghanistan meets a wild brother (Taliban fundamentalist) and as soon as they are about to shoot one another, they get updates on their facebook page that they are mutual friends with some random guy called Kamaal at the same university they went to.

    Do you think they would still shoot one another? Perhaps, social media could bridge ignorance and create global peace.

    Just a thought…

  4. 0112337 said

    And F.Y.I Laowai, nobody in the land of the living still uses Wade-Giles.

    Funny post.

    • 欢迎fuckyfucky said

      Trust a twat like yourself never to have heard of The Republic of China.

      • 0112337 said

        No, not really. I only know of Taiwan Province. There was a Republic of China once, but that is now firmly in the land of the dead.

    • MyLaowai said

      “nobody in the land of the living still uses Wade-Giles.”

      Oh yeah? Explain Peking and Soochow and Nanking then, wiseass.

      • 0112337 said

        Try buying a train ticket to ‘Peking’, or ‘Soochow’ today and see where they bring you.

        Look, do you want to admit that despite the god knows how many years you’ve been in China, as you claim, you still can’t pronounce Chinese correctly? That’s a sign of mental inferiority you know…what the Chinese like to call ‘弱智‘, and the equivalent in English is ‘moron’, not something to be proud of.

        But maybe that’s your thing, who am I to judge right? And it’s “wise ass”, not “wiseass”, at least know your own language Laowai. Master one, otherwise you will be mute.

      • MyLaowai said

        I did once try buying an air ticket to some place called ‘Mei Guo’, but my travel agent told me there was no such place, and that if I wanted to waste the world’s time, I should just fuck off back to the dark side of the moon. But then she recognised my voice and assumed I’d been playing a practical joke on her.

        Oh, how we laughed.

      • Rydw i'n hoffi coffi said

        Does anybody actually bother reading 0112337’s quasi-philosophical verbal diarrhea?

        Dianajing sounds a bit like 0112337 used to. He used to rant about China surpassing everyone and enslaving the westerners etc. etc. blah blah waffle drone heard it all before.

        Anybody want a laugh? This is all about how Chinese are superior and the Whites an inferior race:

        http://www.tianya.cn/publicforum/content/no05/1/192250.shtml

        I love the punchline at the end, which translates (very roughly) “If it weren’t for the West interfering, Chinese material culture would probably be as advanced as the Western monkeys’ even if it took a thousand years, but it wouldn’t have been harmful to the environment. It would have been a modest and gradual evolution, I recently heard the Chinese are even talking about harmony.”

        Oh those Chinese hippies are just so in touch with nature. Lol

      • Rydw i'n hoffi coffi said

        Or indeed, try looking for Tsinghua University, or buying a bottle of what’s it called again, Tsingtao beer.

        I quote “Welcome to Peking University:”

        http://english.pku.edu.cn/

      • Rydw i'n hoffi coffi said

        “And it’s “wise ass”, not “wiseass”, at least know your own language Laowai.”

        Pedantry, the last refuge of witless prats.

  5. Rydw i'n hoffi coffi said

    From Peking University’s front page no less:

    Points of View
    Hu Yong: Control, the soil that nurtures rumor ( 09-15 )
    Yao Yang: When will China’s economy overtake the US’s? ( 06-02 )

    Couldn’t help giggling.

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